Everything happens for a reason

Hello! I was supposed to write on my project today but i procrastinated lol. That’s fine because i still remember my idea— after church i got this idea of a new story. Something related to Rigel. Lol. This idea came up suddenly because i liked Rigel so much, i might be able to preserve the good times we had with a twist. You know nobody knows what’s gonna happen in the future— so if id written a story about us we could have a happy ending. At least in one of my stories. Sad, isnt it? Just like Annie Hall. I love that movie. But i still couldnt find the perfect introduction or first episode. My ideas are all scattered in my brain’s dimension. 

I went back to his empire yesterday. Of course i had reasons. When i was at home i thought my feelings were gone because i wasnt excited to go there. I went to his empire around five pm. And i played with the kids. I really had a good time with them. Being with the kids taught me something about myself. That im learning to be sociable? Lol. I dont know. I never let anyone invade my personal space— i used to hate kids. I hate a lot of people. I avoid people. But these kids changed me. Last month gave me the hint that hey, i could be a generous aunt. I loved them and thought about giving them gifts on Christmas. Well i never really give gifts on Christmas except for my family. Or compulsary gift giving. But during my days abroad even if my roommates gave me gifts i never reciprocated them. Lol. Because im one stingy old hag hahahahahahahaha. Anyways these kids made me realize that i have a heart. Lmao. And really my best friend’s family feels like my own. And yesterday was perfect. I also realized that my interests— well im also a kid at heart lol. Ive had plenty of experiences especially with all kinds of people. I have mingled with them to observe and validate my life long study about human behavior- to fully understand relationships. Because i admit that im not very good in dealing with people. I have my own world and it’s unusual if i enjoyed something outside it. I used to loathe reality. Because i never understood it. I am more focused in spirit, i also read and study a lot about life and its essence because frankly worldly acts dont appeal to me. Ive tried them but i just dont see its value. To me it’s pointless.

 I have viewed reality as a sickening place. People getting worse in creating more chaos. It all starts in one family. Because no parent is perfect and the passing of the usual norms and traditions (not all kinds of course) create impact on the younger people. And it’s up to one person how to act upon it. We have our own paths to take and based on  judgement or perception you create your character or defense mechanisms through life. As the title says everything happens for a reason- people who understood and learn from all kinds of pain would survive and pass it on the next generation. But again the chaos of reality is inevitable because not all people will fully understand its meaning. And as a man of reason, even though logic has a high chance of solving problems, we must not forget that we are not computers- we are all human and the greatest thing God has taught us is to love. 

I was supposed to be talking about Rigel lol but nah i just want to write down everything i can think of. I know i couldnt pass writing on ielts if i write like this lol. But my conclusion after these scattered thoughts i can do this! I can write my conclusion down: here it goes. The simple time i have spent with the kids is a fresh splash of reality: A good reminder that reality isn’t bad at all. It made me stronger and inspired me that my world shouldnt revolve around my fantasies. ( i have two kinds of fantasies- one that i know would never happen and the other one: theres something i could do about it lol) 

AND THIS KIND OF REALITY MADE A PORTAL MY OTHER KIND OF FANTASY. I cant believe theyre connected lol. It’s hard to explain it but i think i am on the right track. 

So God let me and Rigel communicate to remind me to pursue my dreams. And to enjoy life at the same time. 

The not so good part of this post is, okay i am trying to control my greatest skill, overthinking lol. Sis and mum have warned me not to do it in every situation. But for me i dont call it overthinking. It’s more of a preparation of reactions and feelings over a set of possibilities 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Okay overthinking isnt good actually. Because Rigel is leaving soon. Imagining him leaving everyday makes me sad but it’s one of my techniques to let out pieces of emotion so by the actual time he leaves i have ran out of feelings 😂😂😂😂😂😂. It’s kind of weird if WOUld still feel sad on the day he’d leave, because it’s for the better. I never cried when i parted ways with friends because i know they would be in a better place ( no, im not talking about heaven lololololololol) i meant better opportunities so im happy for them. But as for rigel i feel sad regarding the potential time. Because i think he’s the one i rarely one to spend my time with— other than family or close friends. Shit! I will surely miss him. What the fuck is this? Lol. Maybe because he’s into technology and he fuels my desire to pursue my goals. But man i admit i am quite confused. I have plenty of reasons why i like him. 
I dont wanna state all the details being with him because i wasnt focused on him when i was there. I just couldnt bear the thought- wait. I think i could manage without him. Lol. I have reasons why. But i admit life is better when i spend time with him. 

So much for this. I need to sleep. Lol

the universe hates you. deal with it. – Seamus Harper

nope, i haven’t read the world according to seamus harper. i dont have a single idea whether it’s a book or a series. lol. the quote just got into me. i have known that quote for a few years and that’s what i’m feeling. i applied for an online job as a content writer. and i dismissed my application. why? because they are asking me about my skills as a writer and i couldn’t even present my website full of loser posts. have you ever felt being born at the wrong time? if someone wants their body parts change thru surgery, well i guess i want to change my date of birth because i sometimes feel that i should have been born in the time of Noah. lol. okay, it all ends with a question of faith. where is my faith. it’s here. with me. never giving up when everyone has turned their back against you. in times you feel incompetent and useless. non-functional and dumb. i kind of understand drug addicts and terrorists, because they feel the world is a hopeless place they either destroy the world, or themselves. hey, im not an addict or a terrorist. lol. i dont even know how to make bombs. i haven’t even touched a gun. the only thing i have is my faith and my mind.–which i dont want to lose. lol. i guess i would just do my daily chores to be at least productive. is love the answer? maybe yes. love for family. so i guess i wouldn’t be picky with a job. i dunno. i don’t want anything. i suggest my followers to unfollow me. because this blog is full of hopelessness and self-loathing. lol. next time i’ll post something beautiful. i dont need self help books. i just need to think this over. i am an artist and i dont have a muse. lololololololol. a part of me says that i need to join the group of practical people and live in the ugly reality. i hate what the world has become. do i have the capability to change it? i need to change myself first. but i have no idea about the first step. i’m losing interest with what i see.