it’s okay to be a nobody before becoming somebody

this new UI is quite confusing it took me 5 mins to find the “write a new post” lol

So again I’m here because Im waiting for my phone to get fully charged. I tried to clean up the clutter from our small table and of course I failed lol. I was just amazed that I have a co-worker that have adhd. but the thing is, were the complete opposite. He’s the most competitive in our batch. I based his competitiveness on the stars of course because he’s a scorpio. Lol. Little did i know he has adhd and was diagnosed when he was just a kid. So there goes the judgement of the people. They find him weird and just wants to be at the top, on the top? Whatever lol. I was wondering if he could be hyperfocused and hyperproductive at work, then why cant i? meh, i might ask him how he does it maybe its on his star sign hahahahaha! There are really some people that wherever they are, they kinda excel in what they do. Because of their drive. So my plan tomorrow is to play pretend again. I hope i dont forget. I will pretend that im a scorpio and i will surpass everyone’s productivity tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHA! I hope i wont forget this! So this is also a memory test, and a mood test! I do remember things but when i dont feel like doing it i just let it go. Lol. And also i have an alarm at 12:45 am because my daughter has a fever and i need to give her paracetamol.

okay. Back to the title. This coworker of mine is somebody. And i am the nobody. He just reminded me of the ILLUSION (i call it snd capsed it– yes there is no such word as capsed. Capsed locked it! Lol) because it hasnt happened yet! That full potential! My dream job! I mean i dont know what my dream job is yet! Lol! So there goes the problem! How do you chase a dream when you dont even know what your dream is! Before writing on this blog, i prayed to God that if i cant be good or the best at anything, then help me become the best mother for my daughter. At last I prayed for something specific while looking at the white wall in our bedroom. I even asked for forgiveness (this is kinda super duper personal but i dont mind, nobody knows my real persona hahahaha) because when I pray, i forget that im praying, and i get lost my own thoughts.

although i havent said thank you to the people who treated me like normal and not neurodivergent, well bless them. But sometimes it’s frustrating- no most of the time. Even my partner doesnt understand what is on my mind. He doesnt research about adhd. Anyways discussing my lovelife here is difficult to translate in english lol. So i forgot and then suddenly remembered it!

when i was in london i had a penpal or email pal and i completely forgotten about him until i went back home. Funny thing is, i suddenly remembered him after 5 years and reviewed my old mail. Twas my fault i forgot to reply to his email lol. To some people its just random forgetfulness but i mean this person was remarkable! He’s cute, intelligent. I wonder how is he now! But i think i have forgotten my email that i used to email him lol.

i remembered of just getting tired about adhd people getting tagged as it’s not something to worry about. Like my sister who says Michael Jordan has adhd. Well i dony know mj personally and i havent researched about his struggles before becoming a nba player. All i know is all my life ive been struggling because even though that im smart, i always get left behind! So The question is, will i ever be good at anything, or incredibly great at something? Aside from washing the dishes lol. So im waiting for that “destiny is calling” because all lines are busy now! Lol. Will i become i great writer? Or an animator or should i come back as an app developer ( the course i paid and failed lol) well i have an appointment with my Dr on one of my day offs. I wont pressure myself on knowing what career would i really like to pursue because i still have lots of ideas to the point that i have no idea on those ideas! Hahahahahaha! But im serious about my prayers! Meanwhile i hope i remember my play pretend tomorrow! I just sometimes get that feeling that there is something missing! What about nursing? Well i loved working at the ER but i i guess er is just a phase. I love working at the hospital but the people/ management are so annoying! So working from home is kinda breath of fresh air.

so i hope if anyone who reads this and have the same mind as me, dont lose hope! Who knows because were good at getting lost, destiny might find us in the right place and the right time (because we got lost! Lol)

The law of distraction.

This is the second part of the diary of a undiagnosed ADHD

There is so many things running in my head since morning and I felt that strange bolt of energy within. In most cases I compare the energy with lust. The lust for doing something which involves creativity such as writing, drawing or anything that has to do with art.

This is a quick post though, because I committed a videocall with friends at 3 pm. And i’ve got to wash my dog and give him medications too. I also have to take a bath after bathing my dog. And i have to do these in less than an hour. SOUNDS GREAT isn’t it?

I remembered that I work best under pressure. The mild form of anxiety gives me focus on what I do. And contrary to the title, these distractions would be very helpful in finishing my tasks. I already talked to a shrink regarding my mental health issues. And found out that I dont have any forms of depression nor bipolar disorder. I also submitted a copy of my Asrs test. Whatever you call it.

This morning i applied for a job, followed up my last pay in my previous work and helped a little in preparing our lunch. So i didnt review for my test today. Because my key words are money and job.

My shrink also adviced me to write down what I want to do. And think about it because I tend to do things with impulse. So it’s 2:26 and I had to pause writing. I purposely delay finishing my blog post because I want to write clearly about what I want to talk about.

2:56 P.M. I am not used to documenting what I do in details but because it has a purpose, it wouldn’t hurt that much lol. I have read an article on totally add and got into the hype. As well as my shrink said, i dont have to conform to what other people do when they review. I like games. Especially videogames. So why not turn something boring into something fun. More of like challenging yourself in doing a simple task. Of course there are distractions ahead and the challenge is do not let the distractions distract you. While i was bathing my pet, since i had to leave the medicated shampoo for ten minutes and got the chance to buy some cigarettes and a chocolate biscuit I kinda missed eating. The rule is, if ten minutes doing nothings bores you, then you can do something else by minding the time.

I am not usually like this. But i was just motivated because of the strange energy bolt i am feeling. I tend to delay things especially when it’s important. But right now I am just rewiring my brain by doing something just like when I am playing videogames. AND the relief that I am normal helped too. I am just taking advantage of the energy I have got.

Most tasks for me are quite boring. So the key is to make things interesting. Whether shallow or deep. Like having a job, is kinda boring for me. So what I think about is another keyword. LAPTOP. having a laptop is having power. Power to get another job, and with the right specs I could start doing what I love or what I might love in the long run. If i get a job then I could buy a laptop. And install games or theme maker– taking advantage of technology with a high speed internet lol. How I wish today was like everyday!

I would also like to focus on writing clearly. It takes time but by practising a lot who knows I might write soon a straight to the point article or post. Lol.

Another tip to myself is challenging myself with another game. This sounds creepy but I like to pretend that I will die in 5 years and I have to be rich before I die. lol. I act with impulse So I added a little pressure. (Because i didnt say i will die tomorrow lol). Of course theres this system in my head (sorry I havent written it down. But I am relying with keywords which I recite to remember.

To earn money is first to have a job. And I also had to test myself by applying what I have read in an online class about money management. It’s tough though. But I am in a roleplaying game. I pretend that I want to become rich. And since I love playing games I am in! LOL. sounds crazy but it is more appealing than the reality that I am close to midlife crisis and still havent got a property lol.

We have different strategies in approaching life’s struggles so I am not saying my strategies will apply to all, maybe for some as silly as me. If it doesn’t work then Ill have to find another strategy– which I consider another game. Of course I have to reward myself for the good outcome. And in order to to that I have tl remind myself of the key word: job. lol

P.s. my videocall conference has been moved to 4:30. So i have plenty of time to prepare! And i even finished a post! So congratulations to me!

And the title says distraction. Well life is full of distractions. I admit i forgot something I wish to mention. Because as I write I am kind of distracted myself. But this distraction is also a form of review. Remember that distractions are related to functions, you just have to keep your mind open and continue your exploration. I dont know who said that. Maybe it was me! 😆

What do you do when you’re in love? Me: wait for it to fade.

I planned to write on my story yesterday and i had the time the whole day today yet i haven’t started anything. Nothing has changed. We had a discussion at home about the old problems, the root of all the problems which destroyed the potential progress in terms of financial matters. Misunderstandings occured and eventually i have cleared myself for saying something i didn’t mean. But the discussion caused me to realize something: No one saves you except yourself. The power should be within you, not from others. In contrast with how i understand the world: we were designed to lack something, so that someone else would fill the holes. Im talking about life in general. It’s what the deity wants. To help each other: to love one another. Well my realization isn’t off course (pardon for the wrong grammar) because i was talking about fulfilling your grand purpose. We may have different purposes or calling. I should say we need not to consult others on how you’re going to do it. Or we may consult others’ perspectives and if it doesnt align with how you want to do it, then drop it. 

My lifelong burden has been causing me too much trouble. If i would present all the lines i used in my previous blogs, it would represent a circle.  I would try my best to define my problems. I hope i could do it. I still think i have add. Ive got poor memory when it comes to important things. Maybe that’s the reason i am stagnated. 

Now i forgot everything. Lmao. Okay then i remembered:

1. Focus. I cannot focus on my ultimate goal. Adversity isn’t a factor to hinder your goals. It might cause delays, but perseverance is the greatest evidence that will shun the universe to give it to you. 

2. I trust myself too much i procrastinate. To describe this superpower of mine i declare that i have a vision. This vision contradicts the power to act upon what you see. It is considered as nothing. Because having a vision without doing anything is just a vision. To prove my vision, i told my best friend 18 years ago that i dont need to wish for cars because i know i will have one soon. 2016 i bought an old jeep. It’s not a car but at least i didn’t do anything about it. I mean didnt persevere for the sake of having a vehicle. Lol. 

3. I see the world as a cruel place, because of other people’s way of thinking. It is written in the bible that the world’s worldly actions will worsen as time goes by. Can we do something about it? Maybe no. But we can choose not to be involved at least. 

4. I trust myself too much i come up to conclusions which cannot be changed. This is related to number two. This is the negative vision lol. Sometimes consequences dont matter as long as i have predicted it. It gives me the sense of power that i knew something. Or avoid something never knowing what’s gonna really happen because of the negative vision. The results are probably (i used the word probably because im certain that it wont do me any good) missed opporunities. I didnt take paths which im fucking certain are meaningless but it could mean that im just a fucking coward trying to escape the real outcome. I remember the wuote from heisenberg that the path continues to move when we observe it: something like that. Of course it’s physics but i try to connect it with life. 

5. When i truly love something, i become silent. I dont do anything. I dont shout it to the world i keep it. Because of cowardice and numbers 1-4. I have this stupid conclusion if what’s gonna happen. It comes with overthinking. 

There’s more but im tired to think of them really. The worst enemy is your self. Of course it may not be applied to others, like soldiers. Lol. And my conclusion to this post is to do something about my goals. Even the cigarettes dont help at the moment. Again i might just be procrastinating, writing about things that are not really problems. It might cause me a lot of burden but not to the people around me. They have their own problems. 

Staying silent, as ive said. I was judging Rigel without his knowing. I miss him a lot. And it felt like im the only one doing things to communicate or be with him. Thinking that he’s fine without me makes me feel sad and motivated to move on. I dont know but i havent said it to anyone how i felt. I dont know if i love him. Maybe i do. The set up we have isnt enough to say the things i want to say. Dont get me wrong. I will never declare my feelings for him. It’s just random research on how his mind works. Being with him makes things easy. Reality-wise. Easier and happier. And i have concluded that this person would make my days better until i die. Funny because he knows nothing. Lol. Sometimes he gives the hints that he kinda understands me. But most of the time his words came from a practical approach. The tangible things, the real-world things. So currently he is my object of study. But im avoiding it. I guess im justifying that i was wrong about my happy ever after conclusion lol. If he’s ordinary (a typical turn off for me. ) then why do i still not change my mind about him. Him getting into a relationship would destroy me. But im not afraid. Or still am, but these things i entrust to the divine. Lol. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) feelings fade. And im just waiting for it, as the title says.

sign of the times

First of all, i would like to thank God for the rain. It brings back the good memories of my childhood. The generic feeling of happiness. I always associated rain with happiness. i didn’t win an award or anything. It only makes  me want to blog about something a bit important. I am here not to over-analyze things or rant about myers-briggs and impending diagnosis. lol. It feels strange to type on my computer since i haven’t blogged in a while. today i’m going to discuss something relevant to pop culture, particularly music. lol.

my hiatus has been caused by depression. Yes, i was diagnosed legally by a shrink. that’s the time i was waiting for harry styles’ new single “sign of the times”. i used to be a jolly type of person with a lot in mind, but i didn’t try to entertain my thoughts about depression that was taking it’s toll on me. but deep inside, i didn’t wanna listen to Harry’s new single because i knew something was wrong with me. the feeling that i don’t want to associate a nice song with what i feel. i felt like the world had stopped. technically time won’t stop for you even if you are a strong believer of fate. because time is continuous. seconds fade and even if you don’t do anything, time flies. but for me it felt like i stopped working. i missed the daily chores as if no one would scold me why am i being so lazy. i got detached with reality. there was no hope and it seemed like i was waiting for my final hours to be devoured by an invisible black hole. i have surrendered to the darkness. there’s nothing to look forward to. Until i prayed and bingo, my family has decided for me to go and see a shrink. i am currently on medications and i must say it helps me a lot. i feel like im back on track. And i now listen freely to Sign of the times. but i have to admit it had a familiar feeling on getting by depression “we don’t talk enough”. feelings should not be kept, i guess. and emotional problems should be acknowledged to be solved. My bum state hasn’t been resolved. I must admit that i’m still confused on what to do– yet im getting by. i couldn’t help but self- diagnose myself that i have add. and i’m going to discuss this once i see my shrink again. i still have problems with focus. i am not forgetful like people with dementia. but i guess i’m gonna leave it here and wait for my next appointment.

The medications helped me to stay positive regardless of the turbulent times (family problems, joblessness, confusion) dear, it could also be a test of faith, but i can say now that when i pray i am very much focused. you know what’s the secret? Cigarettes. LOL. i have found out that when i smoke while I’m praying, with a glass of water beside me, my thoughts become sharp and i could literally confess and recite everything to God. Smoking has been a part of my life– i know for some it’s rubbish. but it’s something that i want to take advantage of, if i can’t quit by now, I’m gonna use it for productivity. Like now, i smoked and had coffee to clear my thoughts and to focus on what i want to write.

by the way, i am still INTP. not relevant but i think i am paying more attention on the feelings of others which im not really good at. just sayin’. hahahahahaha.

so what can i say to Harry Styles’ single? Well. he is really tazlented and his song reminds me of the old times: Pink floyd, oasis, black sabbath and my personal favourite song, Dessert moon. harry has a good speaking voice and a nice singing voice. But personally, sign of the times isn’t my cup of tea. I know it was good. but not something to be repeated over and over unlike ed sheeran’s shape of you. (i never had this song in my playlist. i just hear it a lot on the radio lol). But i’m happy for Harry and his new album. i have to admit i am old enough for one direction. but i appreciate them because they remind me of my days in the United Kingdom. the happy-go-lucky days, the nice weather and the expensive stores. haha.

what made me write really is Niall Horan’s single: Slow Hands. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. i just downloaded it and i couldn’t help but focus on the song. the first time i saw the title i knew it was gonna be good. and intuition-wise it gave me an idea that the song would become my ultimate favourites. and so i made my mum listen to three songs: sign of the times, slow hands and attention. she said all of them were good and she recognized Charlie Puth’s voice at the end. Funny because when i listen to Slow Hands i didn’t realize that my mum was talking to me. I always loved Niall’s singing voice and if i were in my teens, i would go for Niall during One D days. I like his part in their song Better than Words. And today, I am so happy i got inspired by his lovely song, Slow hands! The song is absolutely amazing!!!!!! it reminds me of Eric Clapton and John Mayer. it makes me wat to be ready for a new relationship. LOL. the song really makes me feel good. And i’m really thankful Niall created such a masterpiece.

and lastly, i am thankful for my newfound old friend who is INTP as well. she is authentically INTP with a tinge of J because she’s organized and precise. I just want to mention it because talking to her makes me feel good. between me and her i can say that she’s more of INTP. because sometimes i act like a bratty INFP lol. i am just thankful for her we kind of reconnected again. So i guess i’ll see you around. im going to update you about my next appointment.

at the moment i can’t help but fall in love with Niall’s mew single. it’s not bad to daydream a bit of having a relationship and playing slow hands as your theme song. LOL. Ciao!

p.s. i changed my password here. im getting there….. the unified password project lol.

Why aren’t you successful yet?

Whoa. The title is simply overwhelming. Lol. Again, excuse me for my grammar. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. I’ve been jobless for more than two years. I am here to explain myself or rather make an excuse on what has happened to me. LOL. And i can’t believe I stared at the computer for five minutes before writing this particular sentence. If you would picture my PC, I have 7 open tabs, where two sites are the same.and the other one is my email where I got the link of the two. Yes, I’ve been working on my passwords. I am only going to use one password for every account. My password isn’t that strong, so it can be hacked. but nobody is interested in hacking my account because i have no bank linked to my account lol.

Alright. how do i start? let’s begin with personality tests. All my life, ever since i knew how to use the computer I have been taking personality tests, to the point I have taken most of them I even took personality disorder tests. LOL. When I was in high school, My sister printed a MBTI test and i got the Champion. (enfp). When i grew older and started working, it changed to ENTP/ INTP. but recently, i’ve become a consistent INTP. Wow. Einstein. LOL. If you will read about the INTP, it will fascinate you because the INTP is a genius. but wait, what if your IQ isn’t special? just normal. I am raising my right hand. Yes, dear? Yup. I am all about the negative INTP. lol. I allotted my free time for about an hour reading about the negative side of the INTP. So many ideas, in fact you get lost on one idea for days and you don’t finish anything. lol. My idea is so grand i think nobody can help me. but wait, what about my other ideas that are equally great? So you get lost until you find something interesting until you become disinterested and the cycle goes on. And while I am typing this post I am answering another MBTI test hoping my personality type will change. LOL. Ive read about the ENTJ and according to research they are the most successful, highest paid employees. LOL. But again, that’s just some survey.

Alright. i have finished the tests and it said:

• You love ideas, theories, and complex concepts
• You analyze things logically and objectively
• You are independent, unconventional, and do not care what others think
• You think like a scientist and question everything
• You have little patience for people who are intellectually inferior

It is obviously an INTP, but i need to sign up to get my full results. LOL. so i won’t share the link. hahahaha.

So if i focused on the positive sides of the INTP i could do better. Right now, I am imagining that I am only interested in one thing. That is making blog templates and selling them online. I already added the how-to on bookmarks. together with 10+ i added but never opened. lol.

Alright, the following paragraph is a very detailed description of me: of course i’ll provide the link. because i think it’s worth checking and is waaay funny for me.

INTP: The Egghead

The typical INTP is a logical, abstract thinker whose intellect is ideally suited to understanding pure mathematics, linguistics, formal logic theory, and other pursuits unsuited to making a real living. The INTP can often understand even the most subtle nuances of lattice quantum chromodynamics, but cannot perform more concrete tasks such as dressing himself, operating a motor vehicle, or opening a door. An INTP may be able to tell you how to construct a nuclear reactor from a coconut and two pieces of string, but may be completely incapable of fixing a hole in a boat.

The INTP is really only suited to two careers: college professor and game show contestant. Of these career choices, only one offers the financial rewards which allows him to suport himself; for that reason, INTPs often take the other path, and become tenured academics.

RECREATION: Surprisingly, INTPs are often the hit of the party–not for their sometimes annoying habit of turning every discussion into a debate about semantics nor for their fascinating stories about Pierre de Fermat’s habit of writing things in the margins of his books, but for the fact that they often show up with their pants on backwards and that if you put a Post-It note reading “Kick Me” on an INTP’s back, he won’t notice it no matter how many people kick him. That kind of entertainment never gets old.

COMPATIBILITY: INTPs make ideal companions to INTJs, as neither of them notices they’re in a relationship.

Famous INTPs include Pierre de Fermat and almost everyone who knows what Pierre de Fermat wrote in the margins of his book.

https://www.xeromag.com/fun/personality.html

P.s: i don’t know who Pierre de Fermat is, but i think he’s already dead. LOL. hey, but come to think of it, it is clear that the INTP is a real genius. nevermind. let’s get to another test.

Because I am a genius according to MBTI, i diagnosed myself (and I don’t need professional diagnosis because I AM A FUCKING GENIUS) lol, just kidding. i have no money. that’s it.

http://totallyadd.com/do-i-have-add/totally-add-quiz/

I took this test and voila! it said i have ADD. i signed up for their newsletter and i find it cool, interesting and of course i could relate to it. Looking back, when i was studying, I really couldn’t focus on what I’m doing. I play different games, chat with my friend, and enrolled for a free tech course which i just remembered now. LOL. to think that I am not rich. imagine my life as a book, tear up all the pages and leave just 2 pages. those torn (EMFMG= excuse me for my grammar! lol) pages were the opportunities i have missed. My best friend, sister, or some close friends would say: If i were you i could’ve gone so far. maybe it’s true. If they don’t have ADD and the negative INTP. lol. I am not dumb. (Or maybe i am if someone would debunk my personality test theories) lol. I have a 4 year degree course and some other relevant courses which if you will input to another person’s credentials they would probably rich by now.

So what the hell is wrong with me? how do i focus?. which should i prioritize? what do i want in life? Since i am aware of my problems, maybe i would succeed someday, not as quick as most people. i have light years while they have the regular time. LOL. i just reread the paragraph above and forgot to mention the two pages left on my book. that’s my birth and my death respectively. lol.

See you on my next misadventure episode.

another P.s: i haven’t written what i intended to write. it would probably make my argument better lolololol nevermind. another realization of mine: i only wrote about 20 percent of what i want to say. hahahahaha