if this ain’t depression, then i don’t know what it is

i actually don’t know where to start. i have tried to distance myself from chatting with some of my friends. and i had to turn off my phone and tablet’s wifi connection just to post on this blog. while everyone is keeping busy with their lives, here i am, just blogging. i have a deadline to beat, yet i haven’t done anything. i was given two weeks. and today the second week started. lol. but it’s not funny. i’ve had this feeling for months now, yet hoping that after this, it might bring me some motivation to leave this stagnation. Have you ever felt worthless yet you don’t do anything to become worthy? That’s it. my mind is working. im always thinking what should i  do with my life. i haven’t considered working too. crap! i feel lost. i just want to disappear. but that’s selfishness.what about my family? maybe i am too comfortable with my lifestyle that i dont want to face reality. the reality that i need to get a job and establish myself because im not getting any younger. im a believer of hard work– because i’ve heard lots of inspirational stories (real-life) that in order to succeed, you need to work hard for it. so let them succeed. LOL. i am not trying to be funny but here i am. stating  the fact that i am a fucking piece of shit in the universe. i’ve read this before. in my own blog. like six years ago. not the fucking piece of shit thing. at least at that time i had a job. good thing my friends dont know about this blog. i want to tell them what i really feel. yes i have told some. but they give advice: different advice on my situation. here they are:

1. be practical. get a job related to what i have studied (it’s in demand) save money so i could do whatever i want to do with my fucking life.
2. wait for the enlightenment. (gosh i love this friend of mine). i told her i’m going to attend a writing workshop which will start in September. she said it’s alright if i’m still unsure of what i want to do.
3. i can’t stay like this. finish my deadline and then presto! apply for a job.
4. . i just need love.

now here are my comments for each numbers: (i dont know if i  replied to them or not but if yes, this is not definitely what i said to them)

1. my old profession is alright. i sometimes miss it. but i dont see myself doing it again. or maybe when i do, it’s just imagination.
2. i’ve been waiting for that eureka moment. i know what i want to do. i just dont know exactly what should i do. working in my so-called true love’s so-called environment need a fast internet connection, and a NIIIIIIICE computer. when i say nice, it’s anything with all the specs and not this crappy auto-skipping-cursor-when-i-type-something-that’s-why-i-have-to-edit-what-i-write-every-five-minutes kind of computer. wait a minute. i love this notebook of mine. this is where i store all my story drafts. i didn’t mind when cursor skips when i write my stories. but this notebook isn’t good enough in writing codes. even it’s memory: if this is a person i would diagnose it with dementia. oh dear.
3. i don’t know how will i do my work because of this notebook. i know. it’s an excuse but its valid. i need a new computer. should i borrow one? i don’t have enough connection to make all the stuff work. and  imagine i have to google with this slothy internet speed. maybe im not really interested in beating that deadline. should i pay someone to do it for me? it does bother me but around 75 percent of myself dont give a fuck. because i dont want to do anything. im just waiting to be kicked out of the house. another thing. this “creative mind” (because i like to imagine extreme things like pointing a gun in my head for me to get something done), i think will just only get me into trouble. it’s not creative. it’s a paranoid mind. sometimes or all the time i imagine stupid things that’s not gonna happen.
4. fall in love? haha. that’s what i advised him when he was feeling lost. he did find someone and his life is well, on the right track. thank you for the lovely advice. but i will not find love because it seems that based on this post i dont love myself/ lol/.

i never changed. i always escape. since gradeschool. if i could escape, i would. but now i am looking for a new excuse just to skip hardwork? don’t get me wrong. i work hard. i just dont know the hell where to put my energy. forgive me for this post. i am hoping that sooner or later this feeling would stop. i am not excited about anything. i am not inspired. that its okay to be like this. but i know it’s not. men are designed to work. so the bottom line is. i need at least any job. not the perfect job. i dont deserve it. so ill have to change my dream. since i dont want to do hard work i will just live as a mediocre, and die in mediocrity. ive been dreaming of a good purpose. maybe this is my purpose. just another damn human being — alright erase that. im not a bad person. let’s put it this way. supposed i get a job i dont like. dont grow professionally, at least i never hurt anyone. now this is a good excuse. lol. just kidding. it just feels worthless to do something that you dont love, sacrifice your time just to be a decent citizen. someone who has a job.

it is said that GOd doesn’t give you trials you can’t endure. i dont have any other problems (pwera usog) other than this. my enemy is myself. maybe i’ll write something positive in my next post. but my conclusion, to make it clear, since i dont want to do anything in particular except a new job (because it’s mandatory), okay, any job will do. aaand applying for two or more companies wouldnt gurantee they’d hire me. but i wont prepare myself so let’s say my next post would be a series of rejections. lolololololol.