One of my greatest dreams is to write a book. A book that will change some people’s perspectives about life. Im not rushing. Because i feel like i dont have enough knowledge and experience yet to write what i want others to convey. I guess this is my purpose. My real purpose: to send a message to random people. Of course i would publish it for free. I learned things for free so why would i get money from it?
Life sure is mystical even though we kind of predict things through common sense and science. Predicting things is one of my favourite hobbies, that’s why i was inclined to study palmistry, astrology, body language and myers briggs. Lol. My hunger for predictions extended to predicting people, knowing them without their knowing so i know what im gonna do or how im gonna act. Because i despise interacting with people i try to learn by the book. And the inevitable interactions with people — i do it to see if what i’ve studied is true. So all my life, i guess, i’ve been studying and experimenting everything everyday. I have helped a couple of people though. I explain the side that they can’t see or understand. I have failures though. Sometimes i get caught up in logic i forget that this person’s myers-briggs is incapable of deciphering my point. Lol. Sometimes, knowing a lot can be a pain in the ass because you’re the one who’s gonna adjust in certain situations. Most people arent interested in learning and are incapable of change. They want to be accepted for who they are and how they think. It’s sad because problems in general are usually caused by misunderstanding because one isnt willing to change. It’s also sad that people aren’t a fan of logic. I know logic also has limitations. Logic cannot hold the world in general. If you would read the bible, it says that you must do everything in love. There is no logic in love. And i wonder if there’s love in logic. I love logic. I love science. But my love for these things had gotten me into trouble. Minor troubles i guess.
For example. Pardon if i couldn’t explain what im going to say. Lol i always think in advance. I calculate things in my mind. Not necessarily money. Im bad at counting in numbers. But i like to measure things. Or i measure everything. It’s mental math. Not necessarily in formula. ( even during school days i get right answers in math without using formulas) we were eating our lunch and i was given an extra rice. I cut in in half or rather 60 percent and gave the other 40 to my friend. She insisted that i should get some more because she knows me and i still have plenty of ulam. ( asians eat meals with rice ) i said no i dont have enough, thinking that i have calculated how much rice would amount to my meal. She tried to put her rice on my plate and before the rice fell i held her arm signalling a strong “dont put that on my plate or else you will die” manner. I might have offended her. Im sure i did (she’s a heavy Fe user). My point is, its hard to explain to someone what goes inside your head. Saying that this half of rice is enough because i have mentally measured the ratio of my meal and i know what i need without presenting a formula might come off as crazy, or weird. Im not intelligent. I just know some things and everyone is capable of measuring things normally. I dont know. Having me to explain things will complicate situations because im not comfortable in talking. Thats why i love writing. Im not a quiet person in contrast. I just hold back because honestly most if the situations i encounter especially the simple things, the small talks, i usually shut up, process things the whole day before i come up with my response. But i dont usually respond. Even with rigel. He has said a lot of things which i havent responded. It felt like a dead end to the conversation. I have a couple of responses in my written in my head but i dont blurt them out. I prefer to process them. So im an idiot. Lol. The question is, am i numb? Maybe to others, I am. Because my reactions (except anger- when something isnt logical or hurts my family members) are always flat affect or a strange laughter. This is one of my lifelong problems: i think too much it makes me non responsive or numb to others. I even consult simple things on how should i react if i couldnt find a solution myself. Because my conclusion most of the time are none. Lol. This ends to okay i really understand why i havent got a relationship. Because i am dead to reactions. Maybe im not really interested in romantic relationships. Even an experiment for the sake of studying it wont do. Like as some random guy to pretend to be a boyfriend just to see what goes in a relationship starring me. It’s kind of desperate and pathetic and a bait for abusive or cunning man. But most people would see it as desperate not knowing my real motive- it’s weird to explain it in layman’s term.
Anyways i feel my hyperacidity is attacking me so im gonna go get some rest. I promised myself not to overthink things.
About my book, of course it’s about the meaning of life. And God’s existence. As a lover of logic and science it would be weird to write something like this. But that’s one of my goals. And my other story is like most of the stories. Its just how i view the world. An allegory in reaching anything you truly want.
fast forward to future 