Do what you love. ( a message to all the struggling artists on earth)

I haven’t written something for a few months. Lol. I shared my blog to someone i look up to and  i don’t know what’s his true reaction to my posts. Nevermind. I’ve been struggling lately in this so-called earth. Nope, it’s not poverty like most people struggle about. I am just writing to update this blog regarding my search for a purpose. The physical purpose. Lol. As a Christian, you don’t have to find a purpose. Be good, do good because God is watching you and has a hard copy of everything you’ve done since birth. Lmao. 

I just noticed that ideas come to me when i go to church. It’s not that im not listening to the sermon. I dunno. I sometimes think it’s the devils distraction or an angel guiding me on what to do with my life. I realized that we’re all gonna die, and somehow leave something meaningful to the next generation so they might not go astray. Who knows in the next twenty years there will be a new hype, where gamers battle in real life. I really want to create a game, that’s why i immersed myself in playing mobile legends. I was wondering who made the characters and if they get a commission based on the popularity of a character. Well i never stopped writing on my loser anime-type novel. Loser because it’s not popular. Lol but that’s fine. It makes me happy to read it. I was just thinking about the movie Idiocracy, the only movie i would like to recommend to someone who would ask me what to watch. It’s a bit exaggerated of course.. but it makes sense. Im not very good with words, but i dedicate this post to all the starving artists all over the world. I just hope my message would all be clear. 

You can google the movie synopsis if you haven’t watched it. When my sister and i had a fight because of a neighbor’s wake, she told me i live in a dream world that’s why she would nevwr understand me. And vice versa. I wasn’t mad. It’s true thy i live in my own world. I am physically present because i cannot disappear physically, but mentally i am pondering things. But of course i usually do my observation on people, mostly Clevon’s decendants. If you would read the bible it says that the world will become more cruel as the days come. To connect it with the movie, it could be true. Because those who multiply are stupid. This sounds rude, right. But come to think of it, im not saying everyone on this planet who become parents are stupid. Just take a good look around, my friend. And those who are intelligent as well as overthinkers spend too much time on doing something rather than sex. Or simply overthinks that the world is cruel and i don’t want my future generation to suffer. We haven’t fixed simple real-life problems because of greed. It would cause a debate because labelling the future generation as products of stupidity combats the will of God (god gave us life). But God gave us free will and the free will of stupid people is justified. Lol. 

Anyways i think i lost track of what i wanted to talk about. People are driven by love. Whether atupid or intelligent. Love makes the world bearable. That’s what i think. Sadly i haven’t experienced that kind of love. Because for me it’s ideas. For an artist who is doing something whether it’s a song, a comic book, (RIP Stan Lee), a novel, etc.. it’s kind of difficult for them not selling. No recognition. I think my grammar is busted lol. What im trying to say is, technology could be an edge today because it’s easier to publish your works. And because of technology it’s also easier for hunters to steal them. And what’s worse is you compete with artist wannabes who uses popularity but are stupid down to the core. They win because as i have said before, clevon’s decendants make up the earth, and stupid works are enjoyed by stupid audiences. Lol. A real masterpiece is liked by both intelligent and stupid being. I admit that im rude. Correct me if im wrong. It’s fine with me. But i think artists should not crave for recognition or whatsoever. Just don’t stop doing what you love. The right people would appreciate what you do. And based on my experience i am quite happy with two readers. I just want to make it big not to earn money. (I didnt graduate for nothing) but to share the hidden message (not everyone will get it) to most people. I think im good and hardworking in this set up so i want to see the results.  As a matter of fact this also makes me feel not normal because most people settle down, have kids etc. I made a deal with the universe by the way. But it’s top secret lol. If falling in love would stop me from writing these stories, then i would never love at all. (Two of my friends who used to write stories have stopped. They’re married now) well on the practical side of life, it could be called a sign of maturity. It’s just a phase unobserved and rather irrelevant to the future of the subject that’s why they stopped doing it. If that’s the case, am i still writing because i’m a weirdo, loveless creature? Lmao. It’s my world. My universe. I hated the world that’s why i created my own. Sometimes i wish i could find something good in the norm. I do. But it’s not enough. I admit im still lost in doing tangible things and too bad they’re connected in chasing my dreams. But i will never give up. I’m testing time if my passion fades. And i never stopped thinking about sharing messages. I already have a plan about my projects. But i already expected a few to understand. But of course consistency is hoghly facoured by the universe. Lol. Me, consistent? I dont know. 

And about the guy i was talking about in the past  posts, well let me tell you my favourite quote, a universal quote: 

“I believe that the existence of the classical “path” can be pregnantly formulated as follows: The “path” comes into existence only when we observe it.” -werner heisenberg (uncertainty principle paper) 

Just like what Heisenberg did, he shared something to the world and kudos to him i found this quote. It’s about physics, but let me tell you that everything is connected. So i use it in the love department. I have stopped observing the path that connects me to this person. I ignored everything. Even my feelings so it’s considered as non-existent. I might sound crazy but it’s just the same as those artists who never paid attention to their talents, who never practiced their gifts, who never believed in their abilities. It’s a choice, after all. But to those who were mocked by other people to stop doing what they love, never listen to them. If you are not happy with the world, do something to make it happier. At least for yourself. 

Testing the waters

So im writing again via phone. Another evidence that i couldn’t contain my current standing in the game of life lol. Sometimes i feel guilty for sharing my blog to someone i know because they might accuse me of being a weakling or being ungrateful. I dont give a fuck anyways. This is my trash bin and it’s obviously metaphorical. I couldn’t write via laptop because our computer is in the living room, it feels uncomfortable writing something even if they dont look at what i am doing. That’s another reason why i couldn’t continue my next episode. 

Im just here to tackle about actions and consequences. You enter a situation, and you are aware of what’s gonna happen. There’s a bonus: that’s when you dont expect something which will happen. I usually predict things as i enter a new setting. So it happened. Job wants me to conform. And i dont want to. Lol. I havent googled the exact meaning of conformity. But i think im on the right track lol. I know the solution: try to conform even if it clashes with your principles. I have written this before. I was just reminded again because i didnt conform to them. Lol. Now another solution is: play pretend. And find something that im gonna think about to shun away the real issue. That’s what i did. Or that’s what i always do. Don’t get me wrong. I am very good, at least in what i do, except the sales shit. Now im thinking what’s it like if im gonna be a parent. Maybe i’ll conform to them just to feed little mouths. A perfect excuse for someone who needed escape, and a perfect example of hard work and inspiration for real parents. 

Im not being smug here. Actually i feel bad for not having the kind of thinking most people have. Conforming to society, going with the flow, not thinking of harming others or violating one’s principles. 

So this post is an evidence that there’s an event in my life (actually the whole blog) that i might just laugh about someday. So the solution i have thought is to see a clairvoyant. My actual reason is to TEST his ability. I predict the future too. I am very curious about his talents. If ever he says something bad or i dont like, well or he might not show up due to a certain incident, or we wont show up because something happened. I cant help but imagine things: everything that could possibly happen- this, my friend, i believe, is a Ne- dominant trait. Lol. But it kinda excites me. It’s something i look forward to— some reason to at least bear the stress my work is causing me. 

I am also thinking that my dream job is still away. But not as far as from ten years ago. Still, a small progress is still a progress. The thing is, im going to unravel the mystery of the clairvoyant with Rigel. Who happened to be interested in knowing the future. That’s why im also anxious about what will happen. I think we’re the same. To be together in one place is inevitable. We do things for a purpose. I dont think this is an excuse just to be with his company. I think he became a medium on extracting what i needed to know to fight in my own game of life. I mean a medium could be anyone. But it happened to be him. No emotions involved. Just plain purpose. I told you i dont let emotions win. It’s just a bonus i happen to be with someone whom im comfortable with. But i still find it strange. But if being with him has a price, i wouldn’t thank him (i did) but i shouldve thanked his purpose. Same with me. I had a purpose seeing him. I needed data for my ultimate dream. Imagine what would happen in the future. If i reached my ultimate dream, maybe he’s married then with kids. I don’t know. Still testing the waters like watching his every move for me to dismiss what i have concluded in my past posts. 

Exciting isn’t it? We’ll see what happens. 

Escape.

Obviously  i am writing this during working hours. All i can say is i’ve been distracted since birth? Lol. I mean i am aware on what i should do but i couldn’t find the time to do it. I had a seesaw of emotions since morning- from feeling great to feeling down and then back to feeling great again. Sounds silly, innit? But i was just affected with what a friend told me. Sorry to admit this but im still not done with Rigel. Good thing my bff’s busy. She would understand. Let me explain this to anyone or whoever scans this note. I write things because they are like a coin. Something with two sides: happy and unnecessary. Or unpleasant. 

I am sure my sentences aren’t constructed very well. So i am skipping to next paragraph. I am very much sure that in this case, i write to annihilate everything i felt for this person. I wouldnt deny that i was happy. Honestly, the happiest if someone would ask me, and to make it more accurate strangely happy. So the morning went well. Even though i was filled with questions the excitement and happiness had taken over my mood. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) until I Consulted this trusted friend who told me to stop. (I need not elaborate). Do not get me wrong. I may be emotional deep inside, but i never let my emotions win. There are times when i want to cry while listening to music like enjoying every bit of drama, but hey i feel alright afterwards. I couldnt even read the old posts about him because of embarrassment. And the fact that my feelings had gotten deeper. My friend had a point. I had to stop seeing him. But then later on the day i concluded that i just let things happen. I made a deal. And i might get into bouts of what-ifs or i wish’s but at the end of the day it will become crystal clear. 

Third paragraph. Obviously my mind is distorted right now. Im already home. My emotions are trying to take over my senses and i have to use logic to overcome them. I used logic just this afternoon. It didnt do me good. So the last resort would be faith. Lol. I guess ill just hold onto faith. 

Everything happens for a reason

Hello! I was supposed to write on my project today but i procrastinated lol. That’s fine because i still remember my idea— after church i got this idea of a new story. Something related to Rigel. Lol. This idea came up suddenly because i liked Rigel so much, i might be able to preserve the good times we had with a twist. You know nobody knows what’s gonna happen in the future— so if id written a story about us we could have a happy ending. At least in one of my stories. Sad, isnt it? Just like Annie Hall. I love that movie. But i still couldnt find the perfect introduction or first episode. My ideas are all scattered in my brain’s dimension. 

I went back to his empire yesterday. Of course i had reasons. When i was at home i thought my feelings were gone because i wasnt excited to go there. I went to his empire around five pm. And i played with the kids. I really had a good time with them. Being with the kids taught me something about myself. That im learning to be sociable? Lol. I dont know. I never let anyone invade my personal space— i used to hate kids. I hate a lot of people. I avoid people. But these kids changed me. Last month gave me the hint that hey, i could be a generous aunt. I loved them and thought about giving them gifts on Christmas. Well i never really give gifts on Christmas except for my family. Or compulsary gift giving. But during my days abroad even if my roommates gave me gifts i never reciprocated them. Lol. Because im one stingy old hag hahahahahahahaha. Anyways these kids made me realize that i have a heart. Lmao. And really my best friend’s family feels like my own. And yesterday was perfect. I also realized that my interests— well im also a kid at heart lol. Ive had plenty of experiences especially with all kinds of people. I have mingled with them to observe and validate my life long study about human behavior- to fully understand relationships. Because i admit that im not very good in dealing with people. I have my own world and it’s unusual if i enjoyed something outside it. I used to loathe reality. Because i never understood it. I am more focused in spirit, i also read and study a lot about life and its essence because frankly worldly acts dont appeal to me. Ive tried them but i just dont see its value. To me it’s pointless.

 I have viewed reality as a sickening place. People getting worse in creating more chaos. It all starts in one family. Because no parent is perfect and the passing of the usual norms and traditions (not all kinds of course) create impact on the younger people. And it’s up to one person how to act upon it. We have our own paths to take and based on  judgement or perception you create your character or defense mechanisms through life. As the title says everything happens for a reason- people who understood and learn from all kinds of pain would survive and pass it on the next generation. But again the chaos of reality is inevitable because not all people will fully understand its meaning. And as a man of reason, even though logic has a high chance of solving problems, we must not forget that we are not computers- we are all human and the greatest thing God has taught us is to love. 

I was supposed to be talking about Rigel lol but nah i just want to write down everything i can think of. I know i couldnt pass writing on ielts if i write like this lol. But my conclusion after these scattered thoughts i can do this! I can write my conclusion down: here it goes. The simple time i have spent with the kids is a fresh splash of reality: A good reminder that reality isn’t bad at all. It made me stronger and inspired me that my world shouldnt revolve around my fantasies. ( i have two kinds of fantasies- one that i know would never happen and the other one: theres something i could do about it lol) 

AND THIS KIND OF REALITY MADE A PORTAL MY OTHER KIND OF FANTASY. I cant believe theyre connected lol. It’s hard to explain it but i think i am on the right track. 

So God let me and Rigel communicate to remind me to pursue my dreams. And to enjoy life at the same time. 

The not so good part of this post is, okay i am trying to control my greatest skill, overthinking lol. Sis and mum have warned me not to do it in every situation. But for me i dont call it overthinking. It’s more of a preparation of reactions and feelings over a set of possibilities 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Okay overthinking isnt good actually. Because Rigel is leaving soon. Imagining him leaving everyday makes me sad but it’s one of my techniques to let out pieces of emotion so by the actual time he leaves i have ran out of feelings 😂😂😂😂😂😂. It’s kind of weird if WOUld still feel sad on the day he’d leave, because it’s for the better. I never cried when i parted ways with friends because i know they would be in a better place ( no, im not talking about heaven lololololololol) i meant better opportunities so im happy for them. But as for rigel i feel sad regarding the potential time. Because i think he’s the one i rarely one to spend my time with— other than family or close friends. Shit! I will surely miss him. What the fuck is this? Lol. Maybe because he’s into technology and he fuels my desire to pursue my goals. But man i admit i am quite confused. I have plenty of reasons why i like him. 
I dont wanna state all the details being with him because i wasnt focused on him when i was there. I just couldnt bear the thought- wait. I think i could manage without him. Lol. I have reasons why. But i admit life is better when i spend time with him. 

So much for this. I need to sleep. Lol

Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)

Okay, so yesterday i sent the link of this blog to my sister and bestest best friend. And i think it was a wrong move 😂. The thing about keeping this private makes me pour out my emotions and thoughts no matter how embarrassing they are. But i already sent the link to them and they have read some of my posts, so if you two have come across this post i apologize because you might not like the following content. Lol. I think this is the most embarrassing post to end the year. So here it goes. ( i hope to tackle my emotions correctly but since i am struggling to do it well, good luck to me.) 
Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)

Remember my old post regarding my so-called sun? Of course no one remembers, im just talking to my blog lol. That was the last time i felt  my emotions run deep, honestly i hoped for a chance to be with him even just as a friend. But i stayed away from him because i knew i had zero chance. I still think about him sometimes and dream of him occasionally. 

Now im really wondering where is my future love. I feel sorry for him/her/it because once again i have let down my guard and fell for something unexpected. Of course i like to romanticize feelings. And im not good in expressing my emotions but i will try my best to make them clear. I might seem exaggerated or shallow when i write but again, im telling you, expressing my thoughts using the right words is my greatest struggle. See? I already had a few paragraphs but i haven’t started about my topic yet lolololololololol. 

Prepare yourself for another crazy post. Whahahahahahahahahaha. Okay, about my so-called sun. He left because his part in my life is finished. (Sorry for the wrong grammar) and it is kind of strange that i encountered someone who reminded me of him. They have the same age, same profession and thank God different habits. Let’s give him a code name. Lol. Rigel. It’s actually one of my gadgets’ name. If im not mistaken Rigel is bigger and brighter than the sun. So does this mean he’s more far-fetched? Well i have known rigel since i was a teen-ager and since im already in my 50’s 😂😂😂😂😂😂 just kidding. When i saw him again i thought that he’s kind of cute. But just a random comment because he’d grown. And another thing is we randomly communicate because of well, my best friend knows the answer. Lol. And of course because of the matrix. Lolololololol. I dont want to state the actual reason, it’s just a code. Im just writing because i want this feeling to fade. So after several months i would just laugh about this post. Hahahahahahahaha. So there. So Rigel reminded me of something bigger than the sun, that is to focus on my true niche. But believe me, i dont fancy him when i decided to ask him a favor (my sister and bff knows this). It’s just a random action and something that’s essential — something i will need in the future. It’s hobby related, true-niche related because i have planned before that i have to do something regarding what i want in life. So i went to his empire and Rigel was in his boxers. Lol. I didnt care because i have known him for a long time and he was like family to me. God this is so embarrassing. Lol. He tried to do the task i requested and there was some error so i had to go back and return to his empire later on that day. Without malice or romantic inclination i viewed Rigel as someone with potential success in the future. Seeing him  felt like— if this man succeeds, id be able to breathe comfortably and just laugh at my mistakes in my younger years. That’s why i try to motivate him every chance encounter i get. So there. The task was done. While he was doing the task we talked about our interests, possibilities and the future of gaming industry. I couldnt believe myself at that time, that i openly discussed my dreams comfortably. Well we are on the same track but different branches so it’s still related. I was so relaxed and at that time i seemed to kind of enjoy every second i was there. No pretensions, just plain relaxed conversation. I didnt need to be cautious regarding my actions because i was damn comfortable. And he’s like a brother to me. It only felt awkward when he talked he looked at me while his sitting position is away from my direction. I am just allergic to anyone looking at me. Because i dont look at the person im talking to. I dont know lol. I admit im weird but i prefer staring blankly at something or looking at something in the background that moves. Like a pc cursor, wind sheild wipers, etc. So there. Before i went to Rigel’s empire i prayed for happiness btw, and when i got home it’s more than happiness. I realized that I liked him. Lolololololololol. LMAO. He’s cute, intelligent, sensitive, not absent minded, quick thinker and very kind. He’s also sweet. To clear things he doesn’t like me romantically. He’s just being him. He had no idea i like him. Of course! Lol. But because after this realization i might not want to see him again. One of the reasons why im still single. But nah, that’s fine. I used to be comfortable with him all the time. But this feeling kinda turned out to be an obsession and wishful thinking. Lmao! Obsession because im dying to see him. (Yet im not making any move the fact that i know where he lives) and wishful thinking- i wish my future love would be like him. Someone who looks like him and older than me. I wish he was another person- someone whom i have met at school or work, someone like my age. And the craziest part is i couldnt bear seeing him being with another girl. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Why am i so stupid hahahahahahahaha! He cant be mine of course. It’s like a forbidden jutsu. Im just wishing ill find someone like him whom im very comfortable with. And i dont know where is this fucking guy! Lol. I should be in a relationship by now, planning our wedding, buying a house, building our dreams? It’s not that i question God’s timing. I was just wondering why is it taking so long to meet whoever is for me, and why am i crushing on someone who is impossible? My sister said i was never serious, also my best friend. So i therefore conclude that this too shall pass. But all im wishing is when i meet that someone, let it be like my set up with Rigel: im not afraid to be myself. 

Funny he had no idea about what i feel. Of course i would die not telling him. My best friend would kill me. And he views me as a sister. Let it be. I just hope this would fade quikly. Because i think that wont be the last time well be seeing each other. I hope my feelings are gone the next time. Why does he have to be so cute? Lololololololololololololol. I dont know. I just suddenly felt it. I want him to succeed and become a good man. I just hope my feelings are gone by the time he gets into a relationship because if that happens tomorrow, id probably have a heart attack. Im serious. Now all i have to do is believe in my superpower- im easy to fall and easy to forget. So i hope this is not as real as it seems. I hope this is just another crush. 

After posting this i am going to read this to validate if i had expressed my feelings correctly lmao

sign of the times

First of all, i would like to thank God for the rain. It brings back the good memories of my childhood. The generic feeling of happiness. I always associated rain with happiness. i didn’t win an award or anything. It only makes  me want to blog about something a bit important. I am here not to over-analyze things or rant about myers-briggs and impending diagnosis. lol. It feels strange to type on my computer since i haven’t blogged in a while. today i’m going to discuss something relevant to pop culture, particularly music. lol.

my hiatus has been caused by depression. Yes, i was diagnosed legally by a shrink. that’s the time i was waiting for harry styles’ new single “sign of the times”. i used to be a jolly type of person with a lot in mind, but i didn’t try to entertain my thoughts about depression that was taking it’s toll on me. but deep inside, i didn’t wanna listen to Harry’s new single because i knew something was wrong with me. the feeling that i don’t want to associate a nice song with what i feel. i felt like the world had stopped. technically time won’t stop for you even if you are a strong believer of fate. because time is continuous. seconds fade and even if you don’t do anything, time flies. but for me it felt like i stopped working. i missed the daily chores as if no one would scold me why am i being so lazy. i got detached with reality. there was no hope and it seemed like i was waiting for my final hours to be devoured by an invisible black hole. i have surrendered to the darkness. there’s nothing to look forward to. Until i prayed and bingo, my family has decided for me to go and see a shrink. i am currently on medications and i must say it helps me a lot. i feel like im back on track. And i now listen freely to Sign of the times. but i have to admit it had a familiar feeling on getting by depression “we don’t talk enough”. feelings should not be kept, i guess. and emotional problems should be acknowledged to be solved. My bum state hasn’t been resolved. I must admit that i’m still confused on what to do– yet im getting by. i couldn’t help but self- diagnose myself that i have add. and i’m going to discuss this once i see my shrink again. i still have problems with focus. i am not forgetful like people with dementia. but i guess i’m gonna leave it here and wait for my next appointment.

The medications helped me to stay positive regardless of the turbulent times (family problems, joblessness, confusion) dear, it could also be a test of faith, but i can say now that when i pray i am very much focused. you know what’s the secret? Cigarettes. LOL. i have found out that when i smoke while I’m praying, with a glass of water beside me, my thoughts become sharp and i could literally confess and recite everything to God. Smoking has been a part of my life– i know for some it’s rubbish. but it’s something that i want to take advantage of, if i can’t quit by now, I’m gonna use it for productivity. Like now, i smoked and had coffee to clear my thoughts and to focus on what i want to write.

by the way, i am still INTP. not relevant but i think i am paying more attention on the feelings of others which im not really good at. just sayin’. hahahahahaha.

so what can i say to Harry Styles’ single? Well. he is really tazlented and his song reminds me of the old times: Pink floyd, oasis, black sabbath and my personal favourite song, Dessert moon. harry has a good speaking voice and a nice singing voice. But personally, sign of the times isn’t my cup of tea. I know it was good. but not something to be repeated over and over unlike ed sheeran’s shape of you. (i never had this song in my playlist. i just hear it a lot on the radio lol). But i’m happy for Harry and his new album. i have to admit i am old enough for one direction. but i appreciate them because they remind me of my days in the United Kingdom. the happy-go-lucky days, the nice weather and the expensive stores. haha.

what made me write really is Niall Horan’s single: Slow Hands. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. i just downloaded it and i couldn’t help but focus on the song. the first time i saw the title i knew it was gonna be good. and intuition-wise it gave me an idea that the song would become my ultimate favourites. and so i made my mum listen to three songs: sign of the times, slow hands and attention. she said all of them were good and she recognized Charlie Puth’s voice at the end. Funny because when i listen to Slow Hands i didn’t realize that my mum was talking to me. I always loved Niall’s singing voice and if i were in my teens, i would go for Niall during One D days. I like his part in their song Better than Words. And today, I am so happy i got inspired by his lovely song, Slow hands! The song is absolutely amazing!!!!!! it reminds me of Eric Clapton and John Mayer. it makes me wat to be ready for a new relationship. LOL. the song really makes me feel good. And i’m really thankful Niall created such a masterpiece.

and lastly, i am thankful for my newfound old friend who is INTP as well. she is authentically INTP with a tinge of J because she’s organized and precise. I just want to mention it because talking to her makes me feel good. between me and her i can say that she’s more of INTP. because sometimes i act like a bratty INFP lol. i am just thankful for her we kind of reconnected again. So i guess i’ll see you around. im going to update you about my next appointment.

at the moment i can’t help but fall in love with Niall’s mew single. it’s not bad to daydream a bit of having a relationship and playing slow hands as your theme song. LOL. Ciao!

p.s. i changed my password here. im getting there….. the unified password project lol.

why do i exist?

the last time i posted i was feeling down, and after i cleaned the house while thinking of the matter, i felt ok. lol. what a weirdo.i can’t imagine a world without internet. because everything you want to search is just one click away, it is a great opportunity for finding answers and sharing what you want to share. this is a good opportunity for your voice to be heard. i’m not talking about MAINSTREAM or popularity because some people are so blind and technically out of touch about the real problems of the world. My mbti fever has subsided. come to think of it, one test cannot really describe a person because each person is unique. some may be true but the insights provided cannot dictate or help you get along with the changing world. Just like astrology, you cannot define a person’s destiny by looking at the planetary alignment, even if you know your birth time. lol.

since i was a child i have this strange passion for discovering the mysterious. and today i just read the theory of relativity–for kids lol. Thank God for Einstein. and the other guy who wasn’t as famous as him. LOL. Since it’s difficult for me to EXPRESS WHAT I WANT TO SAY, i made them in caps so i won’t get lost when i forget another topic in my mind. and of course i will try to point out what i wanna say and it seems that i forgot it already. lemme drink a glass of water first. lol. okay im back. alright, while trying to remember the topic in my head i will just skip to write about my lack of focus and forgetfulness. Sometimes i wished i focused and got involved with mathematics and physics. or any other sciences. my first course’s science- related, and the second one math/ logic related. not bad. but what’s happening in our life– we must be aware that we cannot control some things. (like this phrase. it’s been said and written and published and has been put into quotes and shared on facebook) and sometimes we have these things and it makes us suffer. whether it’s a severe acne problem, big bone structure, getting molested when younger, disabilities, congenital sickness. whatever our problem is, it all boils down in our personal kettles. we suffer. that’s why we find comfort with people who have had them or currently has them. (i have a pizza faced friend whom i tease because of his acne– okay i wasnt being mean. he’s also mean to me lol. in this case i don’t say that people with acne is okay to hang out with acne-filled people. it will seem funny to others who sees them) pointless. lol. so what im trying to say is, at least if you can do something, try to find some ways which will help you cope with it better.people need people. in contrary to what i’ve been trying to say to myself. but that’s the truth. we were not born to live alone.

another thing is the struggle of finding what ticks you and you’ve gotten into troubles looking for it. or recognizing what you wanna do yet it feels it’s light years away from you.   Simple. don’t give up. (another words of encouragement we’ve always heard or read before) so, suppose i have found my true niche, which is my writing fantasy stories which, as of now, doesnt earn me money. even if im happy to write or read them alone, it still feels better when someone else reads it and comments on how great your work is! The problem with me is my laziness and my distracted personality. i sometimes tell myself, it’s alright, maybe im just one of the ordinary people who dream less, and be okay as long as we have a job, eat three times a day..

now i dont think im making sense of what i want to say. hahahahahahaha. okay the last paragraph, i want to say that i want to find an alternative way and disregard my fantasy story. lol. sometimes i really feel like i want to get into research about mental illness, and behavioral problems. i occasionally read articles printed by science and their findings seems cloudy to me. wtf? a loser writer commenting on the findings of researchers. im sorry, i want to help. but let the greater minds do their works as they please. hahahahahahaha.

 

now i think this blog seems like a draft to me. scattered. disorganized, whatever. my thoughts are chaotic, the world is chaotic. whatever ticks you, remember this life is a gift. i never wanted to be born, but here i am, blogging. maybe still skeptical about my purpose or true niche, but in case i am already there, there’s one thing that i must remember. (ive heard this all before) i must do things in love– to give back to the gift i have been given. and that’s being born. i maybe a jobless douche today but i shouldnt be stuck with what i am now. the important thing is, no matter who you are, you must make your existence meaningful. even on little things. it matters. at least, whatever you do, if it’s for the good of the world, it does help.  is this another excuse why i am or will never be successful in writing? lol. all i know for today, is im excited about the next chapter of my story.. and i have two readers, which is all good at the moment. lol