it’s okay to be a nobody before becoming somebody

this new UI is quite confusing it took me 5 mins to find the “write a new post” lol

So again I’m here because Im waiting for my phone to get fully charged. I tried to clean up the clutter from our small table and of course I failed lol. I was just amazed that I have a co-worker that have adhd. but the thing is, were the complete opposite. He’s the most competitive in our batch. I based his competitiveness on the stars of course because he’s a scorpio. Lol. Little did i know he has adhd and was diagnosed when he was just a kid. So there goes the judgement of the people. They find him weird and just wants to be at the top, on the top? Whatever lol. I was wondering if he could be hyperfocused and hyperproductive at work, then why cant i? meh, i might ask him how he does it maybe its on his star sign hahahahaha! There are really some people that wherever they are, they kinda excel in what they do. Because of their drive. So my plan tomorrow is to play pretend again. I hope i dont forget. I will pretend that im a scorpio and i will surpass everyone’s productivity tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHA! I hope i wont forget this! So this is also a memory test, and a mood test! I do remember things but when i dont feel like doing it i just let it go. Lol. And also i have an alarm at 12:45 am because my daughter has a fever and i need to give her paracetamol.

okay. Back to the title. This coworker of mine is somebody. And i am the nobody. He just reminded me of the ILLUSION (i call it snd capsed it– yes there is no such word as capsed. Capsed locked it! Lol) because it hasnt happened yet! That full potential! My dream job! I mean i dont know what my dream job is yet! Lol! So there goes the problem! How do you chase a dream when you dont even know what your dream is! Before writing on this blog, i prayed to God that if i cant be good or the best at anything, then help me become the best mother for my daughter. At last I prayed for something specific while looking at the white wall in our bedroom. I even asked for forgiveness (this is kinda super duper personal but i dont mind, nobody knows my real persona hahahaha) because when I pray, i forget that im praying, and i get lost my own thoughts.

although i havent said thank you to the people who treated me like normal and not neurodivergent, well bless them. But sometimes it’s frustrating- no most of the time. Even my partner doesnt understand what is on my mind. He doesnt research about adhd. Anyways discussing my lovelife here is difficult to translate in english lol. So i forgot and then suddenly remembered it!

when i was in london i had a penpal or email pal and i completely forgotten about him until i went back home. Funny thing is, i suddenly remembered him after 5 years and reviewed my old mail. Twas my fault i forgot to reply to his email lol. To some people its just random forgetfulness but i mean this person was remarkable! He’s cute, intelligent. I wonder how is he now! But i think i have forgotten my email that i used to email him lol.

i remembered of just getting tired about adhd people getting tagged as it’s not something to worry about. Like my sister who says Michael Jordan has adhd. Well i dony know mj personally and i havent researched about his struggles before becoming a nba player. All i know is all my life ive been struggling because even though that im smart, i always get left behind! So The question is, will i ever be good at anything, or incredibly great at something? Aside from washing the dishes lol. So im waiting for that “destiny is calling” because all lines are busy now! Lol. Will i become i great writer? Or an animator or should i come back as an app developer ( the course i paid and failed lol) well i have an appointment with my Dr on one of my day offs. I wont pressure myself on knowing what career would i really like to pursue because i still have lots of ideas to the point that i have no idea on those ideas! Hahahahahaha! But im serious about my prayers! Meanwhile i hope i remember my play pretend tomorrow! I just sometimes get that feeling that there is something missing! What about nursing? Well i loved working at the ER but i i guess er is just a phase. I love working at the hospital but the people/ management are so annoying! So working from home is kinda breath of fresh air.

so i hope if anyone who reads this and have the same mind as me, dont lose hope! Who knows because were good at getting lost, destiny might find us in the right place and the right time (because we got lost! Lol)

i just remembered i have a blog after two years!

Time is 11:30 PM

so after two years how did i manage to remember that i should write here? Simple. Because i am full of energy today and i had a cup of coffee instead of chamomile tea LOL.

This morning i woke up before 6 am because I gotta get to work at 8 am. And yep i dont work in the hospital anymore. So basically the setup is now work from home. And i am not working at my home but my mom’s home. Lol. Kinda confusing? Well my mom had an accident and she had undergone partial hip replacement. Since I am the nurse in the family we decided to transfer back for the mean time until she gets fully recovered. So i have a semi-broken family set up i dont know what to call it. Whatever!

I am worried about by new phone I just bought and my mom is doing great and there is no connection to that I just remembered to clarify that my mom isnt that ill she gets into my nerves sometimes i think she has ADHD. She kind of forgets that ahe had a major surgery and tries to walk like normal. And well my phone I remember ( Im using LTE is more ill than my mom hahahahaha)

and then I realized that I, again dont know whwere to start and just trying to type what comes inti my mind.

So what happened to me in two years??? I feel kinda organized so im gonna enumerate them.:

1. I quit my hospital job because I was transferred from ER to ward. (This was the main reason I quit since I dont have that job hopping mentality because i dont like the process of getting hired– interviews, requirements etc)
2. i still have my partner Lmao. I dunno why maybe because i am financially okay? Hahahahaha.
3. Because of the stress brought by my mom’s accident and my duties as a mother and my stressful work ( we have a timer and it prompts every two mins when youre away ) i decided to consult online to get tested if i have got depression or anxiety or ADHD. Because everything was so overwhelming i Felt like i have gotten worse in performing my daily tasks.
4. since i have a new phone, this is a camera test.
   

This cockroach has been watching me for about 5 mins or more. Well if it understands me, dont move little creature, i dont have my weapon with me. Lol.

Funny because at work I was called out because of my low time on our system. And the team leaders see our activities on the computer and asked so youre having short breaks every hour? I should have said, correction! Every 30 minutes!

6. I would like to congratulate myself for having access again to this blog! Thanks to smartphones! And thanks to me because i rarely delete old emails. And i was feeling uneasy at work for the past 9 months. Btw i was just hired last March Lol. I find it stressful to sit in front of your computer doing notjing. We are required to finish 30 tasks per hour. A total of 214 for 8 hours. And i always finish the half of it for one hour only. so i remembered why not write. Since i cant force myself to do something i tend to go out, smoke, come back in two mins, jiggle the mouse, repeat. I decided to come back to blogging again. I dont vlog. It just feels uncomfortable. And i am not that broke enough to make my own reels. Lol.

so this is my last resort when i feel restless. Wanting to do something but i dont know what to do. I am always restless by the way i just dont speak to my family about it.

So before this post/ month ends i would like to inform whoever is reading this that I am now officially diagnosed with ADHD. Okay so nobody was shocked. Even me. And i still have pending counselling with the Psych but eventually i forgot to follow up when? But isnt that his job to ask me? Lol whatever. Lets just say it’s holiday season. Maybe hes busy. And oh it’s Christmas! Merry Christmas!

it’s hard to write using a small phone with new UI from wordpress. I feel kinda relieved but not yet relaxed. I wnna get up and smoke. But i thank myself for cheering me up. Its okay to entertain yourself because people are always busy! So hwre i am, reading and writing on my own blog to feel normal. Lol. Until my next post!

The law of distraction.

This is the second part of the diary of a undiagnosed ADHD

There is so many things running in my head since morning and I felt that strange bolt of energy within. In most cases I compare the energy with lust. The lust for doing something which involves creativity such as writing, drawing or anything that has to do with art.

This is a quick post though, because I committed a videocall with friends at 3 pm. And i’ve got to wash my dog and give him medications too. I also have to take a bath after bathing my dog. And i have to do these in less than an hour. SOUNDS GREAT isn’t it?

I remembered that I work best under pressure. The mild form of anxiety gives me focus on what I do. And contrary to the title, these distractions would be very helpful in finishing my tasks. I already talked to a shrink regarding my mental health issues. And found out that I dont have any forms of depression nor bipolar disorder. I also submitted a copy of my Asrs test. Whatever you call it.

This morning i applied for a job, followed up my last pay in my previous work and helped a little in preparing our lunch. So i didnt review for my test today. Because my key words are money and job.

My shrink also adviced me to write down what I want to do. And think about it because I tend to do things with impulse. So it’s 2:26 and I had to pause writing. I purposely delay finishing my blog post because I want to write clearly about what I want to talk about.

2:56 P.M. I am not used to documenting what I do in details but because it has a purpose, it wouldn’t hurt that much lol. I have read an article on totally add and got into the hype. As well as my shrink said, i dont have to conform to what other people do when they review. I like games. Especially videogames. So why not turn something boring into something fun. More of like challenging yourself in doing a simple task. Of course there are distractions ahead and the challenge is do not let the distractions distract you. While i was bathing my pet, since i had to leave the medicated shampoo for ten minutes and got the chance to buy some cigarettes and a chocolate biscuit I kinda missed eating. The rule is, if ten minutes doing nothings bores you, then you can do something else by minding the time.

I am not usually like this. But i was just motivated because of the strange energy bolt i am feeling. I tend to delay things especially when it’s important. But right now I am just rewiring my brain by doing something just like when I am playing videogames. AND the relief that I am normal helped too. I am just taking advantage of the energy I have got.

Most tasks for me are quite boring. So the key is to make things interesting. Whether shallow or deep. Like having a job, is kinda boring for me. So what I think about is another keyword. LAPTOP. having a laptop is having power. Power to get another job, and with the right specs I could start doing what I love or what I might love in the long run. If i get a job then I could buy a laptop. And install games or theme maker– taking advantage of technology with a high speed internet lol. How I wish today was like everyday!

I would also like to focus on writing clearly. It takes time but by practising a lot who knows I might write soon a straight to the point article or post. Lol.

Another tip to myself is challenging myself with another game. This sounds creepy but I like to pretend that I will die in 5 years and I have to be rich before I die. lol. I act with impulse So I added a little pressure. (Because i didnt say i will die tomorrow lol). Of course theres this system in my head (sorry I havent written it down. But I am relying with keywords which I recite to remember.

To earn money is first to have a job. And I also had to test myself by applying what I have read in an online class about money management. It’s tough though. But I am in a roleplaying game. I pretend that I want to become rich. And since I love playing games I am in! LOL. sounds crazy but it is more appealing than the reality that I am close to midlife crisis and still havent got a property lol.

We have different strategies in approaching life’s struggles so I am not saying my strategies will apply to all, maybe for some as silly as me. If it doesn’t work then Ill have to find another strategy– which I consider another game. Of course I have to reward myself for the good outcome. And in order to to that I have tl remind myself of the key word: job. lol

P.s. my videocall conference has been moved to 4:30. So i have plenty of time to prepare! And i even finished a post! So congratulations to me!

And the title says distraction. Well life is full of distractions. I admit i forgot something I wish to mention. Because as I write I am kind of distracted myself. But this distraction is also a form of review. Remember that distractions are related to functions, you just have to keep your mind open and continue your exploration. I dont know who said that. Maybe it was me! 😆

You had one task.

This is a diary of a undiagnosed ADHD patient.

In my prevous posts I self-diagnosed myself with ADD. Time has passed and I am proud of myself because I learned the importance of headings when writing an article. But this is not an article though. It states on the headline that it’s a diary, duh! lol.

Regardless of that proud moment I am writing with a heavy heart. Not that someone or something died but because something is alive. And kicking! It is one of my major problems knocking again in the time of pandemic. AND IT KNOCKS REALLY HARD because i don’t have a job right now. Lol.

Today i will try to focus on my lack of focus. LOL. Funny because it came up to me dressed perfectly ready to attack me and my dear future. It happened when I decided to focus on reviewing for an upcoming exam to get me working overseas. It started two months ago, and to think of the progress well obviously I failed. That’s when I started to see that I may need professional help to see if I had a problem.

During March i thought about a lot of things: looking for a job online, setting up a small business, upgrading my heroes on genshin impact and ranking up on mobile legends with the help of strong teammates. Lol. What about the review? I did some and did well. (Two tests) and the rest were video tips. I had to congratulate myself for finishing an hour video for i have my personal limit of watching videos. Just 20 mins or less.

On April I had the opportunity to become an article writer and I thought it would help me on my review because they are somewhat related. And interrelated to my dream job as well. I gave it a go and tried my best, spending six hours straight for nothing. I am not a professional writer. Though the team in the workplace were very helpful, I decided to quit because I felt that I cannot cope with it. I wasnt being negative. But to spoon feed you with the guides you all need and I insisted to use a fork is a no-no.

To put it simply, I lacked focus in everything I did. From review to chores and other simple tasks. I also remembered my subscription on totallyadd (heyyy i know how to hyperlink lol) and somehow felt inspired and motivated that it’s not the end of the world yet. I read my favourite friday funnies and their articles. And fuck, why do I relate to their articles when I wasnt even diagnosed yet?

So in the course of two months in between the struggle in completing my tasks, (my struggle in the video game completions included but it has another story lol) I started looking for a consultation online regarding my probable ADD. I had one last month but it was only a free consultation and the psychologist tried to rule out early onset dementia. lol what the fuck? My family was aware of the consultation and my sister said i didn’t focus on what should i focus on. Lmao. So let us not blame the person who ruled out that effin dementia. OKAY. i looked for more consulation sites and decided on the lowest price. BUT since i lacked focus, congratulations, I landed a paid consultation today at seven pm. I have many things to do and think about but I am thankful to this opportunity which I had done and decided on my own (a round of applause please!) I just hope this goes well. Because I couldn’t start on preparing on what I had planned until i talk to a professional. In fact i started the day with a bang because I never played a single videogame since morning up until now. Instead I finished a 1 hour video review. It was a good start not until a family member of mine talked to me about decision making and clearing that they wanted me to get a job. Because focusing on review isnt sustainable financially. Also, i forgot it already. Because i took a large sip of coca cola. Lol.

The job issue is different. There was a misunderstanding with communication. I am kind of a robot, so i work best with a single keyword or phrase. Job. No money. That is what i am thinking about right now.

So to sum up everything, i lacked focus in everything. But before I get working on the key words, I will focus on my consultation. Because relying on a probable disorder without confirmation from a professional gives me anxiety. From small tasks to landing a job and even quests from videogames to having a family of my own etc.. it blows the shit out of my brain.

So what i need to do today is relax and hope that everything will be settled before the end of this day.

I guess i have said what I wanted to tackle. I will update this blog with the results. I just hope I dont forget my schedule and that I have a blog. Lol. That’s what alarms are for. 😄

The power of later

One of my greatest dreams is to write a book. A book that will change some people’s perspectives about life. Im not rushing. Because i feel like i dont have enough knowledge and experience yet to write what i want others to convey. I guess this is my purpose. My real purpose: to send a message to random people. Of course i would publish it for free. I learned things for free so why would i get money from it? 

Life sure is mystical even though we kind of predict things through common sense and science. Predicting things is one of my favourite hobbies, that’s why i was inclined to study palmistry, astrology, body language and myers briggs. Lol. My hunger for predictions extended to predicting people, knowing them without their knowing so i know what im gonna do or how im gonna act. Because i despise interacting with people i try to learn by the book. And the inevitable interactions with people — i do it to see if what i’ve studied is true. So all my life, i guess, i’ve been studying and experimenting everything everyday. I have helped a couple of people though. I explain the side that they can’t see or understand. I have failures though. Sometimes i get caught up in logic i forget that this person’s myers-briggs is incapable of deciphering my point. Lol. Sometimes, knowing a lot can be a pain in the ass because you’re the one who’s gonna adjust in certain situations. Most people arent interested in learning and are incapable of change. They want to be accepted for who they are and how they think. It’s sad because problems in general are usually caused by misunderstanding because one isnt willing to change. It’s also sad that people aren’t a fan of logic. I know logic also has limitations. Logic cannot hold the world in general. If you would read the bible, it says that you must do everything in love. There is no logic in love. And i wonder if there’s love in logic. I love logic. I love science. But my love for these things had gotten me into trouble. Minor troubles i guess. 

For example. Pardon if i couldn’t explain what im going to say. Lol i always think in advance. I calculate things in my mind. Not necessarily money. Im bad at counting in numbers. But i like to measure things. Or i measure everything. It’s mental math. Not necessarily in formula. ( even during school days i get right answers in math without using formulas) we were eating our lunch and i was given an extra rice. I cut in in half or rather 60 percent and gave the other 40 to my friend. She insisted that i should get some more because she knows me and i still have plenty of ulam. ( asians eat meals with rice ) i said no i dont have enough, thinking that i have calculated how much rice would amount to my meal. She tried to put her rice on my plate and before the rice fell i held her arm signalling a strong “dont put that on my plate or else you will die” manner. I might have offended her. Im sure i did (she’s a heavy Fe user).  My point is, its hard to explain to someone what goes inside your head. Saying that this half of rice is enough because i have mentally measured the ratio of my meal and i know what i need without presenting a formula might come off as crazy, or weird. Im not intelligent. I just know some things and everyone is capable of measuring things normally. I dont know. Having me to explain things will complicate situations because im not comfortable in talking. Thats why i love writing. Im not a quiet person in contrast. I just hold back because honestly most if the situations i encounter especially the simple things, the small talks, i usually shut up, process things the whole day before i come up with my response. But i dont usually respond. Even with rigel. He has said a lot of things which i havent responded. It felt like a dead end to the conversation. I have a couple of responses in my written in my head but i dont blurt them out. I prefer to process them. So im an idiot. Lol. The question is, am i numb? Maybe to others, I am. Because my reactions (except anger- when something isnt logical or hurts my family members) are always flat affect or a strange laughter. This is one of my lifelong problems: i think too much it makes me non responsive or numb to others. I even consult simple things on how should i react if i couldnt find a solution myself. Because my conclusion most of the time are none. Lol. This ends to okay i really understand why i havent got a relationship. Because i am dead to reactions. Maybe im not really interested in romantic relationships. Even an experiment for the sake of studying it wont do. Like as some random guy to pretend to be a boyfriend just to see what goes  in a relationship starring me. It’s kind of desperate and pathetic and a bait for abusive or cunning man. But most people would see it as desperate not knowing my real motive- it’s weird to explain it in layman’s term. 

Anyways i feel my hyperacidity is attacking me so im gonna go get some rest. I promised myself not to overthink things. 

About my book, of course it’s about the meaning of life. And God’s existence. As a lover of logic and science it would be weird to write something like this. But that’s one of my goals. And my other story is like most of the stories. Its just how i view the world. An allegory in reaching anything you truly want. 

What do you do when you’re in love? Me: wait for it to fade.

I planned to write on my story yesterday and i had the time the whole day today yet i haven’t started anything. Nothing has changed. We had a discussion at home about the old problems, the root of all the problems which destroyed the potential progress in terms of financial matters. Misunderstandings occured and eventually i have cleared myself for saying something i didn’t mean. But the discussion caused me to realize something: No one saves you except yourself. The power should be within you, not from others. In contrast with how i understand the world: we were designed to lack something, so that someone else would fill the holes. Im talking about life in general. It’s what the deity wants. To help each other: to love one another. Well my realization isn’t off course (pardon for the wrong grammar) because i was talking about fulfilling your grand purpose. We may have different purposes or calling. I should say we need not to consult others on how you’re going to do it. Or we may consult others’ perspectives and if it doesnt align with how you want to do it, then drop it. 

My lifelong burden has been causing me too much trouble. If i would present all the lines i used in my previous blogs, it would represent a circle.  I would try my best to define my problems. I hope i could do it. I still think i have add. Ive got poor memory when it comes to important things. Maybe that’s the reason i am stagnated. 

Now i forgot everything. Lmao. Okay then i remembered:

1. Focus. I cannot focus on my ultimate goal. Adversity isn’t a factor to hinder your goals. It might cause delays, but perseverance is the greatest evidence that will shun the universe to give it to you. 

2. I trust myself too much i procrastinate. To describe this superpower of mine i declare that i have a vision. This vision contradicts the power to act upon what you see. It is considered as nothing. Because having a vision without doing anything is just a vision. To prove my vision, i told my best friend 18 years ago that i dont need to wish for cars because i know i will have one soon. 2016 i bought an old jeep. It’s not a car but at least i didn’t do anything about it. I mean didnt persevere for the sake of having a vehicle. Lol. 

3. I see the world as a cruel place, because of other people’s way of thinking. It is written in the bible that the world’s worldly actions will worsen as time goes by. Can we do something about it? Maybe no. But we can choose not to be involved at least. 

4. I trust myself too much i come up to conclusions which cannot be changed. This is related to number two. This is the negative vision lol. Sometimes consequences dont matter as long as i have predicted it. It gives me the sense of power that i knew something. Or avoid something never knowing what’s gonna really happen because of the negative vision. The results are probably (i used the word probably because im certain that it wont do me any good) missed opporunities. I didnt take paths which im fucking certain are meaningless but it could mean that im just a fucking coward trying to escape the real outcome. I remember the wuote from heisenberg that the path continues to move when we observe it: something like that. Of course it’s physics but i try to connect it with life. 

5. When i truly love something, i become silent. I dont do anything. I dont shout it to the world i keep it. Because of cowardice and numbers 1-4. I have this stupid conclusion if what’s gonna happen. It comes with overthinking. 

There’s more but im tired to think of them really. The worst enemy is your self. Of course it may not be applied to others, like soldiers. Lol. And my conclusion to this post is to do something about my goals. Even the cigarettes dont help at the moment. Again i might just be procrastinating, writing about things that are not really problems. It might cause me a lot of burden but not to the people around me. They have their own problems. 

Staying silent, as ive said. I was judging Rigel without his knowing. I miss him a lot. And it felt like im the only one doing things to communicate or be with him. Thinking that he’s fine without me makes me feel sad and motivated to move on. I dont know but i havent said it to anyone how i felt. I dont know if i love him. Maybe i do. The set up we have isnt enough to say the things i want to say. Dont get me wrong. I will never declare my feelings for him. It’s just random research on how his mind works. Being with him makes things easy. Reality-wise. Easier and happier. And i have concluded that this person would make my days better until i die. Funny because he knows nothing. Lol. Sometimes he gives the hints that he kinda understands me. But most of the time his words came from a practical approach. The tangible things, the real-world things. So currently he is my object of study. But im avoiding it. I guess im justifying that i was wrong about my happy ever after conclusion lol. If he’s ordinary (a typical turn off for me. ) then why do i still not change my mind about him. Him getting into a relationship would destroy me. But im not afraid. Or still am, but these things i entrust to the divine. Lol. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) feelings fade. And im just waiting for it, as the title says.

Testing the waters

So im writing again via phone. Another evidence that i couldn’t contain my current standing in the game of life lol. Sometimes i feel guilty for sharing my blog to someone i know because they might accuse me of being a weakling or being ungrateful. I dont give a fuck anyways. This is my trash bin and it’s obviously metaphorical. I couldn’t write via laptop because our computer is in the living room, it feels uncomfortable writing something even if they dont look at what i am doing. That’s another reason why i couldn’t continue my next episode. 

Im just here to tackle about actions and consequences. You enter a situation, and you are aware of what’s gonna happen. There’s a bonus: that’s when you dont expect something which will happen. I usually predict things as i enter a new setting. So it happened. Job wants me to conform. And i dont want to. Lol. I havent googled the exact meaning of conformity. But i think im on the right track lol. I know the solution: try to conform even if it clashes with your principles. I have written this before. I was just reminded again because i didnt conform to them. Lol. Now another solution is: play pretend. And find something that im gonna think about to shun away the real issue. That’s what i did. Or that’s what i always do. Don’t get me wrong. I am very good, at least in what i do, except the sales shit. Now im thinking what’s it like if im gonna be a parent. Maybe i’ll conform to them just to feed little mouths. A perfect excuse for someone who needed escape, and a perfect example of hard work and inspiration for real parents. 

Im not being smug here. Actually i feel bad for not having the kind of thinking most people have. Conforming to society, going with the flow, not thinking of harming others or violating one’s principles. 

So this post is an evidence that there’s an event in my life (actually the whole blog) that i might just laugh about someday. So the solution i have thought is to see a clairvoyant. My actual reason is to TEST his ability. I predict the future too. I am very curious about his talents. If ever he says something bad or i dont like, well or he might not show up due to a certain incident, or we wont show up because something happened. I cant help but imagine things: everything that could possibly happen- this, my friend, i believe, is a Ne- dominant trait. Lol. But it kinda excites me. It’s something i look forward to— some reason to at least bear the stress my work is causing me. 

I am also thinking that my dream job is still away. But not as far as from ten years ago. Still, a small progress is still a progress. The thing is, im going to unravel the mystery of the clairvoyant with Rigel. Who happened to be interested in knowing the future. That’s why im also anxious about what will happen. I think we’re the same. To be together in one place is inevitable. We do things for a purpose. I dont think this is an excuse just to be with his company. I think he became a medium on extracting what i needed to know to fight in my own game of life. I mean a medium could be anyone. But it happened to be him. No emotions involved. Just plain purpose. I told you i dont let emotions win. It’s just a bonus i happen to be with someone whom im comfortable with. But i still find it strange. But if being with him has a price, i wouldn’t thank him (i did) but i shouldve thanked his purpose. Same with me. I had a purpose seeing him. I needed data for my ultimate dream. Imagine what would happen in the future. If i reached my ultimate dream, maybe he’s married then with kids. I don’t know. Still testing the waters like watching his every move for me to dismiss what i have concluded in my past posts. 

Exciting isn’t it? We’ll see what happens. 

Escape.

Obviously  i am writing this during working hours. All i can say is i’ve been distracted since birth? Lol. I mean i am aware on what i should do but i couldn’t find the time to do it. I had a seesaw of emotions since morning- from feeling great to feeling down and then back to feeling great again. Sounds silly, innit? But i was just affected with what a friend told me. Sorry to admit this but im still not done with Rigel. Good thing my bff’s busy. She would understand. Let me explain this to anyone or whoever scans this note. I write things because they are like a coin. Something with two sides: happy and unnecessary. Or unpleasant. 

I am sure my sentences aren’t constructed very well. So i am skipping to next paragraph. I am very much sure that in this case, i write to annihilate everything i felt for this person. I wouldnt deny that i was happy. Honestly, the happiest if someone would ask me, and to make it more accurate strangely happy. So the morning went well. Even though i was filled with questions the excitement and happiness had taken over my mood. (Pardon for the wrong grammar) until I Consulted this trusted friend who told me to stop. (I need not elaborate). Do not get me wrong. I may be emotional deep inside, but i never let my emotions win. There are times when i want to cry while listening to music like enjoying every bit of drama, but hey i feel alright afterwards. I couldnt even read the old posts about him because of embarrassment. And the fact that my feelings had gotten deeper. My friend had a point. I had to stop seeing him. But then later on the day i concluded that i just let things happen. I made a deal. And i might get into bouts of what-ifs or i wish’s but at the end of the day it will become crystal clear. 

Third paragraph. Obviously my mind is distorted right now. Im already home. My emotions are trying to take over my senses and i have to use logic to overcome them. I used logic just this afternoon. It didnt do me good. So the last resort would be faith. Lol. I guess ill just hold onto faith. 

sign of the times

First of all, i would like to thank God for the rain. It brings back the good memories of my childhood. The generic feeling of happiness. I always associated rain with happiness. i didn’t win an award or anything. It only makes  me want to blog about something a bit important. I am here not to over-analyze things or rant about myers-briggs and impending diagnosis. lol. It feels strange to type on my computer since i haven’t blogged in a while. today i’m going to discuss something relevant to pop culture, particularly music. lol.

my hiatus has been caused by depression. Yes, i was diagnosed legally by a shrink. that’s the time i was waiting for harry styles’ new single “sign of the times”. i used to be a jolly type of person with a lot in mind, but i didn’t try to entertain my thoughts about depression that was taking it’s toll on me. but deep inside, i didn’t wanna listen to Harry’s new single because i knew something was wrong with me. the feeling that i don’t want to associate a nice song with what i feel. i felt like the world had stopped. technically time won’t stop for you even if you are a strong believer of fate. because time is continuous. seconds fade and even if you don’t do anything, time flies. but for me it felt like i stopped working. i missed the daily chores as if no one would scold me why am i being so lazy. i got detached with reality. there was no hope and it seemed like i was waiting for my final hours to be devoured by an invisible black hole. i have surrendered to the darkness. there’s nothing to look forward to. Until i prayed and bingo, my family has decided for me to go and see a shrink. i am currently on medications and i must say it helps me a lot. i feel like im back on track. And i now listen freely to Sign of the times. but i have to admit it had a familiar feeling on getting by depression “we don’t talk enough”. feelings should not be kept, i guess. and emotional problems should be acknowledged to be solved. My bum state hasn’t been resolved. I must admit that i’m still confused on what to do– yet im getting by. i couldn’t help but self- diagnose myself that i have add. and i’m going to discuss this once i see my shrink again. i still have problems with focus. i am not forgetful like people with dementia. but i guess i’m gonna leave it here and wait for my next appointment.

The medications helped me to stay positive regardless of the turbulent times (family problems, joblessness, confusion) dear, it could also be a test of faith, but i can say now that when i pray i am very much focused. you know what’s the secret? Cigarettes. LOL. i have found out that when i smoke while I’m praying, with a glass of water beside me, my thoughts become sharp and i could literally confess and recite everything to God. Smoking has been a part of my life– i know for some it’s rubbish. but it’s something that i want to take advantage of, if i can’t quit by now, I’m gonna use it for productivity. Like now, i smoked and had coffee to clear my thoughts and to focus on what i want to write.

by the way, i am still INTP. not relevant but i think i am paying more attention on the feelings of others which im not really good at. just sayin’. hahahahahaha.

so what can i say to Harry Styles’ single? Well. he is really tazlented and his song reminds me of the old times: Pink floyd, oasis, black sabbath and my personal favourite song, Dessert moon. harry has a good speaking voice and a nice singing voice. But personally, sign of the times isn’t my cup of tea. I know it was good. but not something to be repeated over and over unlike ed sheeran’s shape of you. (i never had this song in my playlist. i just hear it a lot on the radio lol). But i’m happy for Harry and his new album. i have to admit i am old enough for one direction. but i appreciate them because they remind me of my days in the United Kingdom. the happy-go-lucky days, the nice weather and the expensive stores. haha.

what made me write really is Niall Horan’s single: Slow Hands. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. i just downloaded it and i couldn’t help but focus on the song. the first time i saw the title i knew it was gonna be good. and intuition-wise it gave me an idea that the song would become my ultimate favourites. and so i made my mum listen to three songs: sign of the times, slow hands and attention. she said all of them were good and she recognized Charlie Puth’s voice at the end. Funny because when i listen to Slow Hands i didn’t realize that my mum was talking to me. I always loved Niall’s singing voice and if i were in my teens, i would go for Niall during One D days. I like his part in their song Better than Words. And today, I am so happy i got inspired by his lovely song, Slow hands! The song is absolutely amazing!!!!!! it reminds me of Eric Clapton and John Mayer. it makes me wat to be ready for a new relationship. LOL. the song really makes me feel good. And i’m really thankful Niall created such a masterpiece.

and lastly, i am thankful for my newfound old friend who is INTP as well. she is authentically INTP with a tinge of J because she’s organized and precise. I just want to mention it because talking to her makes me feel good. between me and her i can say that she’s more of INTP. because sometimes i act like a bratty INFP lol. i am just thankful for her we kind of reconnected again. So i guess i’ll see you around. im going to update you about my next appointment.

at the moment i can’t help but fall in love with Niall’s mew single. it’s not bad to daydream a bit of having a relationship and playing slow hands as your theme song. LOL. Ciao!

p.s. i changed my password here. im getting there….. the unified password project lol.

Why aren’t you successful yet?

Whoa. The title is simply overwhelming. Lol. Again, excuse me for my grammar. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. I’ve been jobless for more than two years. I am here to explain myself or rather make an excuse on what has happened to me. LOL. And i can’t believe I stared at the computer for five minutes before writing this particular sentence. If you would picture my PC, I have 7 open tabs, where two sites are the same.and the other one is my email where I got the link of the two. Yes, I’ve been working on my passwords. I am only going to use one password for every account. My password isn’t that strong, so it can be hacked. but nobody is interested in hacking my account because i have no bank linked to my account lol.

Alright. how do i start? let’s begin with personality tests. All my life, ever since i knew how to use the computer I have been taking personality tests, to the point I have taken most of them I even took personality disorder tests. LOL. When I was in high school, My sister printed a MBTI test and i got the Champion. (enfp). When i grew older and started working, it changed to ENTP/ INTP. but recently, i’ve become a consistent INTP. Wow. Einstein. LOL. If you will read about the INTP, it will fascinate you because the INTP is a genius. but wait, what if your IQ isn’t special? just normal. I am raising my right hand. Yes, dear? Yup. I am all about the negative INTP. lol. I allotted my free time for about an hour reading about the negative side of the INTP. So many ideas, in fact you get lost on one idea for days and you don’t finish anything. lol. My idea is so grand i think nobody can help me. but wait, what about my other ideas that are equally great? So you get lost until you find something interesting until you become disinterested and the cycle goes on. And while I am typing this post I am answering another MBTI test hoping my personality type will change. LOL. Ive read about the ENTJ and according to research they are the most successful, highest paid employees. LOL. But again, that’s just some survey.

Alright. i have finished the tests and it said:

• You love ideas, theories, and complex concepts
• You analyze things logically and objectively
• You are independent, unconventional, and do not care what others think
• You think like a scientist and question everything
• You have little patience for people who are intellectually inferior

It is obviously an INTP, but i need to sign up to get my full results. LOL. so i won’t share the link. hahahaha.

So if i focused on the positive sides of the INTP i could do better. Right now, I am imagining that I am only interested in one thing. That is making blog templates and selling them online. I already added the how-to on bookmarks. together with 10+ i added but never opened. lol.

Alright, the following paragraph is a very detailed description of me: of course i’ll provide the link. because i think it’s worth checking and is waaay funny for me.

INTP: The Egghead

The typical INTP is a logical, abstract thinker whose intellect is ideally suited to understanding pure mathematics, linguistics, formal logic theory, and other pursuits unsuited to making a real living. The INTP can often understand even the most subtle nuances of lattice quantum chromodynamics, but cannot perform more concrete tasks such as dressing himself, operating a motor vehicle, or opening a door. An INTP may be able to tell you how to construct a nuclear reactor from a coconut and two pieces of string, but may be completely incapable of fixing a hole in a boat.

The INTP is really only suited to two careers: college professor and game show contestant. Of these career choices, only one offers the financial rewards which allows him to suport himself; for that reason, INTPs often take the other path, and become tenured academics.

RECREATION: Surprisingly, INTPs are often the hit of the party–not for their sometimes annoying habit of turning every discussion into a debate about semantics nor for their fascinating stories about Pierre de Fermat’s habit of writing things in the margins of his books, but for the fact that they often show up with their pants on backwards and that if you put a Post-It note reading “Kick Me” on an INTP’s back, he won’t notice it no matter how many people kick him. That kind of entertainment never gets old.

COMPATIBILITY: INTPs make ideal companions to INTJs, as neither of them notices they’re in a relationship.

Famous INTPs include Pierre de Fermat and almost everyone who knows what Pierre de Fermat wrote in the margins of his book.

https://www.xeromag.com/fun/personality.html

P.s: i don’t know who Pierre de Fermat is, but i think he’s already dead. LOL. hey, but come to think of it, it is clear that the INTP is a real genius. nevermind. let’s get to another test.

Because I am a genius according to MBTI, i diagnosed myself (and I don’t need professional diagnosis because I AM A FUCKING GENIUS) lol, just kidding. i have no money. that’s it.

http://totallyadd.com/do-i-have-add/totally-add-quiz/

I took this test and voila! it said i have ADD. i signed up for their newsletter and i find it cool, interesting and of course i could relate to it. Looking back, when i was studying, I really couldn’t focus on what I’m doing. I play different games, chat with my friend, and enrolled for a free tech course which i just remembered now. LOL. to think that I am not rich. imagine my life as a book, tear up all the pages and leave just 2 pages. those torn (EMFMG= excuse me for my grammar! lol) pages were the opportunities i have missed. My best friend, sister, or some close friends would say: If i were you i could’ve gone so far. maybe it’s true. If they don’t have ADD and the negative INTP. lol. I am not dumb. (Or maybe i am if someone would debunk my personality test theories) lol. I have a 4 year degree course and some other relevant courses which if you will input to another person’s credentials they would probably rich by now.

So what the hell is wrong with me? how do i focus?. which should i prioritize? what do i want in life? Since i am aware of my problems, maybe i would succeed someday, not as quick as most people. i have light years while they have the regular time. LOL. i just reread the paragraph above and forgot to mention the two pages left on my book. that’s my birth and my death respectively. lol.

See you on my next misadventure episode.

another P.s: i haven’t written what i intended to write. it would probably make my argument better lolololol nevermind. another realization of mine: i only wrote about 20 percent of what i want to say. hahahahaha