My most embarrassing feeling.

I was supposed to write something inspirational but i am emotionally fucked up. Lol. Since i don’t feel like talking to anyone today regarding what i feel, again im gonna leave my trash here. Lololololololol. So i have a couple of minutes to write and im hoping i could sleep before twelve midnight. 

So what happened? Nothing much. I left my phone at home but i brought my charger at work. Lol. I answered sudoku and read the newspaper dated yesterday. I looked at the atock market as if i had an investment lolololololol and answered a bit of the crossword puzzle. It wasn’t bad after all. 

I have also been watching Goblin, the korean drama series. But i guess it deserves another post. Maybe if i got it right, i mean my description of emotions towards the series. I could relate to the lead character and i dont know why. Maybe because he is living for almost a thousand years and i feel like Im 939 years old yet nothing has happened in my life lol. It’s not funny. Lololololololololol. 

Maybe im about to have my menstruation that’s why i feel alone and sad and angry with the people i know. The feeling that no one’s there for me when i needed someone to talk to 😂😂😂😂. I need to cut this crap because i look alright and it is not obvious that i need help. lol. Anyways why would you open up when they wont understand. I’ll just feel annoyed right? 

Okay and this one really affects me. Which one? Forgive me for my fucked up post. It just came to me while i was praying. I will try to enumerate them so i wont get confused. 
1. Rigel. He doesn’t like me. I mean it’s okay for him if he doesn’t see me. He doesn’t think about me. How did i know? I just know. I have got no time for self-pity or crappy insecurity feelings. But i quite understand the way how he feels or behaves. It’s logically correct. So i’m not mad at him or whatever. I value logic above all. I mean of course maybe second from faith. Lololololol. 

2. I feel so stupid for liking Rigel. 😂😂😂😂 it’s completely irrational. And you know when it’s not logical i tend to dismiss it. What’s the point? Lololololololol. I just hope my best friend wouldnt read this. She might laugh at me and tell me you have felt that so many times and it will soon pass. Well i agree.

3. I used to blame my future husband when things go wrong with my love life.  Lololololololol. It’s also illogical so i have dismissed it. Funny because whenever i  almost fall for someone i say to this non-existent being. It’s all your fault! Being non-existent is your sin that’s why im all fucked up. Lololololol. Stupid, isn’t it? 

4. I’m a coward. Wait, what? Yes. In terms of love. Why? Because love is an emotion. Sadly, i still couldn’t figure out this one. Even with friends. At least i admit it. I hate drama. Even if i do it occasionally in my blog posts, lmao! At least i dont bother someone. I just write them to feel better, right? But love, (as a feeling and not as a choice) is kind of complicated. Also the commitment thing. Because once you commited yourself to someone then it means you have to invest emotionally. You become possessive, etc. But im not joking when i say i could love someone from afar. (The unrequitted type lol) this one works better for me. But to others, being single and loving someone unconditionally is funny or dumb. And another thing i admit i sometimes feel embarrassed being single. Because to some it means no one is interested in me or something is wrong with me. No one bangs me, etc. Lolololololololololol. But that’s fine. They wouldnt understand why am i single.i have reasons and my reasons are not applicable to most people. 

So i would ask myself, what if Rigel is in his 30s, someone i met somewhere in college or in travel, and he likes me? Hell, no. If circumstances have changed it means that he might have been married to someone, or i might not notice him. Why? I dont know either. Lol. I am not very good  in explaining things especially when im in a crappy mood. I never wished Anything about him to change. And Rigel’s an evidence that God is really powerful and accurate in his timing. If we were born on the same year we wouldn’t meet. 
The bottomline of this rambling is he doesn’t like me. Or he likes me as a person like i like random people who are never involved in my personal life. Im writing these things so that someday ill just laugh about them. 😂😂😂😂. And it’s 12:23. 

And because what i felt during the times we were together are just one-sided. And the next sentence would be the most embarrassing words i would ever write. It’s so stupid i felt i want to spend the rest of my life with this person. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. See? I have never felt this with my past loves/ friends/ crushes. Even with my former crush. My totga. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Funny, isnt it? That’s why i wrote it. Because i want to prove that i was wrong.. or will be wrong soon. 
I just let my emotions drown me a bit every day i think of the day that he leaves. Whahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! He doesn’t even know i like him. Because i would never ever admit or show it or give hints. Because it’s pointless. 

Dont get me wrong! I am not in love with him. And if i were, im just waiting for it to fade. And if it doesn’t fade, well i dont know. I might write a novel about it. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Everything happens for a reason

Hello! I was supposed to write on my project today but i procrastinated lol. That’s fine because i still remember my idea— after church i got this idea of a new story. Something related to Rigel. Lol. This idea came up suddenly because i liked Rigel so much, i might be able to preserve the good times we had with a twist. You know nobody knows what’s gonna happen in the future— so if id written a story about us we could have a happy ending. At least in one of my stories. Sad, isnt it? Just like Annie Hall. I love that movie. But i still couldnt find the perfect introduction or first episode. My ideas are all scattered in my brain’s dimension. 

I went back to his empire yesterday. Of course i had reasons. When i was at home i thought my feelings were gone because i wasnt excited to go there. I went to his empire around five pm. And i played with the kids. I really had a good time with them. Being with the kids taught me something about myself. That im learning to be sociable? Lol. I dont know. I never let anyone invade my personal space— i used to hate kids. I hate a lot of people. I avoid people. But these kids changed me. Last month gave me the hint that hey, i could be a generous aunt. I loved them and thought about giving them gifts on Christmas. Well i never really give gifts on Christmas except for my family. Or compulsary gift giving. But during my days abroad even if my roommates gave me gifts i never reciprocated them. Lol. Because im one stingy old hag hahahahahahahaha. Anyways these kids made me realize that i have a heart. Lmao. And really my best friend’s family feels like my own. And yesterday was perfect. I also realized that my interests— well im also a kid at heart lol. Ive had plenty of experiences especially with all kinds of people. I have mingled with them to observe and validate my life long study about human behavior- to fully understand relationships. Because i admit that im not very good in dealing with people. I have my own world and it’s unusual if i enjoyed something outside it. I used to loathe reality. Because i never understood it. I am more focused in spirit, i also read and study a lot about life and its essence because frankly worldly acts dont appeal to me. Ive tried them but i just dont see its value. To me it’s pointless.

 I have viewed reality as a sickening place. People getting worse in creating more chaos. It all starts in one family. Because no parent is perfect and the passing of the usual norms and traditions (not all kinds of course) create impact on the younger people. And it’s up to one person how to act upon it. We have our own paths to take and based on  judgement or perception you create your character or defense mechanisms through life. As the title says everything happens for a reason- people who understood and learn from all kinds of pain would survive and pass it on the next generation. But again the chaos of reality is inevitable because not all people will fully understand its meaning. And as a man of reason, even though logic has a high chance of solving problems, we must not forget that we are not computers- we are all human and the greatest thing God has taught us is to love. 

I was supposed to be talking about Rigel lol but nah i just want to write down everything i can think of. I know i couldnt pass writing on ielts if i write like this lol. But my conclusion after these scattered thoughts i can do this! I can write my conclusion down: here it goes. The simple time i have spent with the kids is a fresh splash of reality: A good reminder that reality isn’t bad at all. It made me stronger and inspired me that my world shouldnt revolve around my fantasies. ( i have two kinds of fantasies- one that i know would never happen and the other one: theres something i could do about it lol) 

AND THIS KIND OF REALITY MADE A PORTAL MY OTHER KIND OF FANTASY. I cant believe theyre connected lol. It’s hard to explain it but i think i am on the right track. 

So God let me and Rigel communicate to remind me to pursue my dreams. And to enjoy life at the same time. 

The not so good part of this post is, okay i am trying to control my greatest skill, overthinking lol. Sis and mum have warned me not to do it in every situation. But for me i dont call it overthinking. It’s more of a preparation of reactions and feelings over a set of possibilities 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Okay overthinking isnt good actually. Because Rigel is leaving soon. Imagining him leaving everyday makes me sad but it’s one of my techniques to let out pieces of emotion so by the actual time he leaves i have ran out of feelings 😂😂😂😂😂😂. It’s kind of weird if WOUld still feel sad on the day he’d leave, because it’s for the better. I never cried when i parted ways with friends because i know they would be in a better place ( no, im not talking about heaven lololololololol) i meant better opportunities so im happy for them. But as for rigel i feel sad regarding the potential time. Because i think he’s the one i rarely one to spend my time with— other than family or close friends. Shit! I will surely miss him. What the fuck is this? Lol. Maybe because he’s into technology and he fuels my desire to pursue my goals. But man i admit i am quite confused. I have plenty of reasons why i like him. 
I dont wanna state all the details being with him because i wasnt focused on him when i was there. I just couldnt bear the thought- wait. I think i could manage without him. Lol. I have reasons why. But i admit life is better when i spend time with him. 

So much for this. I need to sleep. Lol