it’s okay to be a nobody before becoming somebody

this new UI is quite confusing it took me 5 mins to find the “write a new post” lol

So again I’m here because Im waiting for my phone to get fully charged. I tried to clean up the clutter from our small table and of course I failed lol. I was just amazed that I have a co-worker that have adhd. but the thing is, were the complete opposite. He’s the most competitive in our batch. I based his competitiveness on the stars of course because he’s a scorpio. Lol. Little did i know he has adhd and was diagnosed when he was just a kid. So there goes the judgement of the people. They find him weird and just wants to be at the top, on the top? Whatever lol. I was wondering if he could be hyperfocused and hyperproductive at work, then why cant i? meh, i might ask him how he does it maybe its on his star sign hahahahaha! There are really some people that wherever they are, they kinda excel in what they do. Because of their drive. So my plan tomorrow is to play pretend again. I hope i dont forget. I will pretend that im a scorpio and i will surpass everyone’s productivity tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHA! I hope i wont forget this! So this is also a memory test, and a mood test! I do remember things but when i dont feel like doing it i just let it go. Lol. And also i have an alarm at 12:45 am because my daughter has a fever and i need to give her paracetamol.

okay. Back to the title. This coworker of mine is somebody. And i am the nobody. He just reminded me of the ILLUSION (i call it snd capsed it– yes there is no such word as capsed. Capsed locked it! Lol) because it hasnt happened yet! That full potential! My dream job! I mean i dont know what my dream job is yet! Lol! So there goes the problem! How do you chase a dream when you dont even know what your dream is! Before writing on this blog, i prayed to God that if i cant be good or the best at anything, then help me become the best mother for my daughter. At last I prayed for something specific while looking at the white wall in our bedroom. I even asked for forgiveness (this is kinda super duper personal but i dont mind, nobody knows my real persona hahahaha) because when I pray, i forget that im praying, and i get lost my own thoughts.

although i havent said thank you to the people who treated me like normal and not neurodivergent, well bless them. But sometimes it’s frustrating- no most of the time. Even my partner doesnt understand what is on my mind. He doesnt research about adhd. Anyways discussing my lovelife here is difficult to translate in english lol. So i forgot and then suddenly remembered it!

when i was in london i had a penpal or email pal and i completely forgotten about him until i went back home. Funny thing is, i suddenly remembered him after 5 years and reviewed my old mail. Twas my fault i forgot to reply to his email lol. To some people its just random forgetfulness but i mean this person was remarkable! He’s cute, intelligent. I wonder how is he now! But i think i have forgotten my email that i used to email him lol.

i remembered of just getting tired about adhd people getting tagged as it’s not something to worry about. Like my sister who says Michael Jordan has adhd. Well i dony know mj personally and i havent researched about his struggles before becoming a nba player. All i know is all my life ive been struggling because even though that im smart, i always get left behind! So The question is, will i ever be good at anything, or incredibly great at something? Aside from washing the dishes lol. So im waiting for that “destiny is calling” because all lines are busy now! Lol. Will i become i great writer? Or an animator or should i come back as an app developer ( the course i paid and failed lol) well i have an appointment with my Dr on one of my day offs. I wont pressure myself on knowing what career would i really like to pursue because i still have lots of ideas to the point that i have no idea on those ideas! Hahahahahaha! But im serious about my prayers! Meanwhile i hope i remember my play pretend tomorrow! I just sometimes get that feeling that there is something missing! What about nursing? Well i loved working at the ER but i i guess er is just a phase. I love working at the hospital but the people/ management are so annoying! So working from home is kinda breath of fresh air.

so i hope if anyone who reads this and have the same mind as me, dont lose hope! Who knows because were good at getting lost, destiny might find us in the right place and the right time (because we got lost! Lol)

i just remembered i have a blog after two years!

Time is 11:30 PM

so after two years how did i manage to remember that i should write here? Simple. Because i am full of energy today and i had a cup of coffee instead of chamomile tea LOL.

This morning i woke up before 6 am because I gotta get to work at 8 am. And yep i dont work in the hospital anymore. So basically the setup is now work from home. And i am not working at my home but my mom’s home. Lol. Kinda confusing? Well my mom had an accident and she had undergone partial hip replacement. Since I am the nurse in the family we decided to transfer back for the mean time until she gets fully recovered. So i have a semi-broken family set up i dont know what to call it. Whatever!

I am worried about by new phone I just bought and my mom is doing great and there is no connection to that I just remembered to clarify that my mom isnt that ill she gets into my nerves sometimes i think she has ADHD. She kind of forgets that ahe had a major surgery and tries to walk like normal. And well my phone I remember ( Im using LTE is more ill than my mom hahahahaha)

and then I realized that I, again dont know whwere to start and just trying to type what comes inti my mind.

So what happened to me in two years??? I feel kinda organized so im gonna enumerate them.:

1. I quit my hospital job because I was transferred from ER to ward. (This was the main reason I quit since I dont have that job hopping mentality because i dont like the process of getting hired– interviews, requirements etc)
2. i still have my partner Lmao. I dunno why maybe because i am financially okay? Hahahahaha.
3. Because of the stress brought by my mom’s accident and my duties as a mother and my stressful work ( we have a timer and it prompts every two mins when youre away ) i decided to consult online to get tested if i have got depression or anxiety or ADHD. Because everything was so overwhelming i Felt like i have gotten worse in performing my daily tasks.
4. since i have a new phone, this is a camera test.
   

This cockroach has been watching me for about 5 mins or more. Well if it understands me, dont move little creature, i dont have my weapon with me. Lol.

Funny because at work I was called out because of my low time on our system. And the team leaders see our activities on the computer and asked so youre having short breaks every hour? I should have said, correction! Every 30 minutes!

6. I would like to congratulate myself for having access again to this blog! Thanks to smartphones! And thanks to me because i rarely delete old emails. And i was feeling uneasy at work for the past 9 months. Btw i was just hired last March Lol. I find it stressful to sit in front of your computer doing notjing. We are required to finish 30 tasks per hour. A total of 214 for 8 hours. And i always finish the half of it for one hour only. so i remembered why not write. Since i cant force myself to do something i tend to go out, smoke, come back in two mins, jiggle the mouse, repeat. I decided to come back to blogging again. I dont vlog. It just feels uncomfortable. And i am not that broke enough to make my own reels. Lol.

so this is my last resort when i feel restless. Wanting to do something but i dont know what to do. I am always restless by the way i just dont speak to my family about it.

So before this post/ month ends i would like to inform whoever is reading this that I am now officially diagnosed with ADHD. Okay so nobody was shocked. Even me. And i still have pending counselling with the Psych but eventually i forgot to follow up when? But isnt that his job to ask me? Lol whatever. Lets just say it’s holiday season. Maybe hes busy. And oh it’s Christmas! Merry Christmas!

it’s hard to write using a small phone with new UI from wordpress. I feel kinda relieved but not yet relaxed. I wnna get up and smoke. But i thank myself for cheering me up. Its okay to entertain yourself because people are always busy! So hwre i am, reading and writing on my own blog to feel normal. Lol. Until my next post!