Do what you love. ( a message to all the struggling artists on earth)

I haven’t written something for a few months. Lol. I shared my blog to someone i look up to and  i don’t know what’s his true reaction to my posts. Nevermind. I’ve been struggling lately in this so-called earth. Nope, it’s not poverty like most people struggle about. I am just writing to update this blog regarding my search for a purpose. The physical purpose. Lol. As a Christian, you don’t have to find a purpose. Be good, do good because God is watching you and has a hard copy of everything you’ve done since birth. Lmao. 

I just noticed that ideas come to me when i go to church. It’s not that im not listening to the sermon. I dunno. I sometimes think it’s the devils distraction or an angel guiding me on what to do with my life. I realized that we’re all gonna die, and somehow leave something meaningful to the next generation so they might not go astray. Who knows in the next twenty years there will be a new hype, where gamers battle in real life. I really want to create a game, that’s why i immersed myself in playing mobile legends. I was wondering who made the characters and if they get a commission based on the popularity of a character. Well i never stopped writing on my loser anime-type novel. Loser because it’s not popular. Lol but that’s fine. It makes me happy to read it. I was just thinking about the movie Idiocracy, the only movie i would like to recommend to someone who would ask me what to watch. It’s a bit exaggerated of course.. but it makes sense. Im not very good with words, but i dedicate this post to all the starving artists all over the world. I just hope my message would all be clear. 

You can google the movie synopsis if you haven’t watched it. When my sister and i had a fight because of a neighbor’s wake, she told me i live in a dream world that’s why she would nevwr understand me. And vice versa. I wasn’t mad. It’s true thy i live in my own world. I am physically present because i cannot disappear physically, but mentally i am pondering things. But of course i usually do my observation on people, mostly Clevon’s decendants. If you would read the bible it says that the world will become more cruel as the days come. To connect it with the movie, it could be true. Because those who multiply are stupid. This sounds rude, right. But come to think of it, im not saying everyone on this planet who become parents are stupid. Just take a good look around, my friend. And those who are intelligent as well as overthinkers spend too much time on doing something rather than sex. Or simply overthinks that the world is cruel and i don’t want my future generation to suffer. We haven’t fixed simple real-life problems because of greed. It would cause a debate because labelling the future generation as products of stupidity combats the will of God (god gave us life). But God gave us free will and the free will of stupid people is justified. Lol. 

Anyways i think i lost track of what i wanted to talk about. People are driven by love. Whether atupid or intelligent. Love makes the world bearable. That’s what i think. Sadly i haven’t experienced that kind of love. Because for me it’s ideas. For an artist who is doing something whether it’s a song, a comic book, (RIP Stan Lee), a novel, etc.. it’s kind of difficult for them not selling. No recognition. I think my grammar is busted lol. What im trying to say is, technology could be an edge today because it’s easier to publish your works. And because of technology it’s also easier for hunters to steal them. And what’s worse is you compete with artist wannabes who uses popularity but are stupid down to the core. They win because as i have said before, clevon’s decendants make up the earth, and stupid works are enjoyed by stupid audiences. Lol. A real masterpiece is liked by both intelligent and stupid being. I admit that im rude. Correct me if im wrong. It’s fine with me. But i think artists should not crave for recognition or whatsoever. Just don’t stop doing what you love. The right people would appreciate what you do. And based on my experience i am quite happy with two readers. I just want to make it big not to earn money. (I didnt graduate for nothing) but to share the hidden message (not everyone will get it) to most people. I think im good and hardworking in this set up so i want to see the results.  As a matter of fact this also makes me feel not normal because most people settle down, have kids etc. I made a deal with the universe by the way. But it’s top secret lol. If falling in love would stop me from writing these stories, then i would never love at all. (Two of my friends who used to write stories have stopped. They’re married now) well on the practical side of life, it could be called a sign of maturity. It’s just a phase unobserved and rather irrelevant to the future of the subject that’s why they stopped doing it. If that’s the case, am i still writing because i’m a weirdo, loveless creature? Lmao. It’s my world. My universe. I hated the world that’s why i created my own. Sometimes i wish i could find something good in the norm. I do. But it’s not enough. I admit im still lost in doing tangible things and too bad they’re connected in chasing my dreams. But i will never give up. I’m testing time if my passion fades. And i never stopped thinking about sharing messages. I already have a plan about my projects. But i already expected a few to understand. But of course consistency is hoghly facoured by the universe. Lol. Me, consistent? I dont know. 

And about the guy i was talking about in the past  posts, well let me tell you my favourite quote, a universal quote: 

“I believe that the existence of the classical “path” can be pregnantly formulated as follows: The “path” comes into existence only when we observe it.” -werner heisenberg (uncertainty principle paper) 

Just like what Heisenberg did, he shared something to the world and kudos to him i found this quote. It’s about physics, but let me tell you that everything is connected. So i use it in the love department. I have stopped observing the path that connects me to this person. I ignored everything. Even my feelings so it’s considered as non-existent. I might sound crazy but it’s just the same as those artists who never paid attention to their talents, who never practiced their gifts, who never believed in their abilities. It’s a choice, after all. But to those who were mocked by other people to stop doing what they love, never listen to them. If you are not happy with the world, do something to make it happier. At least for yourself. 

Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)

Okay, so yesterday i sent the link of this blog to my sister and bestest best friend. And i think it was a wrong move 😂. The thing about keeping this private makes me pour out my emotions and thoughts no matter how embarrassing they are. But i already sent the link to them and they have read some of my posts, so if you two have come across this post i apologize because you might not like the following content. Lol. I think this is the most embarrassing post to end the year. So here it goes. ( i hope to tackle my emotions correctly but since i am struggling to do it well, good luck to me.) 
Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)

Remember my old post regarding my so-called sun? Of course no one remembers, im just talking to my blog lol. That was the last time i felt  my emotions run deep, honestly i hoped for a chance to be with him even just as a friend. But i stayed away from him because i knew i had zero chance. I still think about him sometimes and dream of him occasionally. 

Now im really wondering where is my future love. I feel sorry for him/her/it because once again i have let down my guard and fell for something unexpected. Of course i like to romanticize feelings. And im not good in expressing my emotions but i will try my best to make them clear. I might seem exaggerated or shallow when i write but again, im telling you, expressing my thoughts using the right words is my greatest struggle. See? I already had a few paragraphs but i haven’t started about my topic yet lolololololololol. 

Prepare yourself for another crazy post. Whahahahahahahahahaha. Okay, about my so-called sun. He left because his part in my life is finished. (Sorry for the wrong grammar) and it is kind of strange that i encountered someone who reminded me of him. They have the same age, same profession and thank God different habits. Let’s give him a code name. Lol. Rigel. It’s actually one of my gadgets’ name. If im not mistaken Rigel is bigger and brighter than the sun. So does this mean he’s more far-fetched? Well i have known rigel since i was a teen-ager and since im already in my 50’s 😂😂😂😂😂😂 just kidding. When i saw him again i thought that he’s kind of cute. But just a random comment because he’d grown. And another thing is we randomly communicate because of well, my best friend knows the answer. Lol. And of course because of the matrix. Lolololololol. I dont want to state the actual reason, it’s just a code. Im just writing because i want this feeling to fade. So after several months i would just laugh about this post. Hahahahahahahaha. So there. So Rigel reminded me of something bigger than the sun, that is to focus on my true niche. But believe me, i dont fancy him when i decided to ask him a favor (my sister and bff knows this). It’s just a random action and something that’s essential — something i will need in the future. It’s hobby related, true-niche related because i have planned before that i have to do something regarding what i want in life. So i went to his empire and Rigel was in his boxers. Lol. I didnt care because i have known him for a long time and he was like family to me. God this is so embarrassing. Lol. He tried to do the task i requested and there was some error so i had to go back and return to his empire later on that day. Without malice or romantic inclination i viewed Rigel as someone with potential success in the future. Seeing him  felt like— if this man succeeds, id be able to breathe comfortably and just laugh at my mistakes in my younger years. That’s why i try to motivate him every chance encounter i get. So there. The task was done. While he was doing the task we talked about our interests, possibilities and the future of gaming industry. I couldnt believe myself at that time, that i openly discussed my dreams comfortably. Well we are on the same track but different branches so it’s still related. I was so relaxed and at that time i seemed to kind of enjoy every second i was there. No pretensions, just plain relaxed conversation. I didnt need to be cautious regarding my actions because i was damn comfortable. And he’s like a brother to me. It only felt awkward when he talked he looked at me while his sitting position is away from my direction. I am just allergic to anyone looking at me. Because i dont look at the person im talking to. I dont know lol. I admit im weird but i prefer staring blankly at something or looking at something in the background that moves. Like a pc cursor, wind sheild wipers, etc. So there. Before i went to Rigel’s empire i prayed for happiness btw, and when i got home it’s more than happiness. I realized that I liked him. Lolololololololol. LMAO. He’s cute, intelligent, sensitive, not absent minded, quick thinker and very kind. He’s also sweet. To clear things he doesn’t like me romantically. He’s just being him. He had no idea i like him. Of course! Lol. But because after this realization i might not want to see him again. One of the reasons why im still single. But nah, that’s fine. I used to be comfortable with him all the time. But this feeling kinda turned out to be an obsession and wishful thinking. Lmao! Obsession because im dying to see him. (Yet im not making any move the fact that i know where he lives) and wishful thinking- i wish my future love would be like him. Someone who looks like him and older than me. I wish he was another person- someone whom i have met at school or work, someone like my age. And the craziest part is i couldnt bear seeing him being with another girl. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Why am i so stupid hahahahahahahaha! He cant be mine of course. It’s like a forbidden jutsu. Im just wishing ill find someone like him whom im very comfortable with. And i dont know where is this fucking guy! Lol. I should be in a relationship by now, planning our wedding, buying a house, building our dreams? It’s not that i question God’s timing. I was just wondering why is it taking so long to meet whoever is for me, and why am i crushing on someone who is impossible? My sister said i was never serious, also my best friend. So i therefore conclude that this too shall pass. But all im wishing is when i meet that someone, let it be like my set up with Rigel: im not afraid to be myself. 

Funny he had no idea about what i feel. Of course i would die not telling him. My best friend would kill me. And he views me as a sister. Let it be. I just hope this would fade quikly. Because i think that wont be the last time well be seeing each other. I hope my feelings are gone the next time. Why does he have to be so cute? Lololololololololololololol. I dont know. I just suddenly felt it. I want him to succeed and become a good man. I just hope my feelings are gone by the time he gets into a relationship because if that happens tomorrow, id probably have a heart attack. Im serious. Now all i have to do is believe in my superpower- im easy to fall and easy to forget. So i hope this is not as real as it seems. I hope this is just another crush. 

After posting this i am going to read this to validate if i had expressed my feelings correctly lmao

“Knock, knock/Who’s there?/Reality./Reality who?

i thought my mbti fever has subsided. well, no. i’ve been more interested in it because i t is my main tool in assessing human behavior. wtf? i think i have taken different versions for more than 20 times. (i actually lost count, that’s only estimation, duh lol) and while digging deeper into the descriptions i refuse to believe that i am an intp. so i tried answering cognitive functions tests:

i first dissected the descriptions from a thoughtcatalog article. it comes up when you search for a certain type confusion. (bravo for the seo!) my results were Ti Ni Fi Si. an intp should have a se instead.

second, i tried another cognitive functions test. it involved a little math that didn’t hurt. (arithmetic and percentage) and i have gotten more confused because My results (according to the percentage were Ni Ti Fi Ne) there. two active Intuitive dominant functions. of course i tried to compare the output with different orders of the dominant functions of the 16 types. the closest was an infj yet still it’s not. so i decided to use the xy axis to plot the possible answer. and compared it with the sequence of the output percentage so i had to do little arrangements. well im not good in math. i admit. it’s not a guessing thing. but i just have this strange problem solving skill which i can never explain to someone. but i have relied in it a couple of times. during math tests back in high school, college, i got the results right regardless of the knowledge of an equation. (some professors might have accused me of cheating. because i didnt write the step by step solution on how i have come up with the answer. lol). so i have two possible verdicts on the MBTI. it’s either there could be more possible types. (not only 16). Because if you would base  mainly on the basic test, it would categorize you as one of the 16 types. but like me, it didn’t fit one of the 16 types if i used the cognitive functions test. OR, i am plainly dumb in  english and in  understanding the cognitive function questions. lolololololol. i have a high respect for those who have started and developed this MBTI thing and you cannot just say: Sirs and Madams, i think you would have to add another categories for each type. for example. an intp could not only be a Ti Ne Si Fe. but could be a Ti Ni SI Fi. but since i am just a jobless occasionally obsessed nobody without the knowledge of its algorithms. i have nothing to back up my suggestions. lol. i am just waiting for myself to lose interest in mbti.my infj sister thinks i lost myself in this mbti thing.

third, i answered the old JUngian test and my type was: unkown. hahahahahahaha. Well, if i would base on mbti descriptions, i could be an intp. because im currently interested in mbti (i have familiarized myself with the other types– the types of people who are important to me. and some interesting test subjects who are less important to me). it’s better and way different than astrology. i do not regret studying astrology (it’s different from horoscopes). i don’t predict what will happen to an aries tomorrow. i just know the descriptions of an aries personality. lol) but hey, astrology is still interesting though. i guess i believe everything is connected. i verbalized my love for science and my wish to work in the field of physics, and my esfp brother just said, there are things that are certainly impossible to reach. i  thank my brother for the very wonderful support. lol. almost everything interests me. but not the game of thrones hype. lol. i have heard it’s a very nice series and almost everyone have gotten hooked to it. but not me. i dont know. i have reasons. 1.) slow internet connection. i could not download episodes. 2. i could not sit for an hour long watching something. (in case someone gave me copies of it|) i prefer 20 minute sitcoms such as the big bang theory. 3.) based on what i heard about GOT it has a little resemblance on my novel LOL but i dont see it as a threat. WHOA.  4.)i am busy. before someone will call me trying hard to be a genius/ frustrated scientist because of my interests. yeah, i read about theory of relativity and string theory in my leisure time. okay, i take it back. nobody knows i read them. because i read via phone. and nobody checks what im currently reading lol. another thing that interests me is religious beliefs. well i have an INTJ iFriend. did i just use iFriend? yes. an ifriend is someone you met via internet and the i could also mean interesting friend/ or same interest friend. LOL. he’s intelligent and have a great reasoning skills.

okay. back to reality. this monster keeps on knocking  at my door. i just peer thru the window and didnt notice anyone in there. because reality isn’t a person, i guess. i couldnt tell my loved ones that im happy to be with what i do at the moment. being an unproductive citizen and daughter in terms of financial aspects. LOL. again, i don’t know. Maybe because of the boring options on jobs. and if ever i landed a job it would only mean i just got in there out of luck and curiosity. i feel sad actually. facing the future. im just holding on to interesting things that will happen along the way. such as a new joke from a new co worker. hahahahahahaha. well again, i dont know. I am not a bad person but i just dont really feel in sync with reality. i will get a job someday. that’s what i said three months ago. lol. i feel sorry for my family while they feel sorry for me. hahahahahaha. i have to think of the time when reality was quite okay. by the way i used reality as a representation of what is really going on externally. the boring norm, and not what’s going on inside my head. because to some, reality is a perception of one’s own. a person with schizophrenia has a different reality perception same as those who are high on drugs. LOL. anyways. good luck to me. and if reality is equivalent as possibility, i might turn into an object one day, metaphorically.

the universe hates you. deal with it. – Seamus Harper

nope, i haven’t read the world according to seamus harper. i dont have a single idea whether it’s a book or a series. lol. the quote just got into me. i have known that quote for a few years and that’s what i’m feeling. i applied for an online job as a content writer. and i dismissed my application. why? because they are asking me about my skills as a writer and i couldn’t even present my website full of loser posts. have you ever felt being born at the wrong time? if someone wants their body parts change thru surgery, well i guess i want to change my date of birth because i sometimes feel that i should have been born in the time of Noah. lol. okay, it all ends with a question of faith. where is my faith. it’s here. with me. never giving up when everyone has turned their back against you. in times you feel incompetent and useless. non-functional and dumb. i kind of understand drug addicts and terrorists, because they feel the world is a hopeless place they either destroy the world, or themselves. hey, im not an addict or a terrorist. lol. i dont even know how to make bombs. i haven’t even touched a gun. the only thing i have is my faith and my mind.–which i dont want to lose. lol. i guess i would just do my daily chores to be at least productive. is love the answer? maybe yes. love for family. so i guess i wouldn’t be picky with a job. i dunno. i don’t want anything. i suggest my followers to unfollow me. because this blog is full of hopelessness and self-loathing. lol. next time i’ll post something beautiful. i dont need self help books. i just need to think this over. i am an artist and i dont have a muse. lololololololol. a part of me says that i need to join the group of practical people and live in the ugly reality. i hate what the world has become. do i have the capability to change it? i need to change myself first. but i have no idea about the first step. i’m losing interest with what i see.

My journey as an INTP

The title obviously indicates that i am still hooked with MBTI. LOL.  I rested my eyes because i have been on the computer for three hours, randomly taking personality tests. My intention was to apply for a certain job. and to blog. lol. and i spent the entire three hours validating my myers briggs. lol. a few days ago i planned to write something emotional, something that has significant meaning in my life. but i dunno why i didn’t write them lol. i’ve also been thinking about , well i actually forgot it just now. Sorry. LOL. too many LOL’s eh? but this afternoon while having my lunch i felt like crying. it is kind of strange when i don’t enjoy eating because I love to eat. i like my food served hot. But today i didn’t bother what kind of food i was going to eat. i just ate what’s in the table. and it’s not actually edible. hahahahaha. just kidding. i did have a cold drink. that’s my technique when i dont like the food. a soda would do. my eyes are still hurting from the smoke from my cigarettes. and my nose too. from the smell of the mosquito coil beside me.
i decided to write because i still don’t know what to do with my life. my mom just asked me what i am doing because i’m busy. wow. busy. big word. lol. that’s because i missed my daily routine which is doing the daily chores. i don’t want to whine to her about my fucked up resume and my old age. lol. and could you imagine i haven’t looked at the mirror for days. if i were a guy i’d be having a 5-inch beard by now. lol. it’s obvious that i am not into taking care of my physical appearance. it’s not my priority. at the age of thirty i look like mother of five. lol. i refrained from smoking too much. and the cigarette shortage might bring me into panic attack. i want to escape for a while. i wanted to die for a few days. and come back to life with a magnificent job offer in front of me. that’s not how life works. here i am, doing nothing but writing. when i log out i might sleep after cleaning. or continue my flop series. sounds depressing isn’t it? btw, i do believe in dream interpretations, and i dreamed about interpreting numbers i have dreamed of, then a puddle of water inside the house – meaning poor spiritual connection. i do pray every day but i admit i often talk to myself while i’m talking to God, that i forget i am actually praying, and then i apologize. i looked at the small electric fan and thought that it’s blowing air on the other direction than me. lol. anyways, let me tell you a story. lol.

when i was younger i was subconsciously in search for the absolute truth, regardless of knowledge on the MBTI. lol. i actually made up my own personality types. it’s about the two-letter type. the S and O. the first letter symbolizes your view of yourself as a human being. and the other letter on how you view the others. S stands for subjective, and O for objective. The details are written in my small diary which i don’t know where it is. lol. and some of the details were written on myspace. Yup, and i was a typical loser on myspace. no friends. maybe about 4? hahahahahaha. so i therefore conclude that i am interested in how the human mind works, in terms of relationships. That’s why i got inclined to different personality types, as well as astrology. i tend to look on the theoretical aspect of dealing with these monsters, i mean people who are difficult to understand. it only gave me stress. and missed a lot of points, because i was dealing on the crappy objective side of the person and not the actual person. LOL. so if i would use my personal personality type, I’d b an OO. objective-object. hahahahahaha. i see myself and the others as test samples in conducting my personality profile test. when i got to college i was thrilled with Philosophy, that’s when i met the fountainhead. a book which inspired me to study. i hate studying. so what i did was, i cannot touch the fountainhead if i didn’t read a chapter of my textbook. hahahaha. i was also interested in communism. and i had the idea of the believer communist. a communist who believes in God. hahahaha. nope. i never got to read marx’s book. i also produced some quotes which competes for the absolute truth quote. a quote which has no flaw. i think it’s written in some of my diaries. and maybe it has a flaw. the grammar. lolololololol. My favourite quote which i made is: the best thing about being a Christian is the end. at first, it sounds depressing but for a believer, what matters is the end, if you stick to what you believe in. Religious discussions deserve another blog. And you just can’t prove something you don’t see, right? so let’s just leave it here. lol. and back in high school (i write in a disorganized manner. i have trouble in sequence) i made up a secret alphabet (i still remember how to write them lol ) i showed it to my best friend and she was happy about it. lol. but someone with a high IQ could easily figure them out. because of the pattern. I made it easy actually because i, myself am forgetful as fuck. lololololol.

now let’s go back to the present. while some people invested money on travel and material things, i did invest on education which lead me nowhere hahahahaha. nah. i dunno because i haven’t used it myself. i was mad as hell when a friend pointed out that i took up the course because of money. i wanted to kill that friend in one blow. the point is, why didn’t i kill the friend? because there’s no point in convincing one person when he/she is blinded by his/her own view. if i wanted money i’ll have money. hahahaha. you can’t convince people not to love money. and that is one of the world’s problems. we cannot do anything about it. I have been to an international church and saw people cry out to God, raising hands and praising and these hands wear expensive watches. if you would look at the floor you will see expensive bags. and their dresses, expensive brands. lol. maybe they think God gives them material blessings. nevermind them. people love branded stuff. my opinion on that is brands dont matter as long as you like the item. lol. the other thing i dont understand is the neverending cycle of quarelling couples when there’s actually a solution. okay. no judgement here. they say a good adviser is a failure in advising themselves. let’s take that back. hahahahaha. so why venture in a relationship when you see the potential problems. i used to hope that someone would save me from this harsh material-loving world. someone who would undesrtand me and do things for me (because i am always inside my thoughts i am completely detached with reality) or someone who will inspire me to live in reality. being unemployed for years made me realize that i dont need that someone. lololololololol. since i don’t pay attention to my physical appearance, i have zero chances on winning a date. fine with me. and if someone made an attempt i would bombard that person with ten mbti tests and will think im crazy. lol. i’ve seen the future, believe me. and since i am objective that poor person would only become a bitter test sample and leave. hahahahahaha. am i wrong on how i treat people? well i have a best friend whom i love so much and i think i kind of emotionally support her. how did that happen? because she said she needs it. and i know the meaning of the word emotional. lol. most friends complained that i was’t there when they needed it. i just told them you should have told me and i would have given it to you. whahahahahahahahaha.

besides from being a bum and the careless depressive state of mind, i never stopped writing on my crappy work. i am afraid that one day i’ll just break down and cry in the most unexpected place. well the place is expected. because i dont go out. i refrained myself from talking to some people. well i remembered i know someone who’s an intp. but we don’t click. and it seemed as he doesnt have a problem. same with me. i laugh a lot and like to joke around. and one of my professors have told me i dont know anything about being serious. alright. so it’s quite true that im an intp (with possible add ) and i am still in search for the ultimate truth. or a place where i can exercise my brain. too bad if this is the place. sometimes voices tell me that i should learn a certain programming language. ( i took a seven deadly sins test and i got sloth hahahahahahaha) and if i failed at finding that maybe this is the ultimate truth. that im a loser forever and ever. lol