Do what you love. ( a message to all the struggling artists on earth)

I haven’t written something for a few months. Lol. I shared my blog to someone i look up to and  i don’t know what’s his true reaction to my posts. Nevermind. I’ve been struggling lately in this so-called earth. Nope, it’s not poverty like most people struggle about. I am just writing to update this blog regarding my search for a purpose. The physical purpose. Lol. As a Christian, you don’t have to find a purpose. Be good, do good because God is watching you and has a hard copy of everything you’ve done since birth. Lmao. 

I just noticed that ideas come to me when i go to church. It’s not that im not listening to the sermon. I dunno. I sometimes think it’s the devils distraction or an angel guiding me on what to do with my life. I realized that we’re all gonna die, and somehow leave something meaningful to the next generation so they might not go astray. Who knows in the next twenty years there will be a new hype, where gamers battle in real life. I really want to create a game, that’s why i immersed myself in playing mobile legends. I was wondering who made the characters and if they get a commission based on the popularity of a character. Well i never stopped writing on my loser anime-type novel. Loser because it’s not popular. Lol but that’s fine. It makes me happy to read it. I was just thinking about the movie Idiocracy, the only movie i would like to recommend to someone who would ask me what to watch. It’s a bit exaggerated of course.. but it makes sense. Im not very good with words, but i dedicate this post to all the starving artists all over the world. I just hope my message would all be clear. 

You can google the movie synopsis if you haven’t watched it. When my sister and i had a fight because of a neighbor’s wake, she told me i live in a dream world that’s why she would nevwr understand me. And vice versa. I wasn’t mad. It’s true thy i live in my own world. I am physically present because i cannot disappear physically, but mentally i am pondering things. But of course i usually do my observation on people, mostly Clevon’s decendants. If you would read the bible it says that the world will become more cruel as the days come. To connect it with the movie, it could be true. Because those who multiply are stupid. This sounds rude, right. But come to think of it, im not saying everyone on this planet who become parents are stupid. Just take a good look around, my friend. And those who are intelligent as well as overthinkers spend too much time on doing something rather than sex. Or simply overthinks that the world is cruel and i don’t want my future generation to suffer. We haven’t fixed simple real-life problems because of greed. It would cause a debate because labelling the future generation as products of stupidity combats the will of God (god gave us life). But God gave us free will and the free will of stupid people is justified. Lol. 

Anyways i think i lost track of what i wanted to talk about. People are driven by love. Whether atupid or intelligent. Love makes the world bearable. That’s what i think. Sadly i haven’t experienced that kind of love. Because for me it’s ideas. For an artist who is doing something whether it’s a song, a comic book, (RIP Stan Lee), a novel, etc.. it’s kind of difficult for them not selling. No recognition. I think my grammar is busted lol. What im trying to say is, technology could be an edge today because it’s easier to publish your works. And because of technology it’s also easier for hunters to steal them. And what’s worse is you compete with artist wannabes who uses popularity but are stupid down to the core. They win because as i have said before, clevon’s decendants make up the earth, and stupid works are enjoyed by stupid audiences. Lol. A real masterpiece is liked by both intelligent and stupid being. I admit that im rude. Correct me if im wrong. It’s fine with me. But i think artists should not crave for recognition or whatsoever. Just don’t stop doing what you love. The right people would appreciate what you do. And based on my experience i am quite happy with two readers. I just want to make it big not to earn money. (I didnt graduate for nothing) but to share the hidden message (not everyone will get it) to most people. I think im good and hardworking in this set up so i want to see the results.  As a matter of fact this also makes me feel not normal because most people settle down, have kids etc. I made a deal with the universe by the way. But it’s top secret lol. If falling in love would stop me from writing these stories, then i would never love at all. (Two of my friends who used to write stories have stopped. They’re married now) well on the practical side of life, it could be called a sign of maturity. It’s just a phase unobserved and rather irrelevant to the future of the subject that’s why they stopped doing it. If that’s the case, am i still writing because i’m a weirdo, loveless creature? Lmao. It’s my world. My universe. I hated the world that’s why i created my own. Sometimes i wish i could find something good in the norm. I do. But it’s not enough. I admit im still lost in doing tangible things and too bad they’re connected in chasing my dreams. But i will never give up. I’m testing time if my passion fades. And i never stopped thinking about sharing messages. I already have a plan about my projects. But i already expected a few to understand. But of course consistency is hoghly facoured by the universe. Lol. Me, consistent? I dont know. 

And about the guy i was talking about in the past  posts, well let me tell you my favourite quote, a universal quote: 

“I believe that the existence of the classical “path” can be pregnantly formulated as follows: The “path” comes into existence only when we observe it.” -werner heisenberg (uncertainty principle paper) 

Just like what Heisenberg did, he shared something to the world and kudos to him i found this quote. It’s about physics, but let me tell you that everything is connected. So i use it in the love department. I have stopped observing the path that connects me to this person. I ignored everything. Even my feelings so it’s considered as non-existent. I might sound crazy but it’s just the same as those artists who never paid attention to their talents, who never practiced their gifts, who never believed in their abilities. It’s a choice, after all. But to those who were mocked by other people to stop doing what they love, never listen to them. If you are not happy with the world, do something to make it happier. At least for yourself. 

Boring reality

I was supposed to write something about my thoughts on marriage but i think i would leave that for now. I realized that i shouldn’t post often on facebook, since nobody really feels for me. I even avoided chatting on messenger unless it’s urgent.

I am about to finish the k drama Goblin which is the best i have watched so far. I don’t know. Even if i still don’t know the ending, i really can’t contain my feelings. Well at least i told my best friend about what i feel. I don’t know if i’m in love with the series lol but everything is just perfect. The whole story, the lines, the clothes they wear, the places where it was shot, i couldn’t find a single error. And the thing is, i am not really into drama. But i find myself crying in some episodes. To be honest i don’t know why. But i could relate to each character except Park Joong the effin demon ghost lol. They say that when you like something, it’s because you could relate to it. It might have happened to you that’s why it gets you. But not all cases of course. Well maybe because Goblin is really good you don’t need to relate yourself when you watch it. Lol. It’s just funny seeing Eun Tak having a handful of lighters to summon Kim Shin, well i have two lighters (originally three, my brother took one) because i thought i lost my lighter. Sadly i only summon the smoke of a cigarette when i feel like stressed and when i have rushing thoughts that i feel like chasing. I also remember the red scarf- my favourite one. It’s actually red and white but of course when i wear it i choose the red part. I remember the good old days in London. I remember the different seasons when i was abroad that’s why i enjoy watching Goblin. With regards to the story, it was well- written. Yes it’s full of torments but it’s nice. It’s a question of will and fate. Another interesting part of life.

I know these sorts of entertainment are man-made but the timing and the message could be the Deity’s will- or probably fate? I don’t know. Or it’s hard to explain. I myself write stories based on my ideas which has a hidden message on coping with reality. Of course it’s not set in reality but the core of the story is about the struggle of a human being in coping with it. It’s completely the same. So now im wondering when other people watch k dramas or a good movie, is it merely “it entertained me, i enjoyed it” feeling? Maybe some. But i like to look at the moral of the story. In everything. Even in a small incident, i like to connect it with the question what have i learned from it? Is it useful in the future? This neverending learning process goes on. And i don’t know if i could gather them and write it down in one book. Of course acting upon what u have learned is one evidence, even the slightest feeling of hope when you’re down is another evidence. But i want to collect them and maybe pass it on others by fate at least. By random.

I sometimes think that where would my stories go? I dont share it with most people because i know it’s boring to read something when you could watch lots of series online. That’s why i really want to make it a reality. Even if i end up doing it alone- i know it might take me a couple of decades since im a distracted person. And this distraction sometimes lead me to negative thinking. But believe me, im always positive. It feels like im immortal (another thing that i strangely relate to Kim shin-maybe because i have watched my loved ones evolve and lost some of them) lol. I always pray to God to guide me in the right path. When i say im distracted im serious about it. But these distractions —might have something to do in creating something. Something that would sync with the perfect timing.

This will sound strange but my timing is quite different from other people. I know we have different timings because we’re different lmao but what im saying is, like for my age and the likes most people have found their love and focus on building a family, as well as building their careers and all. That’s what i meant. Sometimes or i question myself often, did i really pass the time? Was it my fault? If i wasn’t distracted should have i been successful? Sometimes i forget that im mortal. Really. Man i think i watch too much afterlife shits lol. Or maybe i got to watch them to remind me that life is short so i must get going.

Now im hungry. Lolololololol. This is the boring and sad part of reality. That im very far from achieving my dreams because im broke and distracted. But im doing something about it. Im not the type of person to use someone like marry a rich man or trick people to earn money. I could do that but i choose not to. Because it’s against my values. I like everything done in a good way. That’s what i have learned in life. I hope i have said what i want. I still have lots of thoughts but my priority is sleep. Lol.

And practicing not talking about 75 percent of what’s on my mind or who’s on my mind. This too shall pass.

Everything happens for a reason

Hello! I was supposed to write on my project today but i procrastinated lol. That’s fine because i still remember my idea— after church i got this idea of a new story. Something related to Rigel. Lol. This idea came up suddenly because i liked Rigel so much, i might be able to preserve the good times we had with a twist. You know nobody knows what’s gonna happen in the future— so if id written a story about us we could have a happy ending. At least in one of my stories. Sad, isnt it? Just like Annie Hall. I love that movie. But i still couldnt find the perfect introduction or first episode. My ideas are all scattered in my brain’s dimension. 

I went back to his empire yesterday. Of course i had reasons. When i was at home i thought my feelings were gone because i wasnt excited to go there. I went to his empire around five pm. And i played with the kids. I really had a good time with them. Being with the kids taught me something about myself. That im learning to be sociable? Lol. I dont know. I never let anyone invade my personal space— i used to hate kids. I hate a lot of people. I avoid people. But these kids changed me. Last month gave me the hint that hey, i could be a generous aunt. I loved them and thought about giving them gifts on Christmas. Well i never really give gifts on Christmas except for my family. Or compulsary gift giving. But during my days abroad even if my roommates gave me gifts i never reciprocated them. Lol. Because im one stingy old hag hahahahahahahaha. Anyways these kids made me realize that i have a heart. Lmao. And really my best friend’s family feels like my own. And yesterday was perfect. I also realized that my interests— well im also a kid at heart lol. Ive had plenty of experiences especially with all kinds of people. I have mingled with them to observe and validate my life long study about human behavior- to fully understand relationships. Because i admit that im not very good in dealing with people. I have my own world and it’s unusual if i enjoyed something outside it. I used to loathe reality. Because i never understood it. I am more focused in spirit, i also read and study a lot about life and its essence because frankly worldly acts dont appeal to me. Ive tried them but i just dont see its value. To me it’s pointless.

 I have viewed reality as a sickening place. People getting worse in creating more chaos. It all starts in one family. Because no parent is perfect and the passing of the usual norms and traditions (not all kinds of course) create impact on the younger people. And it’s up to one person how to act upon it. We have our own paths to take and based on  judgement or perception you create your character or defense mechanisms through life. As the title says everything happens for a reason- people who understood and learn from all kinds of pain would survive and pass it on the next generation. But again the chaos of reality is inevitable because not all people will fully understand its meaning. And as a man of reason, even though logic has a high chance of solving problems, we must not forget that we are not computers- we are all human and the greatest thing God has taught us is to love. 

I was supposed to be talking about Rigel lol but nah i just want to write down everything i can think of. I know i couldnt pass writing on ielts if i write like this lol. But my conclusion after these scattered thoughts i can do this! I can write my conclusion down: here it goes. The simple time i have spent with the kids is a fresh splash of reality: A good reminder that reality isn’t bad at all. It made me stronger and inspired me that my world shouldnt revolve around my fantasies. ( i have two kinds of fantasies- one that i know would never happen and the other one: theres something i could do about it lol) 

AND THIS KIND OF REALITY MADE A PORTAL MY OTHER KIND OF FANTASY. I cant believe theyre connected lol. It’s hard to explain it but i think i am on the right track. 

So God let me and Rigel communicate to remind me to pursue my dreams. And to enjoy life at the same time. 

The not so good part of this post is, okay i am trying to control my greatest skill, overthinking lol. Sis and mum have warned me not to do it in every situation. But for me i dont call it overthinking. It’s more of a preparation of reactions and feelings over a set of possibilities 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Okay overthinking isnt good actually. Because Rigel is leaving soon. Imagining him leaving everyday makes me sad but it’s one of my techniques to let out pieces of emotion so by the actual time he leaves i have ran out of feelings 😂😂😂😂😂😂. It’s kind of weird if WOUld still feel sad on the day he’d leave, because it’s for the better. I never cried when i parted ways with friends because i know they would be in a better place ( no, im not talking about heaven lololololololol) i meant better opportunities so im happy for them. But as for rigel i feel sad regarding the potential time. Because i think he’s the one i rarely one to spend my time with— other than family or close friends. Shit! I will surely miss him. What the fuck is this? Lol. Maybe because he’s into technology and he fuels my desire to pursue my goals. But man i admit i am quite confused. I have plenty of reasons why i like him. 
I dont wanna state all the details being with him because i wasnt focused on him when i was there. I just couldnt bear the thought- wait. I think i could manage without him. Lol. I have reasons why. But i admit life is better when i spend time with him. 

So much for this. I need to sleep. Lol

i might not know what i like but at least i know what i dislike.

no, this isn’t about facebook. I just thought of the title last night. It’s a long term problem of mine that put me into trouble, the thought that “anything” would be alright. I made decisions quickly because anything is okay. Like picking a college degree. I always wanted to work in animation, but since we’re not rich i chose something which is practical. Now i’m stuck in a rut because it’s just an okay course. no passion. no fun. but i always looked at the brighter side. i always give something a chance. that life couldn’t be that bad at all. There is always something good in every thing even if you don’t particularly like something.

now the trouble is, i couldn’t pursue animation at the moment. I almost had the chance, yet i was blinded by the alternative option to enter the university i used to love. technically it was a waste of money. I have learned my lesson the hard way. sometimes i just wanted to disappear or turn into dust because after all, the important thing is you lived your life with kindness. Supposed that i am already kind. but in reality kindness wont keep you alive. You need to have a job– because my main problem is money, i still couldn’t pursue animation./ because i would have to study again and i have no funds for that. i am going back to a practical approach. applying for something that i have no feelings for. i dislike to be unproductive so i have to chase after the things which have no appeal to me. i don’t dislike them but i don’t like them either.

the neutrality of my feelings about certain things kind of  categorize me into a non- ambitious creature. Someone who is okay with anything, someone who does what is necessary. Someone who tries to be practical and moves like a robot- with a certain program inserted at the center of his brain: be productive. help your family. So every day I wake up, search for job which has no appeal to me. it doesn’t excite me and all i ever wanted is to get hired. To some it may sound  miserable. it’s like marrying someone you don’t love– but only for the purpose of having a purpose.

I am someone who just floats around life. swimming with the current- contrary to what most quotes would say: that you must follow your passion. At the moment i have no passion for anything. i would  move blindly for the sake of productivity- and my dream, i am lucky enough if i still remembered it after the years of passionless movements in every day life. If it is still with me, then we’re meant to be together. The question is, would i take it with me when i die, or plant it somewhere where it can grow and at least be found by someone who can nurture it?

why do i exist?

the last time i posted i was feeling down, and after i cleaned the house while thinking of the matter, i felt ok. lol. what a weirdo.i can’t imagine a world without internet. because everything you want to search is just one click away, it is a great opportunity for finding answers and sharing what you want to share. this is a good opportunity for your voice to be heard. i’m not talking about MAINSTREAM or popularity because some people are so blind and technically out of touch about the real problems of the world. My mbti fever has subsided. come to think of it, one test cannot really describe a person because each person is unique. some may be true but the insights provided cannot dictate or help you get along with the changing world. Just like astrology, you cannot define a person’s destiny by looking at the planetary alignment, even if you know your birth time. lol.

since i was a child i have this strange passion for discovering the mysterious. and today i just read the theory of relativity–for kids lol. Thank God for Einstein. and the other guy who wasn’t as famous as him. LOL. Since it’s difficult for me to EXPRESS WHAT I WANT TO SAY, i made them in caps so i won’t get lost when i forget another topic in my mind. and of course i will try to point out what i wanna say and it seems that i forgot it already. lemme drink a glass of water first. lol. okay im back. alright, while trying to remember the topic in my head i will just skip to write about my lack of focus and forgetfulness. Sometimes i wished i focused and got involved with mathematics and physics. or any other sciences. my first course’s science- related, and the second one math/ logic related. not bad. but what’s happening in our life– we must be aware that we cannot control some things. (like this phrase. it’s been said and written and published and has been put into quotes and shared on facebook) and sometimes we have these things and it makes us suffer. whether it’s a severe acne problem, big bone structure, getting molested when younger, disabilities, congenital sickness. whatever our problem is, it all boils down in our personal kettles. we suffer. that’s why we find comfort with people who have had them or currently has them. (i have a pizza faced friend whom i tease because of his acne– okay i wasnt being mean. he’s also mean to me lol. in this case i don’t say that people with acne is okay to hang out with acne-filled people. it will seem funny to others who sees them) pointless. lol. so what im trying to say is, at least if you can do something, try to find some ways which will help you cope with it better.people need people. in contrary to what i’ve been trying to say to myself. but that’s the truth. we were not born to live alone.

another thing is the struggle of finding what ticks you and you’ve gotten into troubles looking for it. or recognizing what you wanna do yet it feels it’s light years away from you.   Simple. don’t give up. (another words of encouragement we’ve always heard or read before) so, suppose i have found my true niche, which is my writing fantasy stories which, as of now, doesnt earn me money. even if im happy to write or read them alone, it still feels better when someone else reads it and comments on how great your work is! The problem with me is my laziness and my distracted personality. i sometimes tell myself, it’s alright, maybe im just one of the ordinary people who dream less, and be okay as long as we have a job, eat three times a day..

now i dont think im making sense of what i want to say. hahahahahahaha. okay the last paragraph, i want to say that i want to find an alternative way and disregard my fantasy story. lol. sometimes i really feel like i want to get into research about mental illness, and behavioral problems. i occasionally read articles printed by science and their findings seems cloudy to me. wtf? a loser writer commenting on the findings of researchers. im sorry, i want to help. but let the greater minds do their works as they please. hahahahahahaha.

 

now i think this blog seems like a draft to me. scattered. disorganized, whatever. my thoughts are chaotic, the world is chaotic. whatever ticks you, remember this life is a gift. i never wanted to be born, but here i am, blogging. maybe still skeptical about my purpose or true niche, but in case i am already there, there’s one thing that i must remember. (ive heard this all before) i must do things in love– to give back to the gift i have been given. and that’s being born. i maybe a jobless douche today but i shouldnt be stuck with what i am now. the important thing is, no matter who you are, you must make your existence meaningful. even on little things. it matters. at least, whatever you do, if it’s for the good of the world, it does help.  is this another excuse why i am or will never be successful in writing? lol. all i know for today, is im excited about the next chapter of my story.. and i have two readers, which is all good at the moment. lol