a movie/self review

I am about to start writing on my series which is on its third season. I made a little note  about the details of my characters’ super powers. because it is intended to be a video game. but here i am, blogging. WHy? Simple. I am distracted. lol. Yesterday I was invited by my friend to watch suicide squad. since it was his treat, i didn’t mind what are we going to watch. lol. yet i still suggested before to try a local film. SO he commented that i should be a movie buff and watch marvel stuff etc because guys love movies. Alright, at first i had no interest in the movie but after watching it, it seemed like i was more drawn to the movie than my friend. I wanted to discuss the effects and the characters’ situation but he didn’t give me go signal based on how he reacted. SO i just kept the comments inside my mind. Therefore, i have plenty of reasons to love suicide squad. Mind you, i rarely post something earthy. i dont know the exact word for it. Mainstream? things which normal people love. lol. I am usually focused on my thoughts, my works, my broken self lol. Yeah but i loved the movie and thank him for the opportunity. i didnt say thanks to him by the way lol. First, the enchantress’ powers looked like one of my villain’s SUPER attack. but way different in color, radius and effects. lol. and i love villains by the way. I was controlling myself from crying while watching (not the emotional dialogues) i dunno. the effects? the fight scenes? lol. maybe because i feel like a villain myself (but i am a good citizen. a good jobless citizen) And, one of my interests before watching the movie is, if, someone can surpass Health Ledger’s portrayal of the JOker. And so, Jared Leto did a very good job. HANDS DOWN! he’s my favourite joker now. LOL. I am just happy i got the chance to watch something that inspired me to do better in writing my series. i won’t deny that my heart and mind is really into creating video games.I mean it sounds impossible. But come on. nothing is impossible as long as you don’t stop working hard to achieve it. So maybe i should explore the physical world to get ideas, to compare etc, because the field i have chosen is user- interface related. lol. it involves graphics. oh dear. it just feels weird a movie has caught my interest.

and since my favourite topic is myself, lol. I realized that being an INTP (yup i still have this MBTI Hangover) and based on personal observation and comments from people i know, that i really dont pay attention to my outward appearance. im not ugly, but i am not appealing anymore (unlike ten yrs ago lol). i also miss people’s feelings. i miss the fun as well. because i am only focused on my stories. and my thoughts. I will give you an example about how lost i am when i’m in my thoughts. The Philippines is a tropical country right? Ive lived in a cold country for five years and when i got home i didn’t mind the scorching heat. Because i was busy thinking. LOL. when i stopped thinking i felt the sun’s rays and then i wondered what’s the temperature in degrees? lol. i am a good observer but i really do get lost in my thoughts. Anyways, i also have pondered about not getting married or having a family. I have reasons (might as well overthinking results). i might turn my kids into monsters. lol. I had difficulty in dealing with people when i was young (and yup my family had no idea about this) i might become a dictator and push my kids to pursue science and math. and it wont hurt to do some sports. lolololol. enough of that. at the moment i am not interested in love. the so called one great love? nahh. im in love with what i do. writing. and i think i have a little crush on Jared leto. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. so if i have the time, i am going to watch some of his movies. to see if i really have a crush on him. because if i dont find him amusing in his other roles, it means i have a crush on Joker. lol.

P.S. i saw on Youtube that he is possibly an INTJ lol.

Why aren’t you successful yet?

Whoa. The title is simply overwhelming. Lol. Again, excuse me for my grammar. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. I’ve been jobless for more than two years. I am here to explain myself or rather make an excuse on what has happened to me. LOL. And i can’t believe I stared at the computer for five minutes before writing this particular sentence. If you would picture my PC, I have 7 open tabs, where two sites are the same.and the other one is my email where I got the link of the two. Yes, I’ve been working on my passwords. I am only going to use one password for every account. My password isn’t that strong, so it can be hacked. but nobody is interested in hacking my account because i have no bank linked to my account lol.

Alright. how do i start? let’s begin with personality tests. All my life, ever since i knew how to use the computer I have been taking personality tests, to the point I have taken most of them I even took personality disorder tests. LOL. When I was in high school, My sister printed a MBTI test and i got the Champion. (enfp). When i grew older and started working, it changed to ENTP/ INTP. but recently, i’ve become a consistent INTP. Wow. Einstein. LOL. If you will read about the INTP, it will fascinate you because the INTP is a genius. but wait, what if your IQ isn’t special? just normal. I am raising my right hand. Yes, dear? Yup. I am all about the negative INTP. lol. I allotted my free time for about an hour reading about the negative side of the INTP. So many ideas, in fact you get lost on one idea for days and you don’t finish anything. lol. My idea is so grand i think nobody can help me. but wait, what about my other ideas that are equally great? So you get lost until you find something interesting until you become disinterested and the cycle goes on. And while I am typing this post I am answering another MBTI test hoping my personality type will change. LOL. Ive read about the ENTJ and according to research they are the most successful, highest paid employees. LOL. But again, that’s just some survey.

Alright. i have finished the tests and it said:

• You love ideas, theories, and complex concepts
• You analyze things logically and objectively
• You are independent, unconventional, and do not care what others think
• You think like a scientist and question everything
• You have little patience for people who are intellectually inferior

It is obviously an INTP, but i need to sign up to get my full results. LOL. so i won’t share the link. hahahaha.

So if i focused on the positive sides of the INTP i could do better. Right now, I am imagining that I am only interested in one thing. That is making blog templates and selling them online. I already added the how-to on bookmarks. together with 10+ i added but never opened. lol.

Alright, the following paragraph is a very detailed description of me: of course i’ll provide the link. because i think it’s worth checking and is waaay funny for me.

INTP: The Egghead

The typical INTP is a logical, abstract thinker whose intellect is ideally suited to understanding pure mathematics, linguistics, formal logic theory, and other pursuits unsuited to making a real living. The INTP can often understand even the most subtle nuances of lattice quantum chromodynamics, but cannot perform more concrete tasks such as dressing himself, operating a motor vehicle, or opening a door. An INTP may be able to tell you how to construct a nuclear reactor from a coconut and two pieces of string, but may be completely incapable of fixing a hole in a boat.

The INTP is really only suited to two careers: college professor and game show contestant. Of these career choices, only one offers the financial rewards which allows him to suport himself; for that reason, INTPs often take the other path, and become tenured academics.

RECREATION: Surprisingly, INTPs are often the hit of the party–not for their sometimes annoying habit of turning every discussion into a debate about semantics nor for their fascinating stories about Pierre de Fermat’s habit of writing things in the margins of his books, but for the fact that they often show up with their pants on backwards and that if you put a Post-It note reading “Kick Me” on an INTP’s back, he won’t notice it no matter how many people kick him. That kind of entertainment never gets old.

COMPATIBILITY: INTPs make ideal companions to INTJs, as neither of them notices they’re in a relationship.

Famous INTPs include Pierre de Fermat and almost everyone who knows what Pierre de Fermat wrote in the margins of his book.

https://www.xeromag.com/fun/personality.html

P.s: i don’t know who Pierre de Fermat is, but i think he’s already dead. LOL. hey, but come to think of it, it is clear that the INTP is a real genius. nevermind. let’s get to another test.

Because I am a genius according to MBTI, i diagnosed myself (and I don’t need professional diagnosis because I AM A FUCKING GENIUS) lol, just kidding. i have no money. that’s it.

http://totallyadd.com/do-i-have-add/totally-add-quiz/

I took this test and voila! it said i have ADD. i signed up for their newsletter and i find it cool, interesting and of course i could relate to it. Looking back, when i was studying, I really couldn’t focus on what I’m doing. I play different games, chat with my friend, and enrolled for a free tech course which i just remembered now. LOL. to think that I am not rich. imagine my life as a book, tear up all the pages and leave just 2 pages. those torn (EMFMG= excuse me for my grammar! lol) pages were the opportunities i have missed. My best friend, sister, or some close friends would say: If i were you i could’ve gone so far. maybe it’s true. If they don’t have ADD and the negative INTP. lol. I am not dumb. (Or maybe i am if someone would debunk my personality test theories) lol. I have a 4 year degree course and some other relevant courses which if you will input to another person’s credentials they would probably rich by now.

So what the hell is wrong with me? how do i focus?. which should i prioritize? what do i want in life? Since i am aware of my problems, maybe i would succeed someday, not as quick as most people. i have light years while they have the regular time. LOL. i just reread the paragraph above and forgot to mention the two pages left on my book. that’s my birth and my death respectively. lol.

See you on my next misadventure episode.

another P.s: i haven’t written what i intended to write. it would probably make my argument better lolololol nevermind. another realization of mine: i only wrote about 20 percent of what i want to say. hahahahaha

if this ain’t depression, then i don’t know what it is

i actually don’t know where to start. i have tried to distance myself from chatting with some of my friends. and i had to turn off my phone and tablet’s wifi connection just to post on this blog. while everyone is keeping busy with their lives, here i am, just blogging. i have a deadline to beat, yet i haven’t done anything. i was given two weeks. and today the second week started. lol. but it’s not funny. i’ve had this feeling for months now, yet hoping that after this, it might bring me some motivation to leave this stagnation. Have you ever felt worthless yet you don’t do anything to become worthy? That’s it. my mind is working. im always thinking what should i  do with my life. i haven’t considered working too. crap! i feel lost. i just want to disappear. but that’s selfishness.what about my family? maybe i am too comfortable with my lifestyle that i dont want to face reality. the reality that i need to get a job and establish myself because im not getting any younger. im a believer of hard work– because i’ve heard lots of inspirational stories (real-life) that in order to succeed, you need to work hard for it. so let them succeed. LOL. i am not trying to be funny but here i am. stating  the fact that i am a fucking piece of shit in the universe. i’ve read this before. in my own blog. like six years ago. not the fucking piece of shit thing. at least at that time i had a job. good thing my friends dont know about this blog. i want to tell them what i really feel. yes i have told some. but they give advice: different advice on my situation. here they are:

1. be practical. get a job related to what i have studied (it’s in demand) save money so i could do whatever i want to do with my fucking life.
2. wait for the enlightenment. (gosh i love this friend of mine). i told her i’m going to attend a writing workshop which will start in September. she said it’s alright if i’m still unsure of what i want to do.
3. i can’t stay like this. finish my deadline and then presto! apply for a job.
4. . i just need love.

now here are my comments for each numbers: (i dont know if i  replied to them or not but if yes, this is not definitely what i said to them)

1. my old profession is alright. i sometimes miss it. but i dont see myself doing it again. or maybe when i do, it’s just imagination.
2. i’ve been waiting for that eureka moment. i know what i want to do. i just dont know exactly what should i do. working in my so-called true love’s so-called environment need a fast internet connection, and a NIIIIIIICE computer. when i say nice, it’s anything with all the specs and not this crappy auto-skipping-cursor-when-i-type-something-that’s-why-i-have-to-edit-what-i-write-every-five-minutes kind of computer. wait a minute. i love this notebook of mine. this is where i store all my story drafts. i didn’t mind when cursor skips when i write my stories. but this notebook isn’t good enough in writing codes. even it’s memory: if this is a person i would diagnose it with dementia. oh dear.
3. i don’t know how will i do my work because of this notebook. i know. it’s an excuse but its valid. i need a new computer. should i borrow one? i don’t have enough connection to make all the stuff work. and  imagine i have to google with this slothy internet speed. maybe im not really interested in beating that deadline. should i pay someone to do it for me? it does bother me but around 75 percent of myself dont give a fuck. because i dont want to do anything. im just waiting to be kicked out of the house. another thing. this “creative mind” (because i like to imagine extreme things like pointing a gun in my head for me to get something done), i think will just only get me into trouble. it’s not creative. it’s a paranoid mind. sometimes or all the time i imagine stupid things that’s not gonna happen.
4. fall in love? haha. that’s what i advised him when he was feeling lost. he did find someone and his life is well, on the right track. thank you for the lovely advice. but i will not find love because it seems that based on this post i dont love myself/ lol/.

i never changed. i always escape. since gradeschool. if i could escape, i would. but now i am looking for a new excuse just to skip hardwork? don’t get me wrong. i work hard. i just dont know the hell where to put my energy. forgive me for this post. i am hoping that sooner or later this feeling would stop. i am not excited about anything. i am not inspired. that its okay to be like this. but i know it’s not. men are designed to work. so the bottom line is. i need at least any job. not the perfect job. i dont deserve it. so ill have to change my dream. since i dont want to do hard work i will just live as a mediocre, and die in mediocrity. ive been dreaming of a good purpose. maybe this is my purpose. just another damn human being — alright erase that. im not a bad person. let’s put it this way. supposed i get a job i dont like. dont grow professionally, at least i never hurt anyone. now this is a good excuse. lol. just kidding. it just feels worthless to do something that you dont love, sacrifice your time just to be a decent citizen. someone who has a job.

it is said that GOd doesn’t give you trials you can’t endure. i dont have any other problems (pwera usog) other than this. my enemy is myself. maybe i’ll write something positive in my next post. but my conclusion, to make it clear, since i dont want to do anything in particular except a new job (because it’s mandatory), okay, any job will do. aaand applying for two or more companies wouldnt gurantee they’d hire me. but i wont prepare myself so let’s say my next post would be a series of rejections. lolololololol.