The law of distraction.

This is the second part of the diary of a undiagnosed ADHD

There is so many things running in my head since morning and I felt that strange bolt of energy within. In most cases I compare the energy with lust. The lust for doing something which involves creativity such as writing, drawing or anything that has to do with art.

This is a quick post though, because I committed a videocall with friends at 3 pm. And i’ve got to wash my dog and give him medications too. I also have to take a bath after bathing my dog. And i have to do these in less than an hour. SOUNDS GREAT isn’t it?

I remembered that I work best under pressure. The mild form of anxiety gives me focus on what I do. And contrary to the title, these distractions would be very helpful in finishing my tasks. I already talked to a shrink regarding my mental health issues. And found out that I dont have any forms of depression nor bipolar disorder. I also submitted a copy of my Asrs test. Whatever you call it.

This morning i applied for a job, followed up my last pay in my previous work and helped a little in preparing our lunch. So i didnt review for my test today. Because my key words are money and job.

My shrink also adviced me to write down what I want to do. And think about it because I tend to do things with impulse. So it’s 2:26 and I had to pause writing. I purposely delay finishing my blog post because I want to write clearly about what I want to talk about.

2:56 P.M. I am not used to documenting what I do in details but because it has a purpose, it wouldn’t hurt that much lol. I have read an article on totally add and got into the hype. As well as my shrink said, i dont have to conform to what other people do when they review. I like games. Especially videogames. So why not turn something boring into something fun. More of like challenging yourself in doing a simple task. Of course there are distractions ahead and the challenge is do not let the distractions distract you. While i was bathing my pet, since i had to leave the medicated shampoo for ten minutes and got the chance to buy some cigarettes and a chocolate biscuit I kinda missed eating. The rule is, if ten minutes doing nothings bores you, then you can do something else by minding the time.

I am not usually like this. But i was just motivated because of the strange energy bolt i am feeling. I tend to delay things especially when it’s important. But right now I am just rewiring my brain by doing something just like when I am playing videogames. AND the relief that I am normal helped too. I am just taking advantage of the energy I have got.

Most tasks for me are quite boring. So the key is to make things interesting. Whether shallow or deep. Like having a job, is kinda boring for me. So what I think about is another keyword. LAPTOP. having a laptop is having power. Power to get another job, and with the right specs I could start doing what I love or what I might love in the long run. If i get a job then I could buy a laptop. And install games or theme maker– taking advantage of technology with a high speed internet lol. How I wish today was like everyday!

I would also like to focus on writing clearly. It takes time but by practising a lot who knows I might write soon a straight to the point article or post. Lol.

Another tip to myself is challenging myself with another game. This sounds creepy but I like to pretend that I will die in 5 years and I have to be rich before I die. lol. I act with impulse So I added a little pressure. (Because i didnt say i will die tomorrow lol). Of course theres this system in my head (sorry I havent written it down. But I am relying with keywords which I recite to remember.

To earn money is first to have a job. And I also had to test myself by applying what I have read in an online class about money management. It’s tough though. But I am in a roleplaying game. I pretend that I want to become rich. And since I love playing games I am in! LOL. sounds crazy but it is more appealing than the reality that I am close to midlife crisis and still havent got a property lol.

We have different strategies in approaching life’s struggles so I am not saying my strategies will apply to all, maybe for some as silly as me. If it doesn’t work then Ill have to find another strategy– which I consider another game. Of course I have to reward myself for the good outcome. And in order to to that I have tl remind myself of the key word: job. lol

P.s. my videocall conference has been moved to 4:30. So i have plenty of time to prepare! And i even finished a post! So congratulations to me!

And the title says distraction. Well life is full of distractions. I admit i forgot something I wish to mention. Because as I write I am kind of distracted myself. But this distraction is also a form of review. Remember that distractions are related to functions, you just have to keep your mind open and continue your exploration. I dont know who said that. Maybe it was me! 😆

Do what you love. ( a message to all the struggling artists on earth)

I haven’t written something for a few months. Lol. I shared my blog to someone i look up to and  i don’t know what’s his true reaction to my posts. Nevermind. I’ve been struggling lately in this so-called earth. Nope, it’s not poverty like most people struggle about. I am just writing to update this blog regarding my search for a purpose. The physical purpose. Lol. As a Christian, you don’t have to find a purpose. Be good, do good because God is watching you and has a hard copy of everything you’ve done since birth. Lmao. 

I just noticed that ideas come to me when i go to church. It’s not that im not listening to the sermon. I dunno. I sometimes think it’s the devils distraction or an angel guiding me on what to do with my life. I realized that we’re all gonna die, and somehow leave something meaningful to the next generation so they might not go astray. Who knows in the next twenty years there will be a new hype, where gamers battle in real life. I really want to create a game, that’s why i immersed myself in playing mobile legends. I was wondering who made the characters and if they get a commission based on the popularity of a character. Well i never stopped writing on my loser anime-type novel. Loser because it’s not popular. Lol but that’s fine. It makes me happy to read it. I was just thinking about the movie Idiocracy, the only movie i would like to recommend to someone who would ask me what to watch. It’s a bit exaggerated of course.. but it makes sense. Im not very good with words, but i dedicate this post to all the starving artists all over the world. I just hope my message would all be clear. 

You can google the movie synopsis if you haven’t watched it. When my sister and i had a fight because of a neighbor’s wake, she told me i live in a dream world that’s why she would nevwr understand me. And vice versa. I wasn’t mad. It’s true thy i live in my own world. I am physically present because i cannot disappear physically, but mentally i am pondering things. But of course i usually do my observation on people, mostly Clevon’s decendants. If you would read the bible it says that the world will become more cruel as the days come. To connect it with the movie, it could be true. Because those who multiply are stupid. This sounds rude, right. But come to think of it, im not saying everyone on this planet who become parents are stupid. Just take a good look around, my friend. And those who are intelligent as well as overthinkers spend too much time on doing something rather than sex. Or simply overthinks that the world is cruel and i don’t want my future generation to suffer. We haven’t fixed simple real-life problems because of greed. It would cause a debate because labelling the future generation as products of stupidity combats the will of God (god gave us life). But God gave us free will and the free will of stupid people is justified. Lol. 

Anyways i think i lost track of what i wanted to talk about. People are driven by love. Whether atupid or intelligent. Love makes the world bearable. That’s what i think. Sadly i haven’t experienced that kind of love. Because for me it’s ideas. For an artist who is doing something whether it’s a song, a comic book, (RIP Stan Lee), a novel, etc.. it’s kind of difficult for them not selling. No recognition. I think my grammar is busted lol. What im trying to say is, technology could be an edge today because it’s easier to publish your works. And because of technology it’s also easier for hunters to steal them. And what’s worse is you compete with artist wannabes who uses popularity but are stupid down to the core. They win because as i have said before, clevon’s decendants make up the earth, and stupid works are enjoyed by stupid audiences. Lol. A real masterpiece is liked by both intelligent and stupid being. I admit that im rude. Correct me if im wrong. It’s fine with me. But i think artists should not crave for recognition or whatsoever. Just don’t stop doing what you love. The right people would appreciate what you do. And based on my experience i am quite happy with two readers. I just want to make it big not to earn money. (I didnt graduate for nothing) but to share the hidden message (not everyone will get it) to most people. I think im good and hardworking in this set up so i want to see the results.  As a matter of fact this also makes me feel not normal because most people settle down, have kids etc. I made a deal with the universe by the way. But it’s top secret lol. If falling in love would stop me from writing these stories, then i would never love at all. (Two of my friends who used to write stories have stopped. They’re married now) well on the practical side of life, it could be called a sign of maturity. It’s just a phase unobserved and rather irrelevant to the future of the subject that’s why they stopped doing it. If that’s the case, am i still writing because i’m a weirdo, loveless creature? Lmao. It’s my world. My universe. I hated the world that’s why i created my own. Sometimes i wish i could find something good in the norm. I do. But it’s not enough. I admit im still lost in doing tangible things and too bad they’re connected in chasing my dreams. But i will never give up. I’m testing time if my passion fades. And i never stopped thinking about sharing messages. I already have a plan about my projects. But i already expected a few to understand. But of course consistency is hoghly facoured by the universe. Lol. Me, consistent? I dont know. 

And about the guy i was talking about in the past  posts, well let me tell you my favourite quote, a universal quote: 

“I believe that the existence of the classical “path” can be pregnantly formulated as follows: The “path” comes into existence only when we observe it.” -werner heisenberg (uncertainty principle paper) 

Just like what Heisenberg did, he shared something to the world and kudos to him i found this quote. It’s about physics, but let me tell you that everything is connected. So i use it in the love department. I have stopped observing the path that connects me to this person. I ignored everything. Even my feelings so it’s considered as non-existent. I might sound crazy but it’s just the same as those artists who never paid attention to their talents, who never practiced their gifts, who never believed in their abilities. It’s a choice, after all. But to those who were mocked by other people to stop doing what they love, never listen to them. If you are not happy with the world, do something to make it happier. At least for yourself. 

Testing the waters

So im writing again via phone. Another evidence that i couldn’t contain my current standing in the game of life lol. Sometimes i feel guilty for sharing my blog to someone i know because they might accuse me of being a weakling or being ungrateful. I dont give a fuck anyways. This is my trash bin and it’s obviously metaphorical. I couldn’t write via laptop because our computer is in the living room, it feels uncomfortable writing something even if they dont look at what i am doing. That’s another reason why i couldn’t continue my next episode. 

Im just here to tackle about actions and consequences. You enter a situation, and you are aware of what’s gonna happen. There’s a bonus: that’s when you dont expect something which will happen. I usually predict things as i enter a new setting. So it happened. Job wants me to conform. And i dont want to. Lol. I havent googled the exact meaning of conformity. But i think im on the right track lol. I know the solution: try to conform even if it clashes with your principles. I have written this before. I was just reminded again because i didnt conform to them. Lol. Now another solution is: play pretend. And find something that im gonna think about to shun away the real issue. That’s what i did. Or that’s what i always do. Don’t get me wrong. I am very good, at least in what i do, except the sales shit. Now im thinking what’s it like if im gonna be a parent. Maybe i’ll conform to them just to feed little mouths. A perfect excuse for someone who needed escape, and a perfect example of hard work and inspiration for real parents. 

Im not being smug here. Actually i feel bad for not having the kind of thinking most people have. Conforming to society, going with the flow, not thinking of harming others or violating one’s principles. 

So this post is an evidence that there’s an event in my life (actually the whole blog) that i might just laugh about someday. So the solution i have thought is to see a clairvoyant. My actual reason is to TEST his ability. I predict the future too. I am very curious about his talents. If ever he says something bad or i dont like, well or he might not show up due to a certain incident, or we wont show up because something happened. I cant help but imagine things: everything that could possibly happen- this, my friend, i believe, is a Ne- dominant trait. Lol. But it kinda excites me. It’s something i look forward to— some reason to at least bear the stress my work is causing me. 

I am also thinking that my dream job is still away. But not as far as from ten years ago. Still, a small progress is still a progress. The thing is, im going to unravel the mystery of the clairvoyant with Rigel. Who happened to be interested in knowing the future. That’s why im also anxious about what will happen. I think we’re the same. To be together in one place is inevitable. We do things for a purpose. I dont think this is an excuse just to be with his company. I think he became a medium on extracting what i needed to know to fight in my own game of life. I mean a medium could be anyone. But it happened to be him. No emotions involved. Just plain purpose. I told you i dont let emotions win. It’s just a bonus i happen to be with someone whom im comfortable with. But i still find it strange. But if being with him has a price, i wouldn’t thank him (i did) but i shouldve thanked his purpose. Same with me. I had a purpose seeing him. I needed data for my ultimate dream. Imagine what would happen in the future. If i reached my ultimate dream, maybe he’s married then with kids. I don’t know. Still testing the waters like watching his every move for me to dismiss what i have concluded in my past posts. 

Exciting isn’t it? We’ll see what happens. 

Boring reality

I was supposed to write something about my thoughts on marriage but i think i would leave that for now. I realized that i shouldn’t post often on facebook, since nobody really feels for me. I even avoided chatting on messenger unless it’s urgent.

I am about to finish the k drama Goblin which is the best i have watched so far. I don’t know. Even if i still don’t know the ending, i really can’t contain my feelings. Well at least i told my best friend about what i feel. I don’t know if i’m in love with the series lol but everything is just perfect. The whole story, the lines, the clothes they wear, the places where it was shot, i couldn’t find a single error. And the thing is, i am not really into drama. But i find myself crying in some episodes. To be honest i don’t know why. But i could relate to each character except Park Joong the effin demon ghost lol. They say that when you like something, it’s because you could relate to it. It might have happened to you that’s why it gets you. But not all cases of course. Well maybe because Goblin is really good you don’t need to relate yourself when you watch it. Lol. It’s just funny seeing Eun Tak having a handful of lighters to summon Kim Shin, well i have two lighters (originally three, my brother took one) because i thought i lost my lighter. Sadly i only summon the smoke of a cigarette when i feel like stressed and when i have rushing thoughts that i feel like chasing. I also remember the red scarf- my favourite one. It’s actually red and white but of course when i wear it i choose the red part. I remember the good old days in London. I remember the different seasons when i was abroad that’s why i enjoy watching Goblin. With regards to the story, it was well- written. Yes it’s full of torments but it’s nice. It’s a question of will and fate. Another interesting part of life.

I know these sorts of entertainment are man-made but the timing and the message could be the Deity’s will- or probably fate? I don’t know. Or it’s hard to explain. I myself write stories based on my ideas which has a hidden message on coping with reality. Of course it’s not set in reality but the core of the story is about the struggle of a human being in coping with it. It’s completely the same. So now im wondering when other people watch k dramas or a good movie, is it merely “it entertained me, i enjoyed it” feeling? Maybe some. But i like to look at the moral of the story. In everything. Even in a small incident, i like to connect it with the question what have i learned from it? Is it useful in the future? This neverending learning process goes on. And i don’t know if i could gather them and write it down in one book. Of course acting upon what u have learned is one evidence, even the slightest feeling of hope when you’re down is another evidence. But i want to collect them and maybe pass it on others by fate at least. By random.

I sometimes think that where would my stories go? I dont share it with most people because i know it’s boring to read something when you could watch lots of series online. That’s why i really want to make it a reality. Even if i end up doing it alone- i know it might take me a couple of decades since im a distracted person. And this distraction sometimes lead me to negative thinking. But believe me, im always positive. It feels like im immortal (another thing that i strangely relate to Kim shin-maybe because i have watched my loved ones evolve and lost some of them) lol. I always pray to God to guide me in the right path. When i say im distracted im serious about it. But these distractions —might have something to do in creating something. Something that would sync with the perfect timing.

This will sound strange but my timing is quite different from other people. I know we have different timings because we’re different lmao but what im saying is, like for my age and the likes most people have found their love and focus on building a family, as well as building their careers and all. That’s what i meant. Sometimes or i question myself often, did i really pass the time? Was it my fault? If i wasn’t distracted should have i been successful? Sometimes i forget that im mortal. Really. Man i think i watch too much afterlife shits lol. Or maybe i got to watch them to remind me that life is short so i must get going.

Now im hungry. Lolololololol. This is the boring and sad part of reality. That im very far from achieving my dreams because im broke and distracted. But im doing something about it. Im not the type of person to use someone like marry a rich man or trick people to earn money. I could do that but i choose not to. Because it’s against my values. I like everything done in a good way. That’s what i have learned in life. I hope i have said what i want. I still have lots of thoughts but my priority is sleep. Lol.

And practicing not talking about 75 percent of what’s on my mind or who’s on my mind. This too shall pass.

Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)

Okay, so yesterday i sent the link of this blog to my sister and bestest best friend. And i think it was a wrong move 😂. The thing about keeping this private makes me pour out my emotions and thoughts no matter how embarrassing they are. But i already sent the link to them and they have read some of my posts, so if you two have come across this post i apologize because you might not like the following content. Lol. I think this is the most embarrassing post to end the year. So here it goes. ( i hope to tackle my emotions correctly but since i am struggling to do it well, good luck to me.) 
Apologies to my sister, my best friend and my future love. (Most likely to my future love- if he/she/it exists lol)

Remember my old post regarding my so-called sun? Of course no one remembers, im just talking to my blog lol. That was the last time i felt  my emotions run deep, honestly i hoped for a chance to be with him even just as a friend. But i stayed away from him because i knew i had zero chance. I still think about him sometimes and dream of him occasionally. 

Now im really wondering where is my future love. I feel sorry for him/her/it because once again i have let down my guard and fell for something unexpected. Of course i like to romanticize feelings. And im not good in expressing my emotions but i will try my best to make them clear. I might seem exaggerated or shallow when i write but again, im telling you, expressing my thoughts using the right words is my greatest struggle. See? I already had a few paragraphs but i haven’t started about my topic yet lolololololololol. 

Prepare yourself for another crazy post. Whahahahahahahahahaha. Okay, about my so-called sun. He left because his part in my life is finished. (Sorry for the wrong grammar) and it is kind of strange that i encountered someone who reminded me of him. They have the same age, same profession and thank God different habits. Let’s give him a code name. Lol. Rigel. It’s actually one of my gadgets’ name. If im not mistaken Rigel is bigger and brighter than the sun. So does this mean he’s more far-fetched? Well i have known rigel since i was a teen-ager and since im already in my 50’s 😂😂😂😂😂😂 just kidding. When i saw him again i thought that he’s kind of cute. But just a random comment because he’d grown. And another thing is we randomly communicate because of well, my best friend knows the answer. Lol. And of course because of the matrix. Lolololololol. I dont want to state the actual reason, it’s just a code. Im just writing because i want this feeling to fade. So after several months i would just laugh about this post. Hahahahahahahaha. So there. So Rigel reminded me of something bigger than the sun, that is to focus on my true niche. But believe me, i dont fancy him when i decided to ask him a favor (my sister and bff knows this). It’s just a random action and something that’s essential — something i will need in the future. It’s hobby related, true-niche related because i have planned before that i have to do something regarding what i want in life. So i went to his empire and Rigel was in his boxers. Lol. I didnt care because i have known him for a long time and he was like family to me. God this is so embarrassing. Lol. He tried to do the task i requested and there was some error so i had to go back and return to his empire later on that day. Without malice or romantic inclination i viewed Rigel as someone with potential success in the future. Seeing him  felt like— if this man succeeds, id be able to breathe comfortably and just laugh at my mistakes in my younger years. That’s why i try to motivate him every chance encounter i get. So there. The task was done. While he was doing the task we talked about our interests, possibilities and the future of gaming industry. I couldnt believe myself at that time, that i openly discussed my dreams comfortably. Well we are on the same track but different branches so it’s still related. I was so relaxed and at that time i seemed to kind of enjoy every second i was there. No pretensions, just plain relaxed conversation. I didnt need to be cautious regarding my actions because i was damn comfortable. And he’s like a brother to me. It only felt awkward when he talked he looked at me while his sitting position is away from my direction. I am just allergic to anyone looking at me. Because i dont look at the person im talking to. I dont know lol. I admit im weird but i prefer staring blankly at something or looking at something in the background that moves. Like a pc cursor, wind sheild wipers, etc. So there. Before i went to Rigel’s empire i prayed for happiness btw, and when i got home it’s more than happiness. I realized that I liked him. Lolololololololol. LMAO. He’s cute, intelligent, sensitive, not absent minded, quick thinker and very kind. He’s also sweet. To clear things he doesn’t like me romantically. He’s just being him. He had no idea i like him. Of course! Lol. But because after this realization i might not want to see him again. One of the reasons why im still single. But nah, that’s fine. I used to be comfortable with him all the time. But this feeling kinda turned out to be an obsession and wishful thinking. Lmao! Obsession because im dying to see him. (Yet im not making any move the fact that i know where he lives) and wishful thinking- i wish my future love would be like him. Someone who looks like him and older than me. I wish he was another person- someone whom i have met at school or work, someone like my age. And the craziest part is i couldnt bear seeing him being with another girl. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Why am i so stupid hahahahahahahaha! He cant be mine of course. It’s like a forbidden jutsu. Im just wishing ill find someone like him whom im very comfortable with. And i dont know where is this fucking guy! Lol. I should be in a relationship by now, planning our wedding, buying a house, building our dreams? It’s not that i question God’s timing. I was just wondering why is it taking so long to meet whoever is for me, and why am i crushing on someone who is impossible? My sister said i was never serious, also my best friend. So i therefore conclude that this too shall pass. But all im wishing is when i meet that someone, let it be like my set up with Rigel: im not afraid to be myself. 

Funny he had no idea about what i feel. Of course i would die not telling him. My best friend would kill me. And he views me as a sister. Let it be. I just hope this would fade quikly. Because i think that wont be the last time well be seeing each other. I hope my feelings are gone the next time. Why does he have to be so cute? Lololololololololololololol. I dont know. I just suddenly felt it. I want him to succeed and become a good man. I just hope my feelings are gone by the time he gets into a relationship because if that happens tomorrow, id probably have a heart attack. Im serious. Now all i have to do is believe in my superpower- im easy to fall and easy to forget. So i hope this is not as real as it seems. I hope this is just another crush. 

After posting this i am going to read this to validate if i had expressed my feelings correctly lmao

why do i exist?

the last time i posted i was feeling down, and after i cleaned the house while thinking of the matter, i felt ok. lol. what a weirdo.i can’t imagine a world without internet. because everything you want to search is just one click away, it is a great opportunity for finding answers and sharing what you want to share. this is a good opportunity for your voice to be heard. i’m not talking about MAINSTREAM or popularity because some people are so blind and technically out of touch about the real problems of the world. My mbti fever has subsided. come to think of it, one test cannot really describe a person because each person is unique. some may be true but the insights provided cannot dictate or help you get along with the changing world. Just like astrology, you cannot define a person’s destiny by looking at the planetary alignment, even if you know your birth time. lol.

since i was a child i have this strange passion for discovering the mysterious. and today i just read the theory of relativity–for kids lol. Thank God for Einstein. and the other guy who wasn’t as famous as him. LOL. Since it’s difficult for me to EXPRESS WHAT I WANT TO SAY, i made them in caps so i won’t get lost when i forget another topic in my mind. and of course i will try to point out what i wanna say and it seems that i forgot it already. lemme drink a glass of water first. lol. okay im back. alright, while trying to remember the topic in my head i will just skip to write about my lack of focus and forgetfulness. Sometimes i wished i focused and got involved with mathematics and physics. or any other sciences. my first course’s science- related, and the second one math/ logic related. not bad. but what’s happening in our life– we must be aware that we cannot control some things. (like this phrase. it’s been said and written and published and has been put into quotes and shared on facebook) and sometimes we have these things and it makes us suffer. whether it’s a severe acne problem, big bone structure, getting molested when younger, disabilities, congenital sickness. whatever our problem is, it all boils down in our personal kettles. we suffer. that’s why we find comfort with people who have had them or currently has them. (i have a pizza faced friend whom i tease because of his acne– okay i wasnt being mean. he’s also mean to me lol. in this case i don’t say that people with acne is okay to hang out with acne-filled people. it will seem funny to others who sees them) pointless. lol. so what im trying to say is, at least if you can do something, try to find some ways which will help you cope with it better.people need people. in contrary to what i’ve been trying to say to myself. but that’s the truth. we were not born to live alone.

another thing is the struggle of finding what ticks you and you’ve gotten into troubles looking for it. or recognizing what you wanna do yet it feels it’s light years away from you.   Simple. don’t give up. (another words of encouragement we’ve always heard or read before) so, suppose i have found my true niche, which is my writing fantasy stories which, as of now, doesnt earn me money. even if im happy to write or read them alone, it still feels better when someone else reads it and comments on how great your work is! The problem with me is my laziness and my distracted personality. i sometimes tell myself, it’s alright, maybe im just one of the ordinary people who dream less, and be okay as long as we have a job, eat three times a day..

now i dont think im making sense of what i want to say. hahahahahahaha. okay the last paragraph, i want to say that i want to find an alternative way and disregard my fantasy story. lol. sometimes i really feel like i want to get into research about mental illness, and behavioral problems. i occasionally read articles printed by science and their findings seems cloudy to me. wtf? a loser writer commenting on the findings of researchers. im sorry, i want to help. but let the greater minds do their works as they please. hahahahahahaha.

 

now i think this blog seems like a draft to me. scattered. disorganized, whatever. my thoughts are chaotic, the world is chaotic. whatever ticks you, remember this life is a gift. i never wanted to be born, but here i am, blogging. maybe still skeptical about my purpose or true niche, but in case i am already there, there’s one thing that i must remember. (ive heard this all before) i must do things in love– to give back to the gift i have been given. and that’s being born. i maybe a jobless douche today but i shouldnt be stuck with what i am now. the important thing is, no matter who you are, you must make your existence meaningful. even on little things. it matters. at least, whatever you do, if it’s for the good of the world, it does help.  is this another excuse why i am or will never be successful in writing? lol. all i know for today, is im excited about the next chapter of my story.. and i have two readers, which is all good at the moment. lol

 

My journey as an INTP

The title obviously indicates that i am still hooked with MBTI. LOL.  I rested my eyes because i have been on the computer for three hours, randomly taking personality tests. My intention was to apply for a certain job. and to blog. lol. and i spent the entire three hours validating my myers briggs. lol. a few days ago i planned to write something emotional, something that has significant meaning in my life. but i dunno why i didn’t write them lol. i’ve also been thinking about , well i actually forgot it just now. Sorry. LOL. too many LOL’s eh? but this afternoon while having my lunch i felt like crying. it is kind of strange when i don’t enjoy eating because I love to eat. i like my food served hot. But today i didn’t bother what kind of food i was going to eat. i just ate what’s in the table. and it’s not actually edible. hahahahaha. just kidding. i did have a cold drink. that’s my technique when i dont like the food. a soda would do. my eyes are still hurting from the smoke from my cigarettes. and my nose too. from the smell of the mosquito coil beside me.
i decided to write because i still don’t know what to do with my life. my mom just asked me what i am doing because i’m busy. wow. busy. big word. lol. that’s because i missed my daily routine which is doing the daily chores. i don’t want to whine to her about my fucked up resume and my old age. lol. and could you imagine i haven’t looked at the mirror for days. if i were a guy i’d be having a 5-inch beard by now. lol. it’s obvious that i am not into taking care of my physical appearance. it’s not my priority. at the age of thirty i look like mother of five. lol. i refrained from smoking too much. and the cigarette shortage might bring me into panic attack. i want to escape for a while. i wanted to die for a few days. and come back to life with a magnificent job offer in front of me. that’s not how life works. here i am, doing nothing but writing. when i log out i might sleep after cleaning. or continue my flop series. sounds depressing isn’t it? btw, i do believe in dream interpretations, and i dreamed about interpreting numbers i have dreamed of, then a puddle of water inside the house – meaning poor spiritual connection. i do pray every day but i admit i often talk to myself while i’m talking to God, that i forget i am actually praying, and then i apologize. i looked at the small electric fan and thought that it’s blowing air on the other direction than me. lol. anyways, let me tell you a story. lol.

when i was younger i was subconsciously in search for the absolute truth, regardless of knowledge on the MBTI. lol. i actually made up my own personality types. it’s about the two-letter type. the S and O. the first letter symbolizes your view of yourself as a human being. and the other letter on how you view the others. S stands for subjective, and O for objective. The details are written in my small diary which i don’t know where it is. lol. and some of the details were written on myspace. Yup, and i was a typical loser on myspace. no friends. maybe about 4? hahahahahaha. so i therefore conclude that i am interested in how the human mind works, in terms of relationships. That’s why i got inclined to different personality types, as well as astrology. i tend to look on the theoretical aspect of dealing with these monsters, i mean people who are difficult to understand. it only gave me stress. and missed a lot of points, because i was dealing on the crappy objective side of the person and not the actual person. LOL. so if i would use my personal personality type, I’d b an OO. objective-object. hahahahahaha. i see myself and the others as test samples in conducting my personality profile test. when i got to college i was thrilled with Philosophy, that’s when i met the fountainhead. a book which inspired me to study. i hate studying. so what i did was, i cannot touch the fountainhead if i didn’t read a chapter of my textbook. hahahaha. i was also interested in communism. and i had the idea of the believer communist. a communist who believes in God. hahahaha. nope. i never got to read marx’s book. i also produced some quotes which competes for the absolute truth quote. a quote which has no flaw. i think it’s written in some of my diaries. and maybe it has a flaw. the grammar. lolololololol. My favourite quote which i made is: the best thing about being a Christian is the end. at first, it sounds depressing but for a believer, what matters is the end, if you stick to what you believe in. Religious discussions deserve another blog. And you just can’t prove something you don’t see, right? so let’s just leave it here. lol. and back in high school (i write in a disorganized manner. i have trouble in sequence) i made up a secret alphabet (i still remember how to write them lol ) i showed it to my best friend and she was happy about it. lol. but someone with a high IQ could easily figure them out. because of the pattern. I made it easy actually because i, myself am forgetful as fuck. lololololol.

now let’s go back to the present. while some people invested money on travel and material things, i did invest on education which lead me nowhere hahahahaha. nah. i dunno because i haven’t used it myself. i was mad as hell when a friend pointed out that i took up the course because of money. i wanted to kill that friend in one blow. the point is, why didn’t i kill the friend? because there’s no point in convincing one person when he/she is blinded by his/her own view. if i wanted money i’ll have money. hahahaha. you can’t convince people not to love money. and that is one of the world’s problems. we cannot do anything about it. I have been to an international church and saw people cry out to God, raising hands and praising and these hands wear expensive watches. if you would look at the floor you will see expensive bags. and their dresses, expensive brands. lol. maybe they think God gives them material blessings. nevermind them. people love branded stuff. my opinion on that is brands dont matter as long as you like the item. lol. the other thing i dont understand is the neverending cycle of quarelling couples when there’s actually a solution. okay. no judgement here. they say a good adviser is a failure in advising themselves. let’s take that back. hahahahaha. so why venture in a relationship when you see the potential problems. i used to hope that someone would save me from this harsh material-loving world. someone who would undesrtand me and do things for me (because i am always inside my thoughts i am completely detached with reality) or someone who will inspire me to live in reality. being unemployed for years made me realize that i dont need that someone. lololololololol. since i don’t pay attention to my physical appearance, i have zero chances on winning a date. fine with me. and if someone made an attempt i would bombard that person with ten mbti tests and will think im crazy. lol. i’ve seen the future, believe me. and since i am objective that poor person would only become a bitter test sample and leave. hahahahahaha. am i wrong on how i treat people? well i have a best friend whom i love so much and i think i kind of emotionally support her. how did that happen? because she said she needs it. and i know the meaning of the word emotional. lol. most friends complained that i was’t there when they needed it. i just told them you should have told me and i would have given it to you. whahahahahahahahaha.

besides from being a bum and the careless depressive state of mind, i never stopped writing on my crappy work. i am afraid that one day i’ll just break down and cry in the most unexpected place. well the place is expected. because i dont go out. i refrained myself from talking to some people. well i remembered i know someone who’s an intp. but we don’t click. and it seemed as he doesnt have a problem. same with me. i laugh a lot and like to joke around. and one of my professors have told me i dont know anything about being serious. alright. so it’s quite true that im an intp (with possible add ) and i am still in search for the ultimate truth. or a place where i can exercise my brain. too bad if this is the place. sometimes voices tell me that i should learn a certain programming language. ( i took a seven deadly sins test and i got sloth hahahahahahaha) and if i failed at finding that maybe this is the ultimate truth. that im a loser forever and ever. lol