“Knock, knock/Who’s there?/Reality./Reality who?

i thought my mbti fever has subsided. well, no. i’ve been more interested in it because i t is my main tool in assessing human behavior. wtf? i think i have taken different versions for more than 20 times. (i actually lost count, that’s only estimation, duh lol) and while digging deeper into the descriptions i refuse to believe that i am an intp. so i tried answering cognitive functions tests:

i first dissected the descriptions from a thoughtcatalog article. it comes up when you search for a certain type confusion. (bravo for the seo!) my results were Ti Ni Fi Si. an intp should have a se instead.

second, i tried another cognitive functions test. it involved a little math that didn’t hurt. (arithmetic and percentage) and i have gotten more confused because My results (according to the percentage were Ni Ti Fi Ne) there. two active Intuitive dominant functions. of course i tried to compare the output with different orders of the dominant functions of the 16 types. the closest was an infj yet still it’s not. so i decided to use the xy axis to plot the possible answer. and compared it with the sequence of the output percentage so i had to do little arrangements. well im not good in math. i admit. it’s not a guessing thing. but i just have this strange problem solving skill which i can never explain to someone. but i have relied in it a couple of times. during math tests back in high school, college, i got the results right regardless of the knowledge of an equation. (some professors might have accused me of cheating. because i didnt write the step by step solution on how i have come up with the answer. lol). so i have two possible verdicts on the MBTI. it’s either there could be more possible types. (not only 16). Because if you would base  mainly on the basic test, it would categorize you as one of the 16 types. but like me, it didn’t fit one of the 16 types if i used the cognitive functions test. OR, i am plainly dumb in  english and in  understanding the cognitive function questions. lolololololol. i have a high respect for those who have started and developed this MBTI thing and you cannot just say: Sirs and Madams, i think you would have to add another categories for each type. for example. an intp could not only be a Ti Ne Si Fe. but could be a Ti Ni SI Fi. but since i am just a jobless occasionally obsessed nobody without the knowledge of its algorithms. i have nothing to back up my suggestions. lol. i am just waiting for myself to lose interest in mbti.my infj sister thinks i lost myself in this mbti thing.

third, i answered the old JUngian test and my type was: unkown. hahahahahahaha. Well, if i would base on mbti descriptions, i could be an intp. because im currently interested in mbti (i have familiarized myself with the other types– the types of people who are important to me. and some interesting test subjects who are less important to me). it’s better and way different than astrology. i do not regret studying astrology (it’s different from horoscopes). i don’t predict what will happen to an aries tomorrow. i just know the descriptions of an aries personality. lol) but hey, astrology is still interesting though. i guess i believe everything is connected. i verbalized my love for science and my wish to work in the field of physics, and my esfp brother just said, there are things that are certainly impossible to reach. i  thank my brother for the very wonderful support. lol. almost everything interests me. but not the game of thrones hype. lol. i have heard it’s a very nice series and almost everyone have gotten hooked to it. but not me. i dont know. i have reasons. 1.) slow internet connection. i could not download episodes. 2. i could not sit for an hour long watching something. (in case someone gave me copies of it|) i prefer 20 minute sitcoms such as the big bang theory. 3.) based on what i heard about GOT it has a little resemblance on my novel LOL but i dont see it as a threat. WHOA.  4.)i am busy. before someone will call me trying hard to be a genius/ frustrated scientist because of my interests. yeah, i read about theory of relativity and string theory in my leisure time. okay, i take it back. nobody knows i read them. because i read via phone. and nobody checks what im currently reading lol. another thing that interests me is religious beliefs. well i have an INTJ iFriend. did i just use iFriend? yes. an ifriend is someone you met via internet and the i could also mean interesting friend/ or same interest friend. LOL. he’s intelligent and have a great reasoning skills.

okay. back to reality. this monster keeps on knocking  at my door. i just peer thru the window and didnt notice anyone in there. because reality isn’t a person, i guess. i couldnt tell my loved ones that im happy to be with what i do at the moment. being an unproductive citizen and daughter in terms of financial aspects. LOL. again, i don’t know. Maybe because of the boring options on jobs. and if ever i landed a job it would only mean i just got in there out of luck and curiosity. i feel sad actually. facing the future. im just holding on to interesting things that will happen along the way. such as a new joke from a new co worker. hahahahahahaha. well again, i dont know. I am not a bad person but i just dont really feel in sync with reality. i will get a job someday. that’s what i said three months ago. lol. i feel sorry for my family while they feel sorry for me. hahahahahaha. i have to think of the time when reality was quite okay. by the way i used reality as a representation of what is really going on externally. the boring norm, and not what’s going on inside my head. because to some, reality is a perception of one’s own. a person with schizophrenia has a different reality perception same as those who are high on drugs. LOL. anyways. good luck to me. and if reality is equivalent as possibility, i might turn into an object one day, metaphorically.

why do i exist?

the last time i posted i was feeling down, and after i cleaned the house while thinking of the matter, i felt ok. lol. what a weirdo.i can’t imagine a world without internet. because everything you want to search is just one click away, it is a great opportunity for finding answers and sharing what you want to share. this is a good opportunity for your voice to be heard. i’m not talking about MAINSTREAM or popularity because some people are so blind and technically out of touch about the real problems of the world. My mbti fever has subsided. come to think of it, one test cannot really describe a person because each person is unique. some may be true but the insights provided cannot dictate or help you get along with the changing world. Just like astrology, you cannot define a person’s destiny by looking at the planetary alignment, even if you know your birth time. lol.

since i was a child i have this strange passion for discovering the mysterious. and today i just read the theory of relativity–for kids lol. Thank God for Einstein. and the other guy who wasn’t as famous as him. LOL. Since it’s difficult for me to EXPRESS WHAT I WANT TO SAY, i made them in caps so i won’t get lost when i forget another topic in my mind. and of course i will try to point out what i wanna say and it seems that i forgot it already. lemme drink a glass of water first. lol. okay im back. alright, while trying to remember the topic in my head i will just skip to write about my lack of focus and forgetfulness. Sometimes i wished i focused and got involved with mathematics and physics. or any other sciences. my first course’s science- related, and the second one math/ logic related. not bad. but what’s happening in our life– we must be aware that we cannot control some things. (like this phrase. it’s been said and written and published and has been put into quotes and shared on facebook) and sometimes we have these things and it makes us suffer. whether it’s a severe acne problem, big bone structure, getting molested when younger, disabilities, congenital sickness. whatever our problem is, it all boils down in our personal kettles. we suffer. that’s why we find comfort with people who have had them or currently has them. (i have a pizza faced friend whom i tease because of his acne– okay i wasnt being mean. he’s also mean to me lol. in this case i don’t say that people with acne is okay to hang out with acne-filled people. it will seem funny to others who sees them) pointless. lol. so what im trying to say is, at least if you can do something, try to find some ways which will help you cope with it better.people need people. in contrary to what i’ve been trying to say to myself. but that’s the truth. we were not born to live alone.

another thing is the struggle of finding what ticks you and you’ve gotten into troubles looking for it. or recognizing what you wanna do yet it feels it’s light years away from you.   Simple. don’t give up. (another words of encouragement we’ve always heard or read before) so, suppose i have found my true niche, which is my writing fantasy stories which, as of now, doesnt earn me money. even if im happy to write or read them alone, it still feels better when someone else reads it and comments on how great your work is! The problem with me is my laziness and my distracted personality. i sometimes tell myself, it’s alright, maybe im just one of the ordinary people who dream less, and be okay as long as we have a job, eat three times a day..

now i dont think im making sense of what i want to say. hahahahahahaha. okay the last paragraph, i want to say that i want to find an alternative way and disregard my fantasy story. lol. sometimes i really feel like i want to get into research about mental illness, and behavioral problems. i occasionally read articles printed by science and their findings seems cloudy to me. wtf? a loser writer commenting on the findings of researchers. im sorry, i want to help. but let the greater minds do their works as they please. hahahahahahaha.

 

now i think this blog seems like a draft to me. scattered. disorganized, whatever. my thoughts are chaotic, the world is chaotic. whatever ticks you, remember this life is a gift. i never wanted to be born, but here i am, blogging. maybe still skeptical about my purpose or true niche, but in case i am already there, there’s one thing that i must remember. (ive heard this all before) i must do things in love– to give back to the gift i have been given. and that’s being born. i maybe a jobless douche today but i shouldnt be stuck with what i am now. the important thing is, no matter who you are, you must make your existence meaningful. even on little things. it matters. at least, whatever you do, if it’s for the good of the world, it does help.  is this another excuse why i am or will never be successful in writing? lol. all i know for today, is im excited about the next chapter of my story.. and i have two readers, which is all good at the moment. lol

 

the universe hates you. deal with it. – Seamus Harper

nope, i haven’t read the world according to seamus harper. i dont have a single idea whether it’s a book or a series. lol. the quote just got into me. i have known that quote for a few years and that’s what i’m feeling. i applied for an online job as a content writer. and i dismissed my application. why? because they are asking me about my skills as a writer and i couldn’t even present my website full of loser posts. have you ever felt being born at the wrong time? if someone wants their body parts change thru surgery, well i guess i want to change my date of birth because i sometimes feel that i should have been born in the time of Noah. lol. okay, it all ends with a question of faith. where is my faith. it’s here. with me. never giving up when everyone has turned their back against you. in times you feel incompetent and useless. non-functional and dumb. i kind of understand drug addicts and terrorists, because they feel the world is a hopeless place they either destroy the world, or themselves. hey, im not an addict or a terrorist. lol. i dont even know how to make bombs. i haven’t even touched a gun. the only thing i have is my faith and my mind.–which i dont want to lose. lol. i guess i would just do my daily chores to be at least productive. is love the answer? maybe yes. love for family. so i guess i wouldn’t be picky with a job. i dunno. i don’t want anything. i suggest my followers to unfollow me. because this blog is full of hopelessness and self-loathing. lol. next time i’ll post something beautiful. i dont need self help books. i just need to think this over. i am an artist and i dont have a muse. lololololololol. a part of me says that i need to join the group of practical people and live in the ugly reality. i hate what the world has become. do i have the capability to change it? i need to change myself first. but i have no idea about the first step. i’m losing interest with what i see.

My journey as an INTP

The title obviously indicates that i am still hooked with MBTI. LOL.  I rested my eyes because i have been on the computer for three hours, randomly taking personality tests. My intention was to apply for a certain job. and to blog. lol. and i spent the entire three hours validating my myers briggs. lol. a few days ago i planned to write something emotional, something that has significant meaning in my life. but i dunno why i didn’t write them lol. i’ve also been thinking about , well i actually forgot it just now. Sorry. LOL. too many LOL’s eh? but this afternoon while having my lunch i felt like crying. it is kind of strange when i don’t enjoy eating because I love to eat. i like my food served hot. But today i didn’t bother what kind of food i was going to eat. i just ate what’s in the table. and it’s not actually edible. hahahahaha. just kidding. i did have a cold drink. that’s my technique when i dont like the food. a soda would do. my eyes are still hurting from the smoke from my cigarettes. and my nose too. from the smell of the mosquito coil beside me.
i decided to write because i still don’t know what to do with my life. my mom just asked me what i am doing because i’m busy. wow. busy. big word. lol. that’s because i missed my daily routine which is doing the daily chores. i don’t want to whine to her about my fucked up resume and my old age. lol. and could you imagine i haven’t looked at the mirror for days. if i were a guy i’d be having a 5-inch beard by now. lol. it’s obvious that i am not into taking care of my physical appearance. it’s not my priority. at the age of thirty i look like mother of five. lol. i refrained from smoking too much. and the cigarette shortage might bring me into panic attack. i want to escape for a while. i wanted to die for a few days. and come back to life with a magnificent job offer in front of me. that’s not how life works. here i am, doing nothing but writing. when i log out i might sleep after cleaning. or continue my flop series. sounds depressing isn’t it? btw, i do believe in dream interpretations, and i dreamed about interpreting numbers i have dreamed of, then a puddle of water inside the house – meaning poor spiritual connection. i do pray every day but i admit i often talk to myself while i’m talking to God, that i forget i am actually praying, and then i apologize. i looked at the small electric fan and thought that it’s blowing air on the other direction than me. lol. anyways, let me tell you a story. lol.

when i was younger i was subconsciously in search for the absolute truth, regardless of knowledge on the MBTI. lol. i actually made up my own personality types. it’s about the two-letter type. the S and O. the first letter symbolizes your view of yourself as a human being. and the other letter on how you view the others. S stands for subjective, and O for objective. The details are written in my small diary which i don’t know where it is. lol. and some of the details were written on myspace. Yup, and i was a typical loser on myspace. no friends. maybe about 4? hahahahahaha. so i therefore conclude that i am interested in how the human mind works, in terms of relationships. That’s why i got inclined to different personality types, as well as astrology. i tend to look on the theoretical aspect of dealing with these monsters, i mean people who are difficult to understand. it only gave me stress. and missed a lot of points, because i was dealing on the crappy objective side of the person and not the actual person. LOL. so if i would use my personal personality type, I’d b an OO. objective-object. hahahahahaha. i see myself and the others as test samples in conducting my personality profile test. when i got to college i was thrilled with Philosophy, that’s when i met the fountainhead. a book which inspired me to study. i hate studying. so what i did was, i cannot touch the fountainhead if i didn’t read a chapter of my textbook. hahahaha. i was also interested in communism. and i had the idea of the believer communist. a communist who believes in God. hahahaha. nope. i never got to read marx’s book. i also produced some quotes which competes for the absolute truth quote. a quote which has no flaw. i think it’s written in some of my diaries. and maybe it has a flaw. the grammar. lolololololol. My favourite quote which i made is: the best thing about being a Christian is the end. at first, it sounds depressing but for a believer, what matters is the end, if you stick to what you believe in. Religious discussions deserve another blog. And you just can’t prove something you don’t see, right? so let’s just leave it here. lol. and back in high school (i write in a disorganized manner. i have trouble in sequence) i made up a secret alphabet (i still remember how to write them lol ) i showed it to my best friend and she was happy about it. lol. but someone with a high IQ could easily figure them out. because of the pattern. I made it easy actually because i, myself am forgetful as fuck. lololololol.

now let’s go back to the present. while some people invested money on travel and material things, i did invest on education which lead me nowhere hahahahaha. nah. i dunno because i haven’t used it myself. i was mad as hell when a friend pointed out that i took up the course because of money. i wanted to kill that friend in one blow. the point is, why didn’t i kill the friend? because there’s no point in convincing one person when he/she is blinded by his/her own view. if i wanted money i’ll have money. hahahaha. you can’t convince people not to love money. and that is one of the world’s problems. we cannot do anything about it. I have been to an international church and saw people cry out to God, raising hands and praising and these hands wear expensive watches. if you would look at the floor you will see expensive bags. and their dresses, expensive brands. lol. maybe they think God gives them material blessings. nevermind them. people love branded stuff. my opinion on that is brands dont matter as long as you like the item. lol. the other thing i dont understand is the neverending cycle of quarelling couples when there’s actually a solution. okay. no judgement here. they say a good adviser is a failure in advising themselves. let’s take that back. hahahahaha. so why venture in a relationship when you see the potential problems. i used to hope that someone would save me from this harsh material-loving world. someone who would undesrtand me and do things for me (because i am always inside my thoughts i am completely detached with reality) or someone who will inspire me to live in reality. being unemployed for years made me realize that i dont need that someone. lololololololol. since i don’t pay attention to my physical appearance, i have zero chances on winning a date. fine with me. and if someone made an attempt i would bombard that person with ten mbti tests and will think im crazy. lol. i’ve seen the future, believe me. and since i am objective that poor person would only become a bitter test sample and leave. hahahahahaha. am i wrong on how i treat people? well i have a best friend whom i love so much and i think i kind of emotionally support her. how did that happen? because she said she needs it. and i know the meaning of the word emotional. lol. most friends complained that i was’t there when they needed it. i just told them you should have told me and i would have given it to you. whahahahahahahahaha.

besides from being a bum and the careless depressive state of mind, i never stopped writing on my crappy work. i am afraid that one day i’ll just break down and cry in the most unexpected place. well the place is expected. because i dont go out. i refrained myself from talking to some people. well i remembered i know someone who’s an intp. but we don’t click. and it seemed as he doesnt have a problem. same with me. i laugh a lot and like to joke around. and one of my professors have told me i dont know anything about being serious. alright. so it’s quite true that im an intp (with possible add ) and i am still in search for the ultimate truth. or a place where i can exercise my brain. too bad if this is the place. sometimes voices tell me that i should learn a certain programming language. ( i took a seven deadly sins test and i got sloth hahahahahahaha) and if i failed at finding that maybe this is the ultimate truth. that im a loser forever and ever. lol