What do you do when you’re in love? Me: wait for it to fade.

I planned to write on my story yesterday and i had the time the whole day today yet i haven’t started anything. Nothing has changed. We had a discussion at home about the old problems, the root of all the problems which destroyed the potential progress in terms of financial matters. Misunderstandings occured and eventually i have cleared myself for saying something i didn’t mean. But the discussion caused me to realize something: No one saves you except yourself. The power should be within you, not from others. In contrast with how i understand the world: we were designed to lack something, so that someone else would fill the holes. Im talking about life in general. It’s what the deity wants. To help each other: to love one another. Well my realization isn’t off course (pardon for the wrong grammar) because i was talking about fulfilling your grand purpose. We may have different purposes or calling. I should say we need not to consult others on how you’re going to do it. Or we may consult others’ perspectives and if it doesnt align with how you want to do it, then drop it. 

My lifelong burden has been causing me too much trouble. If i would present all the lines i used in my previous blogs, it would represent a circle.  I would try my best to define my problems. I hope i could do it. I still think i have add. Ive got poor memory when it comes to important things. Maybe that’s the reason i am stagnated. 

Now i forgot everything. Lmao. Okay then i remembered:

1. Focus. I cannot focus on my ultimate goal. Adversity isn’t a factor to hinder your goals. It might cause delays, but perseverance is the greatest evidence that will shun the universe to give it to you. 

2. I trust myself too much i procrastinate. To describe this superpower of mine i declare that i have a vision. This vision contradicts the power to act upon what you see. It is considered as nothing. Because having a vision without doing anything is just a vision. To prove my vision, i told my best friend 18 years ago that i dont need to wish for cars because i know i will have one soon. 2016 i bought an old jeep. It’s not a car but at least i didn’t do anything about it. I mean didnt persevere for the sake of having a vehicle. Lol. 

3. I see the world as a cruel place, because of other people’s way of thinking. It is written in the bible that the world’s worldly actions will worsen as time goes by. Can we do something about it? Maybe no. But we can choose not to be involved at least. 

4. I trust myself too much i come up to conclusions which cannot be changed. This is related to number two. This is the negative vision lol. Sometimes consequences dont matter as long as i have predicted it. It gives me the sense of power that i knew something. Or avoid something never knowing what’s gonna really happen because of the negative vision. The results are probably (i used the word probably because im certain that it wont do me any good) missed opporunities. I didnt take paths which im fucking certain are meaningless but it could mean that im just a fucking coward trying to escape the real outcome. I remember the wuote from heisenberg that the path continues to move when we observe it: something like that. Of course it’s physics but i try to connect it with life. 

5. When i truly love something, i become silent. I dont do anything. I dont shout it to the world i keep it. Because of cowardice and numbers 1-4. I have this stupid conclusion if what’s gonna happen. It comes with overthinking. 

There’s more but im tired to think of them really. The worst enemy is your self. Of course it may not be applied to others, like soldiers. Lol. And my conclusion to this post is to do something about my goals. Even the cigarettes dont help at the moment. Again i might just be procrastinating, writing about things that are not really problems. It might cause me a lot of burden but not to the people around me. They have their own problems. 

Staying silent, as ive said. I was judging Rigel without his knowing. I miss him a lot. And it felt like im the only one doing things to communicate or be with him. Thinking that he’s fine without me makes me feel sad and motivated to move on. I dont know but i havent said it to anyone how i felt. I dont know if i love him. Maybe i do. The set up we have isnt enough to say the things i want to say. Dont get me wrong. I will never declare my feelings for him. It’s just random research on how his mind works. Being with him makes things easy. Reality-wise. Easier and happier. And i have concluded that this person would make my days better until i die. Funny because he knows nothing. Lol. Sometimes he gives the hints that he kinda understands me. But most of the time his words came from a practical approach. The tangible things, the real-world things. So currently he is my object of study. But im avoiding it. I guess im justifying that i was wrong about my happy ever after conclusion lol. If he’s ordinary (a typical turn off for me. ) then why do i still not change my mind about him. Him getting into a relationship would destroy me. But im not afraid. Or still am, but these things i entrust to the divine. Lol. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) feelings fade. And im just waiting for it, as the title says.

Escape.

Obviously  i am writing this during working hours. All i can say is i’ve been distracted since birth? Lol. I mean i am aware on what i should do but i couldn’t find the time to do it. I had a seesaw of emotions since morning- from feeling great to feeling down and then back to feeling great again. Sounds silly, innit? But i was just affected with what a friend told me. Sorry to admit this but im still not done with Rigel. Good thing my bff’s busy. She would understand. Let me explain this to anyone or whoever scans this note. I write things because they are like a coin. Something with two sides: happy and unnecessary. Or unpleasant. 

I am sure my sentences aren’t constructed very well. So i am skipping to next paragraph. I am very much sure that in this case, i write to annihilate everything i felt for this person. I wouldnt deny that i was happy. Honestly, the happiest if someone would ask me, and to make it more accurate strangely happy. So the morning went well. Even though i was filled with questions the excitement and happiness had taken over my mood. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) until I Consulted this trusted friend who told me to stop. (I need not elaborate). Do not get me wrong. I may be emotional deep inside, but i never let my emotions win. There are times when i want to cry while listening to music like enjoying every bit of drama, but hey i feel alright afterwards. I couldnt even read the old posts about him because of embarrassment. And the fact that my feelings had gotten deeper. My friend had a point. I had to stop seeing him. But then later on the day i concluded that i just let things happen. I made a deal. And i might get into bouts of what-ifs or i wish’s but at the end of the day it will become crystal clear. 

Third paragraph. Obviously my mind is distorted right now. Im already home. My emotions are trying to take over my senses and i have to use logic to overcome them. I used logic just this afternoon. It didnt do me good. So the last resort would be faith. Lol. I guess ill just hold onto faith. 

My most embarrassing feeling.

I was supposed to write something inspirational but i am emotionally fucked up. Lol. Since i don’t feel like talking to anyone today regarding what i feel, again im gonna leave my trash here. Lololololololol. So i have a couple of minutes to write and im hoping i could sleep before twelve midnight. 

So what happened? Nothing much. I left my phone at home but i brought my charger at work. Lol. I answered sudoku and read the newspaper dated yesterday. I looked at the atock market as if i had an investment lolololololol and answered a bit of the crossword puzzle. It wasn’t bad after all. 

I have also been watching Goblin, the korean drama series. But i guess it deserves another post. Maybe if i got it right, i mean my description of emotions towards the series. I could relate to the lead character and i dont know why. Maybe because he is living for almost a thousand years and i feel like Im 939 years old yet nothing has happened in my life lol. It’s not funny. Lololololololololol. 

Maybe im about to have my menstruation that’s why i feel alone and sad and angry with the people i know. The feeling that no one’s there for me when i needed someone to talk to 😂😂😂😂. I need to cut this crap because i look alright and it is not obvious that i need help. lol. Anyways why would you open up when they wont understand. I’ll just feel annoyed right? 

Okay and this one really affects me. Which one? Forgive me for my fucked up post. It just came to me while i was praying. I will try to enumerate them so i wont get confused. 
1. Rigel. He doesn’t like me. I mean it’s okay for him if he doesn’t see me. He doesn’t think about me. How did i know? I just know. I have got no time for self-pity or crappy insecurity feelings. But i quite understand the way how he feels or behaves. It’s logically correct. So i’m not mad at him or whatever. I value logic above all. I mean of course maybe second from faith. Lololololol. 

2. I feel so stupid for liking Rigel. 😂😂😂😂 it’s completely irrational. And you know when it’s not logical i tend to dismiss it. What’s the point? Lololololololol. I just hope my best friend wouldnt read this. She might laugh at me and tell me you have felt that so many times and it will soon pass. Well i agree.

3. I used to blame my future husband when things go wrong with my love life.  Lololololololol. It’s also illogical so i have dismissed it. Funny because whenever i  almost fall for someone i say to this non-existent being. It’s all your fault! Being non-existent is your sin that’s why im all fucked up. Lololololol. Stupid, isn’t it? 

4. I’m a coward. Wait, what? Yes. In terms of love. Why? Because love is an emotion. Sadly, i still couldn’t figure out this one. Even with friends. At least i admit it. I hate drama. Even if i do it occasionally in my blog posts, lmao! At least i dont bother someone. I just write them to feel better, right? But love, (as a feeling and not as a choice) is kind of complicated. Also the commitment thing. Because once you commited yourself to someone then it means you have to invest emotionally. You become possessive, etc. But im not joking when i say i could love someone from afar. (The unrequitted type lol) this one works better for me. But to others, being single and loving someone unconditionally is funny or dumb. And another thing i admit i sometimes feel embarrassed being single. Because to some it means no one is interested in me or something is wrong with me. No one bangs me, etc. Lolololololololololol. But that’s fine. They wouldnt understand why am i single.i have reasons and my reasons are not applicable to most people. 

So i would ask myself, what if Rigel is in his 30s, someone i met somewhere in college or in travel, and he likes me? Hell, no. If circumstances have changed it means that he might have been married to someone, or i might not notice him. Why? I dont know either. Lol. I am not very good  in explaining things especially when im in a crappy mood. I never wished Anything about him to change. And Rigel’s an evidence that God is really powerful and accurate in his timing. If we were born on the same year we wouldn’t meet. 
The bottomline of this rambling is he doesn’t like me. Or he likes me as a person like i like random people who are never involved in my personal life. Im writing these things so that someday ill just laugh about them. 😂😂😂😂. And it’s 12:23. 

And because what i felt during the times we were together are just one-sided. And the next sentence would be the most embarrassing words i would ever write. It’s so stupid i felt i want to spend the rest of my life with this person. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. See? I have never felt this with my past loves/ friends/ crushes. Even with my former crush. My totga. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Funny, isnt it? That’s why i wrote it. Because i want to prove that i was wrong.. or will be wrong soon. 
I just let my emotions drown me a bit every day i think of the day that he leaves. Whahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! He doesn’t even know i like him. Because i would never ever admit or show it or give hints. Because it’s pointless. 

Dont get me wrong! I am not in love with him. And if i were, im just waiting for it to fade. And if it doesn’t fade, well i dont know. I might write a novel about it. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)

Okay, so yesterday i sent the link of this blog to my sister and bestest best friend. And i think it was a wrong move 😂. The thing about keeping this private makes me pour out my emotions and thoughts no matter how embarrassing they are. But i already sent the link to them and they have read some of my posts, so if you two have come across this post i apologize because you might not like the following content. Lol. I think this is the most embarrassing post to end the year. So here it goes. ( i hope to tackle my emotions correctly but since i am struggling to do it well, good luck to me.) 
Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)

Remember my old post regarding my so-called sun? Of course no one remembers, im just talking to my blog lol. That was the last time i felt  my emotions run deep, honestly i hoped for a chance to be with him even just as a friend. But i stayed away from him because i knew i had zero chance. I still think about him sometimes and dream of him occasionally. 

Now im really wondering where is my future love. I feel sorry for him/her/it because once again i have let down my guard and fell for something unexpected. Of course i like to romanticize feelings. And im not good in expressing my emotions but i will try my best to make them clear. I might seem exaggerated or shallow when i write but again, im telling you, expressing my thoughts using the right words is my greatest struggle. See? I already had a few paragraphs but i haven’t started about my topic yet lolololololololol. 

Prepare yourself for another crazy post. Whahahahahahahahahaha. Okay, about my so-called sun. He left because his part in my life is finished. (Sorry for the wrong grammar) and it is kind of strange that i encountered someone who reminded me of him. They have the same age, same profession and thank God different habits. Let’s give him a code name. Lol. Rigel. It’s actually one of my gadgets’ name. If im not mistaken Rigel is bigger and brighter than the sun. So does this mean he’s more far-fetched? Well i have known rigel since i was a teen-ager and since im already in my 50’s 😂😂😂😂😂😂 just kidding. When i saw him again i thought that he’s kind of cute. But just a random comment because he’d grown. And another thing is we randomly communicate because of well, my best friend knows the answer. Lol. And of course because of the matrix. Lolololololol. I dont want to state the actual reason, it’s just a code. Im just writing because i want this feeling to fade. So after several months i would just laugh about this post. Hahahahahahahaha. So there. So Rigel reminded me of something bigger than the sun, that is to focus on my true niche. But believe me, i dont fancy him when i decided to ask him a favor (my sister and bff knows this). It’s just a random action and something that’s essential — something i will need in the future. It’s hobby related, true-niche related because i have planned before that i have to do something regarding what i want in life. So i went to his empire and Rigel was in his boxers. Lol. I didnt care because i have known him for a long time and he was like family to me. God this is so embarrassing. Lol. He tried to do the task i requested and there was some error so i had to go back and return to his empire later on that day. Without malice or romantic inclination i viewed Rigel as someone with potential success in the future. Seeing him  felt like— if this man succeeds, id be able to breathe comfortably and just laugh at my mistakes in my younger years. That’s why i try to motivate him every chance encounter i get. So there. The task was done. While he was doing the task we talked about our interests, possibilities and the future of gaming industry. I couldnt believe myself at that time, that i openly discussed my dreams comfortably. Well we are on the same track but different branches so it’s still related. I was so relaxed and at that time i seemed to kind of enjoy every second i was there. No pretensions, just plain relaxed conversation. I didnt need to be cautious regarding my actions because i was damn comfortable. And he’s like a brother to me. It only felt awkward when he talked he looked at me while his sitting position is away from my direction. I am just allergic to anyone looking at me. Because i dont look at the person im talking to. I dont know lol. I admit im weird but i prefer staring blankly at something or looking at something in the background that moves. Like a pc cursor, wind sheild wipers, etc. So there. Before i went to Rigel’s empire i prayed for happiness btw, and when i got home it’s more than happiness. I realized that I liked him. Lolololololololol. LMAO. He’s cute, intelligent, sensitive, not absent minded, quick thinker and very kind. He’s also sweet. To clear things he doesn’t like me romantically. He’s just being him. He had no idea i like him. Of course! Lol. But because after this realization i might not want to see him again. One of the reasons why im still single. But nah, that’s fine. I used to be comfortable with him all the time. But this feeling kinda turned out to be an obsession and wishful thinking. Lmao! Obsession because im dying to see him. (Yet im not making any move the fact that i know where he lives) and wishful thinking- i wish my future love would be like him. Someone who looks like him and older than me. I wish he was another person- someone whom i have met at school or work, someone like my age. And the craziest part is i couldnt bear seeing him being with another girl. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Why am i so stupid hahahahahahahaha! He cant be mine of course. It’s like a forbidden jutsu. Im just wishing ill find someone like him whom im very comfortable with. And i dont know where is this fucking guy! Lol. I should be in a relationship by now, planning our wedding, buying a house, building our dreams? It’s not that i question God’s timing. I was just wondering why is it taking so long to meet whoever is for me, and why am i crushing on someone who is impossible? My sister said i was never serious, also my best friend. So i therefore conclude that this too shall pass. But all im wishing is when i meet that someone, let it be like my set up with Rigel: im not afraid to be myself. 

Funny he had no idea about what i feel. Of course i would die not telling him. My best friend would kill me. And he views me as a sister. Let it be. I just hope this would fade quikly. Because i think that wont be the last time well be seeing each other. I hope my feelings are gone the next time. Why does he have to be so cute? Lololololololololololololol. I dont know. I just suddenly felt it. I want him to succeed and become a good man. I just hope my feelings are gone by the time he gets into a relationship because if that happens tomorrow, id probably have a heart attack. Im serious. Now all i have to do is believe in my superpower- im easy to fall and easy to forget. So i hope this is not as real as it seems. I hope this is just another crush. 

After posting this i am going to read this to validate if i had expressed my feelings correctly lmao

“Knock, knock/Who’s there?/Reality./Reality who?

i thought my mbti fever has subsided. well, no. i’ve been more interested in it because i t is my main tool in assessing human behavior. wtf? i think i have taken different versions for more than 20 times. (i actually lost count, that’s only estimation, duh lol) and while digging deeper into the descriptions i refuse to believe that i am an intp. so i tried answering cognitive functions tests:

i first dissected the descriptions from a thoughtcatalog article. it comes up when you search for a certain type confusion. (bravo for the seo!) my results were Ti Ni Fi Si. an intp should have a se instead.

second, i tried another cognitive functions test. it involved a little math that didn’t hurt. (arithmetic and percentage) and i have gotten more confused because My results (according to the percentage were Ni Ti Fi Ne) there. two active Intuitive dominant functions. of course i tried to compare the output with different orders of the dominant functions of the 16 types. the closest was an infj yet still it’s not. so i decided to use the xy axis to plot the possible answer. and compared it with the sequence of the output percentage so i had to do little arrangements. well im not good in math. i admit. it’s not a guessing thing. but i just have this strange problem solving skill which i can never explain to someone. but i have relied in it a couple of times. during math tests back in high school, college, i got the results right regardless of the knowledge of an equation. (some professors might have accused me of cheating. because i didnt write the step by step solution on how i have come up with the answer. lol). so i have two possible verdicts on the MBTI. it’s either there could be more possible types. (not only 16). Because if you would base  mainly on the basic test, it would categorize you as one of the 16 types. but like me, it didn’t fit one of the 16 types if i used the cognitive functions test. OR, i am plainly dumb in  english and in  understanding the cognitive function questions. lolololololol. i have a high respect for those who have started and developed this MBTI thing and you cannot just say: Sirs and Madams, i think you would have to add another categories for each type. for example. an intp could not only be a Ti Ne Si Fe. but could be a Ti Ni SI Fi. but since i am just a jobless occasionally obsessed nobody without the knowledge of its algorithms. i have nothing to back up my suggestions. lol. i am just waiting for myself to lose interest in mbti.my infj sister thinks i lost myself in this mbti thing.

third, i answered the old JUngian test and my type was: unkown. hahahahahahaha. Well, if i would base on mbti descriptions, i could be an intp. because im currently interested in mbti (i have familiarized myself with the other types– the types of people who are important to me. and some interesting test subjects who are less important to me). it’s better and way different than astrology. i do not regret studying astrology (it’s different from horoscopes). i don’t predict what will happen to an aries tomorrow. i just know the descriptions of an aries personality. lol) but hey, astrology is still interesting though. i guess i believe everything is connected. i verbalized my love for science and my wish to work in the field of physics, and my esfp brother just said, there are things that are certainly impossible to reach. i  thank my brother for the very wonderful support. lol. almost everything interests me. but not the game of thrones hype. lol. i have heard it’s a very nice series and almost everyone have gotten hooked to it. but not me. i dont know. i have reasons. 1.) slow internet connection. i could not download episodes. 2. i could not sit for an hour long watching something. (in case someone gave me copies of it|) i prefer 20 minute sitcoms such as the big bang theory. 3.) based on what i heard about GOT it has a little resemblance on my novel LOL but i dont see it as a threat. WHOA.  4.)i am busy. before someone will call me trying hard to be a genius/ frustrated scientist because of my interests. yeah, i read about theory of relativity and string theory in my leisure time. okay, i take it back. nobody knows i read them. because i read via phone. and nobody checks what im currently reading lol. another thing that interests me is religious beliefs. well i have an INTJ iFriend. did i just use iFriend? yes. an ifriend is someone you met via internet and the i could also mean interesting friend/ or same interest friend. LOL. he’s intelligent and have a great reasoning skills.

okay. back to reality. this monster keeps on knocking  at my door. i just peer thru the window and didnt notice anyone in there. because reality isn’t a person, i guess. i couldnt tell my loved ones that im happy to be with what i do at the moment. being an unproductive citizen and daughter in terms of financial aspects. LOL. again, i don’t know. Maybe because of the boring options on jobs. and if ever i landed a job it would only mean i just got in there out of luck and curiosity. i feel sad actually. facing the future. im just holding on to interesting things that will happen along the way. such as a new joke from a new co worker. hahahahahahaha. well again, i dont know. I am not a bad person but i just dont really feel in sync with reality. i will get a job someday. that’s what i said three months ago. lol. i feel sorry for my family while they feel sorry for me. hahahahahaha. i have to think of the time when reality was quite okay. by the way i used reality as a representation of what is really going on externally. the boring norm, and not what’s going on inside my head. because to some, reality is a perception of one’s own. a person with schizophrenia has a different reality perception same as those who are high on drugs. LOL. anyways. good luck to me. and if reality is equivalent as possibility, i might turn into an object one day, metaphorically.

Something

Again. Sorry for the wrong grammar. Lol. While i was typing the title of this blog i noticed that i shook my head. (Or is it was shaking my head) okay i already apologized for the grammatical errors of this post so please do continue and dont give a fuck. Lol. The reason i shook my head because this happened before. Many times. I couldn’t sleep because something’s bugging me. In my previous blogs i blamed it on caffeine. And yes, i had plenty of caffeine today. Lol. And i was supposed to edit my resume. I did edit my resume. I tried to put some art and then noticed the time 11:oo pm so i decided to sleep. Lol. Before that i had a battle. (Positivity versus negativity) in my mind. Lol. The funny thing is positivity won, so i didnt bother to edit my resume. (Tomorrow is a new day! Hurrah!) lol. But because i had caffeine overload i couldn’t sleep. If i had edited my resume it shouldve been ready for printing tomorrow. Lol. What a rubbish post. Hahahahahahaha! I dont know. If people like me. Will succeed. Hahahahaha. Crap! But if you will think about it, for example, you have a big exam on a certain subject, you didnt review because you didnt feel like doing it. And the next day your professor’s sick. So, no exam. Lol. I am not rationalizing my laziness. I think it’s just funny. Maybe ill get by with this attitude but no distinction in terms of success.  I am not against hard work. In fact i am surprised that i involuntarily worked hard in some phases of my life. (Whatever you call it! ) well i think this post is pointless for some. But meaningful for me. Meaningful because this is my outlet. After this post i will be fine and soon be in good working condition. I guess in life there’s plenty of stress. Stress that leads to overthinking then paranoia. If i were an HR i would never hire the author of this blog. Hahahahhahahaha! Because it seems that the writer is unfit for the job! How come there were employees that i know who passed the exam,etc but were unfit for the job? Dumb HR. I guess. Lol. Or palakasan. Oh dear. I think i shouldnt be too harsh on myself but sometimes i do this or a lot because i am fucking procrastinating all the time! Hahahahaha! I dont always work hard but when i do, i work til i lose my senses. Nice nice! Have you ever had enough time you had taken all the personality tests on google search’s pages 1-3 and still remember the questions? Yes! Lol. Name all the mbti/jung typology websites. Been taking them since i learned how to use the internet. Result? Intp. Always. They say that einstein’s an INTP. He’s my idol. And the only similarity that we have is we dont know/ want to drive. Lol. I havent tried it though. Anyways let me define my personal mbti result. Intp. Introspective Negative Thinking(over)Paranoid. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Perfect! Mind you, this is only an outlet. I call this therapy. Writing clears my mind. When the world has taken its toll on me(at least in my imagination) i write. At least i do not whine about love life! At this moment i remembered my crush. I call him mr sunshine! Because there are plenty of stars in the universe. Bigger, brighter, bolder, yet the sun is the only star that shines over the earth. Giving life! Wow! But he shouldnt be mr sunshine. Because the sun is in the perfect position. So it means he will never be mine lol. Or im not the earth. Im pluto. Hahahahahaha. I think im talking like crazy. I just remembered his face and i suddenly talked about the solar system. Well even i dont earn money from writing, i still consider myself as a writer. A writer is someone who creates something awful into something beautiful. Wait, isnt it called recycling? Lol. No thats garbage to something useful. But theyre kinda similar. And a writer exaggerates things. Like for example you read ” the sheets that hugged them produced heat… Sorry it sounds like sciencey. Lol. What i mean is authors can make sex like an art or something beautiful but the actual physical thing is it’s not. Its more of a funny and a little disgusting kind of thing. Hahahahaha! Well because writers focus on the beauty/ feeling rather than the bad things or unnecessary things. Okay enough of this shit. So it’s 1:20 am and how am i supposed to get up early and edit my resume? Lol. We’ll see! Hahahahaha

all’s swell that ends swell.

it’s been a while. i never thought that i’d be updating this blog since i was or should be busy. (excuse me for the wrong grammar.. thanks lol) while typing i can feel my right ring finger ache. well, in my last post i told you there’s an upcoming good news. it was the opposite. and i don’t want to tackle about my crush because i am paranoid that someone will find out who am i talking about. even my family doesn’t know about this blog. well no one knows that i have this blog. (hopefully). out of paranoia i removed the link of this blog from my old blog. lol. lololololol. and im not sure if writing here is a good thing. because i intended to review for my upcoming exam. hahahahahaha. maybe i have accepted the fact that i’m going to fail class. WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. i’ll just have to be prepared for the future. the irony of my blog title. this i-just-can’t-get-enough feeling of wanting to see myself fail again. i know what i want, yet i don’t push myself to the limits. because i don’t want to exhaust myself. i never changed. again, im still the person i knew ten years ago. i know people get tired of hearing me whine and complain—i am going to cut my reklamos muna. LOL. i got excited because Charlie Puth is coming to Manila! hahahahahaha! my mum is a big fan! okay enough of the drama. i live for the moment! and whatever we do in life…we shouldn’t blame it on others. so im going to update this blog soon. i will tell you how it feels to fail. and add another lapse to my ultimate dream. hahahahaha

You need to write….

Ive been repeating adele’s all i ask. I never intended to write but i guess this is my only outlet to feel better. I have been busy since i started school. And just looking at my saved sites i feel more stressed. Gui, oop, lol. What urged me to write? Well. First of all, thank heavens no one knows this blog. As bad as it may sound, i have to cope with people i don’t like. Yep. No, they didn’t Harm me. Its just (no apostrophes because its late and im dead tired) i dont like them. I tried to appreciate their good side but the feeling is just awkward. I can’t pretend and mask my annoyance in front of the people i dont like. You know the juciest part of my story? Well, i sort of like someone desperately. Yes, i know when i write something i want to happen– it will never happen. I dont know. Well maybe because i already gave up. Okay. So i tried every possible way to be  with that person, and i did without being too obvious. But his circle, well…. Theyre The people who annoy me. 😂😂😂. Very funny. Well i guess its better to forget all about it.  Maybe the passion i felt for him wasnt enough so i decided to back out. Well honestly there are other options. But my pride said, why not focus on the things you like alone. You dont need to compete, nor pretend. Yet at the back of mind it sounds quite challenging. I already weighed the consequences though. I dont wanna be separated with my lovely friends. Spending time with him will lessen my good times with friends. It would also cost me money. Aaand time. I live far from their location. I feel strange because their concept- is what i have been daydreaming these past few weeks. So i guess ill just have to work alone. Focus on my stories. Play videogames. ALONE. Imagine the stress it caused me? Lots of caffeine and nicotine. So i just have to accept that this plan wouldnt work. And move on. I feel embarrassed. I think God just shook his head again and said, my dear daughter. Youre still inconsistent. Lol. So i guess i will leave it up to him. Anyways theres still one thing im consistent about. My projects. Lol. My videogame/ animation. I just have to be careful about the outside stimuli. I better check if theyre an inspiration or distraction. I feel like im just a high school student. Lol. Well lets see tomorrow. Im not sure if i would write an update. I just hope i dont act… Oops. Satan is waiting. Sorry satan. You wont win this time. Lol. Its now 12:03. Lol. If i didnt wake up early i wont go to school. Btw im not sure if id pass my subjects. Oh dear. Im still the person i knew ten years ago. Whahahahahahahahaahah.