it’s okay to be a nobody before becoming somebody

this new UI is quite confusing it took me 5 mins to find the “write a new post” lol

So again I’m here because Im waiting for my phone to get fully charged. I tried to clean up the clutter from our small table and of course I failed lol. I was just amazed that I have a co-worker that have adhd. but the thing is, were the complete opposite. He’s the most competitive in our batch. I based his competitiveness on the stars of course because he’s a scorpio. Lol. Little did i know he has adhd and was diagnosed when he was just a kid. So there goes the judgement of the people. They find him weird and just wants to be at the top, on the top? Whatever lol. I was wondering if he could be hyperfocused and hyperproductive at work, then why cant i? meh, i might ask him how he does it maybe its on his star sign hahahahaha! There are really some people that wherever they are, they kinda excel in what they do. Because of their drive. So my plan tomorrow is to play pretend again. I hope i dont forget. I will pretend that im a scorpio and i will surpass everyone’s productivity tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHA! I hope i wont forget this! So this is also a memory test, and a mood test! I do remember things but when i dont feel like doing it i just let it go. Lol. And also i have an alarm at 12:45 am because my daughter has a fever and i need to give her paracetamol.

okay. Back to the title. This coworker of mine is somebody. And i am the nobody. He just reminded me of the ILLUSION (i call it snd capsed it– yes there is no such word as capsed. Capsed locked it! Lol) because it hasnt happened yet! That full potential! My dream job! I mean i dont know what my dream job is yet! Lol! So there goes the problem! How do you chase a dream when you dont even know what your dream is! Before writing on this blog, i prayed to God that if i cant be good or the best at anything, then help me become the best mother for my daughter. At last I prayed for something specific while looking at the white wall in our bedroom. I even asked for forgiveness (this is kinda super duper personal but i dont mind, nobody knows my real persona hahahaha) because when I pray, i forget that im praying, and i get lost my own thoughts.

although i havent said thank you to the people who treated me like normal and not neurodivergent, well bless them. But sometimes it’s frustrating- no most of the time. Even my partner doesnt understand what is on my mind. He doesnt research about adhd. Anyways discussing my lovelife here is difficult to translate in english lol. So i forgot and then suddenly remembered it!

when i was in london i had a penpal or email pal and i completely forgotten about him until i went back home. Funny thing is, i suddenly remembered him after 5 years and reviewed my old mail. Twas my fault i forgot to reply to his email lol. To some people its just random forgetfulness but i mean this person was remarkable! He’s cute, intelligent. I wonder how is he now! But i think i have forgotten my email that i used to email him lol.

i remembered of just getting tired about adhd people getting tagged as it’s not something to worry about. Like my sister who says Michael Jordan has adhd. Well i dony know mj personally and i havent researched about his struggles before becoming a nba player. All i know is all my life ive been struggling because even though that im smart, i always get left behind! So The question is, will i ever be good at anything, or incredibly great at something? Aside from washing the dishes lol. So im waiting for that “destiny is calling” because all lines are busy now! Lol. Will i become i great writer? Or an animator or should i come back as an app developer ( the course i paid and failed lol) well i have an appointment with my Dr on one of my day offs. I wont pressure myself on knowing what career would i really like to pursue because i still have lots of ideas to the point that i have no idea on those ideas! Hahahahahaha! But im serious about my prayers! Meanwhile i hope i remember my play pretend tomorrow! I just sometimes get that feeling that there is something missing! What about nursing? Well i loved working at the ER but i i guess er is just a phase. I love working at the hospital but the people/ management are so annoying! So working from home is kinda breath of fresh air.

so i hope if anyone who reads this and have the same mind as me, dont lose hope! Who knows because were good at getting lost, destiny might find us in the right place and the right time (because we got lost! Lol)

i just remembered i have a blog after two years!

Time is 11:30 PM

so after two years how did i manage to remember that i should write here? Simple. Because i am full of energy today and i had a cup of coffee instead of chamomile tea LOL.

This morning i woke up before 6 am because I gotta get to work at 8 am. And yep i dont work in the hospital anymore. So basically the setup is now work from home. And i am not working at my home but my mom’s home. Lol. Kinda confusing? Well my mom had an accident and she had undergone partial hip replacement. Since I am the nurse in the family we decided to transfer back for the mean time until she gets fully recovered. So i have a semi-broken family set up i dont know what to call it. Whatever!

I am worried about by new phone I just bought and my mom is doing great and there is no connection to that I just remembered to clarify that my mom isnt that ill she gets into my nerves sometimes i think she has ADHD. She kind of forgets that ahe had a major surgery and tries to walk like normal. And well my phone I remember ( Im using LTE is more ill than my mom hahahahaha)

and then I realized that I, again dont know whwere to start and just trying to type what comes inti my mind.

So what happened to me in two years??? I feel kinda organized so im gonna enumerate them.:

1. I quit my hospital job because I was transferred from ER to ward. (This was the main reason I quit since I dont have that job hopping mentality because i dont like the process of getting hired– interviews, requirements etc)
2. i still have my partner Lmao. I dunno why maybe because i am financially okay? Hahahahaha.
3. Because of the stress brought by my mom’s accident and my duties as a mother and my stressful work ( we have a timer and it prompts every two mins when youre away ) i decided to consult online to get tested if i have got depression or anxiety or ADHD. Because everything was so overwhelming i Felt like i have gotten worse in performing my daily tasks.
4. since i have a new phone, this is a camera test.
   

This cockroach has been watching me for about 5 mins or more. Well if it understands me, dont move little creature, i dont have my weapon with me. Lol.

Funny because at work I was called out because of my low time on our system. And the team leaders see our activities on the computer and asked so youre having short breaks every hour? I should have said, correction! Every 30 minutes!

6. I would like to congratulate myself for having access again to this blog! Thanks to smartphones! And thanks to me because i rarely delete old emails. And i was feeling uneasy at work for the past 9 months. Btw i was just hired last March Lol. I find it stressful to sit in front of your computer doing notjing. We are required to finish 30 tasks per hour. A total of 214 for 8 hours. And i always finish the half of it for one hour only. so i remembered why not write. Since i cant force myself to do something i tend to go out, smoke, come back in two mins, jiggle the mouse, repeat. I decided to come back to blogging again. I dont vlog. It just feels uncomfortable. And i am not that broke enough to make my own reels. Lol.

so this is my last resort when i feel restless. Wanting to do something but i dont know what to do. I am always restless by the way i just dont speak to my family about it.

So before this post/ month ends i would like to inform whoever is reading this that I am now officially diagnosed with ADHD. Okay so nobody was shocked. Even me. And i still have pending counselling with the Psych but eventually i forgot to follow up when? But isnt that his job to ask me? Lol whatever. Lets just say it’s holiday season. Maybe hes busy. And oh it’s Christmas! Merry Christmas!

it’s hard to write using a small phone with new UI from wordpress. I feel kinda relieved but not yet relaxed. I wnna get up and smoke. But i thank myself for cheering me up. Its okay to entertain yourself because people are always busy! So hwre i am, reading and writing on my own blog to feel normal. Lol. Until my next post!

Procrastination

Okay. So i already have a baby and because nobody’s available to babysit we had to move to my partner’s place so I could go back to work. The problem here is my partner’s grandma smells something about me. That Im a lazy mother. Lol.

At first I hated the idea.. no scratch that. I still hate the idea of moving there. It’s normal to be anxious especially when you go out of your comfort zone but because there’s no other solution i agreed to move there. I dont have the money to hire a babysitter and i dont like to pay some stranger to look after my daughter. So the problem is i feel guilty about my style of doing things. Majority of the people would not understand someone who procrastinates and its very hard to explain your way of doing things. Then the thought of feeling guilty came through me. Am i really lazy? You cant say im not motivated. I have heard real life stories of people who worked hard to the point of burning themselves and ending up in their graves. Lol. Dont get me wrong. I am also a hardworker. I never take leaves. I could work as much as I can but in my current work my regularization got delayed because they evaluated me as confused, slacker, and like playing at work. See how they judged me? Just because i dont finish things at a certain timeframe ? Or maybe they could be right.

Like right now it’s my day off and i still have some chores to do. A regular person could finish all the work in three hours. But mine will take 13 hours. Well to be honest my style of doing things: play before work. Or play, work a little, play, play, work a little, rest, have some political discussion, eat, work a little– so this habit is considered laziness or whatever. But you know what? I have lots of energy until midnight. I never get tired. To me, stressing yourself doing something you dont like is like deducting a day to your lifespan. I could apply my habits at home. But not on my partner’s home. Lol. Okay who would enjoy doing laundry and cleaning bottles and washing the dishes? Sometimes i wish i were the other type: finishing things first then enjoying and relaxing for long hours. I could not enjoy the day without playing or talking about other things. But of course i should change my habit whrn im not at home.

The only solution to this problem is upgrade our salary to buy our own house. Well it sounds motivating. Ill just think about the quote everything happens for a reason. Most people will see me as super happy go lucky. Well thats quite true. And i stress over something that most people dont stress about. Now i feel sleepy after having my coffee. So where’s my unlimited energy then? Excuse me. Ive got a baby to look after. At midnight i will be recharged of course.

To end this post, my advice to all procrastinators, keep it up! It will give you a stress-free life.

Ill write something better next time. If ill get a good night sleep. Oh and the dirty plates are waiting for me.

What do you do when you’re in a hospital ward? Write.

My apologies for having completely forgotten that i own a blog. I just rememebered when a notification popped up on my phone screen. It still feels good to have others appreciate what you write.

So many twist and turns had happened in my life all of a sudden. THE FUCK WITH MY UNDIAGNOSED ADHD. IM A MOM NOW.

Thats how forgetful i am. A quick flashback in the past i got to work in a hospital. I struggled real hard because of the boring routine in the ward. Or maybe because im just forgetful. Lol. During evaluations in the past they always complained that how i work was unfocused, always chill and i jump from one task to another. Been also labeled as dumb but come on, past is past. Ive been working for more than 7 months and they said that i have improved. Although the chill style is still there. Little did i know that i was pregnant with my first child. (I confirmed it on my 2nd trimester)

So i was still working until my due date and did not even bother to consult what really bothered me before. Yet i was still practicing focusing on things. And today the sad part is i havent seen my baby yet. Our lives have been put in danger on my baby’s way out.but lets just see the brighter side: we’ll see each other soon once i get out of this prison. The baby is still at NICU.

Prison is what i call this ward because you are all alone. No one will assist you. This is a government hospital by the way. in a third world country. Lol. And the staff seemed liked upper rank demons. No matter how nice you are they will end up eating you lol.

To be honest im kinda nervous in my new venture. This was unexpected and with a little attention span.. i just hope it would work well. My baby’s a strong girl and i wish her a strong will. SHE’S an aquarian.. a fixed sign so maybe that helps lol. I also hope she wont inherit my undiagnosed ADHD. I will just do my best to focus on her for the meantime together with my recovery.

So for me this is a new struggle. Learning to focus on my new goal might help me focus on my next goal as if i wasnt forgetful, chill and wishy washy type of person. Lets see how it goes.

Obviously my writing isnt good enough. Because i was just passing the time lol. For my final message. Life is always hard. Choose your own hard.

The power of later part 2

I wasn’t the same person two days ago. lol

Yesterday I still felt the strange bolt within which motivated me to play video games all day. Then I started to worry. I worry because the shrink told me I was normal. Tomorrow I have got a job interview and I haven’t prepared yet. I also remembered ten years ago about my mood monitoring project. I quit because I forgot my twitter password lol. So to think that I am normally forgetful and short attention spanned, do i need to pressure myself again? Am I still in the game? Yep, i still remember the keywords. I have got a new motivation though, It’s becoming an android developer. I skimmed through the how’s of this matter. I havent written a list on what to do. Instead i wrote a couple of paragraphs on my series and drew some characters and here, blogging. Lol.

Sometimes the thought of my financially successful friends cross my mind yet here I am starting all over again. Lol. But there isnt really a timeline for success. I do not know and do not care about how they live. All i know is every experience I had, whether good or bad, is something that is worth living. Strange isn’t it?

I think im serious about the power of later. Lol. I am still motivated. I always remember that I only have to compete with myself, not with other people. I also need to stop worrying because i dont worry. Hahahahaha! There’s no rush. Remember to live life kindly, says the lazy person who is writing this. Lol.

7th of may 2021 update. I got hired in a hospital I have applied for. To think that I aced an interview because of lying quite a bit (well fyi i only escaped because the submission of requirements gives me a headache and i dunno where to start so i need to calm myself. Paperworks and deadlines are my weakness. My sister is currently working on her laptop and i noticed that she is annoyed with me. Well i have three days to finish all the requirements. I thought of the times i have applied and i passed through them magically. But right now seeing the sofa full of bags and big envelopes and five pieces of wallets made my way to liht a cigarette and blog instead.

One reason i dont reveal my identity online because this is my unknown realm

A lot of people are proud to reveal their identities online. With links thru their facebook account, linkedin, instagram and the like.

But for a pretentious person like me id like to keep my identity a secret. When i said i lied quite a bit because you cant tell the interviewer that i like to daydream a lot and procrastinate at work so i said the opposite. Now the challenge is make it a game again. To pretend that i am a focused person and hardworking is my middle name lol. I even flunked the test but they still hired me. Why? Because I am a good talker and I know how personality tests work (i have answered almost all kinds of mbti you can ever find online except the paid ones of course lol) so this game could be dreadful for me. But i will do my best at work and i just remembered what i read about ten yrs ago: people who love the color orange are great pretenders. Another inspiration because i loved orange since i was a kid.

These requirements are a big challenge for me. And i envy most people who dont panic and finish them like a piece of cake. It is very difficult. I also got lost a lot on getting back to my interview place. I felt that im a leaking pretentious applicant lol.

I would also like to discuss about my asrs test. But again this is a challenge for me. I would never access my blog until i finish all my requirements. Oh God help me. And thanks to those who find my blog interesting. My mind is in a rumble i dont know what was my topic on the first paragraph. All i know is i left it and came back now.

I. Can. Do. This.

The law of distraction.

This is the second part of the diary of a undiagnosed ADHD

There is so many things running in my head since morning and I felt that strange bolt of energy within. In most cases I compare the energy with lust. The lust for doing something which involves creativity such as writing, drawing or anything that has to do with art.

This is a quick post though, because I committed a videocall with friends at 3 pm. And i’ve got to wash my dog and give him medications too. I also have to take a bath after bathing my dog. And i have to do these in less than an hour. SOUNDS GREAT isn’t it?

I remembered that I work best under pressure. The mild form of anxiety gives me focus on what I do. And contrary to the title, these distractions would be very helpful in finishing my tasks. I already talked to a shrink regarding my mental health issues. And found out that I dont have any forms of depression nor bipolar disorder. I also submitted a copy of my Asrs test. Whatever you call it.

This morning i applied for a job, followed up my last pay in my previous work and helped a little in preparing our lunch. So i didnt review for my test today. Because my key words are money and job.

My shrink also adviced me to write down what I want to do. And think about it because I tend to do things with impulse. So it’s 2:26 and I had to pause writing. I purposely delay finishing my blog post because I want to write clearly about what I want to talk about.

2:56 P.M. I am not used to documenting what I do in details but because it has a purpose, it wouldn’t hurt that much lol. I have read an article on totally add and got into the hype. As well as my shrink said, i dont have to conform to what other people do when they review. I like games. Especially videogames. So why not turn something boring into something fun. More of like challenging yourself in doing a simple task. Of course there are distractions ahead and the challenge is do not let the distractions distract you. While i was bathing my pet, since i had to leave the medicated shampoo for ten minutes and got the chance to buy some cigarettes and a chocolate biscuit I kinda missed eating. The rule is, if ten minutes doing nothings bores you, then you can do something else by minding the time.

I am not usually like this. But i was just motivated because of the strange energy bolt i am feeling. I tend to delay things especially when it’s important. But right now I am just rewiring my brain by doing something just like when I am playing videogames. AND the relief that I am normal helped too. I am just taking advantage of the energy I have got.

Most tasks for me are quite boring. So the key is to make things interesting. Whether shallow or deep. Like having a job, is kinda boring for me. So what I think about is another keyword. LAPTOP. having a laptop is having power. Power to get another job, and with the right specs I could start doing what I love or what I might love in the long run. If i get a job then I could buy a laptop. And install games or theme maker– taking advantage of technology with a high speed internet lol. How I wish today was like everyday!

I would also like to focus on writing clearly. It takes time but by practising a lot who knows I might write soon a straight to the point article or post. Lol.

Another tip to myself is challenging myself with another game. This sounds creepy but I like to pretend that I will die in 5 years and I have to be rich before I die. lol. I act with impulse So I added a little pressure. (Because i didnt say i will die tomorrow lol). Of course theres this system in my head (sorry I havent written it down. But I am relying with keywords which I recite to remember.

To earn money is first to have a job. And I also had to test myself by applying what I have read in an online class about money management. It’s tough though. But I am in a roleplaying game. I pretend that I want to become rich. And since I love playing games I am in! LOL. sounds crazy but it is more appealing than the reality that I am close to midlife crisis and still havent got a property lol.

We have different strategies in approaching life’s struggles so I am not saying my strategies will apply to all, maybe for some as silly as me. If it doesn’t work then Ill have to find another strategy– which I consider another game. Of course I have to reward myself for the good outcome. And in order to to that I have tl remind myself of the key word: job. lol

P.s. my videocall conference has been moved to 4:30. So i have plenty of time to prepare! And i even finished a post! So congratulations to me!

And the title says distraction. Well life is full of distractions. I admit i forgot something I wish to mention. Because as I write I am kind of distracted myself. But this distraction is also a form of review. Remember that distractions are related to functions, you just have to keep your mind open and continue your exploration. I dont know who said that. Maybe it was me! 😆

You had one task.

This is a diary of a undiagnosed ADHD patient.

In my prevous posts I self-diagnosed myself with ADD. Time has passed and I am proud of myself because I learned the importance of headings when writing an article. But this is not an article though. It states on the headline that it’s a diary, duh! lol.

Regardless of that proud moment I am writing with a heavy heart. Not that someone or something died but because something is alive. And kicking! It is one of my major problems knocking again in the time of pandemic. AND IT KNOCKS REALLY HARD because i don’t have a job right now. Lol.

Today i will try to focus on my lack of focus. LOL. Funny because it came up to me dressed perfectly ready to attack me and my dear future. It happened when I decided to focus on reviewing for an upcoming exam to get me working overseas. It started two months ago, and to think of the progress well obviously I failed. That’s when I started to see that I may need professional help to see if I had a problem.

During March i thought about a lot of things: looking for a job online, setting up a small business, upgrading my heroes on genshin impact and ranking up on mobile legends with the help of strong teammates. Lol. What about the review? I did some and did well. (Two tests) and the rest were video tips. I had to congratulate myself for finishing an hour video for i have my personal limit of watching videos. Just 20 mins or less.

On April I had the opportunity to become an article writer and I thought it would help me on my review because they are somewhat related. And interrelated to my dream job as well. I gave it a go and tried my best, spending six hours straight for nothing. I am not a professional writer. Though the team in the workplace were very helpful, I decided to quit because I felt that I cannot cope with it. I wasnt being negative. But to spoon feed you with the guides you all need and I insisted to use a fork is a no-no.

To put it simply, I lacked focus in everything I did. From review to chores and other simple tasks. I also remembered my subscription on totallyadd (heyyy i know how to hyperlink lol) and somehow felt inspired and motivated that it’s not the end of the world yet. I read my favourite friday funnies and their articles. And fuck, why do I relate to their articles when I wasnt even diagnosed yet?

So in the course of two months in between the struggle in completing my tasks, (my struggle in the video game completions included but it has another story lol) I started looking for a consultation online regarding my probable ADD. I had one last month but it was only a free consultation and the psychologist tried to rule out early onset dementia. lol what the fuck? My family was aware of the consultation and my sister said i didn’t focus on what should i focus on. Lmao. So let us not blame the person who ruled out that effin dementia. OKAY. i looked for more consulation sites and decided on the lowest price. BUT since i lacked focus, congratulations, I landed a paid consultation today at seven pm. I have many things to do and think about but I am thankful to this opportunity which I had done and decided on my own (a round of applause please!) I just hope this goes well. Because I couldn’t start on preparing on what I had planned until i talk to a professional. In fact i started the day with a bang because I never played a single videogame since morning up until now. Instead I finished a 1 hour video review. It was a good start not until a family member of mine talked to me about decision making and clearing that they wanted me to get a job. Because focusing on review isnt sustainable financially. Also, i forgot it already. Because i took a large sip of coca cola. Lol.

The job issue is different. There was a misunderstanding with communication. I am kind of a robot, so i work best with a single keyword or phrase. Job. No money. That is what i am thinking about right now.

So to sum up everything, i lacked focus in everything. But before I get working on the key words, I will focus on my consultation. Because relying on a probable disorder without confirmation from a professional gives me anxiety. From small tasks to landing a job and even quests from videogames to having a family of my own etc.. it blows the shit out of my brain.

So what i need to do today is relax and hope that everything will be settled before the end of this day.

I guess i have said what I wanted to tackle. I will update this blog with the results. I just hope I dont forget my schedule and that I have a blog. Lol. That’s what alarms are for. 😄

The law of the coin

Obviously i am writing again after two years? A proof that i am still alive and nope, I am not feeling worse or depressed. I am writing because i had realizations last night. Call it epiphany, or whatever lol. Funny because my blog title suits this post. Fast forward to future. But before that, excuse me for my disorganized thoughts and bad grammar. Lol.

It’s 2021 and I missed 2020 because the title of my blog is fast forward to future. Whahahahahahaha. The past year had been harsh. So many calamities, deaths, disasters. What happened to the feng shui predictions that 2020 is a year of prosperity, when the world’s economy had been greatly affected by the pandemic. So to anyone who reads this, Be thankful you are still alive in spite of the disasters the people, the virus, nature or technology had done. (Nvm the grammar lol) to those who are wanting to die, Don’t. Infuse yourself with positivity. Inculcate on your mind that there are plenty of things to do. If you lost your will to do things, Seek help.

Because of technology, it wasnt that hard for us to combat boredom and stagnation because of the lock down. I couldn’t speak for extroverts, I would not understand how they felt when physical socialising had died temporarily. I am an introvert and to be honest I secretly loved being confined for two months without having no explanation why cant you meet with friends lol.

I observed that nowadays, formal education isn’t what the younger generation want, but to become a vlogger, influencer, or a game video creator. To quote from Andy Warhol, In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes”. I guess this is happening. Through videos: tiktok posts, caught-in-the act crimes, harsh comment, sex scandal, etc. What the hell happened to the world? And what’s the relevance of my blog title to this?

Facebook.

Facebook is probably the most popular app in the Philippines. Every hand of a Filipino automatically opens it, scrolls down the newsfeed while eating, working or whatever they are doing. Facebook is a coin. There’s two sides to it. A breeding ground of envy and despair for underachievers of the same age by looking at their batchmates’ wonderful timeline: brand new car, job promotion, happy family, fine dining at a fancy restaurant, etc. The underachiever then feels bad for himself compairing what he had done and why can’t he afford at least to dine at a fancy resto. Or someone who has a lame partner sees her facebook friend getting a surprise monthsary celebration with rose petals and a dozen flowers. Lol. I am not speaking for myself. Because I am the lame partner who doesnt give a fuck on those things lol. Let’s take a positive look on facebook then: for business pueposes. Since facebook has a vast social connection, you can easily promote what you are selling. You can also invite all your friends to like your gaming page just in one click. See? I used to despise facebook and i believe i have mentioned it on one of my previous posts. The inevitability of the law of the coin strikes us everyday. But remember how you approach or utilize a coin is all that matters. I personally keep my facebook because of games. To save my gaming levels. That’s it. Ow who knows some other time I would sell something. Use it as a good tool that would benefit you, not to make you feel down.

Tiktok.

I have the app but I don’t use it. I am past the stage of wanting to be famous or popular and earn easy money. The dark side of this app are the challenges. I have heard on the news that a 13 year old had died because of a challenge. Or girls selling themselves by posting an almost naked video ( i dunno if they are earning well or just loving the attention). Whores. LOL. The good side is the notion that everyone can dance. You dont have to be a professional dancer to execute moves. Also, creativity in some people sparks through a one minute video which amuses the audiences. (Applause for this). And it kills boredom for those who are confined at home. So… it again depends on the user. Use it for your own benefit, not to destruct yorself.

Youtube/vlogging

Okay. This is much easier than blogging. For those who are camera friendly. Or downright attention whores who want to get noticed and of course those who are purely talented and puts dedication to video creation. Some do it for the hobby, and some are just trying hard to get attention and get paid without working too hard or getting a diploma. Lol. It is easier because nowadays people are too lazy to read about a tutorial on how to fix things such as gadgets, diy, or home hacks. Even perfume or gadget reviews come in handy thru videos. I am not being smug or just being weird but I only watch video tutorials on fixing gadgets. I just feel like watching videos/ vlogs waste my time. Lol. I personally couldn’t sit down for 30 mins watching something. Id rather play a game or read or write.

Not all influencers have a talent. Some are just charisma. Something i would never understand. There are some vloggers with nice, fun and helpful contents. There’s Ryan Higa (international) and locally there’s CongTV. These vloggers dont have to prove themselves. I think they are doing their passion. But a lot of vloggers are simply doing it for the money, or just to brag what they have, or simply just want attention by wasting someone’s time and at the same time earning six digit or more. If you are this kind of vlogger, then FUCK YOU. Big time. Lol. If watching vlogs inspire you to become more productive in life, then kudos to you. Do what suits you. If you are a vlogger and it mirrors your creativity and talents and you influence the majority in a good way, then good luck. Keep it up!

Zoom.

Used for meetings because of the lockdown, zoom is a very useful tool in companies especially during the pandemic. Well played for the developers of this app. There is no down side to this to be honest. It could also be used for online reunions. Okay maybe the dark side for this app is the in app purchase. Lol. Cant say something negative to this app because i only used it once for a company meeting lol. And this coin remained untouched, the head facing the sky, screaming i have not hurt any human being! Can i go to heaven? If theres a final judgement for apps lol.

Omlet, and other streaming apps.

I have done some streams just for fun and i remembered one post garnered only one reaction on facebook. A 😂 reaction. Lol. A lot of filipinos try to stream, even celebrities took advantage of their fame. I also used to follow and eatch streams of AkoSiDogie because he was my crush then lol. I rarely watched streams of famous game streamers because i told you i am too lazy to sit down for thirty minutes. I have nothing against streamers if they do it for passion and charity. Bless them. It again depends on the watcher. Lol. I admit technology has made it easier for a nobody to become somebody. It just takes time, passion, hardwork and luck. I kinda dreamed of being a streamer. But not really my cup of tea. Girl streamers are mostly pretty in general with a mythic rank. Lol.

Netflix and others.

Am i the only one who has no netflix? I told ya im not a big fan of tv or cable. I watch anime on kissanime. The downside of kissanime ( bec i dont use netflix) is probably the links below which are r18. Links to porn sites. Of course kids watch anime. And technology today brings them to sites with free access to porn sites. Well i am also not into porn. I just go straight to the link, download the episodes and watch during transport hours lol. I have nothing against netflix. If it doesnt affect ypur productivity as an employee or as a paremt. Then it’s all good.

Mobile legends and other games.

This is the last on my list. Because i cant remember other relevant apps most people use. And i just had my epiphany yesterday. A lot of Pinoys plat mobile legends. There are no requirements. Just a smartphone with a big ram and a good internet connection. Pardon, because the sentences ahead are a dramatic lol.

Since I only work three times a week, In alternate schedules. (Yes i secretly love the unpaid offs lol) i had the habit of waking up in the morning starting with coffee, cigarette and brawl mode. I am not the addict type when it comes to playing ML. So i was left in the epic tier with most of my ml friends battling in the mythic rank. It has been three years and i never reached mythic. The first year was experimental. The press attack buttons without care using layla and some generic heroes. I just came to realize today after playing for a long time with max emblems and more than eighty heroes…. that mobile legends landed down as the coin showing tails: it hinders my productivity. Lol. Being the laidback kind of person i was..lol i play not for more than seven hours a day during my off. And it didnt get me to mythic rank. The probable cause of this is i rarely play rank games. And when i do, its the time where cancers are online. Those who have a good phone and connection and even max emblems (because the mlbb team said so. Bluff! ) but are poor in laning and game mechanics. I came to a point of questioning my effectivity as a player. I admit that i am too aggressive. So today i have changed my routine. Instead of playing brawl or classic games in the morning i focused on doing other things: chores, simple repairs and cleaning. I still have troubles in focusing though. But i will figure it out on how to be more productive. After all, it feels good to perspire after ten years lol even with the air condition on. This year i returned to writing. It still feels great within lol. At least i didnt hate mobile legends. I felt no remorse. Will soon play after lunch. After i had done a lot of things. This game also triggered the demon inside me. But then again, it’s just a game. Lol.

So i hope this post helped someone in need. I cant help someone with money. But somewhere, someone could be needing to hear this: do not let an app use you. Use the app wisely.

Do what you love. ( a message to all the struggling artists on earth)

I haven’t written something for a few months. Lol. I shared my blog to someone i look up to and  i don’t know what’s his true reaction to my posts. Nevermind. I’ve been struggling lately in this so-called earth. Nope, it’s not poverty like most people struggle about. I am just writing to update this blog regarding my search for a purpose. The physical purpose. Lol. As a Christian, you don’t have to find a purpose. Be good, do good because God is watching you and has a hard copy of everything you’ve done since birth. Lmao. 

I just noticed that ideas come to me when i go to church. It’s not that im not listening to the sermon. I dunno. I sometimes think it’s the devils distraction or an angel guiding me on what to do with my life. I realized that we’re all gonna die, and somehow leave something meaningful to the next generation so they might not go astray. Who knows in the next twenty years there will be a new hype, where gamers battle in real life. I really want to create a game, that’s why i immersed myself in playing mobile legends. I was wondering who made the characters and if they get a commission based on the popularity of a character. Well i never stopped writing on my loser anime-type novel. Loser because it’s not popular. Lol but that’s fine. It makes me happy to read it. I was just thinking about the movie Idiocracy, the only movie i would like to recommend to someone who would ask me what to watch. It’s a bit exaggerated of course.. but it makes sense. Im not very good with words, but i dedicate this post to all the starving artists all over the world. I just hope my message would all be clear. 

You can google the movie synopsis if you haven’t watched it. When my sister and i had a fight because of a neighbor’s wake, she told me i live in a dream world that’s why she would nevwr understand me. And vice versa. I wasn’t mad. It’s true thy i live in my own world. I am physically present because i cannot disappear physically, but mentally i am pondering things. But of course i usually do my observation on people, mostly Clevon’s decendants. If you would read the bible it says that the world will become more cruel as the days come. To connect it with the movie, it could be true. Because those who multiply are stupid. This sounds rude, right. But come to think of it, im not saying everyone on this planet who become parents are stupid. Just take a good look around, my friend. And those who are intelligent as well as overthinkers spend too much time on doing something rather than sex. Or simply overthinks that the world is cruel and i don’t want my future generation to suffer. We haven’t fixed simple real-life problems because of greed. It would cause a debate because labelling the future generation as products of stupidity combats the will of God (god gave us life). But God gave us free will and the free will of stupid people is justified. Lol. 

Anyways i think i lost track of what i wanted to talk about. People are driven by love. Whether atupid or intelligent. Love makes the world bearable. That’s what i think. Sadly i haven’t experienced that kind of love. Because for me it’s ideas. For an artist who is doing something whether it’s a song, a comic book, (RIP Stan Lee), a novel, etc.. it’s kind of difficult for them not selling. No recognition. I think my grammar is busted lol. What im trying to say is, technology could be an edge today because it’s easier to publish your works. And because of technology it’s also easier for hunters to steal them. And what’s worse is you compete with artist wannabes who uses popularity but are stupid down to the core. They win because as i have said before, clevon’s decendants make up the earth, and stupid works are enjoyed by stupid audiences. Lol. A real masterpiece is liked by both intelligent and stupid being. I admit that im rude. Correct me if im wrong. It’s fine with me. But i think artists should not crave for recognition or whatsoever. Just don’t stop doing what you love. The right people would appreciate what you do. And based on my experience i am quite happy with two readers. I just want to make it big not to earn money. (I didnt graduate for nothing) but to share the hidden message (not everyone will get it) to most people. I think im good and hardworking in this set up so i want to see the results.  As a matter of fact this also makes me feel not normal because most people settle down, have kids etc. I made a deal with the universe by the way. But it’s top secret lol. If falling in love would stop me from writing these stories, then i would never love at all. (Two of my friends who used to write stories have stopped. They’re married now) well on the practical side of life, it could be called a sign of maturity. It’s just a phase unobserved and rather irrelevant to the future of the subject that’s why they stopped doing it. If that’s the case, am i still writing because i’m a weirdo, loveless creature? Lmao. It’s my world. My universe. I hated the world that’s why i created my own. Sometimes i wish i could find something good in the norm. I do. But it’s not enough. I admit im still lost in doing tangible things and too bad they’re connected in chasing my dreams. But i will never give up. I’m testing time if my passion fades. And i never stopped thinking about sharing messages. I already have a plan about my projects. But i already expected a few to understand. But of course consistency is hoghly facoured by the universe. Lol. Me, consistent? I dont know. 

And about the guy i was talking about in the past  posts, well let me tell you my favourite quote, a universal quote: 

“I believe that the existence of the classical “path” can be pregnantly formulated as follows: The “path” comes into existence only when we observe it.” -werner heisenberg (uncertainty principle paper) 

Just like what Heisenberg did, he shared something to the world and kudos to him i found this quote. It’s about physics, but let me tell you that everything is connected. So i use it in the love department. I have stopped observing the path that connects me to this person. I ignored everything. Even my feelings so it’s considered as non-existent. I might sound crazy but it’s just the same as those artists who never paid attention to their talents, who never practiced their gifts, who never believed in their abilities. It’s a choice, after all. But to those who were mocked by other people to stop doing what they love, never listen to them. If you are not happy with the world, do something to make it happier. At least for yourself. 

The power of later

One of my greatest dreams is to write a book. A book that will change some people’s perspectives about life. Im not rushing. Because i feel like i dont have enough knowledge and experience yet to write what i want others to convey. I guess this is my purpose. My real purpose: to send a message to random people. Of course i would publish it for free. I learned things for free so why would i get money from it? 

Life sure is mystical even though we kind of predict things through common sense and science. Predicting things is one of my favourite hobbies, that’s why i was inclined to study palmistry, astrology, body language and myers briggs. Lol. My hunger for predictions extended to predicting people, knowing them without their knowing so i know what im gonna do or how im gonna act. Because i despise interacting with people i try to learn by the book. And the inevitable interactions with people — i do it to see if what i’ve studied is true. So all my life, i guess, i’ve been studying and experimenting everything everyday. I have helped a couple of people though. I explain the side that they can’t see or understand. I have failures though. Sometimes i get caught up in logic i forget that this person’s myers-briggs is incapable of deciphering my point. Lol. Sometimes, knowing a lot can be a pain in the ass because you’re the one who’s gonna adjust in certain situations. Most people arent interested in learning and are incapable of change. They want to be accepted for who they are and how they think. It’s sad because problems in general are usually caused by misunderstanding because one isnt willing to change. It’s also sad that people aren’t a fan of logic. I know logic also has limitations. Logic cannot hold the world in general. If you would read the bible, it says that you must do everything in love. There is no logic in love. And i wonder if there’s love in logic. I love logic. I love science. But my love for these things had gotten me into trouble. Minor troubles i guess. 

For example. Pardon if i couldn’t explain what im going to say. Lol i always think in advance. I calculate things in my mind. Not necessarily money. Im bad at counting in numbers. But i like to measure things. Or i measure everything. It’s mental math. Not necessarily in formula. ( even during school days i get right answers in math without using formulas) we were eating our lunch and i was given an extra rice. I cut in in half or rather 60 percent and gave the other 40 to my friend. She insisted that i should get some more because she knows me and i still have plenty of ulam. ( asians eat meals with rice ) i said no i dont have enough, thinking that i have calculated how much rice would amount to my meal. She tried to put her rice on my plate and before the rice fell i held her arm signalling a strong “dont put that on my plate or else you will die” manner. I might have offended her. Im sure i did (she’s a heavy Fe user).  My point is, its hard to explain to someone what goes inside your head. Saying that this half of rice is enough because i have mentally measured the ratio of my meal and i know what i need without presenting a formula might come off as crazy, or weird. Im not intelligent. I just know some things and everyone is capable of measuring things normally. I dont know. Having me to explain things will complicate situations because im not comfortable in talking. Thats why i love writing. Im not a quiet person in contrast. I just hold back because honestly most if the situations i encounter especially the simple things, the small talks, i usually shut up, process things the whole day before i come up with my response. But i dont usually respond. Even with rigel. He has said a lot of things which i havent responded. It felt like a dead end to the conversation. I have a couple of responses in my written in my head but i dont blurt them out. I prefer to process them. So im an idiot. Lol. The question is, am i numb? Maybe to others, I am. Because my reactions (except anger- when something isnt logical or hurts my family members) are always flat affect or a strange laughter. This is one of my lifelong problems: i think too much it makes me non responsive or numb to others. I even consult simple things on how should i react if i couldnt find a solution myself. Because my conclusion most of the time are none. Lol. This ends to okay i really understand why i havent got a relationship. Because i am dead to reactions. Maybe im not really interested in romantic relationships. Even an experiment for the sake of studying it wont do. Like as some random guy to pretend to be a boyfriend just to see what goes  in a relationship starring me. It’s kind of desperate and pathetic and a bait for abusive or cunning man. But most people would see it as desperate not knowing my real motive- it’s weird to explain it in layman’s term. 

Anyways i feel my hyperacidity is attacking me so im gonna go get some rest. I promised myself not to overthink things. 

About my book, of course it’s about the meaning of life. And God’s existence. As a lover of logic and science it would be weird to write something like this. But that’s one of my goals. And my other story is like most of the stories. Its just how i view the world. An allegory in reaching anything you truly want.