it’s okay to be a nobody before becoming somebody

this new UI is quite confusing it took me 5 mins to find the “write a new post” lol

So again I’m here because Im waiting for my phone to get fully charged. I tried to clean up the clutter from our small table and of course I failed lol. I was just amazed that I have a co-worker that have adhd. but the thing is, were the complete opposite. He’s the most competitive in our batch. I based his competitiveness on the stars of course because he’s a scorpio. Lol. Little did i know he has adhd and was diagnosed when he was just a kid. So there goes the judgement of the people. They find him weird and just wants to be at the top, on the top? Whatever lol. I was wondering if he could be hyperfocused and hyperproductive at work, then why cant i? meh, i might ask him how he does it maybe its on his star sign hahahahaha! There are really some people that wherever they are, they kinda excel in what they do. Because of their drive. So my plan tomorrow is to play pretend again. I hope i dont forget. I will pretend that im a scorpio and i will surpass everyone’s productivity tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHA! I hope i wont forget this! So this is also a memory test, and a mood test! I do remember things but when i dont feel like doing it i just let it go. Lol. And also i have an alarm at 12:45 am because my daughter has a fever and i need to give her paracetamol.

okay. Back to the title. This coworker of mine is somebody. And i am the nobody. He just reminded me of the ILLUSION (i call it snd capsed it– yes there is no such word as capsed. Capsed locked it! Lol) because it hasnt happened yet! That full potential! My dream job! I mean i dont know what my dream job is yet! Lol! So there goes the problem! How do you chase a dream when you dont even know what your dream is! Before writing on this blog, i prayed to God that if i cant be good or the best at anything, then help me become the best mother for my daughter. At last I prayed for something specific while looking at the white wall in our bedroom. I even asked for forgiveness (this is kinda super duper personal but i dont mind, nobody knows my real persona hahahaha) because when I pray, i forget that im praying, and i get lost my own thoughts.

although i havent said thank you to the people who treated me like normal and not neurodivergent, well bless them. But sometimes it’s frustrating- no most of the time. Even my partner doesnt understand what is on my mind. He doesnt research about adhd. Anyways discussing my lovelife here is difficult to translate in english lol. So i forgot and then suddenly remembered it!

when i was in london i had a penpal or email pal and i completely forgotten about him until i went back home. Funny thing is, i suddenly remembered him after 5 years and reviewed my old mail. Twas my fault i forgot to reply to his email lol. To some people its just random forgetfulness but i mean this person was remarkable! He’s cute, intelligent. I wonder how is he now! But i think i have forgotten my email that i used to email him lol.

i remembered of just getting tired about adhd people getting tagged as it’s not something to worry about. Like my sister who says Michael Jordan has adhd. Well i dony know mj personally and i havent researched about his struggles before becoming a nba player. All i know is all my life ive been struggling because even though that im smart, i always get left behind! So The question is, will i ever be good at anything, or incredibly great at something? Aside from washing the dishes lol. So im waiting for that “destiny is calling” because all lines are busy now! Lol. Will i become i great writer? Or an animator or should i come back as an app developer ( the course i paid and failed lol) well i have an appointment with my Dr on one of my day offs. I wont pressure myself on knowing what career would i really like to pursue because i still have lots of ideas to the point that i have no idea on those ideas! Hahahahahaha! But im serious about my prayers! Meanwhile i hope i remember my play pretend tomorrow! I just sometimes get that feeling that there is something missing! What about nursing? Well i loved working at the ER but i i guess er is just a phase. I love working at the hospital but the people/ management are so annoying! So working from home is kinda breath of fresh air.

so i hope if anyone who reads this and have the same mind as me, dont lose hope! Who knows because were good at getting lost, destiny might find us in the right place and the right time (because we got lost! Lol)

i just remembered i have a blog after two years!

Time is 11:30 PM

so after two years how did i manage to remember that i should write here? Simple. Because i am full of energy today and i had a cup of coffee instead of chamomile tea LOL.

This morning i woke up before 6 am because I gotta get to work at 8 am. And yep i dont work in the hospital anymore. So basically the setup is now work from home. And i am not working at my home but my mom’s home. Lol. Kinda confusing? Well my mom had an accident and she had undergone partial hip replacement. Since I am the nurse in the family we decided to transfer back for the mean time until she gets fully recovered. So i have a semi-broken family set up i dont know what to call it. Whatever!

I am worried about by new phone I just bought and my mom is doing great and there is no connection to that I just remembered to clarify that my mom isnt that ill she gets into my nerves sometimes i think she has ADHD. She kind of forgets that ahe had a major surgery and tries to walk like normal. And well my phone I remember ( Im using LTE is more ill than my mom hahahahaha)

and then I realized that I, again dont know whwere to start and just trying to type what comes inti my mind.

So what happened to me in two years??? I feel kinda organized so im gonna enumerate them.:

1. I quit my hospital job because I was transferred from ER to ward. (This was the main reason I quit since I dont have that job hopping mentality because i dont like the process of getting hired– interviews, requirements etc)
2. i still have my partner Lmao. I dunno why maybe because i am financially okay? Hahahahaha.
3. Because of the stress brought by my mom’s accident and my duties as a mother and my stressful work ( we have a timer and it prompts every two mins when youre away ) i decided to consult online to get tested if i have got depression or anxiety or ADHD. Because everything was so overwhelming i Felt like i have gotten worse in performing my daily tasks.
4. since i have a new phone, this is a camera test.
   

This cockroach has been watching me for about 5 mins or more. Well if it understands me, dont move little creature, i dont have my weapon with me. Lol.

Funny because at work I was called out because of my low time on our system. And the team leaders see our activities on the computer and asked so youre having short breaks every hour? I should have said, correction! Every 30 minutes!

6. I would like to congratulate myself for having access again to this blog! Thanks to smartphones! And thanks to me because i rarely delete old emails. And i was feeling uneasy at work for the past 9 months. Btw i was just hired last March Lol. I find it stressful to sit in front of your computer doing notjing. We are required to finish 30 tasks per hour. A total of 214 for 8 hours. And i always finish the half of it for one hour only. so i remembered why not write. Since i cant force myself to do something i tend to go out, smoke, come back in two mins, jiggle the mouse, repeat. I decided to come back to blogging again. I dont vlog. It just feels uncomfortable. And i am not that broke enough to make my own reels. Lol.

so this is my last resort when i feel restless. Wanting to do something but i dont know what to do. I am always restless by the way i just dont speak to my family about it.

So before this post/ month ends i would like to inform whoever is reading this that I am now officially diagnosed with ADHD. Okay so nobody was shocked. Even me. And i still have pending counselling with the Psych but eventually i forgot to follow up when? But isnt that his job to ask me? Lol whatever. Lets just say it’s holiday season. Maybe hes busy. And oh it’s Christmas! Merry Christmas!

it’s hard to write using a small phone with new UI from wordpress. I feel kinda relieved but not yet relaxed. I wnna get up and smoke. But i thank myself for cheering me up. Its okay to entertain yourself because people are always busy! So hwre i am, reading and writing on my own blog to feel normal. Lol. Until my next post!

What do you do when you’re in love? Me: wait for it to fade.

I planned to write on my story yesterday and i had the time the whole day today yet i haven’t started anything. Nothing has changed. We had a discussion at home about the old problems, the root of all the problems which destroyed the potential progress in terms of financial matters. Misunderstandings occured and eventually i have cleared myself for saying something i didn’t mean. But the discussion caused me to realize something: No one saves you except yourself. The power should be within you, not from others. In contrast with how i understand the world: we were designed to lack something, so that someone else would fill the holes. Im talking about life in general. It’s what the deity wants. To help each other: to love one another. Well my realization isn’t off course (pardon for the wrong grammar) because i was talking about fulfilling your grand purpose. We may have different purposes or calling. I should say we need not to consult others on how you’re going to do it. Or we may consult others’ perspectives and if it doesnt align with how you want to do it, then drop it. 

My lifelong burden has been causing me too much trouble. If i would present all the lines i used in my previous blogs, it would represent a circle.  I would try my best to define my problems. I hope i could do it. I still think i have add. Ive got poor memory when it comes to important things. Maybe that’s the reason i am stagnated. 

Now i forgot everything. Lmao. Okay then i remembered:

1. Focus. I cannot focus on my ultimate goal. Adversity isn’t a factor to hinder your goals. It might cause delays, but perseverance is the greatest evidence that will shun the universe to give it to you. 

2. I trust myself too much i procrastinate. To describe this superpower of mine i declare that i have a vision. This vision contradicts the power to act upon what you see. It is considered as nothing. Because having a vision without doing anything is just a vision. To prove my vision, i told my best friend 18 years ago that i dont need to wish for cars because i know i will have one soon. 2016 i bought an old jeep. It’s not a car but at least i didn’t do anything about it. I mean didnt persevere for the sake of having a vehicle. Lol. 

3. I see the world as a cruel place, because of other people’s way of thinking. It is written in the bible that the world’s worldly actions will worsen as time goes by. Can we do something about it? Maybe no. But we can choose not to be involved at least. 

4. I trust myself too much i come up to conclusions which cannot be changed. This is related to number two. This is the negative vision lol. Sometimes consequences dont matter as long as i have predicted it. It gives me the sense of power that i knew something. Or avoid something never knowing what’s gonna really happen because of the negative vision. The results are probably (i used the word probably because im certain that it wont do me any good) missed opporunities. I didnt take paths which im fucking certain are meaningless but it could mean that im just a fucking coward trying to escape the real outcome. I remember the wuote from heisenberg that the path continues to move when we observe it: something like that. Of course it’s physics but i try to connect it with life. 

5. When i truly love something, i become silent. I dont do anything. I dont shout it to the world i keep it. Because of cowardice and numbers 1-4. I have this stupid conclusion if what’s gonna happen. It comes with overthinking. 

There’s more but im tired to think of them really. The worst enemy is your self. Of course it may not be applied to others, like soldiers. Lol. And my conclusion to this post is to do something about my goals. Even the cigarettes dont help at the moment. Again i might just be procrastinating, writing about things that are not really problems. It might cause me a lot of burden but not to the people around me. They have their own problems. 

Staying silent, as ive said. I was judging Rigel without his knowing. I miss him a lot. And it felt like im the only one doing things to communicate or be with him. Thinking that he’s fine without me makes me feel sad and motivated to move on. I dont know but i havent said it to anyone how i felt. I dont know if i love him. Maybe i do. The set up we have isnt enough to say the things i want to say. Dont get me wrong. I will never declare my feelings for him. It’s just random research on how his mind works. Being with him makes things easy. Reality-wise. Easier and happier. And i have concluded that this person would make my days better until i die. Funny because he knows nothing. Lol. Sometimes he gives the hints that he kinda understands me. But most of the time his words came from a practical approach. The tangible things, the real-world things. So currently he is my object of study. But im avoiding it. I guess im justifying that i was wrong about my happy ever after conclusion lol. If he’s ordinary (a typical turn off for me. ) then why do i still not change my mind about him. Him getting into a relationship would destroy me. But im not afraid. Or still am, but these things i entrust to the divine. Lol. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) feelings fade. And im just waiting for it, as the title says.

Testing the waters

So im writing again via phone. Another evidence that i couldn’t contain my current standing in the game of life lol. Sometimes i feel guilty for sharing my blog to someone i know because they might accuse me of being a weakling or being ungrateful. I dont give a fuck anyways. This is my trash bin and it’s obviously metaphorical. I couldn’t write via laptop because our computer is in the living room, it feels uncomfortable writing something even if they dont look at what i am doing. That’s another reason why i couldn’t continue my next episode. 

Im just here to tackle about actions and consequences. You enter a situation, and you are aware of what’s gonna happen. There’s a bonus: that’s when you dont expect something which will happen. I usually predict things as i enter a new setting. So it happened. Job wants me to conform. And i dont want to. Lol. I havent googled the exact meaning of conformity. But i think im on the right track lol. I know the solution: try to conform even if it clashes with your principles. I have written this before. I was just reminded again because i didnt conform to them. Lol. Now another solution is: play pretend. And find something that im gonna think about to shun away the real issue. That’s what i did. Or that’s what i always do. Don’t get me wrong. I am very good, at least in what i do, except the sales shit. Now im thinking what’s it like if im gonna be a parent. Maybe i’ll conform to them just to feed little mouths. A perfect excuse for someone who needed escape, and a perfect example of hard work and inspiration for real parents. 

Im not being smug here. Actually i feel bad for not having the kind of thinking most people have. Conforming to society, going with the flow, not thinking of harming others or violating one’s principles. 

So this post is an evidence that there’s an event in my life (actually the whole blog) that i might just laugh about someday. So the solution i have thought is to see a clairvoyant. My actual reason is to TEST his ability. I predict the future too. I am very curious about his talents. If ever he says something bad or i dont like, well or he might not show up due to a certain incident, or we wont show up because something happened. I cant help but imagine things: everything that could possibly happen- this, my friend, i believe, is a Ne- dominant trait. Lol. But it kinda excites me. It’s something i look forward to— some reason to at least bear the stress my work is causing me. 

I am also thinking that my dream job is still away. But not as far as from ten years ago. Still, a small progress is still a progress. The thing is, im going to unravel the mystery of the clairvoyant with Rigel. Who happened to be interested in knowing the future. That’s why im also anxious about what will happen. I think we’re the same. To be together in one place is inevitable. We do things for a purpose. I dont think this is an excuse just to be with his company. I think he became a medium on extracting what i needed to know to fight in my own game of life. I mean a medium could be anyone. But it happened to be him. No emotions involved. Just plain purpose. I told you i dont let emotions win. It’s just a bonus i happen to be with someone whom im comfortable with. But i still find it strange. But if being with him has a price, i wouldn’t thank him (i did) but i shouldve thanked his purpose. Same with me. I had a purpose seeing him. I needed data for my ultimate dream. Imagine what would happen in the future. If i reached my ultimate dream, maybe he’s married then with kids. I don’t know. Still testing the waters like watching his every move for me to dismiss what i have concluded in my past posts. 

Exciting isn’t it? We’ll see what happens. 

Boring reality

I was supposed to write something about my thoughts on marriage but i think i would leave that for now. I realized that i shouldn’t post often on facebook, since nobody really feels for me. I even avoided chatting on messenger unless it’s urgent.

I am about to finish the k drama Goblin which is the best i have watched so far. I don’t know. Even if i still don’t know the ending, i really can’t contain my feelings. Well at least i told my best friend about what i feel. I don’t know if i’m in love with the series lol but everything is just perfect. The whole story, the lines, the clothes they wear, the places where it was shot, i couldn’t find a single error. And the thing is, i am not really into drama. But i find myself crying in some episodes. To be honest i don’t know why. But i could relate to each character except Park Joong the effin demon ghost lol. They say that when you like something, it’s because you could relate to it. It might have happened to you that’s why it gets you. But not all cases of course. Well maybe because Goblin is really good you don’t need to relate yourself when you watch it. Lol. It’s just funny seeing Eun Tak having a handful of lighters to summon Kim Shin, well i have two lighters (originally three, my brother took one) because i thought i lost my lighter. Sadly i only summon the smoke of a cigarette when i feel like stressed and when i have rushing thoughts that i feel like chasing. I also remember the red scarf- my favourite one. It’s actually red and white but of course when i wear it i choose the red part. I remember the good old days in London. I remember the different seasons when i was abroad that’s why i enjoy watching Goblin. With regards to the story, it was well- written. Yes it’s full of torments but it’s nice. It’s a question of will and fate. Another interesting part of life.

I know these sorts of entertainment are man-made but the timing and the message could be the Deity’s will- or probably fate? I don’t know. Or it’s hard to explain. I myself write stories based on my ideas which has a hidden message on coping with reality. Of course it’s not set in reality but the core of the story is about the struggle of a human being in coping with it. It’s completely the same. So now im wondering when other people watch k dramas or a good movie, is it merely “it entertained me, i enjoyed it” feeling? Maybe some. But i like to look at the moral of the story. In everything. Even in a small incident, i like to connect it with the question what have i learned from it? Is it useful in the future? This neverending learning process goes on. And i don’t know if i could gather them and write it down in one book. Of course acting upon what u have learned is one evidence, even the slightest feeling of hope when you’re down is another evidence. But i want to collect them and maybe pass it on others by fate at least. By random.

I sometimes think that where would my stories go? I dont share it with most people because i know it’s boring to read something when you could watch lots of series online. That’s why i really want to make it a reality. Even if i end up doing it alone- i know it might take me a couple of decades since im a distracted person. And this distraction sometimes lead me to negative thinking. But believe me, im always positive. It feels like im immortal (another thing that i strangely relate to Kim shin-maybe because i have watched my loved ones evolve and lost some of them) lol. I always pray to God to guide me in the right path. When i say im distracted im serious about it. But these distractions —might have something to do in creating something. Something that would sync with the perfect timing.

This will sound strange but my timing is quite different from other people. I know we have different timings because we’re different lmao but what im saying is, like for my age and the likes most people have found their love and focus on building a family, as well as building their careers and all. That’s what i meant. Sometimes or i question myself often, did i really pass the time? Was it my fault? If i wasn’t distracted should have i been successful? Sometimes i forget that im mortal. Really. Man i think i watch too much afterlife shits lol. Or maybe i got to watch them to remind me that life is short so i must get going.

Now im hungry. Lolololololol. This is the boring and sad part of reality. That im very far from achieving my dreams because im broke and distracted. But im doing something about it. Im not the type of person to use someone like marry a rich man or trick people to earn money. I could do that but i choose not to. Because it’s against my values. I like everything done in a good way. That’s what i have learned in life. I hope i have said what i want. I still have lots of thoughts but my priority is sleep. Lol.

And practicing not talking about 75 percent of what’s on my mind or who’s on my mind. This too shall pass.

i might not know what i like but at least i know what i dislike.

no, this isn’t about facebook. I just thought of the title last night. It’s a long term problem of mine that put me into trouble, the thought that “anything” would be alright. I made decisions quickly because anything is okay. Like picking a college degree. I always wanted to work in animation, but since we’re not rich i chose something which is practical. Now i’m stuck in a rut because it’s just an okay course. no passion. no fun. but i always looked at the brighter side. i always give something a chance. that life couldn’t be that bad at all. There is always something good in every thing even if you don’t particularly like something.

now the trouble is, i couldn’t pursue animation at the moment. I almost had the chance, yet i was blinded by the alternative option to enter the university i used to love. technically it was a waste of money. I have learned my lesson the hard way. sometimes i just wanted to disappear or turn into dust because after all, the important thing is you lived your life with kindness. Supposed that i am already kind. but in reality kindness wont keep you alive. You need to have a job– because my main problem is money, i still couldn’t pursue animation./ because i would have to study again and i have no funds for that. i am going back to a practical approach. applying for something that i have no feelings for. i dislike to be unproductive so i have to chase after the things which have no appeal to me. i don’t dislike them but i don’t like them either.

the neutrality of my feelings about certain things kind of  categorize me into a non- ambitious creature. Someone who is okay with anything, someone who does what is necessary. Someone who tries to be practical and moves like a robot- with a certain program inserted at the center of his brain: be productive. help your family. So every day I wake up, search for job which has no appeal to me. it doesn’t excite me and all i ever wanted is to get hired. To some it may sound  miserable. it’s like marrying someone you don’t love– but only for the purpose of having a purpose.

I am someone who just floats around life. swimming with the current- contrary to what most quotes would say: that you must follow your passion. At the moment i have no passion for anything. i would  move blindly for the sake of productivity- and my dream, i am lucky enough if i still remembered it after the years of passionless movements in every day life. If it is still with me, then we’re meant to be together. The question is, would i take it with me when i die, or plant it somewhere where it can grow and at least be found by someone who can nurture it?

The dao of clash of clans

Hello! First of all, i didn’t bother touching my laptop today meaning i didn’t edit my resume. Hahahahahaha! I woke up around ten am. Lololololololol. So there. I hate sleeping late but i just can’t sleep! Because i need to collect 6 million elixir to upgrade my giant. Hahahaha! I know coc is not that popular anymore. Because of clash royale. I dunno, im not addicted to coc anymore. It’s just that i’m close to getting that 6m elixir. I used to be a coc addict. But the fact i managed to have time for it even if i was super busy — it’s called love. Hahahahaha! When coc was very popular ive read strange news about it. Kesho it’s a game made by the illuminati and had symbols of the devil etc. It destroys relationships, (well that’s quite true) becuse its addictive. / addicting? Lol. But for me i have learned a lot from coc. Coc is like life. It’s difficult to sustain it if you dont have enough money. Lolololololol. I never used money just to upgrade quickly. So when playing coc you have to be patient. Of course there are short cuts when u want to upgrade quickly but u need to use gems or other app cheats. But i must say that i am proud of where i am now at coc lol. See? Its like life! You need to take things slowly. Especially when u have no money. Lol. Am i making sense. I dont think so. Hahahahahaha! In every town hall level you become stronger because you get the chance to upgrade your troops. Just like getting credentials to find your perfect opponent– a job! Hahahaha! You also need to be cool and cooperate with other people or your clan in order to win wars. Just like in real life. I dont know why other people dont understand the beauty of video games. (Btw this is playable only on phones and pc) but its still a game. I dont know if im the only one who thinks you can learn from coc. Maybe because im nuts. Defending my time wasting schemes looting instead of applying for jobs. Lol. Anyways, back to my fave topic, myself lol. I have created so many online accounts with different identities. Because i dont want to be found. Lol. I realized that my characters are faceless. Different from each other. And like my passwords, they depend on my current mood. Ive got a lot of things to do! But i often forget them! And one of my projects– i only remembered it now! I think i should focus on that. Well anyway, i dont think i could make money out of writing. Because of my fluctuating mood! I used to dream about creating a novel like the fountainhead. Then a powerful love story, or defeating eckhart tolle’s the power of now. ( i call it the power of later) lol. Im a fan of procrastination. Well i still write on my children stories 😂😂 pathetic. Yet i dont give a fuck because i laugh a lot when i read them. Just like my blogs. Lol. Well someday i’d like to see them on videogame or on tv. Well that would be up to me. I dont know if i could make them popular. I just want to see them move. And mind you, there’s no short cut to success. Just like in coc, it took me one yr to get to th9. So maybe ten or 20 years wont hurt. Whats important is, you dont stop working on it. And you dont notice the time. Bcause you are happy when u do it.