“Knock, knock/Who’s there?/Reality./Reality who?

i thought my mbti fever has subsided. well, no. i’ve been more interested in it because i t is my main tool in assessing human behavior. wtf? i think i have taken different versions for more than 20 times. (i actually lost count, that’s only estimation, duh lol) and while digging deeper into the descriptions i refuse to believe that i am an intp. so i tried answering cognitive functions tests:

i first dissected the descriptions from a thoughtcatalog article. it comes up when you search for a certain type confusion. (bravo for the seo!) my results were Ti Ni Fi Si. an intp should have a se instead.

second, i tried another cognitive functions test. it involved a little math that didn’t hurt. (arithmetic and percentage) and i have gotten more confused because My results (according to the percentage were Ni Ti Fi Ne) there. two active Intuitive dominant functions. of course i tried to compare the output with different orders of the dominant functions of the 16 types. the closest was an infj yet still it’s not. so i decided to use the xy axis to plot the possible answer. and compared it with the sequence of the output percentage so i had to do little arrangements. well im not good in math. i admit. it’s not a guessing thing. but i just have this strange problem solving skill which i can never explain to someone. but i have relied in it a couple of times. during math tests back in high school, college, i got the results right regardless of the knowledge of an equation. (some professors might have accused me of cheating. because i didnt write the step by step solution on how i have come up with the answer. lol). so i have two possible verdicts on the MBTI. it’s either there could be more possible types. (not only 16). Because if you would base  mainly on the basic test, it would categorize you as one of the 16 types. but like me, it didn’t fit one of the 16 types if i used the cognitive functions test. OR, i am plainly dumb in  english and in  understanding the cognitive function questions. lolololololol. i have a high respect for those who have started and developed this MBTI thing and you cannot just say: Sirs and Madams, i think you would have to add another categories for each type. for example. an intp could not only be a Ti Ne Si Fe. but could be a Ti Ni SI Fi. but since i am just a jobless occasionally obsessed nobody without the knowledge of its algorithms. i have nothing to back up my suggestions. lol. i am just waiting for myself to lose interest in mbti.my infj sister thinks i lost myself in this mbti thing.

third, i answered the old JUngian test and my type was: unkown. hahahahahahaha. Well, if i would base on mbti descriptions, i could be an intp. because im currently interested in mbti (i have familiarized myself with the other types– the types of people who are important to me. and some interesting test subjects who are less important to me). it’s better and way different than astrology. i do not regret studying astrology (it’s different from horoscopes). i don’t predict what will happen to an aries tomorrow. i just know the descriptions of an aries personality. lol) but hey, astrology is still interesting though. i guess i believe everything is connected. i verbalized my love for science and my wish to work in the field of physics, and my esfp brother just said, there are things that are certainly impossible to reach. i  thank my brother for the very wonderful support. lol. almost everything interests me. but not the game of thrones hype. lol. i have heard it’s a very nice series and almost everyone have gotten hooked to it. but not me. i dont know. i have reasons. 1.) slow internet connection. i could not download episodes. 2. i could not sit for an hour long watching something. (in case someone gave me copies of it|) i prefer 20 minute sitcoms such as the big bang theory. 3.) based on what i heard about GOT it has a little resemblance on my novel LOL but i dont see it as a threat. WHOA.  4.)i am busy. before someone will call me trying hard to be a genius/ frustrated scientist because of my interests. yeah, i read about theory of relativity and string theory in my leisure time. okay, i take it back. nobody knows i read them. because i read via phone. and nobody checks what im currently reading lol. another thing that interests me is religious beliefs. well i have an INTJ iFriend. did i just use iFriend? yes. an ifriend is someone you met via internet and the i could also mean interesting friend/ or same interest friend. LOL. he’s intelligent and have a great reasoning skills.

okay. back to reality. this monster keeps on knocking  at my door. i just peer thru the window and didnt notice anyone in there. because reality isn’t a person, i guess. i couldnt tell my loved ones that im happy to be with what i do at the moment. being an unproductive citizen and daughter in terms of financial aspects. LOL. again, i don’t know. Maybe because of the boring options on jobs. and if ever i landed a job it would only mean i just got in there out of luck and curiosity. i feel sad actually. facing the future. im just holding on to interesting things that will happen along the way. such as a new joke from a new co worker. hahahahahahaha. well again, i dont know. I am not a bad person but i just dont really feel in sync with reality. i will get a job someday. that’s what i said three months ago. lol. i feel sorry for my family while they feel sorry for me. hahahahahaha. i have to think of the time when reality was quite okay. by the way i used reality as a representation of what is really going on externally. the boring norm, and not what’s going on inside my head. because to some, reality is a perception of one’s own. a person with schizophrenia has a different reality perception same as those who are high on drugs. LOL. anyways. good luck to me. and if reality is equivalent as possibility, i might turn into an object one day, metaphorically.

why do i exist?

the last time i posted i was feeling down, and after i cleaned the house while thinking of the matter, i felt ok. lol. what a weirdo.i can’t imagine a world without internet. because everything you want to search is just one click away, it is a great opportunity for finding answers and sharing what you want to share. this is a good opportunity for your voice to be heard. i’m not talking about MAINSTREAM or popularity because some people are so blind and technically out of touch about the real problems of the world. My mbti fever has subsided. come to think of it, one test cannot really describe a person because each person is unique. some may be true but the insights provided cannot dictate or help you get along with the changing world. Just like astrology, you cannot define a person’s destiny by looking at the planetary alignment, even if you know your birth time. lol.

since i was a child i have this strange passion for discovering the mysterious. and today i just read the theory of relativity–for kids lol. Thank God for Einstein. and the other guy who wasn’t as famous as him. LOL. Since it’s difficult for me to EXPRESS WHAT I WANT TO SAY, i made them in caps so i won’t get lost when i forget another topic in my mind. and of course i will try to point out what i wanna say and it seems that i forgot it already. lemme drink a glass of water first. lol. okay im back. alright, while trying to remember the topic in my head i will just skip to write about my lack of focus and forgetfulness. Sometimes i wished i focused and got involved with mathematics and physics. or any other sciences. my first course’s science- related, and the second one math/ logic related. not bad. but what’s happening in our life– we must be aware that we cannot control some things. (like this phrase. it’s been said and written and published and has been put into quotes and shared on facebook) and sometimes we have these things and it makes us suffer. whether it’s a severe acne problem, big bone structure, getting molested when younger, disabilities, congenital sickness. whatever our problem is, it all boils down in our personal kettles. we suffer. that’s why we find comfort with people who have had them or currently has them. (i have a pizza faced friend whom i tease because of his acne– okay i wasnt being mean. he’s also mean to me lol. in this case i don’t say that people with acne is okay to hang out with acne-filled people. it will seem funny to others who sees them) pointless. lol. so what im trying to say is, at least if you can do something, try to find some ways which will help you cope with it better.people need people. in contrary to what i’ve been trying to say to myself. but that’s the truth. we were not born to live alone.

another thing is the struggle of finding what ticks you and you’ve gotten into troubles looking for it. or recognizing what you wanna do yet it feels it’s light years away from you.   Simple. don’t give up. (another words of encouragement we’ve always heard or read before) so, suppose i have found my true niche, which is my writing fantasy stories which, as of now, doesnt earn me money. even if im happy to write or read them alone, it still feels better when someone else reads it and comments on how great your work is! The problem with me is my laziness and my distracted personality. i sometimes tell myself, it’s alright, maybe im just one of the ordinary people who dream less, and be okay as long as we have a job, eat three times a day..

now i dont think im making sense of what i want to say. hahahahahahaha. okay the last paragraph, i want to say that i want to find an alternative way and disregard my fantasy story. lol. sometimes i really feel like i want to get into research about mental illness, and behavioral problems. i occasionally read articles printed by science and their findings seems cloudy to me. wtf? a loser writer commenting on the findings of researchers. im sorry, i want to help. but let the greater minds do their works as they please. hahahahahahaha.

 

now i think this blog seems like a draft to me. scattered. disorganized, whatever. my thoughts are chaotic, the world is chaotic. whatever ticks you, remember this life is a gift. i never wanted to be born, but here i am, blogging. maybe still skeptical about my purpose or true niche, but in case i am already there, there’s one thing that i must remember. (ive heard this all before) i must do things in love– to give back to the gift i have been given. and that’s being born. i maybe a jobless douche today but i shouldnt be stuck with what i am now. the important thing is, no matter who you are, you must make your existence meaningful. even on little things. it matters. at least, whatever you do, if it’s for the good of the world, it does help.  is this another excuse why i am or will never be successful in writing? lol. all i know for today, is im excited about the next chapter of my story.. and i have two readers, which is all good at the moment. lol

 

the universe hates you. deal with it. – Seamus Harper

nope, i haven’t read the world according to seamus harper. i dont have a single idea whether it’s a book or a series. lol. the quote just got into me. i have known that quote for a few years and that’s what i’m feeling. i applied for an online job as a content writer. and i dismissed my application. why? because they are asking me about my skills as a writer and i couldn’t even present my website full of loser posts. have you ever felt being born at the wrong time? if someone wants their body parts change thru surgery, well i guess i want to change my date of birth because i sometimes feel that i should have been born in the time of Noah. lol. okay, it all ends with a question of faith. where is my faith. it’s here. with me. never giving up when everyone has turned their back against you. in times you feel incompetent and useless. non-functional and dumb. i kind of understand drug addicts and terrorists, because they feel the world is a hopeless place they either destroy the world, or themselves. hey, im not an addict or a terrorist. lol. i dont even know how to make bombs. i haven’t even touched a gun. the only thing i have is my faith and my mind.–which i dont want to lose. lol. i guess i would just do my daily chores to be at least productive. is love the answer? maybe yes. love for family. so i guess i wouldn’t be picky with a job. i dunno. i don’t want anything. i suggest my followers to unfollow me. because this blog is full of hopelessness and self-loathing. lol. next time i’ll post something beautiful. i dont need self help books. i just need to think this over. i am an artist and i dont have a muse. lololololololol. a part of me says that i need to join the group of practical people and live in the ugly reality. i hate what the world has become. do i have the capability to change it? i need to change myself first. but i have no idea about the first step. i’m losing interest with what i see.

My journey as an INTP

The title obviously indicates that i am still hooked with MBTI. LOL.  I rested my eyes because i have been on the computer for three hours, randomly taking personality tests. My intention was to apply for a certain job. and to blog. lol. and i spent the entire three hours validating my myers briggs. lol. a few days ago i planned to write something emotional, something that has significant meaning in my life. but i dunno why i didn’t write them lol. i’ve also been thinking about , well i actually forgot it just now. Sorry. LOL. too many LOL’s eh? but this afternoon while having my lunch i felt like crying. it is kind of strange when i don’t enjoy eating because I love to eat. i like my food served hot. But today i didn’t bother what kind of food i was going to eat. i just ate what’s in the table. and it’s not actually edible. hahahahaha. just kidding. i did have a cold drink. that’s my technique when i dont like the food. a soda would do. my eyes are still hurting from the smoke from my cigarettes. and my nose too. from the smell of the mosquito coil beside me.
i decided to write because i still don’t know what to do with my life. my mom just asked me what i am doing because i’m busy. wow. busy. big word. lol. that’s because i missed my daily routine which is doing the daily chores. i don’t want to whine to her about my fucked up resume and my old age. lol. and could you imagine i haven’t looked at the mirror for days. if i were a guy i’d be having a 5-inch beard by now. lol. it’s obvious that i am not into taking care of my physical appearance. it’s not my priority. at the age of thirty i look like mother of five. lol. i refrained from smoking too much. and the cigarette shortage might bring me into panic attack. i want to escape for a while. i wanted to die for a few days. and come back to life with a magnificent job offer in front of me. that’s not how life works. here i am, doing nothing but writing. when i log out i might sleep after cleaning. or continue my flop series. sounds depressing isn’t it? btw, i do believe in dream interpretations, and i dreamed about interpreting numbers i have dreamed of, then a puddle of water inside the house – meaning poor spiritual connection. i do pray every day but i admit i often talk to myself while i’m talking to God, that i forget i am actually praying, and then i apologize. i looked at the small electric fan and thought that it’s blowing air on the other direction than me. lol. anyways, let me tell you a story. lol.

when i was younger i was subconsciously in search for the absolute truth, regardless of knowledge on the MBTI. lol. i actually made up my own personality types. it’s about the two-letter type. the S and O. the first letter symbolizes your view of yourself as a human being. and the other letter on how you view the others. S stands for subjective, and O for objective. The details are written in my small diary which i don’t know where it is. lol. and some of the details were written on myspace. Yup, and i was a typical loser on myspace. no friends. maybe about 4? hahahahahaha. so i therefore conclude that i am interested in how the human mind works, in terms of relationships. That’s why i got inclined to different personality types, as well as astrology. i tend to look on the theoretical aspect of dealing with these monsters, i mean people who are difficult to understand. it only gave me stress. and missed a lot of points, because i was dealing on the crappy objective side of the person and not the actual person. LOL. so if i would use my personal personality type, I’d b an OO. objective-object. hahahahahaha. i see myself and the others as test samples in conducting my personality profile test. when i got to college i was thrilled with Philosophy, that’s when i met the fountainhead. a book which inspired me to study. i hate studying. so what i did was, i cannot touch the fountainhead if i didn’t read a chapter of my textbook. hahahaha. i was also interested in communism. and i had the idea of the believer communist. a communist who believes in God. hahahaha. nope. i never got to read marx’s book. i also produced some quotes which competes for the absolute truth quote. a quote which has no flaw. i think it’s written in some of my diaries. and maybe it has a flaw. the grammar. lolololololol. My favourite quote which i made is: the best thing about being a Christian is the end. at first, it sounds depressing but for a believer, what matters is the end, if you stick to what you believe in. Religious discussions deserve another blog. And you just can’t prove something you don’t see, right? so let’s just leave it here. lol. and back in high school (i write in a disorganized manner. i have trouble in sequence) i made up a secret alphabet (i still remember how to write them lol ) i showed it to my best friend and she was happy about it. lol. but someone with a high IQ could easily figure them out. because of the pattern. I made it easy actually because i, myself am forgetful as fuck. lololololol.

now let’s go back to the present. while some people invested money on travel and material things, i did invest on education which lead me nowhere hahahahaha. nah. i dunno because i haven’t used it myself. i was mad as hell when a friend pointed out that i took up the course because of money. i wanted to kill that friend in one blow. the point is, why didn’t i kill the friend? because there’s no point in convincing one person when he/she is blinded by his/her own view. if i wanted money i’ll have money. hahahaha. you can’t convince people not to love money. and that is one of the world’s problems. we cannot do anything about it. I have been to an international church and saw people cry out to God, raising hands and praising and these hands wear expensive watches. if you would look at the floor you will see expensive bags. and their dresses, expensive brands. lol. maybe they think God gives them material blessings. nevermind them. people love branded stuff. my opinion on that is brands dont matter as long as you like the item. lol. the other thing i dont understand is the neverending cycle of quarelling couples when there’s actually a solution. okay. no judgement here. they say a good adviser is a failure in advising themselves. let’s take that back. hahahahaha. so why venture in a relationship when you see the potential problems. i used to hope that someone would save me from this harsh material-loving world. someone who would undesrtand me and do things for me (because i am always inside my thoughts i am completely detached with reality) or someone who will inspire me to live in reality. being unemployed for years made me realize that i dont need that someone. lololololololol. since i don’t pay attention to my physical appearance, i have zero chances on winning a date. fine with me. and if someone made an attempt i would bombard that person with ten mbti tests and will think im crazy. lol. i’ve seen the future, believe me. and since i am objective that poor person would only become a bitter test sample and leave. hahahahahaha. am i wrong on how i treat people? well i have a best friend whom i love so much and i think i kind of emotionally support her. how did that happen? because she said she needs it. and i know the meaning of the word emotional. lol. most friends complained that i was’t there when they needed it. i just told them you should have told me and i would have given it to you. whahahahahahahahaha.

besides from being a bum and the careless depressive state of mind, i never stopped writing on my crappy work. i am afraid that one day i’ll just break down and cry in the most unexpected place. well the place is expected. because i dont go out. i refrained myself from talking to some people. well i remembered i know someone who’s an intp. but we don’t click. and it seemed as he doesnt have a problem. same with me. i laugh a lot and like to joke around. and one of my professors have told me i dont know anything about being serious. alright. so it’s quite true that im an intp (with possible add ) and i am still in search for the ultimate truth. or a place where i can exercise my brain. too bad if this is the place. sometimes voices tell me that i should learn a certain programming language. ( i took a seven deadly sins test and i got sloth hahahahahahaha) and if i failed at finding that maybe this is the ultimate truth. that im a loser forever and ever. lol

a movie/self review

I am about to start writing on my series which is on its third season. I made a little note  about the details of my characters’ super powers. because it is intended to be a video game. but here i am, blogging. WHy? Simple. I am distracted. lol. Yesterday I was invited by my friend to watch suicide squad. since it was his treat, i didn’t mind what are we going to watch. lol. yet i still suggested before to try a local film. SO he commented that i should be a movie buff and watch marvel stuff etc because guys love movies. Alright, at first i had no interest in the movie but after watching it, it seemed like i was more drawn to the movie than my friend. I wanted to discuss the effects and the characters’ situation but he didn’t give me go signal based on how he reacted. SO i just kept the comments inside my mind. Therefore, i have plenty of reasons to love suicide squad. Mind you, i rarely post something earthy. i dont know the exact word for it. Mainstream? things which normal people love. lol. I am usually focused on my thoughts, my works, my broken self lol. Yeah but i loved the movie and thank him for the opportunity. i didnt say thanks to him by the way lol. First, the enchantress’ powers looked like one of my villain’s SUPER attack. but way different in color, radius and effects. lol. and i love villains by the way. I was controlling myself from crying while watching (not the emotional dialogues) i dunno. the effects? the fight scenes? lol. maybe because i feel like a villain myself (but i am a good citizen. a good jobless citizen) And, one of my interests before watching the movie is, if, someone can surpass Health Ledger’s portrayal of the JOker. And so, Jared Leto did a very good job. HANDS DOWN! he’s my favourite joker now. LOL. I am just happy i got the chance to watch something that inspired me to do better in writing my series. i won’t deny that my heart and mind is really into creating video games.I mean it sounds impossible. But come on. nothing is impossible as long as you don’t stop working hard to achieve it. So maybe i should explore the physical world to get ideas, to compare etc, because the field i have chosen is user- interface related. lol. it involves graphics. oh dear. it just feels weird a movie has caught my interest.

and since my favourite topic is myself, lol. I realized that being an INTP (yup i still have this MBTI Hangover) and based on personal observation and comments from people i know, that i really dont pay attention to my outward appearance. im not ugly, but i am not appealing anymore (unlike ten yrs ago lol). i also miss people’s feelings. i miss the fun as well. because i am only focused on my stories. and my thoughts. I will give you an example about how lost i am when i’m in my thoughts. The Philippines is a tropical country right? Ive lived in a cold country for five years and when i got home i didn’t mind the scorching heat. Because i was busy thinking. LOL. when i stopped thinking i felt the sun’s rays and then i wondered what’s the temperature in degrees? lol. i am a good observer but i really do get lost in my thoughts. Anyways, i also have pondered about not getting married or having a family. I have reasons (might as well overthinking results). i might turn my kids into monsters. lol. I had difficulty in dealing with people when i was young (and yup my family had no idea about this) i might become a dictator and push my kids to pursue science and math. and it wont hurt to do some sports. lolololol. enough of that. at the moment i am not interested in love. the so called one great love? nahh. im in love with what i do. writing. and i think i have a little crush on Jared leto. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. so if i have the time, i am going to watch some of his movies. to see if i really have a crush on him. because if i dont find him amusing in his other roles, it means i have a crush on Joker. lol.

P.S. i saw on Youtube that he is possibly an INTJ lol.

Why aren’t you successful yet?

Whoa. The title is simply overwhelming. Lol. Again, excuse me for my grammar. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. I’ve been jobless for more than two years. I am here to explain myself or rather make an excuse on what has happened to me. LOL. And i can’t believe I stared at the computer for five minutes before writing this particular sentence. If you would picture my PC, I have 7 open tabs, where two sites are the same.and the other one is my email where I got the link of the two. Yes, I’ve been working on my passwords. I am only going to use one password for every account. My password isn’t that strong, so it can be hacked. but nobody is interested in hacking my account because i have no bank linked to my account lol.

Alright. how do i start? let’s begin with personality tests. All my life, ever since i knew how to use the computer I have been taking personality tests, to the point I have taken most of them I even took personality disorder tests. LOL. When I was in high school, My sister printed a MBTI test and i got the Champion. (enfp). When i grew older and started working, it changed to ENTP/ INTP. but recently, i’ve become a consistent INTP. Wow. Einstein. LOL. If you will read about the INTP, it will fascinate you because the INTP is a genius. but wait, what if your IQ isn’t special? just normal. I am raising my right hand. Yes, dear? Yup. I am all about the negative INTP. lol. I allotted my free time for about an hour reading about the negative side of the INTP. So many ideas, in fact you get lost on one idea for days and you don’t finish anything. lol. My idea is so grand i think nobody can help me. but wait, what about my other ideas that are equally great? So you get lost until you find something interesting until you become disinterested and the cycle goes on. And while I am typing this post I am answering another MBTI test hoping my personality type will change. LOL. Ive read about the ENTJ and according to research they are the most successful, highest paid employees. LOL. But again, that’s just some survey.

Alright. i have finished the tests and it said:

• You love ideas, theories, and complex concepts
• You analyze things logically and objectively
• You are independent, unconventional, and do not care what others think
• You think like a scientist and question everything
• You have little patience for people who are intellectually inferior

It is obviously an INTP, but i need to sign up to get my full results. LOL. so i won’t share the link. hahahaha.

So if i focused on the positive sides of the INTP i could do better. Right now, I am imagining that I am only interested in one thing. That is making blog templates and selling them online. I already added the how-to on bookmarks. together with 10+ i added but never opened. lol.

Alright, the following paragraph is a very detailed description of me: of course i’ll provide the link. because i think it’s worth checking and is waaay funny for me.

INTP: The Egghead

The typical INTP is a logical, abstract thinker whose intellect is ideally suited to understanding pure mathematics, linguistics, formal logic theory, and other pursuits unsuited to making a real living. The INTP can often understand even the most subtle nuances of lattice quantum chromodynamics, but cannot perform more concrete tasks such as dressing himself, operating a motor vehicle, or opening a door. An INTP may be able to tell you how to construct a nuclear reactor from a coconut and two pieces of string, but may be completely incapable of fixing a hole in a boat.

The INTP is really only suited to two careers: college professor and game show contestant. Of these career choices, only one offers the financial rewards which allows him to suport himself; for that reason, INTPs often take the other path, and become tenured academics.

RECREATION: Surprisingly, INTPs are often the hit of the party–not for their sometimes annoying habit of turning every discussion into a debate about semantics nor for their fascinating stories about Pierre de Fermat’s habit of writing things in the margins of his books, but for the fact that they often show up with their pants on backwards and that if you put a Post-It note reading “Kick Me” on an INTP’s back, he won’t notice it no matter how many people kick him. That kind of entertainment never gets old.

COMPATIBILITY: INTPs make ideal companions to INTJs, as neither of them notices they’re in a relationship.

Famous INTPs include Pierre de Fermat and almost everyone who knows what Pierre de Fermat wrote in the margins of his book.

https://www.xeromag.com/fun/personality.html

P.s: i don’t know who Pierre de Fermat is, but i think he’s already dead. LOL. hey, but come to think of it, it is clear that the INTP is a real genius. nevermind. let’s get to another test.

Because I am a genius according to MBTI, i diagnosed myself (and I don’t need professional diagnosis because I AM A FUCKING GENIUS) lol, just kidding. i have no money. that’s it.

http://totallyadd.com/do-i-have-add/totally-add-quiz/

I took this test and voila! it said i have ADD. i signed up for their newsletter and i find it cool, interesting and of course i could relate to it. Looking back, when i was studying, I really couldn’t focus on what I’m doing. I play different games, chat with my friend, and enrolled for a free tech course which i just remembered now. LOL. to think that I am not rich. imagine my life as a book, tear up all the pages and leave just 2 pages. those torn (EMFMG= excuse me for my grammar! lol) pages were the opportunities i have missed. My best friend, sister, or some close friends would say: If i were you i could’ve gone so far. maybe it’s true. If they don’t have ADD and the negative INTP. lol. I am not dumb. (Or maybe i am if someone would debunk my personality test theories) lol. I have a 4 year degree course and some other relevant courses which if you will input to another person’s credentials they would probably rich by now.

So what the hell is wrong with me? how do i focus?. which should i prioritize? what do i want in life? Since i am aware of my problems, maybe i would succeed someday, not as quick as most people. i have light years while they have the regular time. LOL. i just reread the paragraph above and forgot to mention the two pages left on my book. that’s my birth and my death respectively. lol.

See you on my next misadventure episode.

another P.s: i haven’t written what i intended to write. it would probably make my argument better lolololol nevermind. another realization of mine: i only wrote about 20 percent of what i want to say. hahahahaha

if this ain’t depression, then i don’t know what it is

i actually don’t know where to start. i have tried to distance myself from chatting with some of my friends. and i had to turn off my phone and tablet’s wifi connection just to post on this blog. while everyone is keeping busy with their lives, here i am, just blogging. i have a deadline to beat, yet i haven’t done anything. i was given two weeks. and today the second week started. lol. but it’s not funny. i’ve had this feeling for months now, yet hoping that after this, it might bring me some motivation to leave this stagnation. Have you ever felt worthless yet you don’t do anything to become worthy? That’s it. my mind is working. im always thinking what should i  do with my life. i haven’t considered working too. crap! i feel lost. i just want to disappear. but that’s selfishness.what about my family? maybe i am too comfortable with my lifestyle that i dont want to face reality. the reality that i need to get a job and establish myself because im not getting any younger. im a believer of hard work– because i’ve heard lots of inspirational stories (real-life) that in order to succeed, you need to work hard for it. so let them succeed. LOL. i am not trying to be funny but here i am. stating  the fact that i am a fucking piece of shit in the universe. i’ve read this before. in my own blog. like six years ago. not the fucking piece of shit thing. at least at that time i had a job. good thing my friends dont know about this blog. i want to tell them what i really feel. yes i have told some. but they give advice: different advice on my situation. here they are:

1. be practical. get a job related to what i have studied (it’s in demand) save money so i could do whatever i want to do with my fucking life.
2. wait for the enlightenment. (gosh i love this friend of mine). i told her i’m going to attend a writing workshop which will start in September. she said it’s alright if i’m still unsure of what i want to do.
3. i can’t stay like this. finish my deadline and then presto! apply for a job.
4. . i just need love.

now here are my comments for each numbers: (i dont know if i  replied to them or not but if yes, this is not definitely what i said to them)

1. my old profession is alright. i sometimes miss it. but i dont see myself doing it again. or maybe when i do, it’s just imagination.
2. i’ve been waiting for that eureka moment. i know what i want to do. i just dont know exactly what should i do. working in my so-called true love’s so-called environment need a fast internet connection, and a NIIIIIIICE computer. when i say nice, it’s anything with all the specs and not this crappy auto-skipping-cursor-when-i-type-something-that’s-why-i-have-to-edit-what-i-write-every-five-minutes kind of computer. wait a minute. i love this notebook of mine. this is where i store all my story drafts. i didn’t mind when cursor skips when i write my stories. but this notebook isn’t good enough in writing codes. even it’s memory: if this is a person i would diagnose it with dementia. oh dear.
3. i don’t know how will i do my work because of this notebook. i know. it’s an excuse but its valid. i need a new computer. should i borrow one? i don’t have enough connection to make all the stuff work. and  imagine i have to google with this slothy internet speed. maybe im not really interested in beating that deadline. should i pay someone to do it for me? it does bother me but around 75 percent of myself dont give a fuck. because i dont want to do anything. im just waiting to be kicked out of the house. another thing. this “creative mind” (because i like to imagine extreme things like pointing a gun in my head for me to get something done), i think will just only get me into trouble. it’s not creative. it’s a paranoid mind. sometimes or all the time i imagine stupid things that’s not gonna happen.
4. fall in love? haha. that’s what i advised him when he was feeling lost. he did find someone and his life is well, on the right track. thank you for the lovely advice. but i will not find love because it seems that based on this post i dont love myself/ lol/.

i never changed. i always escape. since gradeschool. if i could escape, i would. but now i am looking for a new excuse just to skip hardwork? don’t get me wrong. i work hard. i just dont know the hell where to put my energy. forgive me for this post. i am hoping that sooner or later this feeling would stop. i am not excited about anything. i am not inspired. that its okay to be like this. but i know it’s not. men are designed to work. so the bottom line is. i need at least any job. not the perfect job. i dont deserve it. so ill have to change my dream. since i dont want to do hard work i will just live as a mediocre, and die in mediocrity. ive been dreaming of a good purpose. maybe this is my purpose. just another damn human being — alright erase that. im not a bad person. let’s put it this way. supposed i get a job i dont like. dont grow professionally, at least i never hurt anyone. now this is a good excuse. lol. just kidding. it just feels worthless to do something that you dont love, sacrifice your time just to be a decent citizen. someone who has a job.

it is said that GOd doesn’t give you trials you can’t endure. i dont have any other problems (pwera usog) other than this. my enemy is myself. maybe i’ll write something positive in my next post. but my conclusion, to make it clear, since i dont want to do anything in particular except a new job (because it’s mandatory), okay, any job will do. aaand applying for two or more companies wouldnt gurantee they’d hire me. but i wont prepare myself so let’s say my next post would be a series of rejections. lolololololol.

muse

okay. so my sister found out this blog. before that i was wondering whether i would move to another website or create another blog. and i think that would be better. my followers won’t mind lol. because i like to keep my identity secret. i always feel that nobody is interested in my interests. and i’m actually used to it. lol. i know i am annoying because of the negative vibes i send to readers and listeners. but come on. i was just stating a fact. lololololol. i used my thirty minutes playing with js. because i’ve read in some tutorial site that you coding shouldn’t feel like a stressful work, that’s why i controlled the results. and i realized that the site i’m using is much easier than sitting in a classroom and following the professor’s instructions. LOL. i wish i could turn back the hands of time. HAHAHAHAHAHA. imagine that if else statement shit which i couldn’t grasp before, is now easy. my bad because i didn’t pay attention. okay. i am not rationalizing. i admit that i lack focus. always. and now i have come to realize that when you master some programming languages you kinda have a power to control at least a program. isn’t that lovely? it had occurred to me before. a strange voice inside my head tells me that  “you are going to enjoy this.” “you need this in your life.” lmao. well. okay enough. lololololol.

okay so im feeling hyper because of caffeine. i don’t want to entertain the feeling that there’s some good news ahead. because i don’t want to feel disappointed. this year’s a difficult year for me because it’s my saturn return. lol. so saturn will leave me this august. i could explain what’s the meaning of saturn return without looking at any website accurately, because it is one of my interests. Anyways this post is nonsense. lol.

so the question is, what do i really want to do with my life? code? lmao. let’s just leave it here. what about not saying anything but instead do something. i dont need to broadcast it. this blog is crazy. lol. and by the way. i don’t have a crush on my crush anymore. lol. why? because there are other stars which are brighter than the sun. the more far-fetched, the more beautiful, mysterious, etc. lol.again, i have big dreams, high standards. let’s say today i am a jobless loser. but the tables will turn. because this blog is inspired by the future. i may not be an aquarius, but i have a vision. the stimuli is already around 48 percent for me to become enraged and transform into a determined monster. lol. by wednesday it would probably become 85 percent hahahahahaha. vague. yes. and i like to write because i want to track my progress as a loser. hahahahahahahaha. whahahahahahahahaha. wtf. i am an artist. and i have found my muse.

 

The dao of clash of clans

Hello! First of all, i didn’t bother touching my laptop today meaning i didn’t edit my resume. Hahahahahaha! I woke up around ten am. Lololololololol. So there. I hate sleeping late but i just can’t sleep! Because i need to collect 6 million elixir to upgrade my giant. Hahahaha! I know coc is not that popular anymore. Because of clash royale. I dunno, im not addicted to coc anymore. It’s just that i’m close to getting that 6m elixir. I used to be a coc addict. But the fact i managed to have time for it even if i was super busy — it’s called love. Hahahahaha! When coc was very popular ive read strange news about it. Kesho it’s a game made by the illuminati and had symbols of the devil etc. It destroys relationships, (well that’s quite true) becuse its addictive. / addicting? Lol. But for me i have learned a lot from coc. Coc is like life. It’s difficult to sustain it if you dont have enough money. Lolololololol. I never used money just to upgrade quickly. So when playing coc you have to be patient. Of course there are short cuts when u want to upgrade quickly but u need to use gems or other app cheats. But i must say that i am proud of where i am now at coc lol. See? Its like life! You need to take things slowly. Especially when u have no money. Lol. Am i making sense. I dont think so. Hahahahahaha! In every town hall level you become stronger because you get the chance to upgrade your troops. Just like getting credentials to find your perfect opponent– a job! Hahahaha! You also need to be cool and cooperate with other people or your clan in order to win wars. Just like in real life. I dont know why other people dont understand the beauty of video games. (Btw this is playable only on phones and pc) but its still a game. I dont know if im the only one who thinks you can learn from coc. Maybe because im nuts. Defending my time wasting schemes looting instead of applying for jobs. Lol. Anyways, back to my fave topic, myself lol. I have created so many online accounts with different identities. Because i dont want to be found. Lol. I realized that my characters are faceless. Different from each other. And like my passwords, they depend on my current mood. Ive got a lot of things to do! But i often forget them! And one of my projects– i only remembered it now! I think i should focus on that. Well anyway, i dont think i could make money out of writing. Because of my fluctuating mood! I used to dream about creating a novel like the fountainhead. Then a powerful love story, or defeating eckhart tolle’s the power of now. ( i call it the power of later) lol. Im a fan of procrastination. Well i still write on my children stories 😂😂 pathetic. Yet i dont give a fuck because i laugh a lot when i read them. Just like my blogs. Lol. Well someday i’d like to see them on videogame or on tv. Well that would be up to me. I dont know if i could make them popular. I just want to see them move. And mind you, there’s no short cut to success. Just like in coc, it took me one yr to get to th9. So maybe ten or 20 years wont hurt. Whats important is, you dont stop working on it. And you dont notice the time. Bcause you are happy when u do it.

Something

Again. Sorry for the wrong grammar. Lol. While i was typing the title of this blog i noticed that i shook my head. (Or is it was shaking my head) okay i already apologized for the grammatical errors of this post so please do continue and dont give a fuck. Lol. The reason i shook my head because this happened before. Many times. I couldn’t sleep because something’s bugging me. In my previous blogs i blamed it on caffeine. And yes, i had plenty of caffeine today. Lol. And i was supposed to edit my resume. I did edit my resume. I tried to put some art and then noticed the time 11:oo pm so i decided to sleep. Lol. Before that i had a battle. (Positivity versus negativity) in my mind. Lol. The funny thing is positivity won, so i didnt bother to edit my resume. (Tomorrow is a new day! Hurrah!) lol. But because i had caffeine overload i couldn’t sleep. If i had edited my resume it shouldve been ready for printing tomorrow. Lol. What a rubbish post. Hahahahahahaha! I dont know. If people like me. Will succeed. Hahahahaha. Crap! But if you will think about it, for example, you have a big exam on a certain subject, you didnt review because you didnt feel like doing it. And the next day your professor’s sick. So, no exam. Lol. I am not rationalizing my laziness. I think it’s just funny. Maybe ill get by with this attitude but no distinction in terms of success.  I am not against hard work. In fact i am surprised that i involuntarily worked hard in some phases of my life. (Whatever you call it! ) well i think this post is pointless for some. But meaningful for me. Meaningful because this is my outlet. After this post i will be fine and soon be in good working condition. I guess in life there’s plenty of stress. Stress that leads to overthinking then paranoia. If i were an HR i would never hire the author of this blog. Hahahahhahahaha! Because it seems that the writer is unfit for the job! How come there were employees that i know who passed the exam,etc but were unfit for the job? Dumb HR. I guess. Lol. Or palakasan. Oh dear. I think i shouldnt be too harsh on myself but sometimes i do this or a lot because i am fucking procrastinating all the time! Hahahahaha! I dont always work hard but when i do, i work til i lose my senses. Nice nice! Have you ever had enough time you had taken all the personality tests on google search’s pages 1-3 and still remember the questions? Yes! Lol. Name all the mbti/jung typology websites. Been taking them since i learned how to use the internet. Result? Intp. Always. They say that einstein’s an INTP. He’s my idol. And the only similarity that we have is we dont know/ want to drive. Lol. I havent tried it though. Anyways let me define my personal mbti result. Intp. Introspective Negative Thinking(over)Paranoid. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Perfect! Mind you, this is only an outlet. I call this therapy. Writing clears my mind. When the world has taken its toll on me(at least in my imagination) i write. At least i do not whine about love life! At this moment i remembered my crush. I call him mr sunshine! Because there are plenty of stars in the universe. Bigger, brighter, bolder, yet the sun is the only star that shines over the earth. Giving life! Wow! But he shouldnt be mr sunshine. Because the sun is in the perfect position. So it means he will never be mine lol. Or im not the earth. Im pluto. Hahahahahaha. I think im talking like crazy. I just remembered his face and i suddenly talked about the solar system. Well even i dont earn money from writing, i still consider myself as a writer. A writer is someone who creates something awful into something beautiful. Wait, isnt it called recycling? Lol. No thats garbage to something useful. But theyre kinda similar. And a writer exaggerates things. Like for example you read ” the sheets that hugged them produced heat… Sorry it sounds like sciencey. Lol. What i mean is authors can make sex like an art or something beautiful but the actual physical thing is it’s not. Its more of a funny and a little disgusting kind of thing. Hahahahaha! Well because writers focus on the beauty/ feeling rather than the bad things or unnecessary things. Okay enough of this shit. So it’s 1:20 am and how am i supposed to get up early and edit my resume? Lol. We’ll see! Hahahahaha