it’s okay to be a nobody before becoming somebody

this new UI is quite confusing it took me 5 mins to find the “write a new post” lol

So again I’m here because Im waiting for my phone to get fully charged. I tried to clean up the clutter from our small table and of course I failed lol. I was just amazed that I have a co-worker that have adhd. but the thing is, were the complete opposite. He’s the most competitive in our batch. I based his competitiveness on the stars of course because he’s a scorpio. Lol. Little did i know he has adhd and was diagnosed when he was just a kid. So there goes the judgement of the people. They find him weird and just wants to be at the top, on the top? Whatever lol. I was wondering if he could be hyperfocused and hyperproductive at work, then why cant i? meh, i might ask him how he does it maybe its on his star sign hahahahaha! There are really some people that wherever they are, they kinda excel in what they do. Because of their drive. So my plan tomorrow is to play pretend again. I hope i dont forget. I will pretend that im a scorpio and i will surpass everyone’s productivity tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHA! I hope i wont forget this! So this is also a memory test, and a mood test! I do remember things but when i dont feel like doing it i just let it go. Lol. And also i have an alarm at 12:45 am because my daughter has a fever and i need to give her paracetamol.

okay. Back to the title. This coworker of mine is somebody. And i am the nobody. He just reminded me of the ILLUSION (i call it snd capsed it– yes there is no such word as capsed. Capsed locked it! Lol) because it hasnt happened yet! That full potential! My dream job! I mean i dont know what my dream job is yet! Lol! So there goes the problem! How do you chase a dream when you dont even know what your dream is! Before writing on this blog, i prayed to God that if i cant be good or the best at anything, then help me become the best mother for my daughter. At last I prayed for something specific while looking at the white wall in our bedroom. I even asked for forgiveness (this is kinda super duper personal but i dont mind, nobody knows my real persona hahahaha) because when I pray, i forget that im praying, and i get lost my own thoughts.

although i havent said thank you to the people who treated me like normal and not neurodivergent, well bless them. But sometimes it’s frustrating- no most of the time. Even my partner doesnt understand what is on my mind. He doesnt research about adhd. Anyways discussing my lovelife here is difficult to translate in english lol. So i forgot and then suddenly remembered it!

when i was in london i had a penpal or email pal and i completely forgotten about him until i went back home. Funny thing is, i suddenly remembered him after 5 years and reviewed my old mail. Twas my fault i forgot to reply to his email lol. To some people its just random forgetfulness but i mean this person was remarkable! He’s cute, intelligent. I wonder how is he now! But i think i have forgotten my email that i used to email him lol.

i remembered of just getting tired about adhd people getting tagged as it’s not something to worry about. Like my sister who says Michael Jordan has adhd. Well i dony know mj personally and i havent researched about his struggles before becoming a nba player. All i know is all my life ive been struggling because even though that im smart, i always get left behind! So The question is, will i ever be good at anything, or incredibly great at something? Aside from washing the dishes lol. So im waiting for that “destiny is calling” because all lines are busy now! Lol. Will i become i great writer? Or an animator or should i come back as an app developer ( the course i paid and failed lol) well i have an appointment with my Dr on one of my day offs. I wont pressure myself on knowing what career would i really like to pursue because i still have lots of ideas to the point that i have no idea on those ideas! Hahahahahaha! But im serious about my prayers! Meanwhile i hope i remember my play pretend tomorrow! I just sometimes get that feeling that there is something missing! What about nursing? Well i loved working at the ER but i i guess er is just a phase. I love working at the hospital but the people/ management are so annoying! So working from home is kinda breath of fresh air.

so i hope if anyone who reads this and have the same mind as me, dont lose hope! Who knows because were good at getting lost, destiny might find us in the right place and the right time (because we got lost! Lol)

What do you do when you’re in love? Me: wait for it to fade.

I planned to write on my story yesterday and i had the time the whole day today yet i haven’t started anything. Nothing has changed. We had a discussion at home about the old problems, the root of all the problems which destroyed the potential progress in terms of financial matters. Misunderstandings occured and eventually i have cleared myself for saying something i didn’t mean. But the discussion caused me to realize something: No one saves you except yourself. The power should be within you, not from others. In contrast with how i understand the world: we were designed to lack something, so that someone else would fill the holes. Im talking about life in general. It’s what the deity wants. To help each other: to love one another. Well my realization isn’t off course (pardon for the wrong grammar) because i was talking about fulfilling your grand purpose. We may have different purposes or calling. I should say we need not to consult others on how you’re going to do it. Or we may consult others’ perspectives and if it doesnt align with how you want to do it, then drop it. 

My lifelong burden has been causing me too much trouble. If i would present all the lines i used in my previous blogs, it would represent a circle.  I would try my best to define my problems. I hope i could do it. I still think i have add. Ive got poor memory when it comes to important things. Maybe that’s the reason i am stagnated. 

Now i forgot everything. Lmao. Okay then i remembered:

1. Focus. I cannot focus on my ultimate goal. Adversity isn’t a factor to hinder your goals. It might cause delays, but perseverance is the greatest evidence that will shun the universe to give it to you. 

2. I trust myself too much i procrastinate. To describe this superpower of mine i declare that i have a vision. This vision contradicts the power to act upon what you see. It is considered as nothing. Because having a vision without doing anything is just a vision. To prove my vision, i told my best friend 18 years ago that i dont need to wish for cars because i know i will have one soon. 2016 i bought an old jeep. It’s not a car but at least i didn’t do anything about it. I mean didnt persevere for the sake of having a vehicle. Lol. 

3. I see the world as a cruel place, because of other people’s way of thinking. It is written in the bible that the world’s worldly actions will worsen as time goes by. Can we do something about it? Maybe no. But we can choose not to be involved at least. 

4. I trust myself too much i come up to conclusions which cannot be changed. This is related to number two. This is the negative vision lol. Sometimes consequences dont matter as long as i have predicted it. It gives me the sense of power that i knew something. Or avoid something never knowing what’s gonna really happen because of the negative vision. The results are probably (i used the word probably because im certain that it wont do me any good) missed opporunities. I didnt take paths which im fucking certain are meaningless but it could mean that im just a fucking coward trying to escape the real outcome. I remember the wuote from heisenberg that the path continues to move when we observe it: something like that. Of course it’s physics but i try to connect it with life. 

5. When i truly love something, i become silent. I dont do anything. I dont shout it to the world i keep it. Because of cowardice and numbers 1-4. I have this stupid conclusion if what’s gonna happen. It comes with overthinking. 

There’s more but im tired to think of them really. The worst enemy is your self. Of course it may not be applied to others, like soldiers. Lol. And my conclusion to this post is to do something about my goals. Even the cigarettes dont help at the moment. Again i might just be procrastinating, writing about things that are not really problems. It might cause me a lot of burden but not to the people around me. They have their own problems. 

Staying silent, as ive said. I was judging Rigel without his knowing. I miss him a lot. And it felt like im the only one doing things to communicate or be with him. Thinking that he’s fine without me makes me feel sad and motivated to move on. I dont know but i havent said it to anyone how i felt. I dont know if i love him. Maybe i do. The set up we have isnt enough to say the things i want to say. Dont get me wrong. I will never declare my feelings for him. It’s just random research on how his mind works. Being with him makes things easy. Reality-wise. Easier and happier. And i have concluded that this person would make my days better until i die. Funny because he knows nothing. Lol. Sometimes he gives the hints that he kinda understands me. But most of the time his words came from a practical approach. The tangible things, the real-world things. So currently he is my object of study. But im avoiding it. I guess im justifying that i was wrong about my happy ever after conclusion lol. If he’s ordinary (a typical turn off for me. ) then why do i still not change my mind about him. Him getting into a relationship would destroy me. But im not afraid. Or still am, but these things i entrust to the divine. Lol. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) feelings fade. And im just waiting for it, as the title says.

Escape.

Obviously  i am writing this during working hours. All i can say is i’ve been distracted since birth? Lol. I mean i am aware on what i should do but i couldn’t find the time to do it. I had a seesaw of emotions since morning- from feeling great to feeling down and then back to feeling great again. Sounds silly, innit? But i was just affected with what a friend told me. Sorry to admit this but im still not done with Rigel. Good thing my bff’s busy. She would understand. Let me explain this to anyone or whoever scans this note. I write things because they are like a coin. Something with two sides: happy and unnecessary. Or unpleasant. 

I am sure my sentences aren’t constructed very well. So i am skipping to next paragraph. I am very much sure that in this case, i write to annihilate everything i felt for this person. I wouldnt deny that i was happy. Honestly, the happiest if someone would ask me, and to make it more accurate strangely happy. So the morning went well. Even though i was filled with questions the excitement and happiness had taken over my mood. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) until I Consulted this trusted friend who told me to stop. (I need not elaborate). Do not get me wrong. I may be emotional deep inside, but i never let my emotions win. There are times when i want to cry while listening to music like enjoying every bit of drama, but hey i feel alright afterwards. I couldnt even read the old posts about him because of embarrassment. And the fact that my feelings had gotten deeper. My friend had a point. I had to stop seeing him. But then later on the day i concluded that i just let things happen. I made a deal. And i might get into bouts of what-ifs or i wish’s but at the end of the day it will become crystal clear. 

Third paragraph. Obviously my mind is distorted right now. Im already home. My emotions are trying to take over my senses and i have to use logic to overcome them. I used logic just this afternoon. It didnt do me good. So the last resort would be faith. Lol. I guess ill just hold onto faith. 

My most embarrassing feeling.

I was supposed to write something inspirational but i am emotionally fucked up. Lol. Since i don’t feel like talking to anyone today regarding what i feel, again im gonna leave my trash here. Lololololololol. So i have a couple of minutes to write and im hoping i could sleep before twelve midnight. 

So what happened? Nothing much. I left my phone at home but i brought my charger at work. Lol. I answered sudoku and read the newspaper dated yesterday. I looked at the atock market as if i had an investment lolololololol and answered a bit of the crossword puzzle. It wasn’t bad after all. 

I have also been watching Goblin, the korean drama series. But i guess it deserves another post. Maybe if i got it right, i mean my description of emotions towards the series. I could relate to the lead character and i dont know why. Maybe because he is living for almost a thousand years and i feel like Im 939 years old yet nothing has happened in my life lol. It’s not funny. Lololololololololol. 

Maybe im about to have my menstruation that’s why i feel alone and sad and angry with the people i know. The feeling that no one’s there for me when i needed someone to talk to 😂😂😂😂. I need to cut this crap because i look alright and it is not obvious that i need help. lol. Anyways why would you open up when they wont understand. I’ll just feel annoyed right? 

Okay and this one really affects me. Which one? Forgive me for my fucked up post. It just came to me while i was praying. I will try to enumerate them so i wont get confused. 
1. Rigel. He doesn’t like me. I mean it’s okay for him if he doesn’t see me. He doesn’t think about me. How did i know? I just know. I have got no time for self-pity or crappy insecurity feelings. But i quite understand the way how he feels or behaves. It’s logically correct. So i’m not mad at him or whatever. I value logic above all. I mean of course maybe second from faith. Lololololol. 

2. I feel so stupid for liking Rigel. 😂😂😂😂 it’s completely irrational. And you know when it’s not logical i tend to dismiss it. What’s the point? Lololololololol. I just hope my best friend wouldnt read this. She might laugh at me and tell me you have felt that so many times and it will soon pass. Well i agree.

3. I used to blame my future husband when things go wrong with my love life.  Lololololololol. It’s also illogical so i have dismissed it. Funny because whenever i  almost fall for someone i say to this non-existent being. It’s all your fault! Being non-existent is your sin that’s why im all fucked up. Lololololol. Stupid, isn’t it? 

4. I’m a coward. Wait, what? Yes. In terms of love. Why? Because love is an emotion. Sadly, i still couldn’t figure out this one. Even with friends. At least i admit it. I hate drama. Even if i do it occasionally in my blog posts, lmao! At least i dont bother someone. I just write them to feel better, right? But love, (as a feeling and not as a choice) is kind of complicated. Also the commitment thing. Because once you commited yourself to someone then it means you have to invest emotionally. You become possessive, etc. But im not joking when i say i could love someone from afar. (The unrequitted type lol) this one works better for me. But to others, being single and loving someone unconditionally is funny or dumb. And another thing i admit i sometimes feel embarrassed being single. Because to some it means no one is interested in me or something is wrong with me. No one bangs me, etc. Lolololololololololol. But that’s fine. They wouldnt understand why am i single.i have reasons and my reasons are not applicable to most people. 

So i would ask myself, what if Rigel is in his 30s, someone i met somewhere in college or in travel, and he likes me? Hell, no. If circumstances have changed it means that he might have been married to someone, or i might not notice him. Why? I dont know either. Lol. I am not very good  in explaining things especially when im in a crappy mood. I never wished Anything about him to change. And Rigel’s an evidence that God is really powerful and accurate in his timing. If we were born on the same year we wouldn’t meet. 
The bottomline of this rambling is he doesn’t like me. Or he likes me as a person like i like random people who are never involved in my personal life. Im writing these things so that someday ill just laugh about them. 😂😂😂😂. And it’s 12:23. 

And because what i felt during the times we were together are just one-sided. And the next sentence would be the most embarrassing words i would ever write. It’s so stupid i felt i want to spend the rest of my life with this person. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. See? I have never felt this with my past loves/ friends/ crushes. Even with my former crush. My totga. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Funny, isnt it? That’s why i wrote it. Because i want to prove that i was wrong.. or will be wrong soon. 
I just let my emotions drown me a bit every day i think of the day that he leaves. Whahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! He doesn’t even know i like him. Because i would never ever admit or show it or give hints. Because it’s pointless. 

Dont get me wrong! I am not in love with him. And if i were, im just waiting for it to fade. And if it doesn’t fade, well i dont know. I might write a novel about it. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Everything happens for a reason

Hello! I was supposed to write on my project today but i procrastinated lol. That’s fine because i still remember my idea— after church i got this idea of a new story. Something related to Rigel. Lol. This idea came up suddenly because i liked Rigel so much, i might be able to preserve the good times we had with a twist. You know nobody knows what’s gonna happen in the future— so if id written a story about us we could have a happy ending. At least in one of my stories. Sad, isnt it? Just like Annie Hall. I love that movie. But i still couldnt find the perfect introduction or first episode. My ideas are all scattered in my brain’s dimension. 

I went back to his empire yesterday. Of course i had reasons. When i was at home i thought my feelings were gone because i wasnt excited to go there. I went to his empire around five pm. And i played with the kids. I really had a good time with them. Being with the kids taught me something about myself. That im learning to be sociable? Lol. I dont know. I never let anyone invade my personal space— i used to hate kids. I hate a lot of people. I avoid people. But these kids changed me. Last month gave me the hint that hey, i could be a generous aunt. I loved them and thought about giving them gifts on Christmas. Well i never really give gifts on Christmas except for my family. Or compulsary gift giving. But during my days abroad even if my roommates gave me gifts i never reciprocated them. Lol. Because im one stingy old hag hahahahahahahaha. Anyways these kids made me realize that i have a heart. Lmao. And really my best friend’s family feels like my own. And yesterday was perfect. I also realized that my interests— well im also a kid at heart lol. Ive had plenty of experiences especially with all kinds of people. I have mingled with them to observe and validate my life long study about human behavior- to fully understand relationships. Because i admit that im not very good in dealing with people. I have my own world and it’s unusual if i enjoyed something outside it. I used to loathe reality. Because i never understood it. I am more focused in spirit, i also read and study a lot about life and its essence because frankly worldly acts dont appeal to me. Ive tried them but i just dont see its value. To me it’s pointless.

 I have viewed reality as a sickening place. People getting worse in creating more chaos. It all starts in one family. Because no parent is perfect and the passing of the usual norms and traditions (not all kinds of course) create impact on the younger people. And it’s up to one person how to act upon it. We have our own paths to take and based on  judgement or perception you create your character or defense mechanisms through life. As the title says everything happens for a reason- people who understood and learn from all kinds of pain would survive and pass it on the next generation. But again the chaos of reality is inevitable because not all people will fully understand its meaning. And as a man of reason, even though logic has a high chance of solving problems, we must not forget that we are not computers- we are all human and the greatest thing God has taught us is to love. 

I was supposed to be talking about Rigel lol but nah i just want to write down everything i can think of. I know i couldnt pass writing on ielts if i write like this lol. But my conclusion after these scattered thoughts i can do this! I can write my conclusion down: here it goes. The simple time i have spent with the kids is a fresh splash of reality: A good reminder that reality isn’t bad at all. It made me stronger and inspired me that my world shouldnt revolve around my fantasies. ( i have two kinds of fantasies- one that i know would never happen and the other one: theres something i could do about it lol) 

AND THIS KIND OF REALITY MADE A PORTAL MY OTHER KIND OF FANTASY. I cant believe theyre connected lol. It’s hard to explain it but i think i am on the right track. 

So God let me and Rigel communicate to remind me to pursue my dreams. And to enjoy life at the same time. 

The not so good part of this post is, okay i am trying to control my greatest skill, overthinking lol. Sis and mum have warned me not to do it in every situation. But for me i dont call it overthinking. It’s more of a preparation of reactions and feelings over a set of possibilities 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Okay overthinking isnt good actually. Because Rigel is leaving soon. Imagining him leaving everyday makes me sad but it’s one of my techniques to let out pieces of emotion so by the actual time he leaves i have ran out of feelings 😂😂😂😂😂😂. It’s kind of weird if WOUld still feel sad on the day he’d leave, because it’s for the better. I never cried when i parted ways with friends because i know they would be in a better place ( no, im not talking about heaven lololololololol) i meant better opportunities so im happy for them. But as for rigel i feel sad regarding the potential time. Because i think he’s the one i rarely one to spend my time with— other than family or close friends. Shit! I will surely miss him. What the fuck is this? Lol. Maybe because he’s into technology and he fuels my desire to pursue my goals. But man i admit i am quite confused. I have plenty of reasons why i like him. 
I dont wanna state all the details being with him because i wasnt focused on him when i was there. I just couldnt bear the thought- wait. I think i could manage without him. Lol. I have reasons why. But i admit life is better when i spend time with him. 

So much for this. I need to sleep. Lol

Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)

Okay, so yesterday i sent the link of this blog to my sister and bestest best friend. And i think it was a wrong move 😂. The thing about keeping this private makes me pour out my emotions and thoughts no matter how embarrassing they are. But i already sent the link to them and they have read some of my posts, so if you two have come across this post i apologize because you might not like the following content. Lol. I think this is the most embarrassing post to end the year. So here it goes. ( i hope to tackle my emotions correctly but since i am struggling to do it well, good luck to me.) 
Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)

Remember my old post regarding my so-called sun? Of course no one remembers, im just talking to my blog lol. That was the last time i felt  my emotions run deep, honestly i hoped for a chance to be with him even just as a friend. But i stayed away from him because i knew i had zero chance. I still think about him sometimes and dream of him occasionally. 

Now im really wondering where is my future love. I feel sorry for him/her/it because once again i have let down my guard and fell for something unexpected. Of course i like to romanticize feelings. And im not good in expressing my emotions but i will try my best to make them clear. I might seem exaggerated or shallow when i write but again, im telling you, expressing my thoughts using the right words is my greatest struggle. See? I already had a few paragraphs but i haven’t started about my topic yet lolololololololol. 

Prepare yourself for another crazy post. Whahahahahahahahahaha. Okay, about my so-called sun. He left because his part in my life is finished. (Sorry for the wrong grammar) and it is kind of strange that i encountered someone who reminded me of him. They have the same age, same profession and thank God different habits. Let’s give him a code name. Lol. Rigel. It’s actually one of my gadgets’ name. If im not mistaken Rigel is bigger and brighter than the sun. So does this mean he’s more far-fetched? Well i have known rigel since i was a teen-ager and since im already in my 50’s 😂😂😂😂😂😂 just kidding. When i saw him again i thought that he’s kind of cute. But just a random comment because he’d grown. And another thing is we randomly communicate because of well, my best friend knows the answer. Lol. And of course because of the matrix. Lolololololol. I dont want to state the actual reason, it’s just a code. Im just writing because i want this feeling to fade. So after several months i would just laugh about this post. Hahahahahahahaha. So there. So Rigel reminded me of something bigger than the sun, that is to focus on my true niche. But believe me, i dont fancy him when i decided to ask him a favor (my sister and bff knows this). It’s just a random action and something that’s essential — something i will need in the future. It’s hobby related, true-niche related because i have planned before that i have to do something regarding what i want in life. So i went to his empire and Rigel was in his boxers. Lol. I didnt care because i have known him for a long time and he was like family to me. God this is so embarrassing. Lol. He tried to do the task i requested and there was some error so i had to go back and return to his empire later on that day. Without malice or romantic inclination i viewed Rigel as someone with potential success in the future. Seeing him  felt like— if this man succeeds, id be able to breathe comfortably and just laugh at my mistakes in my younger years. That’s why i try to motivate him every chance encounter i get. So there. The task was done. While he was doing the task we talked about our interests, possibilities and the future of gaming industry. I couldnt believe myself at that time, that i openly discussed my dreams comfortably. Well we are on the same track but different branches so it’s still related. I was so relaxed and at that time i seemed to kind of enjoy every second i was there. No pretensions, just plain relaxed conversation. I didnt need to be cautious regarding my actions because i was damn comfortable. And he’s like a brother to me. It only felt awkward when he talked he looked at me while his sitting position is away from my direction. I am just allergic to anyone looking at me. Because i dont look at the person im talking to. I dont know lol. I admit im weird but i prefer staring blankly at something or looking at something in the background that moves. Like a pc cursor, wind sheild wipers, etc. So there. Before i went to Rigel’s empire i prayed for happiness btw, and when i got home it’s more than happiness. I realized that I liked him. Lolololololololol. LMAO. He’s cute, intelligent, sensitive, not absent minded, quick thinker and very kind. He’s also sweet. To clear things he doesn’t like me romantically. He’s just being him. He had no idea i like him. Of course! Lol. But because after this realization i might not want to see him again. One of the reasons why im still single. But nah, that’s fine. I used to be comfortable with him all the time. But this feeling kinda turned out to be an obsession and wishful thinking. Lmao! Obsession because im dying to see him. (Yet im not making any move the fact that i know where he lives) and wishful thinking- i wish my future love would be like him. Someone who looks like him and older than me. I wish he was another person- someone whom i have met at school or work, someone like my age. And the craziest part is i couldnt bear seeing him being with another girl. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Why am i so stupid hahahahahahahaha! He cant be mine of course. It’s like a forbidden jutsu. Im just wishing ill find someone like him whom im very comfortable with. And i dont know where is this fucking guy! Lol. I should be in a relationship by now, planning our wedding, buying a house, building our dreams? It’s not that i question God’s timing. I was just wondering why is it taking so long to meet whoever is for me, and why am i crushing on someone who is impossible? My sister said i was never serious, also my best friend. So i therefore conclude that this too shall pass. But all im wishing is when i meet that someone, let it be like my set up with Rigel: im not afraid to be myself. 

Funny he had no idea about what i feel. Of course i would die not telling him. My best friend would kill me. And he views me as a sister. Let it be. I just hope this would fade quikly. Because i think that wont be the last time well be seeing each other. I hope my feelings are gone the next time. Why does he have to be so cute? Lololololololololololololol. I dont know. I just suddenly felt it. I want him to succeed and become a good man. I just hope my feelings are gone by the time he gets into a relationship because if that happens tomorrow, id probably have a heart attack. Im serious. Now all i have to do is believe in my superpower- im easy to fall and easy to forget. So i hope this is not as real as it seems. I hope this is just another crush. 

After posting this i am going to read this to validate if i had expressed my feelings correctly lmao

Something

Again. Sorry for the wrong grammar. Lol. While i was typing the title of this blog i noticed that i shook my head. (Or is it was shaking my head) okay i already apologized for the grammatical errors of this post so please do continue and dont give a fuck. Lol. The reason i shook my head because this happened before. Many times. I couldn’t sleep because something’s bugging me. In my previous blogs i blamed it on caffeine. And yes, i had plenty of caffeine today. Lol. And i was supposed to edit my resume. I did edit my resume. I tried to put some art and then noticed the time 11:oo pm so i decided to sleep. Lol. Before that i had a battle. (Positivity versus negativity) in my mind. Lol. The funny thing is positivity won, so i didnt bother to edit my resume. (Tomorrow is a new day! Hurrah!) lol. But because i had caffeine overload i couldn’t sleep. If i had edited my resume it shouldve been ready for printing tomorrow. Lol. What a rubbish post. Hahahahahahaha! I dont know. If people like me. Will succeed. Hahahahaha. Crap! But if you will think about it, for example, you have a big exam on a certain subject, you didnt review because you didnt feel like doing it. And the next day your professor’s sick. So, no exam. Lol. I am not rationalizing my laziness. I think it’s just funny. Maybe ill get by with this attitude but no distinction in terms of success.  I am not against hard work. In fact i am surprised that i involuntarily worked hard in some phases of my life. (Whatever you call it! ) well i think this post is pointless for some. But meaningful for me. Meaningful because this is my outlet. After this post i will be fine and soon be in good working condition. I guess in life there’s plenty of stress. Stress that leads to overthinking then paranoia. If i were an HR i would never hire the author of this blog. Hahahahhahahaha! Because it seems that the writer is unfit for the job! How come there were employees that i know who passed the exam,etc but were unfit for the job? Dumb HR. I guess. Lol. Or palakasan. Oh dear. I think i shouldnt be too harsh on myself but sometimes i do this or a lot because i am fucking procrastinating all the time! Hahahahaha! I dont always work hard but when i do, i work til i lose my senses. Nice nice! Have you ever had enough time you had taken all the personality tests on google search’s pages 1-3 and still remember the questions? Yes! Lol. Name all the mbti/jung typology websites. Been taking them since i learned how to use the internet. Result? Intp. Always. They say that einstein’s an INTP. He’s my idol. And the only similarity that we have is we dont know/ want to drive. Lol. I havent tried it though. Anyways let me define my personal mbti result. Intp. Introspective Negative Thinking(over)Paranoid. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Perfect! Mind you, this is only an outlet. I call this therapy. Writing clears my mind. When the world has taken its toll on me(at least in my imagination) i write. At least i do not whine about love life! At this moment i remembered my crush. I call him mr sunshine! Because there are plenty of stars in the universe. Bigger, brighter, bolder, yet the sun is the only star that shines over the earth. Giving life! Wow! But he shouldnt be mr sunshine. Because the sun is in the perfect position. So it means he will never be mine lol. Or im not the earth. Im pluto. Hahahahahaha. I think im talking like crazy. I just remembered his face and i suddenly talked about the solar system. Well even i dont earn money from writing, i still consider myself as a writer. A writer is someone who creates something awful into something beautiful. Wait, isnt it called recycling? Lol. No thats garbage to something useful. But theyre kinda similar. And a writer exaggerates things. Like for example you read ” the sheets that hugged them produced heat… Sorry it sounds like sciencey. Lol. What i mean is authors can make sex like an art or something beautiful but the actual physical thing is it’s not. Its more of a funny and a little disgusting kind of thing. Hahahahaha! Well because writers focus on the beauty/ feeling rather than the bad things or unnecessary things. Okay enough of this shit. So it’s 1:20 am and how am i supposed to get up early and edit my resume? Lol. We’ll see! Hahahahaha

You need to write….

Ive been repeating adele’s all i ask. I never intended to write but i guess this is my only outlet to feel better. I have been busy since i started school. And just looking at my saved sites i feel more stressed. Gui, oop, lol. What urged me to write? Well. First of all, thank heavens no one knows this blog. As bad as it may sound, i have to cope with people i don’t like. Yep. No, they didn’t Harm me. Its just (no apostrophes because its late and im dead tired) i dont like them. I tried to appreciate their good side but the feeling is just awkward. I can’t pretend and mask my annoyance in front of the people i dont like. You know the juciest part of my story? Well, i sort of like someone desperately. Yes, i know when i write something i want to happen– it will never happen. I dont know. Well maybe because i already gave up. Okay. So i tried every possible way to be  with that person, and i did without being too obvious. But his circle, well…. Theyre The people who annoy me. 😂😂😂. Very funny. Well i guess its better to forget all about it.  Maybe the passion i felt for him wasnt enough so i decided to back out. Well honestly there are other options. But my pride said, why not focus on the things you like alone. You dont need to compete, nor pretend. Yet at the back of mind it sounds quite challenging. I already weighed the consequences though. I dont wanna be separated with my lovely friends. Spending time with him will lessen my good times with friends. It would also cost me money. Aaand time. I live far from their location. I feel strange because their concept- is what i have been daydreaming these past few weeks. So i guess ill just have to work alone. Focus on my stories. Play videogames. ALONE. Imagine the stress it caused me? Lots of caffeine and nicotine. So i just have to accept that this plan wouldnt work. And move on. I feel embarrassed. I think God just shook his head again and said, my dear daughter. Youre still inconsistent. Lol. So i guess i will leave it up to him. Anyways theres still one thing im consistent about. My projects. Lol. My videogame/ animation. I just have to be careful about the outside stimuli. I better check if theyre an inspiration or distraction. I feel like im just a high school student. Lol. Well lets see tomorrow. Im not sure if i would write an update. I just hope i dont act… Oops. Satan is waiting. Sorry satan. You wont win this time. Lol. Its now 12:03. Lol. If i didnt wake up early i wont go to school. Btw im not sure if id pass my subjects. Oh dear. Im still the person i knew ten years ago. Whahahahahahahahaahah.