You had one task.

This is a diary of a undiagnosed ADHD patient.

In my prevous posts I self-diagnosed myself with ADD. Time has passed and I am proud of myself because I learned the importance of headings when writing an article. But this is not an article though. It states on the headline that it’s a diary, duh! lol.

Regardless of that proud moment I am writing with a heavy heart. Not that someone or something died but because something is alive. And kicking! It is one of my major problems knocking again in the time of pandemic. AND IT KNOCKS REALLY HARD because i don’t have a job right now. Lol.

Today i will try to focus on my lack of focus. LOL. Funny because it came up to me dressed perfectly ready to attack me and my dear future. It happened when I decided to focus on reviewing for an upcoming exam to get me working overseas. It started two months ago, and to think of the progress well obviously I failed. That’s when I started to see that I may need professional help to see if I had a problem.

During March i thought about a lot of things: looking for a job online, setting up a small business, upgrading my heroes on genshin impact and ranking up on mobile legends with the help of strong teammates. Lol. What about the review? I did some and did well. (Two tests) and the rest were video tips. I had to congratulate myself for finishing an hour video for i have my personal limit of watching videos. Just 20 mins or less.

On April I had the opportunity to become an article writer and I thought it would help me on my review because they are somewhat related. And interrelated to my dream job as well. I gave it a go and tried my best, spending six hours straight for nothing. I am not a professional writer. Though the team in the workplace were very helpful, I decided to quit because I felt that I cannot cope with it. I wasnt being negative. But to spoon feed you with the guides you all need and I insisted to use a fork is a no-no.

To put it simply, I lacked focus in everything I did. From review to chores and other simple tasks. I also remembered my subscription on totallyadd (heyyy i know how to hyperlink lol) and somehow felt inspired and motivated that it’s not the end of the world yet. I read my favourite friday funnies and their articles. And fuck, why do I relate to their articles when I wasnt even diagnosed yet?

So in the course of two months in between the struggle in completing my tasks, (my struggle in the video game completions included but it has another story lol) I started looking for a consultation online regarding my probable ADD. I had one last month but it was only a free consultation and the psychologist tried to rule out early onset dementia. lol what the fuck? My family was aware of the consultation and my sister said i didn’t focus on what should i focus on. Lmao. So let us not blame the person who ruled out that effin dementia. OKAY. i looked for more consulation sites and decided on the lowest price. BUT since i lacked focus, congratulations, I landed a paid consultation today at seven pm. I have many things to do and think about but I am thankful to this opportunity which I had done and decided on my own (a round of applause please!) I just hope this goes well. Because I couldn’t start on preparing on what I had planned until i talk to a professional. In fact i started the day with a bang because I never played a single videogame since morning up until now. Instead I finished a 1 hour video review. It was a good start not until a family member of mine talked to me about decision making and clearing that they wanted me to get a job. Because focusing on review isnt sustainable financially. Also, i forgot it already. Because i took a large sip of coca cola. Lol.

The job issue is different. There was a misunderstanding with communication. I am kind of a robot, so i work best with a single keyword or phrase. Job. No money. That is what i am thinking about right now.

So to sum up everything, i lacked focus in everything. But before I get working on the key words, I will focus on my consultation. Because relying on a probable disorder without confirmation from a professional gives me anxiety. From small tasks to landing a job and even quests from videogames to having a family of my own etc.. it blows the shit out of my brain.

So what i need to do today is relax and hope that everything will be settled before the end of this day.

I guess i have said what I wanted to tackle. I will update this blog with the results. I just hope I dont forget my schedule and that I have a blog. Lol. That’s what alarms are for. 😄

What do you do when you’re in love? Me: wait for it to fade.

I planned to write on my story yesterday and i had the time the whole day today yet i haven’t started anything. Nothing has changed. We had a discussion at home about the old problems, the root of all the problems which destroyed the potential progress in terms of financial matters. Misunderstandings occured and eventually i have cleared myself for saying something i didn’t mean. But the discussion caused me to realize something: No one saves you except yourself. The power should be within you, not from others. In contrast with how i understand the world: we were designed to lack something, so that someone else would fill the holes. Im talking about life in general. It’s what the deity wants. To help each other: to love one another. Well my realization isn’t off course (pardon for the wrong grammar) because i was talking about fulfilling your grand purpose. We may have different purposes or calling. I should say we need not to consult others on how you’re going to do it. Or we may consult others’ perspectives and if it doesnt align with how you want to do it, then drop it. 

My lifelong burden has been causing me too much trouble. If i would present all the lines i used in my previous blogs, it would represent a circle.  I would try my best to define my problems. I hope i could do it. I still think i have add. Ive got poor memory when it comes to important things. Maybe that’s the reason i am stagnated. 

Now i forgot everything. Lmao. Okay then i remembered:

1. Focus. I cannot focus on my ultimate goal. Adversity isn’t a factor to hinder your goals. It might cause delays, but perseverance is the greatest evidence that will shun the universe to give it to you. 

2. I trust myself too much i procrastinate. To describe this superpower of mine i declare that i have a vision. This vision contradicts the power to act upon what you see. It is considered as nothing. Because having a vision without doing anything is just a vision. To prove my vision, i told my best friend 18 years ago that i dont need to wish for cars because i know i will have one soon. 2016 i bought an old jeep. It’s not a car but at least i didn’t do anything about it. I mean didnt persevere for the sake of having a vehicle. Lol. 

3. I see the world as a cruel place, because of other people’s way of thinking. It is written in the bible that the world’s worldly actions will worsen as time goes by. Can we do something about it? Maybe no. But we can choose not to be involved at least. 

4. I trust myself too much i come up to conclusions which cannot be changed. This is related to number two. This is the negative vision lol. Sometimes consequences dont matter as long as i have predicted it. It gives me the sense of power that i knew something. Or avoid something never knowing what’s gonna really happen because of the negative vision. The results are probably (i used the word probably because im certain that it wont do me any good) missed opporunities. I didnt take paths which im fucking certain are meaningless but it could mean that im just a fucking coward trying to escape the real outcome. I remember the wuote from heisenberg that the path continues to move when we observe it: something like that. Of course it’s physics but i try to connect it with life. 

5. When i truly love something, i become silent. I dont do anything. I dont shout it to the world i keep it. Because of cowardice and numbers 1-4. I have this stupid conclusion if what’s gonna happen. It comes with overthinking. 

There’s more but im tired to think of them really. The worst enemy is your self. Of course it may not be applied to others, like soldiers. Lol. And my conclusion to this post is to do something about my goals. Even the cigarettes dont help at the moment. Again i might just be procrastinating, writing about things that are not really problems. It might cause me a lot of burden but not to the people around me. They have their own problems. 

Staying silent, as ive said. I was judging Rigel without his knowing. I miss him a lot. And it felt like im the only one doing things to communicate or be with him. Thinking that he’s fine without me makes me feel sad and motivated to move on. I dont know but i havent said it to anyone how i felt. I dont know if i love him. Maybe i do. The set up we have isnt enough to say the things i want to say. Dont get me wrong. I will never declare my feelings for him. It’s just random research on how his mind works. Being with him makes things easy. Reality-wise. Easier and happier. And i have concluded that this person would make my days better until i die. Funny because he knows nothing. Lol. Sometimes he gives the hints that he kinda understands me. But most of the time his words came from a practical approach. The tangible things, the real-world things. So currently he is my object of study. But im avoiding it. I guess im justifying that i was wrong about my happy ever after conclusion lol. If he’s ordinary (a typical turn off for me. ) then why do i still not change my mind about him. Him getting into a relationship would destroy me. But im not afraid. Or still am, but these things i entrust to the divine. Lol. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) feelings fade. And im just waiting for it, as the title says.

Testing the waters

So im writing again via phone. Another evidence that i couldn’t contain my current standing in the game of life lol. Sometimes i feel guilty for sharing my blog to someone i know because they might accuse me of being a weakling or being ungrateful. I dont give a fuck anyways. This is my trash bin and it’s obviously metaphorical. I couldn’t write via laptop because our computer is in the living room, it feels uncomfortable writing something even if they dont look at what i am doing. That’s another reason why i couldn’t continue my next episode. 

Im just here to tackle about actions and consequences. You enter a situation, and you are aware of what’s gonna happen. There’s a bonus: that’s when you dont expect something which will happen. I usually predict things as i enter a new setting. So it happened. Job wants me to conform. And i dont want to. Lol. I havent googled the exact meaning of conformity. But i think im on the right track lol. I know the solution: try to conform even if it clashes with your principles. I have written this before. I was just reminded again because i didnt conform to them. Lol. Now another solution is: play pretend. And find something that im gonna think about to shun away the real issue. That’s what i did. Or that’s what i always do. Don’t get me wrong. I am very good, at least in what i do, except the sales shit. Now im thinking what’s it like if im gonna be a parent. Maybe i’ll conform to them just to feed little mouths. A perfect excuse for someone who needed escape, and a perfect example of hard work and inspiration for real parents. 

Im not being smug here. Actually i feel bad for not having the kind of thinking most people have. Conforming to society, going with the flow, not thinking of harming others or violating one’s principles. 

So this post is an evidence that there’s an event in my life (actually the whole blog) that i might just laugh about someday. So the solution i have thought is to see a clairvoyant. My actual reason is to TEST his ability. I predict the future too. I am very curious about his talents. If ever he says something bad or i dont like, well or he might not show up due to a certain incident, or we wont show up because something happened. I cant help but imagine things: everything that could possibly happen- this, my friend, i believe, is a Ne- dominant trait. Lol. But it kinda excites me. It’s something i look forward to— some reason to at least bear the stress my work is causing me. 

I am also thinking that my dream job is still away. But not as far as from ten years ago. Still, a small progress is still a progress. The thing is, im going to unravel the mystery of the clairvoyant with Rigel. Who happened to be interested in knowing the future. That’s why im also anxious about what will happen. I think we’re the same. To be together in one place is inevitable. We do things for a purpose. I dont think this is an excuse just to be with his company. I think he became a medium on extracting what i needed to know to fight in my own game of life. I mean a medium could be anyone. But it happened to be him. No emotions involved. Just plain purpose. I told you i dont let emotions win. It’s just a bonus i happen to be with someone whom im comfortable with. But i still find it strange. But if being with him has a price, i wouldn’t thank him (i did) but i shouldve thanked his purpose. Same with me. I had a purpose seeing him. I needed data for my ultimate dream. Imagine what would happen in the future. If i reached my ultimate dream, maybe he’s married then with kids. I don’t know. Still testing the waters like watching his every move for me to dismiss what i have concluded in my past posts. 

Exciting isn’t it? We’ll see what happens. 

Boring reality

I was supposed to write something about my thoughts on marriage but i think i would leave that for now. I realized that i shouldn’t post often on facebook, since nobody really feels for me. I even avoided chatting on messenger unless it’s urgent.

I am about to finish the k drama Goblin which is the best i have watched so far. I don’t know. Even if i still don’t know the ending, i really can’t contain my feelings. Well at least i told my best friend about what i feel. I don’t know if i’m in love with the series lol but everything is just perfect. The whole story, the lines, the clothes they wear, the places where it was shot, i couldn’t find a single error. And the thing is, i am not really into drama. But i find myself crying in some episodes. To be honest i don’t know why. But i could relate to each character except Park Joong the effin demon ghost lol. They say that when you like something, it’s because you could relate to it. It might have happened to you that’s why it gets you. But not all cases of course. Well maybe because Goblin is really good you don’t need to relate yourself when you watch it. Lol. It’s just funny seeing Eun Tak having a handful of lighters to summon Kim Shin, well i have two lighters (originally three, my brother took one) because i thought i lost my lighter. Sadly i only summon the smoke of a cigarette when i feel like stressed and when i have rushing thoughts that i feel like chasing. I also remember the red scarf- my favourite one. It’s actually red and white but of course when i wear it i choose the red part. I remember the good old days in London. I remember the different seasons when i was abroad that’s why i enjoy watching Goblin. With regards to the story, it was well- written. Yes it’s full of torments but it’s nice. It’s a question of will and fate. Another interesting part of life.

I know these sorts of entertainment are man-made but the timing and the message could be the Deity’s will- or probably fate? I don’t know. Or it’s hard to explain. I myself write stories based on my ideas which has a hidden message on coping with reality. Of course it’s not set in reality but the core of the story is about the struggle of a human being in coping with it. It’s completely the same. So now im wondering when other people watch k dramas or a good movie, is it merely “it entertained me, i enjoyed it” feeling? Maybe some. But i like to look at the moral of the story. In everything. Even in a small incident, i like to connect it with the question what have i learned from it? Is it useful in the future? This neverending learning process goes on. And i don’t know if i could gather them and write it down in one book. Of course acting upon what u have learned is one evidence, even the slightest feeling of hope when you’re down is another evidence. But i want to collect them and maybe pass it on others by fate at least. By random.

I sometimes think that where would my stories go? I dont share it with most people because i know it’s boring to read something when you could watch lots of series online. That’s why i really want to make it a reality. Even if i end up doing it alone- i know it might take me a couple of decades since im a distracted person. And this distraction sometimes lead me to negative thinking. But believe me, im always positive. It feels like im immortal (another thing that i strangely relate to Kim shin-maybe because i have watched my loved ones evolve and lost some of them) lol. I always pray to God to guide me in the right path. When i say im distracted im serious about it. But these distractions —might have something to do in creating something. Something that would sync with the perfect timing.

This will sound strange but my timing is quite different from other people. I know we have different timings because we’re different lmao but what im saying is, like for my age and the likes most people have found their love and focus on building a family, as well as building their careers and all. That’s what i meant. Sometimes or i question myself often, did i really pass the time? Was it my fault? If i wasn’t distracted should have i been successful? Sometimes i forget that im mortal. Really. Man i think i watch too much afterlife shits lol. Or maybe i got to watch them to remind me that life is short so i must get going.

Now im hungry. Lolololololol. This is the boring and sad part of reality. That im very far from achieving my dreams because im broke and distracted. But im doing something about it. Im not the type of person to use someone like marry a rich man or trick people to earn money. I could do that but i choose not to. Because it’s against my values. I like everything done in a good way. That’s what i have learned in life. I hope i have said what i want. I still have lots of thoughts but my priority is sleep. Lol.

And practicing not talking about 75 percent of what’s on my mind or who’s on my mind. This too shall pass.

if this ain’t depression, then i don’t know what it is

i actually don’t know where to start. i have tried to distance myself from chatting with some of my friends. and i had to turn off my phone and tablet’s wifi connection just to post on this blog. while everyone is keeping busy with their lives, here i am, just blogging. i have a deadline to beat, yet i haven’t done anything. i was given two weeks. and today the second week started. lol. but it’s not funny. i’ve had this feeling for months now, yet hoping that after this, it might bring me some motivation to leave this stagnation. Have you ever felt worthless yet you don’t do anything to become worthy? That’s it. my mind is working. im always thinking what should i  do with my life. i haven’t considered working too. crap! i feel lost. i just want to disappear. but that’s selfishness.what about my family? maybe i am too comfortable with my lifestyle that i dont want to face reality. the reality that i need to get a job and establish myself because im not getting any younger. im a believer of hard work– because i’ve heard lots of inspirational stories (real-life) that in order to succeed, you need to work hard for it. so let them succeed. LOL. i am not trying to be funny but here i am. stating  the fact that i am a fucking piece of shit in the universe. i’ve read this before. in my own blog. like six years ago. not the fucking piece of shit thing. at least at that time i had a job. good thing my friends dont know about this blog. i want to tell them what i really feel. yes i have told some. but they give advice: different advice on my situation. here they are:

1. be practical. get a job related to what i have studied (it’s in demand) save money so i could do whatever i want to do with my fucking life.
2. wait for the enlightenment. (gosh i love this friend of mine). i told her i’m going to attend a writing workshop which will start in September. she said it’s alright if i’m still unsure of what i want to do.
3. i can’t stay like this. finish my deadline and then presto! apply for a job.
4. . i just need love.

now here are my comments for each numbers: (i dont know if i  replied to them or not but if yes, this is not definitely what i said to them)

1. my old profession is alright. i sometimes miss it. but i dont see myself doing it again. or maybe when i do, it’s just imagination.
2. i’ve been waiting for that eureka moment. i know what i want to do. i just dont know exactly what should i do. working in my so-called true love’s so-called environment need a fast internet connection, and a NIIIIIIICE computer. when i say nice, it’s anything with all the specs and not this crappy auto-skipping-cursor-when-i-type-something-that’s-why-i-have-to-edit-what-i-write-every-five-minutes kind of computer. wait a minute. i love this notebook of mine. this is where i store all my story drafts. i didn’t mind when cursor skips when i write my stories. but this notebook isn’t good enough in writing codes. even it’s memory: if this is a person i would diagnose it with dementia. oh dear.
3. i don’t know how will i do my work because of this notebook. i know. it’s an excuse but its valid. i need a new computer. should i borrow one? i don’t have enough connection to make all the stuff work. and  imagine i have to google with this slothy internet speed. maybe im not really interested in beating that deadline. should i pay someone to do it for me? it does bother me but around 75 percent of myself dont give a fuck. because i dont want to do anything. im just waiting to be kicked out of the house. another thing. this “creative mind” (because i like to imagine extreme things like pointing a gun in my head for me to get something done), i think will just only get me into trouble. it’s not creative. it’s a paranoid mind. sometimes or all the time i imagine stupid things that’s not gonna happen.
4. fall in love? haha. that’s what i advised him when he was feeling lost. he did find someone and his life is well, on the right track. thank you for the lovely advice. but i will not find love because it seems that based on this post i dont love myself/ lol/.

i never changed. i always escape. since gradeschool. if i could escape, i would. but now i am looking for a new excuse just to skip hardwork? don’t get me wrong. i work hard. i just dont know the hell where to put my energy. forgive me for this post. i am hoping that sooner or later this feeling would stop. i am not excited about anything. i am not inspired. that its okay to be like this. but i know it’s not. men are designed to work. so the bottom line is. i need at least any job. not the perfect job. i dont deserve it. so ill have to change my dream. since i dont want to do hard work i will just live as a mediocre, and die in mediocrity. ive been dreaming of a good purpose. maybe this is my purpose. just another damn human being — alright erase that. im not a bad person. let’s put it this way. supposed i get a job i dont like. dont grow professionally, at least i never hurt anyone. now this is a good excuse. lol. just kidding. it just feels worthless to do something that you dont love, sacrifice your time just to be a decent citizen. someone who has a job.

it is said that GOd doesn’t give you trials you can’t endure. i dont have any other problems (pwera usog) other than this. my enemy is myself. maybe i’ll write something positive in my next post. but my conclusion, to make it clear, since i dont want to do anything in particular except a new job (because it’s mandatory), okay, any job will do. aaand applying for two or more companies wouldnt gurantee they’d hire me. but i wont prepare myself so let’s say my next post would be a series of rejections. lolololololol.

Something

Again. Sorry for the wrong grammar. Lol. While i was typing the title of this blog i noticed that i shook my head. (Or is it was shaking my head) okay i already apologized for the grammatical errors of this post so please do continue and dont give a fuck. Lol. The reason i shook my head because this happened before. Many times. I couldn’t sleep because something’s bugging me. In my previous blogs i blamed it on caffeine. And yes, i had plenty of caffeine today. Lol. And i was supposed to edit my resume. I did edit my resume. I tried to put some art and then noticed the time 11:oo pm so i decided to sleep. Lol. Before that i had a battle. (Positivity versus negativity) in my mind. Lol. The funny thing is positivity won, so i didnt bother to edit my resume. (Tomorrow is a new day! Hurrah!) lol. But because i had caffeine overload i couldn’t sleep. If i had edited my resume it shouldve been ready for printing tomorrow. Lol. What a rubbish post. Hahahahahahaha! I dont know. If people like me. Will succeed. Hahahahaha. Crap! But if you will think about it, for example, you have a big exam on a certain subject, you didnt review because you didnt feel like doing it. And the next day your professor’s sick. So, no exam. Lol. I am not rationalizing my laziness. I think it’s just funny. Maybe ill get by with this attitude but no distinction in terms of success.  I am not against hard work. In fact i am surprised that i involuntarily worked hard in some phases of my life. (Whatever you call it! ) well i think this post is pointless for some. But meaningful for me. Meaningful because this is my outlet. After this post i will be fine and soon be in good working condition. I guess in life there’s plenty of stress. Stress that leads to overthinking then paranoia. If i were an HR i would never hire the author of this blog. Hahahahhahahaha! Because it seems that the writer is unfit for the job! How come there were employees that i know who passed the exam,etc but were unfit for the job? Dumb HR. I guess. Lol. Or palakasan. Oh dear. I think i shouldnt be too harsh on myself but sometimes i do this or a lot because i am fucking procrastinating all the time! Hahahahaha! I dont always work hard but when i do, i work til i lose my senses. Nice nice! Have you ever had enough time you had taken all the personality tests on google search’s pages 1-3 and still remember the questions? Yes! Lol. Name all the mbti/jung typology websites. Been taking them since i learned how to use the internet. Result? Intp. Always. They say that einstein’s an INTP. He’s my idol. And the only similarity that we have is we dont know/ want to drive. Lol. I havent tried it though. Anyways let me define my personal mbti result. Intp. Introspective Negative Thinking(over)Paranoid. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Perfect! Mind you, this is only an outlet. I call this therapy. Writing clears my mind. When the world has taken its toll on me(at least in my imagination) i write. At least i do not whine about love life! At this moment i remembered my crush. I call him mr sunshine! Because there are plenty of stars in the universe. Bigger, brighter, bolder, yet the sun is the only star that shines over the earth. Giving life! Wow! But he shouldnt be mr sunshine. Because the sun is in the perfect position. So it means he will never be mine lol. Or im not the earth. Im pluto. Hahahahahaha. I think im talking like crazy. I just remembered his face and i suddenly talked about the solar system. Well even i dont earn money from writing, i still consider myself as a writer. A writer is someone who creates something awful into something beautiful. Wait, isnt it called recycling? Lol. No thats garbage to something useful. But theyre kinda similar. And a writer exaggerates things. Like for example you read ” the sheets that hugged them produced heat… Sorry it sounds like sciencey. Lol. What i mean is authors can make sex like an art or something beautiful but the actual physical thing is it’s not. Its more of a funny and a little disgusting kind of thing. Hahahahaha! Well because writers focus on the beauty/ feeling rather than the bad things or unnecessary things. Okay enough of this shit. So it’s 1:20 am and how am i supposed to get up early and edit my resume? Lol. We’ll see! Hahahahaha