The law of distraction.

This is the second part of the diary of a undiagnosed ADHD

There is so many things running in my head since morning and I felt that strange bolt of energy within. In most cases I compare the energy with lust. The lust for doing something which involves creativity such as writing, drawing or anything that has to do with art.

This is a quick post though, because I committed a videocall with friends at 3 pm. And i’ve got to wash my dog and give him medications too. I also have to take a bath after bathing my dog. And i have to do these in less than an hour. SOUNDS GREAT isn’t it?

I remembered that I work best under pressure. The mild form of anxiety gives me focus on what I do. And contrary to the title, these distractions would be very helpful in finishing my tasks. I already talked to a shrink regarding my mental health issues. And found out that I dont have any forms of depression nor bipolar disorder. I also submitted a copy of my Asrs test. Whatever you call it.

This morning i applied for a job, followed up my last pay in my previous work and helped a little in preparing our lunch. So i didnt review for my test today. Because my key words are money and job.

My shrink also adviced me to write down what I want to do. And think about it because I tend to do things with impulse. So it’s 2:26 and I had to pause writing. I purposely delay finishing my blog post because I want to write clearly about what I want to talk about.

2:56 P.M. I am not used to documenting what I do in details but because it has a purpose, it wouldn’t hurt that much lol. I have read an article on totally add and got into the hype. As well as my shrink said, i dont have to conform to what other people do when they review. I like games. Especially videogames. So why not turn something boring into something fun. More of like challenging yourself in doing a simple task. Of course there are distractions ahead and the challenge is do not let the distractions distract you. While i was bathing my pet, since i had to leave the medicated shampoo for ten minutes and got the chance to buy some cigarettes and a chocolate biscuit I kinda missed eating. The rule is, if ten minutes doing nothings bores you, then you can do something else by minding the time.

I am not usually like this. But i was just motivated because of the strange energy bolt i am feeling. I tend to delay things especially when it’s important. But right now I am just rewiring my brain by doing something just like when I am playing videogames. AND the relief that I am normal helped too. I am just taking advantage of the energy I have got.

Most tasks for me are quite boring. So the key is to make things interesting. Whether shallow or deep. Like having a job, is kinda boring for me. So what I think about is another keyword. LAPTOP. having a laptop is having power. Power to get another job, and with the right specs I could start doing what I love or what I might love in the long run. If i get a job then I could buy a laptop. And install games or theme maker– taking advantage of technology with a high speed internet lol. How I wish today was like everyday!

I would also like to focus on writing clearly. It takes time but by practising a lot who knows I might write soon a straight to the point article or post. Lol.

Another tip to myself is challenging myself with another game. This sounds creepy but I like to pretend that I will die in 5 years and I have to be rich before I die. lol. I act with impulse So I added a little pressure. (Because i didnt say i will die tomorrow lol). Of course theres this system in my head (sorry I havent written it down. But I am relying with keywords which I recite to remember.

To earn money is first to have a job. And I also had to test myself by applying what I have read in an online class about money management. It’s tough though. But I am in a roleplaying game. I pretend that I want to become rich. And since I love playing games I am in! LOL. sounds crazy but it is more appealing than the reality that I am close to midlife crisis and still havent got a property lol.

We have different strategies in approaching life’s struggles so I am not saying my strategies will apply to all, maybe for some as silly as me. If it doesn’t work then Ill have to find another strategy– which I consider another game. Of course I have to reward myself for the good outcome. And in order to to that I have tl remind myself of the key word: job. lol

P.s. my videocall conference has been moved to 4:30. So i have plenty of time to prepare! And i even finished a post! So congratulations to me!

And the title says distraction. Well life is full of distractions. I admit i forgot something I wish to mention. Because as I write I am kind of distracted myself. But this distraction is also a form of review. Remember that distractions are related to functions, you just have to keep your mind open and continue your exploration. I dont know who said that. Maybe it was me! 😆

You had one task.

This is a diary of a undiagnosed ADHD patient.

In my prevous posts I self-diagnosed myself with ADD. Time has passed and I am proud of myself because I learned the importance of headings when writing an article. But this is not an article though. It states on the headline that it’s a diary, duh! lol.

Regardless of that proud moment I am writing with a heavy heart. Not that someone or something died but because something is alive. And kicking! It is one of my major problems knocking again in the time of pandemic. AND IT KNOCKS REALLY HARD because i don’t have a job right now. Lol.

Today i will try to focus on my lack of focus. LOL. Funny because it came up to me dressed perfectly ready to attack me and my dear future. It happened when I decided to focus on reviewing for an upcoming exam to get me working overseas. It started two months ago, and to think of the progress well obviously I failed. That’s when I started to see that I may need professional help to see if I had a problem.

During March i thought about a lot of things: looking for a job online, setting up a small business, upgrading my heroes on genshin impact and ranking up on mobile legends with the help of strong teammates. Lol. What about the review? I did some and did well. (Two tests) and the rest were video tips. I had to congratulate myself for finishing an hour video for i have my personal limit of watching videos. Just 20 mins or less.

On April I had the opportunity to become an article writer and I thought it would help me on my review because they are somewhat related. And interrelated to my dream job as well. I gave it a go and tried my best, spending six hours straight for nothing. I am not a professional writer. Though the team in the workplace were very helpful, I decided to quit because I felt that I cannot cope with it. I wasnt being negative. But to spoon feed you with the guides you all need and I insisted to use a fork is a no-no.

To put it simply, I lacked focus in everything I did. From review to chores and other simple tasks. I also remembered my subscription on totallyadd (heyyy i know how to hyperlink lol) and somehow felt inspired and motivated that it’s not the end of the world yet. I read my favourite friday funnies and their articles. And fuck, why do I relate to their articles when I wasnt even diagnosed yet?

So in the course of two months in between the struggle in completing my tasks, (my struggle in the video game completions included but it has another story lol) I started looking for a consultation online regarding my probable ADD. I had one last month but it was only a free consultation and the psychologist tried to rule out early onset dementia. lol what the fuck? My family was aware of the consultation and my sister said i didn’t focus on what should i focus on. Lmao. So let us not blame the person who ruled out that effin dementia. OKAY. i looked for more consulation sites and decided on the lowest price. BUT since i lacked focus, congratulations, I landed a paid consultation today at seven pm. I have many things to do and think about but I am thankful to this opportunity which I had done and decided on my own (a round of applause please!) I just hope this goes well. Because I couldn’t start on preparing on what I had planned until i talk to a professional. In fact i started the day with a bang because I never played a single videogame since morning up until now. Instead I finished a 1 hour video review. It was a good start not until a family member of mine talked to me about decision making and clearing that they wanted me to get a job. Because focusing on review isnt sustainable financially. Also, i forgot it already. Because i took a large sip of coca cola. Lol.

The job issue is different. There was a misunderstanding with communication. I am kind of a robot, so i work best with a single keyword or phrase. Job. No money. That is what i am thinking about right now.

So to sum up everything, i lacked focus in everything. But before I get working on the key words, I will focus on my consultation. Because relying on a probable disorder without confirmation from a professional gives me anxiety. From small tasks to landing a job and even quests from videogames to having a family of my own etc.. it blows the shit out of my brain.

So what i need to do today is relax and hope that everything will be settled before the end of this day.

I guess i have said what I wanted to tackle. I will update this blog with the results. I just hope I dont forget my schedule and that I have a blog. Lol. That’s what alarms are for. 😄

sign of the times

First of all, i would like to thank God for the rain. It brings back the good memories of my childhood. The generic feeling of happiness. I always associated rain with happiness. i didn’t win an award or anything. It only makes  me want to blog about something a bit important. I am here not to over-analyze things or rant about myers-briggs and impending diagnosis. lol. It feels strange to type on my computer since i haven’t blogged in a while. today i’m going to discuss something relevant to pop culture, particularly music. lol.

my hiatus has been caused by depression. Yes, i was diagnosed legally by a shrink. that’s the time i was waiting for harry styles’ new single “sign of the times”. i used to be a jolly type of person with a lot in mind, but i didn’t try to entertain my thoughts about depression that was taking it’s toll on me. but deep inside, i didn’t wanna listen to Harry’s new single because i knew something was wrong with me. the feeling that i don’t want to associate a nice song with what i feel. i felt like the world had stopped. technically time won’t stop for you even if you are a strong believer of fate. because time is continuous. seconds fade and even if you don’t do anything, time flies. but for me it felt like i stopped working. i missed the daily chores as if no one would scold me why am i being so lazy. i got detached with reality. there was no hope and it seemed like i was waiting for my final hours to be devoured by an invisible black hole. i have surrendered to the darkness. there’s nothing to look forward to. Until i prayed and bingo, my family has decided for me to go and see a shrink. i am currently on medications and i must say it helps me a lot. i feel like im back on track. And i now listen freely to Sign of the times. but i have to admit it had a familiar feeling on getting by depression “we don’t talk enough”. feelings should not be kept, i guess. and emotional problems should be acknowledged to be solved. My bum state hasn’t been resolved. I must admit that i’m still confused on what to do– yet im getting by. i couldn’t help but self- diagnose myself that i have add. and i’m going to discuss this once i see my shrink again. i still have problems with focus. i am not forgetful like people with dementia. but i guess i’m gonna leave it here and wait for my next appointment.

The medications helped me to stay positive regardless of the turbulent times (family problems, joblessness, confusion) dear, it could also be a test of faith, but i can say now that when i pray i am very much focused. you know what’s the secret? Cigarettes. LOL. i have found out that when i smoke while I’m praying, with a glass of water beside me, my thoughts become sharp and i could literally confess and recite everything to God. Smoking has been a part of my life– i know for some it’s rubbish. but it’s something that i want to take advantage of, if i can’t quit by now, I’m gonna use it for productivity. Like now, i smoked and had coffee to clear my thoughts and to focus on what i want to write.

by the way, i am still INTP. not relevant but i think i am paying more attention on the feelings of others which im not really good at. just sayin’. hahahahahaha.

so what can i say to Harry Styles’ single? Well. he is really tazlented and his song reminds me of the old times: Pink floyd, oasis, black sabbath and my personal favourite song, Dessert moon. harry has a good speaking voice and a nice singing voice. But personally, sign of the times isn’t my cup of tea. I know it was good. but not something to be repeated over and over unlike ed sheeran’s shape of you. (i never had this song in my playlist. i just hear it a lot on the radio lol). But i’m happy for Harry and his new album. i have to admit i am old enough for one direction. but i appreciate them because they remind me of my days in the United Kingdom. the happy-go-lucky days, the nice weather and the expensive stores. haha.

what made me write really is Niall Horan’s single: Slow Hands. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. i just downloaded it and i couldn’t help but focus on the song. the first time i saw the title i knew it was gonna be good. and intuition-wise it gave me an idea that the song would become my ultimate favourites. and so i made my mum listen to three songs: sign of the times, slow hands and attention. she said all of them were good and she recognized Charlie Puth’s voice at the end. Funny because when i listen to Slow Hands i didn’t realize that my mum was talking to me. I always loved Niall’s singing voice and if i were in my teens, i would go for Niall during One D days. I like his part in their song Better than Words. And today, I am so happy i got inspired by his lovely song, Slow hands! The song is absolutely amazing!!!!!! it reminds me of Eric Clapton and John Mayer. it makes me wat to be ready for a new relationship. LOL. the song really makes me feel good. And i’m really thankful Niall created such a masterpiece.

and lastly, i am thankful for my newfound old friend who is INTP as well. she is authentically INTP with a tinge of J because she’s organized and precise. I just want to mention it because talking to her makes me feel good. between me and her i can say that she’s more of INTP. because sometimes i act like a bratty INFP lol. i am just thankful for her we kind of reconnected again. So i guess i’ll see you around. im going to update you about my next appointment.

at the moment i can’t help but fall in love with Niall’s mew single. it’s not bad to daydream a bit of having a relationship and playing slow hands as your theme song. LOL. Ciao!

p.s. i changed my password here. im getting there….. the unified password project lol.