Okay, so yesterday i sent the link of this blog to my sister and bestest best friend. And i think it was a wrong move 😂. The thing about keeping this private makes me pour out my emotions and thoughts no matter how embarrassing they are. But i already sent the link to them and they have read some of my posts, so if you two have come across this post i apologize because you might not like the following content. Lol. I think this is the most embarrassing post to end the year. So here it goes. ( i hope to tackle my emotions correctly but since i am struggling to do it well, good luck to me.)
Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)
Remember my old post regarding my so-called sun? Of course no one remembers, im just talking to my blog lol. That was the last time i felt my emotions run deep, honestly i hoped for a chance to be with him even just as a friend. But i stayed away from him because i knew i had zero chance. I still think about him sometimes and dream of him occasionally.
Now im really wondering where is my future love. I feel sorry for him/her/it because once again i have let down my guard and fell for something unexpected. Of course i like to romanticize feelings. And im not good in expressing my emotions but i will try my best to make them clear. I might seem exaggerated or shallow when i write but again, im telling you, expressing my thoughts using the right words is my greatest struggle. See? I already had a few paragraphs but i haven’t started about my topic yet lolololololololol.
Prepare yourself for another crazy post. Whahahahahahahahahaha. Okay, about my so-called sun. He left because his part in my life is finished. (Sorry for the wrong grammar) and it is kind of strange that i encountered someone who reminded me of him. They have the same age, same profession and thank God different habits. Let’s give him a code name. Lol. Rigel. It’s actually one of my gadgets’ name. If im not mistaken Rigel is bigger and brighter than the sun. So does this mean he’s more far-fetched? Well i have known rigel since i was a teen-ager and since im already in my 50’s 😂😂😂😂😂😂 just kidding. When i saw him again i thought that he’s kind of cute. But just a random comment because he’d grown. And another thing is we randomly communicate because of well, my best friend knows the answer. Lol. And of course because of the matrix. Lolololololol. I dont want to state the actual reason, it’s just a code. Im just writing because i want this feeling to fade. So after several months i would just laugh about this post. Hahahahahahahaha. So there. So Rigel reminded me of something bigger than the sun, that is to focus on my true niche. But believe me, i dont fancy him when i decided to ask him a favor (my sister and bff knows this). It’s just a random action and something that’s essential — something i will need in the future. It’s hobby related, true-niche related because i have planned before that i have to do something regarding what i want in life. So i went to his empire and Rigel was in his boxers. Lol. I didnt care because i have known him for a long time and he was like family to me. God this is so embarrassing. Lol. He tried to do the task i requested and there was some error so i had to go back and return to his empire later on that day. Without malice or romantic inclination i viewed Rigel as someone with potential success in the future. Seeing him felt like— if this man succeeds, id be able to breathe comfortably and just laugh at my mistakes in my younger years. That’s why i try to motivate him every chance encounter i get. So there. The task was done. While he was doing the task we talked about our interests, possibilities and the future of gaming industry. I couldnt believe myself at that time, that i openly discussed my dreams comfortably. Well we are on the same track but different branches so it’s still related. I was so relaxed and at that time i seemed to kind of enjoy every second i was there. No pretensions, just plain relaxed conversation. I didnt need to be cautious regarding my actions because i was damn comfortable. And he’s like a brother to me. It only felt awkward when he talked he looked at me while his sitting position is away from my direction. I am just allergic to anyone looking at me. Because i dont look at the person im talking to. I dont know lol. I admit im weird but i prefer staring blankly at something or looking at something in the background that moves. Like a pc cursor, wind sheild wipers, etc. So there. Before i went to Rigel’s empire i prayed for happiness btw, and when i got home it’s more than happiness. I realized that I liked him. Lolololololololol. LMAO. He’s cute, intelligent, sensitive, not absent minded, quick thinker and very kind. He’s also sweet. To clear things he doesn’t like me romantically. He’s just being him. He had no idea i like him. Of course! Lol. But because after this realization i might not want to see him again. One of the reasons why im still single. But nah, that’s fine. I used to be comfortable with him all the time. But this feeling kinda turned out to be an obsession and wishful thinking. Lmao! Obsession because im dying to see him. (Yet im not making any move the fact that i know where he lives) and wishful thinking- i wish my future love would be like him. Someone who looks like him and older than me. I wish he was another person- someone whom i have met at school or work, someone like my age. And the craziest part is i couldnt bear seeing him being with another girl. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Why am i so stupid hahahahahahahaha! He cant be mine of course. It’s like a forbidden jutsu. Im just wishing ill find someone like him whom im very comfortable with. And i dont know where is this fucking guy! Lol. I should be in a relationship by now, planning our wedding, buying a house, building our dreams? It’s not that i question God’s timing. I was just wondering why is it taking so long to meet whoever is for me, and why am i crushing on someone who is impossible? My sister said i was never serious, also my best friend. So i therefore conclude that this too shall pass. But all im wishing is when i meet that someone, let it be like my set up with Rigel: im not afraid to be myself.
Funny he had no idea about what i feel. Of course i would die not telling him. My best friend would kill me. And he views me as a sister. Let it be. I just hope this would fade quikly. Because i think that wont be the last time well be seeing each other. I hope my feelings are gone the next time. Why does he have to be so cute? Lololololololololololololol. I dont know. I just suddenly felt it. I want him to succeed and become a good man. I just hope my feelings are gone by the time he gets into a relationship because if that happens tomorrow, id probably have a heart attack. Im serious. Now all i have to do is believe in my superpower- im easy to fall and easy to forget. So i hope this is not as real as it seems. I hope this is just another crush.
After posting this i am going to read this to validate if i had expressed my feelings correctly lmao
fast forward to future 