it’s okay to be a nobody before becoming somebody

this new UI is quite confusing it took me 5 mins to find the “write a new post” lol

So again I’m here because Im waiting for my phone to get fully charged. I tried to clean up the clutter from our small table and of course I failed lol. I was just amazed that I have a co-worker that have adhd. but the thing is, were the complete opposite. He’s the most competitive in our batch. I based his competitiveness on the stars of course because he’s a scorpio. Lol. Little did i know he has adhd and was diagnosed when he was just a kid. So there goes the judgement of the people. They find him weird and just wants to be at the top, on the top? Whatever lol. I was wondering if he could be hyperfocused and hyperproductive at work, then why cant i? meh, i might ask him how he does it maybe its on his star sign hahahahaha! There are really some people that wherever they are, they kinda excel in what they do. Because of their drive. So my plan tomorrow is to play pretend again. I hope i dont forget. I will pretend that im a scorpio and i will surpass everyone’s productivity tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHA! I hope i wont forget this! So this is also a memory test, and a mood test! I do remember things but when i dont feel like doing it i just let it go. Lol. And also i have an alarm at 12:45 am because my daughter has a fever and i need to give her paracetamol.

okay. Back to the title. This coworker of mine is somebody. And i am the nobody. He just reminded me of the ILLUSION (i call it snd capsed it– yes there is no such word as capsed. Capsed locked it! Lol) because it hasnt happened yet! That full potential! My dream job! I mean i dont know what my dream job is yet! Lol! So there goes the problem! How do you chase a dream when you dont even know what your dream is! Before writing on this blog, i prayed to God that if i cant be good or the best at anything, then help me become the best mother for my daughter. At last I prayed for something specific while looking at the white wall in our bedroom. I even asked for forgiveness (this is kinda super duper personal but i dont mind, nobody knows my real persona hahahaha) because when I pray, i forget that im praying, and i get lost my own thoughts.

although i havent said thank you to the people who treated me like normal and not neurodivergent, well bless them. But sometimes it’s frustrating- no most of the time. Even my partner doesnt understand what is on my mind. He doesnt research about adhd. Anyways discussing my lovelife here is difficult to translate in english lol. So i forgot and then suddenly remembered it!

when i was in london i had a penpal or email pal and i completely forgotten about him until i went back home. Funny thing is, i suddenly remembered him after 5 years and reviewed my old mail. Twas my fault i forgot to reply to his email lol. To some people its just random forgetfulness but i mean this person was remarkable! He’s cute, intelligent. I wonder how is he now! But i think i have forgotten my email that i used to email him lol.

i remembered of just getting tired about adhd people getting tagged as it’s not something to worry about. Like my sister who says Michael Jordan has adhd. Well i dony know mj personally and i havent researched about his struggles before becoming a nba player. All i know is all my life ive been struggling because even though that im smart, i always get left behind! So The question is, will i ever be good at anything, or incredibly great at something? Aside from washing the dishes lol. So im waiting for that “destiny is calling” because all lines are busy now! Lol. Will i become i great writer? Or an animator or should i come back as an app developer ( the course i paid and failed lol) well i have an appointment with my Dr on one of my day offs. I wont pressure myself on knowing what career would i really like to pursue because i still have lots of ideas to the point that i have no idea on those ideas! Hahahahahaha! But im serious about my prayers! Meanwhile i hope i remember my play pretend tomorrow! I just sometimes get that feeling that there is something missing! What about nursing? Well i loved working at the ER but i i guess er is just a phase. I love working at the hospital but the people/ management are so annoying! So working from home is kinda breath of fresh air.

so i hope if anyone who reads this and have the same mind as me, dont lose hope! Who knows because were good at getting lost, destiny might find us in the right place and the right time (because we got lost! Lol)

What do you do when you’re in love? Me: wait for it to fade.

I planned to write on my story yesterday and i had the time the whole day today yet i haven’t started anything. Nothing has changed. We had a discussion at home about the old problems, the root of all the problems which destroyed the potential progress in terms of financial matters. Misunderstandings occured and eventually i have cleared myself for saying something i didn’t mean. But the discussion caused me to realize something: No one saves you except yourself. The power should be within you, not from others. In contrast with how i understand the world: we were designed to lack something, so that someone else would fill the holes. Im talking about life in general. It’s what the deity wants. To help each other: to love one another. Well my realization isn’t off course (pardon for the wrong grammar) because i was talking about fulfilling your grand purpose. We may have different purposes or calling. I should say we need not to consult others on how you’re going to do it. Or we may consult others’ perspectives and if it doesnt align with how you want to do it, then drop it. 

My lifelong burden has been causing me too much trouble. If i would present all the lines i used in my previous blogs, it would represent a circle.  I would try my best to define my problems. I hope i could do it. I still think i have add. Ive got poor memory when it comes to important things. Maybe that’s the reason i am stagnated. 

Now i forgot everything. Lmao. Okay then i remembered:

1. Focus. I cannot focus on my ultimate goal. Adversity isn’t a factor to hinder your goals. It might cause delays, but perseverance is the greatest evidence that will shun the universe to give it to you. 

2. I trust myself too much i procrastinate. To describe this superpower of mine i declare that i have a vision. This vision contradicts the power to act upon what you see. It is considered as nothing. Because having a vision without doing anything is just a vision. To prove my vision, i told my best friend 18 years ago that i dont need to wish for cars because i know i will have one soon. 2016 i bought an old jeep. It’s not a car but at least i didn’t do anything about it. I mean didnt persevere for the sake of having a vehicle. Lol. 

3. I see the world as a cruel place, because of other people’s way of thinking. It is written in the bible that the world’s worldly actions will worsen as time goes by. Can we do something about it? Maybe no. But we can choose not to be involved at least. 

4. I trust myself too much i come up to conclusions which cannot be changed. This is related to number two. This is the negative vision lol. Sometimes consequences dont matter as long as i have predicted it. It gives me the sense of power that i knew something. Or avoid something never knowing what’s gonna really happen because of the negative vision. The results are probably (i used the word probably because im certain that it wont do me any good) missed opporunities. I didnt take paths which im fucking certain are meaningless but it could mean that im just a fucking coward trying to escape the real outcome. I remember the wuote from heisenberg that the path continues to move when we observe it: something like that. Of course it’s physics but i try to connect it with life. 

5. When i truly love something, i become silent. I dont do anything. I dont shout it to the world i keep it. Because of cowardice and numbers 1-4. I have this stupid conclusion if what’s gonna happen. It comes with overthinking. 

There’s more but im tired to think of them really. The worst enemy is your self. Of course it may not be applied to others, like soldiers. Lol. And my conclusion to this post is to do something about my goals. Even the cigarettes dont help at the moment. Again i might just be procrastinating, writing about things that are not really problems. It might cause me a lot of burden but not to the people around me. They have their own problems. 

Staying silent, as ive said. I was judging Rigel without his knowing. I miss him a lot. And it felt like im the only one doing things to communicate or be with him. Thinking that he’s fine without me makes me feel sad and motivated to move on. I dont know but i havent said it to anyone how i felt. I dont know if i love him. Maybe i do. The set up we have isnt enough to say the things i want to say. Dont get me wrong. I will never declare my feelings for him. It’s just random research on how his mind works. Being with him makes things easy. Reality-wise. Easier and happier. And i have concluded that this person would make my days better until i die. Funny because he knows nothing. Lol. Sometimes he gives the hints that he kinda understands me. But most of the time his words came from a practical approach. The tangible things, the real-world things. So currently he is my object of study. But im avoiding it. I guess im justifying that i was wrong about my happy ever after conclusion lol. If he’s ordinary (a typical turn off for me. ) then why do i still not change my mind about him. Him getting into a relationship would destroy me. But im not afraid. Or still am, but these things i entrust to the divine. Lol. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) feelings fade. And im just waiting for it, as the title says.

Testing the waters

So im writing again via phone. Another evidence that i couldn’t contain my current standing in the game of life lol. Sometimes i feel guilty for sharing my blog to someone i know because they might accuse me of being a weakling or being ungrateful. I dont give a fuck anyways. This is my trash bin and it’s obviously metaphorical. I couldn’t write via laptop because our computer is in the living room, it feels uncomfortable writing something even if they dont look at what i am doing. That’s another reason why i couldn’t continue my next episode. 

Im just here to tackle about actions and consequences. You enter a situation, and you are aware of what’s gonna happen. There’s a bonus: that’s when you dont expect something which will happen. I usually predict things as i enter a new setting. So it happened. Job wants me to conform. And i dont want to. Lol. I havent googled the exact meaning of conformity. But i think im on the right track lol. I know the solution: try to conform even if it clashes with your principles. I have written this before. I was just reminded again because i didnt conform to them. Lol. Now another solution is: play pretend. And find something that im gonna think about to shun away the real issue. That’s what i did. Or that’s what i always do. Don’t get me wrong. I am very good, at least in what i do, except the sales shit. Now im thinking what’s it like if im gonna be a parent. Maybe i’ll conform to them just to feed little mouths. A perfect excuse for someone who needed escape, and a perfect example of hard work and inspiration for real parents. 

Im not being smug here. Actually i feel bad for not having the kind of thinking most people have. Conforming to society, going with the flow, not thinking of harming others or violating one’s principles. 

So this post is an evidence that there’s an event in my life (actually the whole blog) that i might just laugh about someday. So the solution i have thought is to see a clairvoyant. My actual reason is to TEST his ability. I predict the future too. I am very curious about his talents. If ever he says something bad or i dont like, well or he might not show up due to a certain incident, or we wont show up because something happened. I cant help but imagine things: everything that could possibly happen- this, my friend, i believe, is a Ne- dominant trait. Lol. But it kinda excites me. It’s something i look forward to— some reason to at least bear the stress my work is causing me. 

I am also thinking that my dream job is still away. But not as far as from ten years ago. Still, a small progress is still a progress. The thing is, im going to unravel the mystery of the clairvoyant with Rigel. Who happened to be interested in knowing the future. That’s why im also anxious about what will happen. I think we’re the same. To be together in one place is inevitable. We do things for a purpose. I dont think this is an excuse just to be with his company. I think he became a medium on extracting what i needed to know to fight in my own game of life. I mean a medium could be anyone. But it happened to be him. No emotions involved. Just plain purpose. I told you i dont let emotions win. It’s just a bonus i happen to be with someone whom im comfortable with. But i still find it strange. But if being with him has a price, i wouldn’t thank him (i did) but i shouldve thanked his purpose. Same with me. I had a purpose seeing him. I needed data for my ultimate dream. Imagine what would happen in the future. If i reached my ultimate dream, maybe he’s married then with kids. I don’t know. Still testing the waters like watching his every move for me to dismiss what i have concluded in my past posts. 

Exciting isn’t it? We’ll see what happens. 

Boring reality

I was supposed to write something about my thoughts on marriage but i think i would leave that for now. I realized that i shouldn’t post often on facebook, since nobody really feels for me. I even avoided chatting on messenger unless it’s urgent.

I am about to finish the k drama Goblin which is the best i have watched so far. I don’t know. Even if i still don’t know the ending, i really can’t contain my feelings. Well at least i told my best friend about what i feel. I don’t know if i’m in love with the series lol but everything is just perfect. The whole story, the lines, the clothes they wear, the places where it was shot, i couldn’t find a single error. And the thing is, i am not really into drama. But i find myself crying in some episodes. To be honest i don’t know why. But i could relate to each character except Park Joong the effin demon ghost lol. They say that when you like something, it’s because you could relate to it. It might have happened to you that’s why it gets you. But not all cases of course. Well maybe because Goblin is really good you don’t need to relate yourself when you watch it. Lol. It’s just funny seeing Eun Tak having a handful of lighters to summon Kim Shin, well i have two lighters (originally three, my brother took one) because i thought i lost my lighter. Sadly i only summon the smoke of a cigarette when i feel like stressed and when i have rushing thoughts that i feel like chasing. I also remember the red scarf- my favourite one. It’s actually red and white but of course when i wear it i choose the red part. I remember the good old days in London. I remember the different seasons when i was abroad that’s why i enjoy watching Goblin. With regards to the story, it was well- written. Yes it’s full of torments but it’s nice. It’s a question of will and fate. Another interesting part of life.

I know these sorts of entertainment are man-made but the timing and the message could be the Deity’s will- or probably fate? I don’t know. Or it’s hard to explain. I myself write stories based on my ideas which has a hidden message on coping with reality. Of course it’s not set in reality but the core of the story is about the struggle of a human being in coping with it. It’s completely the same. So now im wondering when other people watch k dramas or a good movie, is it merely “it entertained me, i enjoyed it” feeling? Maybe some. But i like to look at the moral of the story. In everything. Even in a small incident, i like to connect it with the question what have i learned from it? Is it useful in the future? This neverending learning process goes on. And i don’t know if i could gather them and write it down in one book. Of course acting upon what u have learned is one evidence, even the slightest feeling of hope when you’re down is another evidence. But i want to collect them and maybe pass it on others by fate at least. By random.

I sometimes think that where would my stories go? I dont share it with most people because i know it’s boring to read something when you could watch lots of series online. That’s why i really want to make it a reality. Even if i end up doing it alone- i know it might take me a couple of decades since im a distracted person. And this distraction sometimes lead me to negative thinking. But believe me, im always positive. It feels like im immortal (another thing that i strangely relate to Kim shin-maybe because i have watched my loved ones evolve and lost some of them) lol. I always pray to God to guide me in the right path. When i say im distracted im serious about it. But these distractions —might have something to do in creating something. Something that would sync with the perfect timing.

This will sound strange but my timing is quite different from other people. I know we have different timings because we’re different lmao but what im saying is, like for my age and the likes most people have found their love and focus on building a family, as well as building their careers and all. That’s what i meant. Sometimes or i question myself often, did i really pass the time? Was it my fault? If i wasn’t distracted should have i been successful? Sometimes i forget that im mortal. Really. Man i think i watch too much afterlife shits lol. Or maybe i got to watch them to remind me that life is short so i must get going.

Now im hungry. Lolololololol. This is the boring and sad part of reality. That im very far from achieving my dreams because im broke and distracted. But im doing something about it. Im not the type of person to use someone like marry a rich man or trick people to earn money. I could do that but i choose not to. Because it’s against my values. I like everything done in a good way. That’s what i have learned in life. I hope i have said what i want. I still have lots of thoughts but my priority is sleep. Lol.

And practicing not talking about 75 percent of what’s on my mind or who’s on my mind. This too shall pass.

Everything happens for a reason

Hello! I was supposed to write on my project today but i procrastinated lol. That’s fine because i still remember my idea— after church i got this idea of a new story. Something related to Rigel. Lol. This idea came up suddenly because i liked Rigel so much, i might be able to preserve the good times we had with a twist. You know nobody knows what’s gonna happen in the future— so if id written a story about us we could have a happy ending. At least in one of my stories. Sad, isnt it? Just like Annie Hall. I love that movie. But i still couldnt find the perfect introduction or first episode. My ideas are all scattered in my brain’s dimension. 

I went back to his empire yesterday. Of course i had reasons. When i was at home i thought my feelings were gone because i wasnt excited to go there. I went to his empire around five pm. And i played with the kids. I really had a good time with them. Being with the kids taught me something about myself. That im learning to be sociable? Lol. I dont know. I never let anyone invade my personal space— i used to hate kids. I hate a lot of people. I avoid people. But these kids changed me. Last month gave me the hint that hey, i could be a generous aunt. I loved them and thought about giving them gifts on Christmas. Well i never really give gifts on Christmas except for my family. Or compulsary gift giving. But during my days abroad even if my roommates gave me gifts i never reciprocated them. Lol. Because im one stingy old hag hahahahahahahaha. Anyways these kids made me realize that i have a heart. Lmao. And really my best friend’s family feels like my own. And yesterday was perfect. I also realized that my interests— well im also a kid at heart lol. Ive had plenty of experiences especially with all kinds of people. I have mingled with them to observe and validate my life long study about human behavior- to fully understand relationships. Because i admit that im not very good in dealing with people. I have my own world and it’s unusual if i enjoyed something outside it. I used to loathe reality. Because i never understood it. I am more focused in spirit, i also read and study a lot about life and its essence because frankly worldly acts dont appeal to me. Ive tried them but i just dont see its value. To me it’s pointless.

 I have viewed reality as a sickening place. People getting worse in creating more chaos. It all starts in one family. Because no parent is perfect and the passing of the usual norms and traditions (not all kinds of course) create impact on the younger people. And it’s up to one person how to act upon it. We have our own paths to take and based on  judgement or perception you create your character or defense mechanisms through life. As the title says everything happens for a reason- people who understood and learn from all kinds of pain would survive and pass it on the next generation. But again the chaos of reality is inevitable because not all people will fully understand its meaning. And as a man of reason, even though logic has a high chance of solving problems, we must not forget that we are not computers- we are all human and the greatest thing God has taught us is to love. 

I was supposed to be talking about Rigel lol but nah i just want to write down everything i can think of. I know i couldnt pass writing on ielts if i write like this lol. But my conclusion after these scattered thoughts i can do this! I can write my conclusion down: here it goes. The simple time i have spent with the kids is a fresh splash of reality: A good reminder that reality isn’t bad at all. It made me stronger and inspired me that my world shouldnt revolve around my fantasies. ( i have two kinds of fantasies- one that i know would never happen and the other one: theres something i could do about it lol) 

AND THIS KIND OF REALITY MADE A PORTAL MY OTHER KIND OF FANTASY. I cant believe theyre connected lol. It’s hard to explain it but i think i am on the right track. 

So God let me and Rigel communicate to remind me to pursue my dreams. And to enjoy life at the same time. 

The not so good part of this post is, okay i am trying to control my greatest skill, overthinking lol. Sis and mum have warned me not to do it in every situation. But for me i dont call it overthinking. It’s more of a preparation of reactions and feelings over a set of possibilities 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Okay overthinking isnt good actually. Because Rigel is leaving soon. Imagining him leaving everyday makes me sad but it’s one of my techniques to let out pieces of emotion so by the actual time he leaves i have ran out of feelings 😂😂😂😂😂😂. It’s kind of weird if WOUld still feel sad on the day he’d leave, because it’s for the better. I never cried when i parted ways with friends because i know they would be in a better place ( no, im not talking about heaven lololololololol) i meant better opportunities so im happy for them. But as for rigel i feel sad regarding the potential time. Because i think he’s the one i rarely one to spend my time with— other than family or close friends. Shit! I will surely miss him. What the fuck is this? Lol. Maybe because he’s into technology and he fuels my desire to pursue my goals. But man i admit i am quite confused. I have plenty of reasons why i like him. 
I dont wanna state all the details being with him because i wasnt focused on him when i was there. I just couldnt bear the thought- wait. I think i could manage without him. Lol. I have reasons why. But i admit life is better when i spend time with him. 

So much for this. I need to sleep. Lol

i might not know what i like but at least i know what i dislike.

no, this isn’t about facebook. I just thought of the title last night. It’s a long term problem of mine that put me into trouble, the thought that “anything” would be alright. I made decisions quickly because anything is okay. Like picking a college degree. I always wanted to work in animation, but since we’re not rich i chose something which is practical. Now i’m stuck in a rut because it’s just an okay course. no passion. no fun. but i always looked at the brighter side. i always give something a chance. that life couldn’t be that bad at all. There is always something good in every thing even if you don’t particularly like something.

now the trouble is, i couldn’t pursue animation at the moment. I almost had the chance, yet i was blinded by the alternative option to enter the university i used to love. technically it was a waste of money. I have learned my lesson the hard way. sometimes i just wanted to disappear or turn into dust because after all, the important thing is you lived your life with kindness. Supposed that i am already kind. but in reality kindness wont keep you alive. You need to have a job– because my main problem is money, i still couldn’t pursue animation./ because i would have to study again and i have no funds for that. i am going back to a practical approach. applying for something that i have no feelings for. i dislike to be unproductive so i have to chase after the things which have no appeal to me. i don’t dislike them but i don’t like them either.

the neutrality of my feelings about certain things kind of  categorize me into a non- ambitious creature. Someone who is okay with anything, someone who does what is necessary. Someone who tries to be practical and moves like a robot- with a certain program inserted at the center of his brain: be productive. help your family. So every day I wake up, search for job which has no appeal to me. it doesn’t excite me and all i ever wanted is to get hired. To some it may sound  miserable. it’s like marrying someone you don’t love– but only for the purpose of having a purpose.

I am someone who just floats around life. swimming with the current- contrary to what most quotes would say: that you must follow your passion. At the moment i have no passion for anything. i would  move blindly for the sake of productivity- and my dream, i am lucky enough if i still remembered it after the years of passionless movements in every day life. If it is still with me, then we’re meant to be together. The question is, would i take it with me when i die, or plant it somewhere where it can grow and at least be found by someone who can nurture it?

why do i exist?

the last time i posted i was feeling down, and after i cleaned the house while thinking of the matter, i felt ok. lol. what a weirdo.i can’t imagine a world without internet. because everything you want to search is just one click away, it is a great opportunity for finding answers and sharing what you want to share. this is a good opportunity for your voice to be heard. i’m not talking about MAINSTREAM or popularity because some people are so blind and technically out of touch about the real problems of the world. My mbti fever has subsided. come to think of it, one test cannot really describe a person because each person is unique. some may be true but the insights provided cannot dictate or help you get along with the changing world. Just like astrology, you cannot define a person’s destiny by looking at the planetary alignment, even if you know your birth time. lol.

since i was a child i have this strange passion for discovering the mysterious. and today i just read the theory of relativity–for kids lol. Thank God for Einstein. and the other guy who wasn’t as famous as him. LOL. Since it’s difficult for me to EXPRESS WHAT I WANT TO SAY, i made them in caps so i won’t get lost when i forget another topic in my mind. and of course i will try to point out what i wanna say and it seems that i forgot it already. lemme drink a glass of water first. lol. okay im back. alright, while trying to remember the topic in my head i will just skip to write about my lack of focus and forgetfulness. Sometimes i wished i focused and got involved with mathematics and physics. or any other sciences. my first course’s science- related, and the second one math/ logic related. not bad. but what’s happening in our life– we must be aware that we cannot control some things. (like this phrase. it’s been said and written and published and has been put into quotes and shared on facebook) and sometimes we have these things and it makes us suffer. whether it’s a severe acne problem, big bone structure, getting molested when younger, disabilities, congenital sickness. whatever our problem is, it all boils down in our personal kettles. we suffer. that’s why we find comfort with people who have had them or currently has them. (i have a pizza faced friend whom i tease because of his acne– okay i wasnt being mean. he’s also mean to me lol. in this case i don’t say that people with acne is okay to hang out with acne-filled people. it will seem funny to others who sees them) pointless. lol. so what im trying to say is, at least if you can do something, try to find some ways which will help you cope with it better.people need people. in contrary to what i’ve been trying to say to myself. but that’s the truth. we were not born to live alone.

another thing is the struggle of finding what ticks you and you’ve gotten into troubles looking for it. or recognizing what you wanna do yet it feels it’s light years away from you.   Simple. don’t give up. (another words of encouragement we’ve always heard or read before) so, suppose i have found my true niche, which is my writing fantasy stories which, as of now, doesnt earn me money. even if im happy to write or read them alone, it still feels better when someone else reads it and comments on how great your work is! The problem with me is my laziness and my distracted personality. i sometimes tell myself, it’s alright, maybe im just one of the ordinary people who dream less, and be okay as long as we have a job, eat three times a day..

now i dont think im making sense of what i want to say. hahahahahahaha. okay the last paragraph, i want to say that i want to find an alternative way and disregard my fantasy story. lol. sometimes i really feel like i want to get into research about mental illness, and behavioral problems. i occasionally read articles printed by science and their findings seems cloudy to me. wtf? a loser writer commenting on the findings of researchers. im sorry, i want to help. but let the greater minds do their works as they please. hahahahahahaha.

 

now i think this blog seems like a draft to me. scattered. disorganized, whatever. my thoughts are chaotic, the world is chaotic. whatever ticks you, remember this life is a gift. i never wanted to be born, but here i am, blogging. maybe still skeptical about my purpose or true niche, but in case i am already there, there’s one thing that i must remember. (ive heard this all before) i must do things in love– to give back to the gift i have been given. and that’s being born. i maybe a jobless douche today but i shouldnt be stuck with what i am now. the important thing is, no matter who you are, you must make your existence meaningful. even on little things. it matters. at least, whatever you do, if it’s for the good of the world, it does help.  is this another excuse why i am or will never be successful in writing? lol. all i know for today, is im excited about the next chapter of my story.. and i have two readers, which is all good at the moment. lol

 

My journey as an INTP

The title obviously indicates that i am still hooked with MBTI. LOL.  I rested my eyes because i have been on the computer for three hours, randomly taking personality tests. My intention was to apply for a certain job. and to blog. lol. and i spent the entire three hours validating my myers briggs. lol. a few days ago i planned to write something emotional, something that has significant meaning in my life. but i dunno why i didn’t write them lol. i’ve also been thinking about , well i actually forgot it just now. Sorry. LOL. too many LOL’s eh? but this afternoon while having my lunch i felt like crying. it is kind of strange when i don’t enjoy eating because I love to eat. i like my food served hot. But today i didn’t bother what kind of food i was going to eat. i just ate what’s in the table. and it’s not actually edible. hahahahaha. just kidding. i did have a cold drink. that’s my technique when i dont like the food. a soda would do. my eyes are still hurting from the smoke from my cigarettes. and my nose too. from the smell of the mosquito coil beside me.
i decided to write because i still don’t know what to do with my life. my mom just asked me what i am doing because i’m busy. wow. busy. big word. lol. that’s because i missed my daily routine which is doing the daily chores. i don’t want to whine to her about my fucked up resume and my old age. lol. and could you imagine i haven’t looked at the mirror for days. if i were a guy i’d be having a 5-inch beard by now. lol. it’s obvious that i am not into taking care of my physical appearance. it’s not my priority. at the age of thirty i look like mother of five. lol. i refrained from smoking too much. and the cigarette shortage might bring me into panic attack. i want to escape for a while. i wanted to die for a few days. and come back to life with a magnificent job offer in front of me. that’s not how life works. here i am, doing nothing but writing. when i log out i might sleep after cleaning. or continue my flop series. sounds depressing isn’t it? btw, i do believe in dream interpretations, and i dreamed about interpreting numbers i have dreamed of, then a puddle of water inside the house – meaning poor spiritual connection. i do pray every day but i admit i often talk to myself while i’m talking to God, that i forget i am actually praying, and then i apologize. i looked at the small electric fan and thought that it’s blowing air on the other direction than me. lol. anyways, let me tell you a story. lol.

when i was younger i was subconsciously in search for the absolute truth, regardless of knowledge on the MBTI. lol. i actually made up my own personality types. it’s about the two-letter type. the S and O. the first letter symbolizes your view of yourself as a human being. and the other letter on how you view the others. S stands for subjective, and O for objective. The details are written in my small diary which i don’t know where it is. lol. and some of the details were written on myspace. Yup, and i was a typical loser on myspace. no friends. maybe about 4? hahahahahaha. so i therefore conclude that i am interested in how the human mind works, in terms of relationships. That’s why i got inclined to different personality types, as well as astrology. i tend to look on the theoretical aspect of dealing with these monsters, i mean people who are difficult to understand. it only gave me stress. and missed a lot of points, because i was dealing on the crappy objective side of the person and not the actual person. LOL. so if i would use my personal personality type, I’d b an OO. objective-object. hahahahahaha. i see myself and the others as test samples in conducting my personality profile test. when i got to college i was thrilled with Philosophy, that’s when i met the fountainhead. a book which inspired me to study. i hate studying. so what i did was, i cannot touch the fountainhead if i didn’t read a chapter of my textbook. hahahaha. i was also interested in communism. and i had the idea of the believer communist. a communist who believes in God. hahahaha. nope. i never got to read marx’s book. i also produced some quotes which competes for the absolute truth quote. a quote which has no flaw. i think it’s written in some of my diaries. and maybe it has a flaw. the grammar. lolololololol. My favourite quote which i made is: the best thing about being a Christian is the end. at first, it sounds depressing but for a believer, what matters is the end, if you stick to what you believe in. Religious discussions deserve another blog. And you just can’t prove something you don’t see, right? so let’s just leave it here. lol. and back in high school (i write in a disorganized manner. i have trouble in sequence) i made up a secret alphabet (i still remember how to write them lol ) i showed it to my best friend and she was happy about it. lol. but someone with a high IQ could easily figure them out. because of the pattern. I made it easy actually because i, myself am forgetful as fuck. lololololol.

now let’s go back to the present. while some people invested money on travel and material things, i did invest on education which lead me nowhere hahahahaha. nah. i dunno because i haven’t used it myself. i was mad as hell when a friend pointed out that i took up the course because of money. i wanted to kill that friend in one blow. the point is, why didn’t i kill the friend? because there’s no point in convincing one person when he/she is blinded by his/her own view. if i wanted money i’ll have money. hahahaha. you can’t convince people not to love money. and that is one of the world’s problems. we cannot do anything about it. I have been to an international church and saw people cry out to God, raising hands and praising and these hands wear expensive watches. if you would look at the floor you will see expensive bags. and their dresses, expensive brands. lol. maybe they think God gives them material blessings. nevermind them. people love branded stuff. my opinion on that is brands dont matter as long as you like the item. lol. the other thing i dont understand is the neverending cycle of quarelling couples when there’s actually a solution. okay. no judgement here. they say a good adviser is a failure in advising themselves. let’s take that back. hahahahaha. so why venture in a relationship when you see the potential problems. i used to hope that someone would save me from this harsh material-loving world. someone who would undesrtand me and do things for me (because i am always inside my thoughts i am completely detached with reality) or someone who will inspire me to live in reality. being unemployed for years made me realize that i dont need that someone. lololololololol. since i don’t pay attention to my physical appearance, i have zero chances on winning a date. fine with me. and if someone made an attempt i would bombard that person with ten mbti tests and will think im crazy. lol. i’ve seen the future, believe me. and since i am objective that poor person would only become a bitter test sample and leave. hahahahahaha. am i wrong on how i treat people? well i have a best friend whom i love so much and i think i kind of emotionally support her. how did that happen? because she said she needs it. and i know the meaning of the word emotional. lol. most friends complained that i was’t there when they needed it. i just told them you should have told me and i would have given it to you. whahahahahahahahaha.

besides from being a bum and the careless depressive state of mind, i never stopped writing on my crappy work. i am afraid that one day i’ll just break down and cry in the most unexpected place. well the place is expected. because i dont go out. i refrained myself from talking to some people. well i remembered i know someone who’s an intp. but we don’t click. and it seemed as he doesnt have a problem. same with me. i laugh a lot and like to joke around. and one of my professors have told me i dont know anything about being serious. alright. so it’s quite true that im an intp (with possible add ) and i am still in search for the ultimate truth. or a place where i can exercise my brain. too bad if this is the place. sometimes voices tell me that i should learn a certain programming language. ( i took a seven deadly sins test and i got sloth hahahahahahaha) and if i failed at finding that maybe this is the ultimate truth. that im a loser forever and ever. lol

a movie/self review

I am about to start writing on my series which is on its third season. I made a little note  about the details of my characters’ super powers. because it is intended to be a video game. but here i am, blogging. WHy? Simple. I am distracted. lol. Yesterday I was invited by my friend to watch suicide squad. since it was his treat, i didn’t mind what are we going to watch. lol. yet i still suggested before to try a local film. SO he commented that i should be a movie buff and watch marvel stuff etc because guys love movies. Alright, at first i had no interest in the movie but after watching it, it seemed like i was more drawn to the movie than my friend. I wanted to discuss the effects and the characters’ situation but he didn’t give me go signal based on how he reacted. SO i just kept the comments inside my mind. Therefore, i have plenty of reasons to love suicide squad. Mind you, i rarely post something earthy. i dont know the exact word for it. Mainstream? things which normal people love. lol. I am usually focused on my thoughts, my works, my broken self lol. Yeah but i loved the movie and thank him for the opportunity. i didnt say thanks to him by the way lol. First, the enchantress’ powers looked like one of my villain’s SUPER attack. but way different in color, radius and effects. lol. and i love villains by the way. I was controlling myself from crying while watching (not the emotional dialogues) i dunno. the effects? the fight scenes? lol. maybe because i feel like a villain myself (but i am a good citizen. a good jobless citizen) And, one of my interests before watching the movie is, if, someone can surpass Health Ledger’s portrayal of the JOker. And so, Jared Leto did a very good job. HANDS DOWN! he’s my favourite joker now. LOL. I am just happy i got the chance to watch something that inspired me to do better in writing my series. i won’t deny that my heart and mind is really into creating video games.I mean it sounds impossible. But come on. nothing is impossible as long as you don’t stop working hard to achieve it. So maybe i should explore the physical world to get ideas, to compare etc, because the field i have chosen is user- interface related. lol. it involves graphics. oh dear. it just feels weird a movie has caught my interest.

and since my favourite topic is myself, lol. I realized that being an INTP (yup i still have this MBTI Hangover) and based on personal observation and comments from people i know, that i really dont pay attention to my outward appearance. im not ugly, but i am not appealing anymore (unlike ten yrs ago lol). i also miss people’s feelings. i miss the fun as well. because i am only focused on my stories. and my thoughts. I will give you an example about how lost i am when i’m in my thoughts. The Philippines is a tropical country right? Ive lived in a cold country for five years and when i got home i didn’t mind the scorching heat. Because i was busy thinking. LOL. when i stopped thinking i felt the sun’s rays and then i wondered what’s the temperature in degrees? lol. i am a good observer but i really do get lost in my thoughts. Anyways, i also have pondered about not getting married or having a family. I have reasons (might as well overthinking results). i might turn my kids into monsters. lol. I had difficulty in dealing with people when i was young (and yup my family had no idea about this) i might become a dictator and push my kids to pursue science and math. and it wont hurt to do some sports. lolololol. enough of that. at the moment i am not interested in love. the so called one great love? nahh. im in love with what i do. writing. and i think i have a little crush on Jared leto. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. so if i have the time, i am going to watch some of his movies. to see if i really have a crush on him. because if i dont find him amusing in his other roles, it means i have a crush on Joker. lol.

P.S. i saw on Youtube that he is possibly an INTJ lol.

if this ain’t depression, then i don’t know what it is

i actually don’t know where to start. i have tried to distance myself from chatting with some of my friends. and i had to turn off my phone and tablet’s wifi connection just to post on this blog. while everyone is keeping busy with their lives, here i am, just blogging. i have a deadline to beat, yet i haven’t done anything. i was given two weeks. and today the second week started. lol. but it’s not funny. i’ve had this feeling for months now, yet hoping that after this, it might bring me some motivation to leave this stagnation. Have you ever felt worthless yet you don’t do anything to become worthy? That’s it. my mind is working. im always thinking what should i  do with my life. i haven’t considered working too. crap! i feel lost. i just want to disappear. but that’s selfishness.what about my family? maybe i am too comfortable with my lifestyle that i dont want to face reality. the reality that i need to get a job and establish myself because im not getting any younger. im a believer of hard work– because i’ve heard lots of inspirational stories (real-life) that in order to succeed, you need to work hard for it. so let them succeed. LOL. i am not trying to be funny but here i am. stating  the fact that i am a fucking piece of shit in the universe. i’ve read this before. in my own blog. like six years ago. not the fucking piece of shit thing. at least at that time i had a job. good thing my friends dont know about this blog. i want to tell them what i really feel. yes i have told some. but they give advice: different advice on my situation. here they are:

1. be practical. get a job related to what i have studied (it’s in demand) save money so i could do whatever i want to do with my fucking life.
2. wait for the enlightenment. (gosh i love this friend of mine). i told her i’m going to attend a writing workshop which will start in September. she said it’s alright if i’m still unsure of what i want to do.
3. i can’t stay like this. finish my deadline and then presto! apply for a job.
4. . i just need love.

now here are my comments for each numbers: (i dont know if i  replied to them or not but if yes, this is not definitely what i said to them)

1. my old profession is alright. i sometimes miss it. but i dont see myself doing it again. or maybe when i do, it’s just imagination.
2. i’ve been waiting for that eureka moment. i know what i want to do. i just dont know exactly what should i do. working in my so-called true love’s so-called environment need a fast internet connection, and a NIIIIIIICE computer. when i say nice, it’s anything with all the specs and not this crappy auto-skipping-cursor-when-i-type-something-that’s-why-i-have-to-edit-what-i-write-every-five-minutes kind of computer. wait a minute. i love this notebook of mine. this is where i store all my story drafts. i didn’t mind when cursor skips when i write my stories. but this notebook isn’t good enough in writing codes. even it’s memory: if this is a person i would diagnose it with dementia. oh dear.
3. i don’t know how will i do my work because of this notebook. i know. it’s an excuse but its valid. i need a new computer. should i borrow one? i don’t have enough connection to make all the stuff work. and  imagine i have to google with this slothy internet speed. maybe im not really interested in beating that deadline. should i pay someone to do it for me? it does bother me but around 75 percent of myself dont give a fuck. because i dont want to do anything. im just waiting to be kicked out of the house. another thing. this “creative mind” (because i like to imagine extreme things like pointing a gun in my head for me to get something done), i think will just only get me into trouble. it’s not creative. it’s a paranoid mind. sometimes or all the time i imagine stupid things that’s not gonna happen.
4. fall in love? haha. that’s what i advised him when he was feeling lost. he did find someone and his life is well, on the right track. thank you for the lovely advice. but i will not find love because it seems that based on this post i dont love myself/ lol/.

i never changed. i always escape. since gradeschool. if i could escape, i would. but now i am looking for a new excuse just to skip hardwork? don’t get me wrong. i work hard. i just dont know the hell where to put my energy. forgive me for this post. i am hoping that sooner or later this feeling would stop. i am not excited about anything. i am not inspired. that its okay to be like this. but i know it’s not. men are designed to work. so the bottom line is. i need at least any job. not the perfect job. i dont deserve it. so ill have to change my dream. since i dont want to do hard work i will just live as a mediocre, and die in mediocrity. ive been dreaming of a good purpose. maybe this is my purpose. just another damn human being — alright erase that. im not a bad person. let’s put it this way. supposed i get a job i dont like. dont grow professionally, at least i never hurt anyone. now this is a good excuse. lol. just kidding. it just feels worthless to do something that you dont love, sacrifice your time just to be a decent citizen. someone who has a job.

it is said that GOd doesn’t give you trials you can’t endure. i dont have any other problems (pwera usog) other than this. my enemy is myself. maybe i’ll write something positive in my next post. but my conclusion, to make it clear, since i dont want to do anything in particular except a new job (because it’s mandatory), okay, any job will do. aaand applying for two or more companies wouldnt gurantee they’d hire me. but i wont prepare myself so let’s say my next post would be a series of rejections. lolololololol.