Do what you love. ( a message to all the struggling artists on earth)

I haven’t written something for a few months. Lol. I shared my blog to someone i look up to and  i don’t know what’s his true reaction to my posts. Nevermind. I’ve been struggling lately in this so-called earth. Nope, it’s not poverty like most people struggle about. I am just writing to update this blog regarding my search for a purpose. The physical purpose. Lol. As a Christian, you don’t have to find a purpose. Be good, do good because God is watching you and has a hard copy of everything you’ve done since birth. Lmao. 

I just noticed that ideas come to me when i go to church. It’s not that im not listening to the sermon. I dunno. I sometimes think it’s the devils distraction or an angel guiding me on what to do with my life. I realized that we’re all gonna die, and somehow leave something meaningful to the next generation so they might not go astray. Who knows in the next twenty years there will be a new hype, where gamers battle in real life. I really want to create a game, that’s why i immersed myself in playing mobile legends. I was wondering who made the characters and if they get a commission based on the popularity of a character. Well i never stopped writing on my loser anime-type novel. Loser because it’s not popular. Lol but that’s fine. It makes me happy to read it. I was just thinking about the movie Idiocracy, the only movie i would like to recommend to someone who would ask me what to watch. It’s a bit exaggerated of course.. but it makes sense. Im not very good with words, but i dedicate this post to all the starving artists all over the world. I just hope my message would all be clear. 

You can google the movie synopsis if you haven’t watched it. When my sister and i had a fight because of a neighbor’s wake, she told me i live in a dream world that’s why she would nevwr understand me. And vice versa. I wasn’t mad. It’s true thy i live in my own world. I am physically present because i cannot disappear physically, but mentally i am pondering things. But of course i usually do my observation on people, mostly Clevon’s decendants. If you would read the bible it says that the world will become more cruel as the days come. To connect it with the movie, it could be true. Because those who multiply are stupid. This sounds rude, right. But come to think of it, im not saying everyone on this planet who become parents are stupid. Just take a good look around, my friend. And those who are intelligent as well as overthinkers spend too much time on doing something rather than sex. Or simply overthinks that the world is cruel and i don’t want my future generation to suffer. We haven’t fixed simple real-life problems because of greed. It would cause a debate because labelling the future generation as products of stupidity combats the will of God (god gave us life). But God gave us free will and the free will of stupid people is justified. Lol. 

Anyways i think i lost track of what i wanted to talk about. People are driven by love. Whether atupid or intelligent. Love makes the world bearable. That’s what i think. Sadly i haven’t experienced that kind of love. Because for me it’s ideas. For an artist who is doing something whether it’s a song, a comic book, (RIP Stan Lee), a novel, etc.. it’s kind of difficult for them not selling. No recognition. I think my grammar is busted lol. What im trying to say is, technology could be an edge today because it’s easier to publish your works. And because of technology it’s also easier for hunters to steal them. And what’s worse is you compete with artist wannabes who uses popularity but are stupid down to the core. They win because as i have said before, clevon’s decendants make up the earth, and stupid works are enjoyed by stupid audiences. Lol. A real masterpiece is liked by both intelligent and stupid being. I admit that im rude. Correct me if im wrong. It’s fine with me. But i think artists should not crave for recognition or whatsoever. Just don’t stop doing what you love. The right people would appreciate what you do. And based on my experience i am quite happy with two readers. I just want to make it big not to earn money. (I didnt graduate for nothing) but to share the hidden message (not everyone will get it) to most people. I think im good and hardworking in this set up so i want to see the results.  As a matter of fact this also makes me feel not normal because most people settle down, have kids etc. I made a deal with the universe by the way. But it’s top secret lol. If falling in love would stop me from writing these stories, then i would never love at all. (Two of my friends who used to write stories have stopped. They’re married now) well on the practical side of life, it could be called a sign of maturity. It’s just a phase unobserved and rather irrelevant to the future of the subject that’s why they stopped doing it. If that’s the case, am i still writing because i’m a weirdo, loveless creature? Lmao. It’s my world. My universe. I hated the world that’s why i created my own. Sometimes i wish i could find something good in the norm. I do. But it’s not enough. I admit im still lost in doing tangible things and too bad they’re connected in chasing my dreams. But i will never give up. I’m testing time if my passion fades. And i never stopped thinking about sharing messages. I already have a plan about my projects. But i already expected a few to understand. But of course consistency is hoghly facoured by the universe. Lol. Me, consistent? I dont know. 

And about the guy i was talking about in the past  posts, well let me tell you my favourite quote, a universal quote: 

“I believe that the existence of the classical “path” can be pregnantly formulated as follows: The “path” comes into existence only when we observe it.” -werner heisenberg (uncertainty principle paper) 

Just like what Heisenberg did, he shared something to the world and kudos to him i found this quote. It’s about physics, but let me tell you that everything is connected. So i use it in the love department. I have stopped observing the path that connects me to this person. I ignored everything. Even my feelings so it’s considered as non-existent. I might sound crazy but it’s just the same as those artists who never paid attention to their talents, who never practiced their gifts, who never believed in their abilities. It’s a choice, after all. But to those who were mocked by other people to stop doing what they love, never listen to them. If you are not happy with the world, do something to make it happier. At least for yourself. 

The power of later

One of my greatest dreams is to write a book. A book that will change some people’s perspectives about life. Im not rushing. Because i feel like i dont have enough knowledge and experience yet to write what i want others to convey. I guess this is my purpose. My real purpose: to send a message to random people. Of course i would publish it for free. I learned things for free so why would i get money from it? 

Life sure is mystical even though we kind of predict things through common sense and science. Predicting things is one of my favourite hobbies, that’s why i was inclined to study palmistry, astrology, body language and myers briggs. Lol. My hunger for predictions extended to predicting people, knowing them without their knowing so i know what im gonna do or how im gonna act. Because i despise interacting with people i try to learn by the book. And the inevitable interactions with people — i do it to see if what i’ve studied is true. So all my life, i guess, i’ve been studying and experimenting everything everyday. I have helped a couple of people though. I explain the side that they can’t see or understand. I have failures though. Sometimes i get caught up in logic i forget that this person’s myers-briggs is incapable of deciphering my point. Lol. Sometimes, knowing a lot can be a pain in the ass because you’re the one who’s gonna adjust in certain situations. Most people arent interested in learning and are incapable of change. They want to be accepted for who they are and how they think. It’s sad because problems in general are usually caused by misunderstanding because one isnt willing to change. It’s also sad that people aren’t a fan of logic. I know logic also has limitations. Logic cannot hold the world in general. If you would read the bible, it says that you must do everything in love. There is no logic in love. And i wonder if there’s love in logic. I love logic. I love science. But my love for these things had gotten me into trouble. Minor troubles i guess. 

For example. Pardon if i couldn’t explain what im going to say. Lol i always think in advance. I calculate things in my mind. Not necessarily money. Im bad at counting in numbers. But i like to measure things. Or i measure everything. It’s mental math. Not necessarily in formula. ( even during school days i get right answers in math without using formulas) we were eating our lunch and i was given an extra rice. I cut in in half or rather 60 percent and gave the other 40 to my friend. She insisted that i should get some more because she knows me and i still have plenty of ulam. ( asians eat meals with rice ) i said no i dont have enough, thinking that i have calculated how much rice would amount to my meal. She tried to put her rice on my plate and before the rice fell i held her arm signalling a strong “dont put that on my plate or else you will die” manner. I might have offended her. Im sure i did (she’s a heavy Fe user).  My point is, its hard to explain to someone what goes inside your head. Saying that this half of rice is enough because i have mentally measured the ratio of my meal and i know what i need without presenting a formula might come off as crazy, or weird. Im not intelligent. I just know some things and everyone is capable of measuring things normally. I dont know. Having me to explain things will complicate situations because im not comfortable in talking. Thats why i love writing. Im not a quiet person in contrast. I just hold back because honestly most if the situations i encounter especially the simple things, the small talks, i usually shut up, process things the whole day before i come up with my response. But i dont usually respond. Even with rigel. He has said a lot of things which i havent responded. It felt like a dead end to the conversation. I have a couple of responses in my written in my head but i dont blurt them out. I prefer to process them. So im an idiot. Lol. The question is, am i numb? Maybe to others, I am. Because my reactions (except anger- when something isnt logical or hurts my family members) are always flat affect or a strange laughter. This is one of my lifelong problems: i think too much it makes me non responsive or numb to others. I even consult simple things on how should i react if i couldnt find a solution myself. Because my conclusion most of the time are none. Lol. This ends to okay i really understand why i havent got a relationship. Because i am dead to reactions. Maybe im not really interested in romantic relationships. Even an experiment for the sake of studying it wont do. Like as some random guy to pretend to be a boyfriend just to see what goes  in a relationship starring me. It’s kind of desperate and pathetic and a bait for abusive or cunning man. But most people would see it as desperate not knowing my real motive- it’s weird to explain it in layman’s term. 

Anyways i feel my hyperacidity is attacking me so im gonna go get some rest. I promised myself not to overthink things. 

About my book, of course it’s about the meaning of life. And God’s existence. As a lover of logic and science it would be weird to write something like this. But that’s one of my goals. And my other story is like most of the stories. Its just how i view the world. An allegory in reaching anything you truly want. 

Testing the waters

So im writing again via phone. Another evidence that i couldn’t contain my current standing in the game of life lol. Sometimes i feel guilty for sharing my blog to someone i know because they might accuse me of being a weakling or being ungrateful. I dont give a fuck anyways. This is my trash bin and it’s obviously metaphorical. I couldn’t write via laptop because our computer is in the living room, it feels uncomfortable writing something even if they dont look at what i am doing. That’s another reason why i couldn’t continue my next episode. 

Im just here to tackle about actions and consequences. You enter a situation, and you are aware of what’s gonna happen. There’s a bonus: that’s when you dont expect something which will happen. I usually predict things as i enter a new setting. So it happened. Job wants me to conform. And i dont want to. Lol. I havent googled the exact meaning of conformity. But i think im on the right track lol. I know the solution: try to conform even if it clashes with your principles. I have written this before. I was just reminded again because i didnt conform to them. Lol. Now another solution is: play pretend. And find something that im gonna think about to shun away the real issue. That’s what i did. Or that’s what i always do. Don’t get me wrong. I am very good, at least in what i do, except the sales shit. Now im thinking what’s it like if im gonna be a parent. Maybe i’ll conform to them just to feed little mouths. A perfect excuse for someone who needed escape, and a perfect example of hard work and inspiration for real parents. 

Im not being smug here. Actually i feel bad for not having the kind of thinking most people have. Conforming to society, going with the flow, not thinking of harming others or violating one’s principles. 

So this post is an evidence that there’s an event in my life (actually the whole blog) that i might just laugh about someday. So the solution i have thought is to see a clairvoyant. My actual reason is to TEST his ability. I predict the future too. I am very curious about his talents. If ever he says something bad or i dont like, well or he might not show up due to a certain incident, or we wont show up because something happened. I cant help but imagine things: everything that could possibly happen- this, my friend, i believe, is a Ne- dominant trait. Lol. But it kinda excites me. It’s something i look forward to— some reason to at least bear the stress my work is causing me. 

I am also thinking that my dream job is still away. But not as far as from ten years ago. Still, a small progress is still a progress. The thing is, im going to unravel the mystery of the clairvoyant with Rigel. Who happened to be interested in knowing the future. That’s why im also anxious about what will happen. I think we’re the same. To be together in one place is inevitable. We do things for a purpose. I dont think this is an excuse just to be with his company. I think he became a medium on extracting what i needed to know to fight in my own game of life. I mean a medium could be anyone. But it happened to be him. No emotions involved. Just plain purpose. I told you i dont let emotions win. It’s just a bonus i happen to be with someone whom im comfortable with. But i still find it strange. But if being with him has a price, i wouldn’t thank him (i did) but i shouldve thanked his purpose. Same with me. I had a purpose seeing him. I needed data for my ultimate dream. Imagine what would happen in the future. If i reached my ultimate dream, maybe he’s married then with kids. I don’t know. Still testing the waters like watching his every move for me to dismiss what i have concluded in my past posts. 

Exciting isn’t it? We’ll see what happens. 

Boring reality

I was supposed to write something about my thoughts on marriage but i think i would leave that for now. I realized that i shouldn’t post often on facebook, since nobody really feels for me. I even avoided chatting on messenger unless it’s urgent.

I am about to finish the k drama Goblin which is the best i have watched so far. I don’t know. Even if i still don’t know the ending, i really can’t contain my feelings. Well at least i told my best friend about what i feel. I don’t know if i’m in love with the series lol but everything is just perfect. The whole story, the lines, the clothes they wear, the places where it was shot, i couldn’t find a single error. And the thing is, i am not really into drama. But i find myself crying in some episodes. To be honest i don’t know why. But i could relate to each character except Park Joong the effin demon ghost lol. They say that when you like something, it’s because you could relate to it. It might have happened to you that’s why it gets you. But not all cases of course. Well maybe because Goblin is really good you don’t need to relate yourself when you watch it. Lol. It’s just funny seeing Eun Tak having a handful of lighters to summon Kim Shin, well i have two lighters (originally three, my brother took one) because i thought i lost my lighter. Sadly i only summon the smoke of a cigarette when i feel like stressed and when i have rushing thoughts that i feel like chasing. I also remember the red scarf- my favourite one. It’s actually red and white but of course when i wear it i choose the red part. I remember the good old days in London. I remember the different seasons when i was abroad that’s why i enjoy watching Goblin. With regards to the story, it was well- written. Yes it’s full of torments but it’s nice. It’s a question of will and fate. Another interesting part of life.

I know these sorts of entertainment are man-made but the timing and the message could be the Deity’s will- or probably fate? I don’t know. Or it’s hard to explain. I myself write stories based on my ideas which has a hidden message on coping with reality. Of course it’s not set in reality but the core of the story is about the struggle of a human being in coping with it. It’s completely the same. So now im wondering when other people watch k dramas or a good movie, is it merely “it entertained me, i enjoyed it” feeling? Maybe some. But i like to look at the moral of the story. In everything. Even in a small incident, i like to connect it with the question what have i learned from it? Is it useful in the future? This neverending learning process goes on. And i don’t know if i could gather them and write it down in one book. Of course acting upon what u have learned is one evidence, even the slightest feeling of hope when you’re down is another evidence. But i want to collect them and maybe pass it on others by fate at least. By random.

I sometimes think that where would my stories go? I dont share it with most people because i know it’s boring to read something when you could watch lots of series online. That’s why i really want to make it a reality. Even if i end up doing it alone- i know it might take me a couple of decades since im a distracted person. And this distraction sometimes lead me to negative thinking. But believe me, im always positive. It feels like im immortal (another thing that i strangely relate to Kim shin-maybe because i have watched my loved ones evolve and lost some of them) lol. I always pray to God to guide me in the right path. When i say im distracted im serious about it. But these distractions —might have something to do in creating something. Something that would sync with the perfect timing.

This will sound strange but my timing is quite different from other people. I know we have different timings because we’re different lmao but what im saying is, like for my age and the likes most people have found their love and focus on building a family, as well as building their careers and all. That’s what i meant. Sometimes or i question myself often, did i really pass the time? Was it my fault? If i wasn’t distracted should have i been successful? Sometimes i forget that im mortal. Really. Man i think i watch too much afterlife shits lol. Or maybe i got to watch them to remind me that life is short so i must get going.

Now im hungry. Lolololololol. This is the boring and sad part of reality. That im very far from achieving my dreams because im broke and distracted. But im doing something about it. Im not the type of person to use someone like marry a rich man or trick people to earn money. I could do that but i choose not to. Because it’s against my values. I like everything done in a good way. That’s what i have learned in life. I hope i have said what i want. I still have lots of thoughts but my priority is sleep. Lol.

And practicing not talking about 75 percent of what’s on my mind or who’s on my mind. This too shall pass.

Everything happens for a reason

Hello! I was supposed to write on my project today but i procrastinated lol. That’s fine because i still remember my idea— after church i got this idea of a new story. Something related to Rigel. Lol. This idea came up suddenly because i liked Rigel so much, i might be able to preserve the good times we had with a twist. You know nobody knows what’s gonna happen in the future— so if id written a story about us we could have a happy ending. At least in one of my stories. Sad, isnt it? Just like Annie Hall. I love that movie. But i still couldnt find the perfect introduction or first episode. My ideas are all scattered in my brain’s dimension. 

I went back to his empire yesterday. Of course i had reasons. When i was at home i thought my feelings were gone because i wasnt excited to go there. I went to his empire around five pm. And i played with the kids. I really had a good time with them. Being with the kids taught me something about myself. That im learning to be sociable? Lol. I dont know. I never let anyone invade my personal space— i used to hate kids. I hate a lot of people. I avoid people. But these kids changed me. Last month gave me the hint that hey, i could be a generous aunt. I loved them and thought about giving them gifts on Christmas. Well i never really give gifts on Christmas except for my family. Or compulsary gift giving. But during my days abroad even if my roommates gave me gifts i never reciprocated them. Lol. Because im one stingy old hag hahahahahahahaha. Anyways these kids made me realize that i have a heart. Lmao. And really my best friend’s family feels like my own. And yesterday was perfect. I also realized that my interests— well im also a kid at heart lol. Ive had plenty of experiences especially with all kinds of people. I have mingled with them to observe and validate my life long study about human behavior- to fully understand relationships. Because i admit that im not very good in dealing with people. I have my own world and it’s unusual if i enjoyed something outside it. I used to loathe reality. Because i never understood it. I am more focused in spirit, i also read and study a lot about life and its essence because frankly worldly acts dont appeal to me. Ive tried them but i just dont see its value. To me it’s pointless.

 I have viewed reality as a sickening place. People getting worse in creating more chaos. It all starts in one family. Because no parent is perfect and the passing of the usual norms and traditions (not all kinds of course) create impact on the younger people. And it’s up to one person how to act upon it. We have our own paths to take and based on  judgement or perception you create your character or defense mechanisms through life. As the title says everything happens for a reason- people who understood and learn from all kinds of pain would survive and pass it on the next generation. But again the chaos of reality is inevitable because not all people will fully understand its meaning. And as a man of reason, even though logic has a high chance of solving problems, we must not forget that we are not computers- we are all human and the greatest thing God has taught us is to love. 

I was supposed to be talking about Rigel lol but nah i just want to write down everything i can think of. I know i couldnt pass writing on ielts if i write like this lol. But my conclusion after these scattered thoughts i can do this! I can write my conclusion down: here it goes. The simple time i have spent with the kids is a fresh splash of reality: A good reminder that reality isn’t bad at all. It made me stronger and inspired me that my world shouldnt revolve around my fantasies. ( i have two kinds of fantasies- one that i know would never happen and the other one: theres something i could do about it lol) 

AND THIS KIND OF REALITY MADE A PORTAL MY OTHER KIND OF FANTASY. I cant believe theyre connected lol. It’s hard to explain it but i think i am on the right track. 

So God let me and Rigel communicate to remind me to pursue my dreams. And to enjoy life at the same time. 

The not so good part of this post is, okay i am trying to control my greatest skill, overthinking lol. Sis and mum have warned me not to do it in every situation. But for me i dont call it overthinking. It’s more of a preparation of reactions and feelings over a set of possibilities 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Okay overthinking isnt good actually. Because Rigel is leaving soon. Imagining him leaving everyday makes me sad but it’s one of my techniques to let out pieces of emotion so by the actual time he leaves i have ran out of feelings 😂😂😂😂😂😂. It’s kind of weird if WOUld still feel sad on the day he’d leave, because it’s for the better. I never cried when i parted ways with friends because i know they would be in a better place ( no, im not talking about heaven lololololololol) i meant better opportunities so im happy for them. But as for rigel i feel sad regarding the potential time. Because i think he’s the one i rarely one to spend my time with— other than family or close friends. Shit! I will surely miss him. What the fuck is this? Lol. Maybe because he’s into technology and he fuels my desire to pursue my goals. But man i admit i am quite confused. I have plenty of reasons why i like him. 
I dont wanna state all the details being with him because i wasnt focused on him when i was there. I just couldnt bear the thought- wait. I think i could manage without him. Lol. I have reasons why. But i admit life is better when i spend time with him. 

So much for this. I need to sleep. Lol

“Knock, knock/Who’s there?/Reality./Reality who?

i thought my mbti fever has subsided. well, no. i’ve been more interested in it because i t is my main tool in assessing human behavior. wtf? i think i have taken different versions for more than 20 times. (i actually lost count, that’s only estimation, duh lol) and while digging deeper into the descriptions i refuse to believe that i am an intp. so i tried answering cognitive functions tests:

i first dissected the descriptions from a thoughtcatalog article. it comes up when you search for a certain type confusion. (bravo for the seo!) my results were Ti Ni Fi Si. an intp should have a se instead.

second, i tried another cognitive functions test. it involved a little math that didn’t hurt. (arithmetic and percentage) and i have gotten more confused because My results (according to the percentage were Ni Ti Fi Ne) there. two active Intuitive dominant functions. of course i tried to compare the output with different orders of the dominant functions of the 16 types. the closest was an infj yet still it’s not. so i decided to use the xy axis to plot the possible answer. and compared it with the sequence of the output percentage so i had to do little arrangements. well im not good in math. i admit. it’s not a guessing thing. but i just have this strange problem solving skill which i can never explain to someone. but i have relied in it a couple of times. during math tests back in high school, college, i got the results right regardless of the knowledge of an equation. (some professors might have accused me of cheating. because i didnt write the step by step solution on how i have come up with the answer. lol). so i have two possible verdicts on the MBTI. it’s either there could be more possible types. (not only 16). Because if you would base  mainly on the basic test, it would categorize you as one of the 16 types. but like me, it didn’t fit one of the 16 types if i used the cognitive functions test. OR, i am plainly dumb in  english and in  understanding the cognitive function questions. lolololololol. i have a high respect for those who have started and developed this MBTI thing and you cannot just say: Sirs and Madams, i think you would have to add another categories for each type. for example. an intp could not only be a Ti Ne Si Fe. but could be a Ti Ni SI Fi. but since i am just a jobless occasionally obsessed nobody without the knowledge of its algorithms. i have nothing to back up my suggestions. lol. i am just waiting for myself to lose interest in mbti.my infj sister thinks i lost myself in this mbti thing.

third, i answered the old JUngian test and my type was: unkown. hahahahahahaha. Well, if i would base on mbti descriptions, i could be an intp. because im currently interested in mbti (i have familiarized myself with the other types– the types of people who are important to me. and some interesting test subjects who are less important to me). it’s better and way different than astrology. i do not regret studying astrology (it’s different from horoscopes). i don’t predict what will happen to an aries tomorrow. i just know the descriptions of an aries personality. lol) but hey, astrology is still interesting though. i guess i believe everything is connected. i verbalized my love for science and my wish to work in the field of physics, and my esfp brother just said, there are things that are certainly impossible to reach. i  thank my brother for the very wonderful support. lol. almost everything interests me. but not the game of thrones hype. lol. i have heard it’s a very nice series and almost everyone have gotten hooked to it. but not me. i dont know. i have reasons. 1.) slow internet connection. i could not download episodes. 2. i could not sit for an hour long watching something. (in case someone gave me copies of it|) i prefer 20 minute sitcoms such as the big bang theory. 3.) based on what i heard about GOT it has a little resemblance on my novel LOL but i dont see it as a threat. WHOA.  4.)i am busy. before someone will call me trying hard to be a genius/ frustrated scientist because of my interests. yeah, i read about theory of relativity and string theory in my leisure time. okay, i take it back. nobody knows i read them. because i read via phone. and nobody checks what im currently reading lol. another thing that interests me is religious beliefs. well i have an INTJ iFriend. did i just use iFriend? yes. an ifriend is someone you met via internet and the i could also mean interesting friend/ or same interest friend. LOL. he’s intelligent and have a great reasoning skills.

okay. back to reality. this monster keeps on knocking  at my door. i just peer thru the window and didnt notice anyone in there. because reality isn’t a person, i guess. i couldnt tell my loved ones that im happy to be with what i do at the moment. being an unproductive citizen and daughter in terms of financial aspects. LOL. again, i don’t know. Maybe because of the boring options on jobs. and if ever i landed a job it would only mean i just got in there out of luck and curiosity. i feel sad actually. facing the future. im just holding on to interesting things that will happen along the way. such as a new joke from a new co worker. hahahahahahaha. well again, i dont know. I am not a bad person but i just dont really feel in sync with reality. i will get a job someday. that’s what i said three months ago. lol. i feel sorry for my family while they feel sorry for me. hahahahahaha. i have to think of the time when reality was quite okay. by the way i used reality as a representation of what is really going on externally. the boring norm, and not what’s going on inside my head. because to some, reality is a perception of one’s own. a person with schizophrenia has a different reality perception same as those who are high on drugs. LOL. anyways. good luck to me. and if reality is equivalent as possibility, i might turn into an object one day, metaphorically.