Procrastination

Okay. So i already have a baby and because nobody’s available to babysit we had to move to my partner’s place so I could go back to work. The problem here is my partner’s grandma smells something about me. That Im a lazy mother. Lol.

At first I hated the idea.. no scratch that. I still hate the idea of moving there. It’s normal to be anxious especially when you go out of your comfort zone but because there’s no other solution i agreed to move there. I dont have the money to hire a babysitter and i dont like to pay some stranger to look after my daughter. So the problem is i feel guilty about my style of doing things. Majority of the people would not understand someone who procrastinates and its very hard to explain your way of doing things. Then the thought of feeling guilty came through me. Am i really lazy? You cant say im not motivated. I have heard real life stories of people who worked hard to the point of burning themselves and ending up in their graves. Lol. Dont get me wrong. I am also a hardworker. I never take leaves. I could work as much as I can but in my current work my regularization got delayed because they evaluated me as confused, slacker, and like playing at work. See how they judged me? Just because i dont finish things at a certain timeframe ? Or maybe they could be right.

Like right now it’s my day off and i still have some chores to do. A regular person could finish all the work in three hours. But mine will take 13 hours. Well to be honest my style of doing things: play before work. Or play, work a little, play, play, work a little, rest, have some political discussion, eat, work a little– so this habit is considered laziness or whatever. But you know what? I have lots of energy until midnight. I never get tired. To me, stressing yourself doing something you dont like is like deducting a day to your lifespan. I could apply my habits at home. But not on my partner’s home. Lol. Okay who would enjoy doing laundry and cleaning bottles and washing the dishes? Sometimes i wish i were the other type: finishing things first then enjoying and relaxing for long hours. I could not enjoy the day without playing or talking about other things. But of course i should change my habit whrn im not at home.

The only solution to this problem is upgrade our salary to buy our own house. Well it sounds motivating. Ill just think about the quote everything happens for a reason. Most people will see me as super happy go lucky. Well thats quite true. And i stress over something that most people dont stress about. Now i feel sleepy after having my coffee. So where’s my unlimited energy then? Excuse me. Ive got a baby to look after. At midnight i will be recharged of course.

To end this post, my advice to all procrastinators, keep it up! It will give you a stress-free life.

Ill write something better next time. If ill get a good night sleep. Oh and the dirty plates are waiting for me.

What do you do when you’re in love? Me: wait for it to fade.

I planned to write on my story yesterday and i had the time the whole day today yet i haven’t started anything. Nothing has changed. We had a discussion at home about the old problems, the root of all the problems which destroyed the potential progress in terms of financial matters. Misunderstandings occured and eventually i have cleared myself for saying something i didn’t mean. But the discussion caused me to realize something: No one saves you except yourself. The power should be within you, not from others. In contrast with how i understand the world: we were designed to lack something, so that someone else would fill the holes. Im talking about life in general. It’s what the deity wants. To help each other: to love one another. Well my realization isn’t off course (pardon for the wrong grammar) because i was talking about fulfilling your grand purpose. We may have different purposes or calling. I should say we need not to consult others on how you’re going to do it. Or we may consult others’ perspectives and if it doesnt align with how you want to do it, then drop it. 

My lifelong burden has been causing me too much trouble. If i would present all the lines i used in my previous blogs, it would represent a circle.  I would try my best to define my problems. I hope i could do it. I still think i have add. Ive got poor memory when it comes to important things. Maybe that’s the reason i am stagnated. 

Now i forgot everything. Lmao. Okay then i remembered:

1. Focus. I cannot focus on my ultimate goal. Adversity isn’t a factor to hinder your goals. It might cause delays, but perseverance is the greatest evidence that will shun the universe to give it to you. 

2. I trust myself too much i procrastinate. To describe this superpower of mine i declare that i have a vision. This vision contradicts the power to act upon what you see. It is considered as nothing. Because having a vision without doing anything is just a vision. To prove my vision, i told my best friend 18 years ago that i dont need to wish for cars because i know i will have one soon. 2016 i bought an old jeep. It’s not a car but at least i didn’t do anything about it. I mean didnt persevere for the sake of having a vehicle. Lol. 

3. I see the world as a cruel place, because of other people’s way of thinking. It is written in the bible that the world’s worldly actions will worsen as time goes by. Can we do something about it? Maybe no. But we can choose not to be involved at least. 

4. I trust myself too much i come up to conclusions which cannot be changed. This is related to number two. This is the negative vision lol. Sometimes consequences dont matter as long as i have predicted it. It gives me the sense of power that i knew something. Or avoid something never knowing what’s gonna really happen because of the negative vision. The results are probably (i used the word probably because im certain that it wont do me any good) missed opporunities. I didnt take paths which im fucking certain are meaningless but it could mean that im just a fucking coward trying to escape the real outcome. I remember the wuote from heisenberg that the path continues to move when we observe it: something like that. Of course it’s physics but i try to connect it with life. 

5. When i truly love something, i become silent. I dont do anything. I dont shout it to the world i keep it. Because of cowardice and numbers 1-4. I have this stupid conclusion if what’s gonna happen. It comes with overthinking. 

There’s more but im tired to think of them really. The worst enemy is your self. Of course it may not be applied to others, like soldiers. Lol. And my conclusion to this post is to do something about my goals. Even the cigarettes dont help at the moment. Again i might just be procrastinating, writing about things that are not really problems. It might cause me a lot of burden but not to the people around me. They have their own problems. 

Staying silent, as ive said. I was judging Rigel without his knowing. I miss him a lot. And it felt like im the only one doing things to communicate or be with him. Thinking that he’s fine without me makes me feel sad and motivated to move on. I dont know but i havent said it to anyone how i felt. I dont know if i love him. Maybe i do. The set up we have isnt enough to say the things i want to say. Dont get me wrong. I will never declare my feelings for him. It’s just random research on how his mind works. Being with him makes things easy. Reality-wise. Easier and happier. And i have concluded that this person would make my days better until i die. Funny because he knows nothing. Lol. Sometimes he gives the hints that he kinda understands me. But most of the time his words came from a practical approach. The tangible things, the real-world things. So currently he is my object of study. But im avoiding it. I guess im justifying that i was wrong about my happy ever after conclusion lol. If he’s ordinary (a typical turn off for me. ) then why do i still not change my mind about him. Him getting into a relationship would destroy me. But im not afraid. Or still am, but these things i entrust to the divine. Lol. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) feelings fade. And im just waiting for it, as the title says.

Something

Again. Sorry for the wrong grammar. Lol. While i was typing the title of this blog i noticed that i shook my head. (Or is it was shaking my head) okay i already apologized for the grammatical errors of this post so please do continue and dont give a fuck. Lol. The reason i shook my head because this happened before. Many times. I couldn’t sleep because something’s bugging me. In my previous blogs i blamed it on caffeine. And yes, i had plenty of caffeine today. Lol. And i was supposed to edit my resume. I did edit my resume. I tried to put some art and then noticed the time 11:oo pm so i decided to sleep. Lol. Before that i had a battle. (Positivity versus negativity) in my mind. Lol. The funny thing is positivity won, so i didnt bother to edit my resume. (Tomorrow is a new day! Hurrah!) lol. But because i had caffeine overload i couldn’t sleep. If i had edited my resume it shouldve been ready for printing tomorrow. Lol. What a rubbish post. Hahahahahahaha! I dont know. If people like me. Will succeed. Hahahahaha. Crap! But if you will think about it, for example, you have a big exam on a certain subject, you didnt review because you didnt feel like doing it. And the next day your professor’s sick. So, no exam. Lol. I am not rationalizing my laziness. I think it’s just funny. Maybe ill get by with this attitude but no distinction in terms of success.  I am not against hard work. In fact i am surprised that i involuntarily worked hard in some phases of my life. (Whatever you call it! ) well i think this post is pointless for some. But meaningful for me. Meaningful because this is my outlet. After this post i will be fine and soon be in good working condition. I guess in life there’s plenty of stress. Stress that leads to overthinking then paranoia. If i were an HR i would never hire the author of this blog. Hahahahhahahaha! Because it seems that the writer is unfit for the job! How come there were employees that i know who passed the exam,etc but were unfit for the job? Dumb HR. I guess. Lol. Or palakasan. Oh dear. I think i shouldnt be too harsh on myself but sometimes i do this or a lot because i am fucking procrastinating all the time! Hahahahaha! I dont always work hard but when i do, i work til i lose my senses. Nice nice! Have you ever had enough time you had taken all the personality tests on google search’s pages 1-3 and still remember the questions? Yes! Lol. Name all the mbti/jung typology websites. Been taking them since i learned how to use the internet. Result? Intp. Always. They say that einstein’s an INTP. He’s my idol. And the only similarity that we have is we dont know/ want to drive. Lol. I havent tried it though. Anyways let me define my personal mbti result. Intp. Introspective Negative Thinking(over)Paranoid. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Perfect! Mind you, this is only an outlet. I call this therapy. Writing clears my mind. When the world has taken its toll on me(at least in my imagination) i write. At least i do not whine about love life! At this moment i remembered my crush. I call him mr sunshine! Because there are plenty of stars in the universe. Bigger, brighter, bolder, yet the sun is the only star that shines over the earth. Giving life! Wow! But he shouldnt be mr sunshine. Because the sun is in the perfect position. So it means he will never be mine lol. Or im not the earth. Im pluto. Hahahahahaha. I think im talking like crazy. I just remembered his face and i suddenly talked about the solar system. Well even i dont earn money from writing, i still consider myself as a writer. A writer is someone who creates something awful into something beautiful. Wait, isnt it called recycling? Lol. No thats garbage to something useful. But theyre kinda similar. And a writer exaggerates things. Like for example you read ” the sheets that hugged them produced heat… Sorry it sounds like sciencey. Lol. What i mean is authors can make sex like an art or something beautiful but the actual physical thing is it’s not. Its more of a funny and a little disgusting kind of thing. Hahahahaha! Well because writers focus on the beauty/ feeling rather than the bad things or unnecessary things. Okay enough of this shit. So it’s 1:20 am and how am i supposed to get up early and edit my resume? Lol. We’ll see! Hahahahaha